WHY HUCKABEE?

Mike Huckabee seems like a decent guy, and as far as we can tell, he did a good job as Arkansas governor. Yet his lack of knowledge about what is going on in the world is appalling. As we reported Saturday, he doesn’t seem to keep up with the news very well, and he doesn’t even know where Pakistan is geographically in relation to Afghanistan. So why is he moving up into front place in Iowa ahead of the three former top-tier Republican candidates?

The answer is that Republicans are greatly dissatisfied with the men who are fighting for top spot. One of New Hampshire’s newspapers called Romney a phony, and he seems to twist and turn every time the wind changes direction.

Joe Biden said of Rudy Giuliani that everything the former New York City mayor says contains a noun, a verb, and 9/11. The man seems to be a one-issue candidate. You can almost see him practicing the George Bush swagger. Some of his neo-con advisors fill us with dread.

Among the Republicans John McCain is the most qualified by virtue of experience and character, but lately he has more and more become a supporter of George Bush’s policies. He has never wavered in his support for Bush’s war, and now he is saying it would be a good idea to keep Bush’s tax program that helps the rich to the disadvantage of everyone else. It’s no wonder that Huckabee looks good to some Republicans, but as we reported on Friday, not to all of them.

Compare any of these guys to Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin grew up on a farm. He worked in a factory. He served in the army during the Korean War. He belonged to a union. He spent nearly fifty years teaching English to young people. And Perrin is the only candidate of either party who has come out clearly in favor of cheap beer.

HUCKABEE’S FOREIGN POLICY EXPERTISE

There are lots of things to admire about Mike Huckabee, but his knowledge of foreign policy is not one of them. The turmoil in Pakistan, he says, should remind us to tighten security along our southern border. Huh? Huckabee explained that except for Latin-Americans, more Pakistani illegals enter the U. S. than any other group. The Department of Homeland Security, however, reports that people from several other Asian nations enter the country illegally in larger numbers than those from the Pakistan.

In another interview the former Arkansas governor stated that the Pakistani government, “does not have enough control of those eastern borders near Afghanistan to be able go after the terrorists,” thus moving Afghanistan from Pakistan's western to its eastern border.

Earlier in the month when reporters asked him to comment on the National Intelligence Report that Iran had stopped trying to develop nuclear weapons in 2003, he said he was not familiar with the report. At the time the report had been widely covered in the news for over 30 hours.

Do we want to entrust the country to a man who doesn’t have a clear picture of the geography of Afghanistan, a country that has been prominent in the news for almost six years? Do we want to put the fate of the country in the hands of a man who doesn’t know what’s going on it the world?

Meanwhile, Democratic candidate Dennis Kucinich has something to say about illegal aliens: “The greatest number of illegal aliens are entering the country from outer-space. I’ve seen them land in their little space ships.”

A LOT OF REPUBLICANS DON’T LIKE THIS GUY

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is leading in Iowa. Nationally he is neck in neck with Rudy Giuliani. Yet a lot of Republicans can’t stand him. They consider him worse than Hillary Clinton. Although Huckabee is popular with social conservatives, he is out of step with the country club and business Republicans.

The Wall Street Journal and the conservative National Review have attacked him. The Club for Growth is campaigning against him in Iowa and South Carolina, charging that he increased taxes while he was Arkansas governor. Club president Pat Toomey called him a “big-government liberal.” Huckabee countered by referring to negative ads from the “Club for Greed, excuse me, the Club for Growth.”

Huckabee has called attention to a difference between Wall Street Republicans and Main Street Republicans, but campaign money comes from the Wall Street types. On February 5 over 20 states will be voting. Huckabee may not have enough money to campaign effectively in all 20 states.

Voters keep switching their views of the candidates, both Republicans and Democrats. It will be interesting if Huckabee wins the GOP nomination. We can imagine him in a debate with Democrat Carl Perrin. The Baptist minister will be quoting the Bible, and the English professor will be quoting Shakespeare.

REPUBLICAN LINEUP

As we move into the primary season, the Republican lineup keeps changing every day. The reason for this is that Republicans are not satisfied with their front-runners. A lot people see Romney as a phony and a waffler. This comes out in things like his position on abortion: "I never said I was pro-choice, but my position was effectively pro-choice. I changed my position. And I get tired of people that are holier-than-thou because they've been pro-life longer than I have. But I'm proud of the fact." Huh? The Concord (NH) Monitor even came out with an editorial that said: “Don’t vote for this man.”

Because of the negative feelings about the former Massachusetts governor, Senator John McCain is now ahead of him in the polls. The Arizona senator has been endorsed by papers in Iowa, New Hampshire, and Massachusetts.

Rudy Giuliani was in first place for a long time. He certainly looked good after 9/11. However, since then questions have come up about his judgment. Social conservatives are concerned about his personal life and his waffling on positions dear to their hearts. People are less willing to leave the fate of the country in his hands.

Giuliani is no longer the front runner. He has been edged out of that place by former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. Although Huckabee is in first place among Republican voters right now, people still don’t know a lot about him, and critics from both the right and left are beginning to snipe at him.

McCain is admired for his straight talk, but a lot of people do not like his position on the war in Iraq. Some people have questions about his age. If elected, he would be the oldest person to become president. Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, however, thinks of the Arizona senator as “that young McCain fellow.”

Perrin is still way behind in the polls, but things could change for him as they have for Mike Huckabee. In the general election Perrin could well be facing either Huckabee or McCain. Either one would be a more worthy opponent than Romney or Giuliani.

NEW SCANDAL FOR PERRIN?

Just a week before the Iowa caucuses, a new scandal about Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin raises questions about his character. According to the story going around, in 1989 Perrin was two weeks overdue in returning a book to the Portland, ME, library.

When he was first confronted with this wrongdoing, Perrin pretended that he didn’t recall any such incident. When a reporter showed him a copy of the overdue notice from the Portland Library, Perrin couldn’t deny it. The former English professor insisted that the overdue book was merely an oversight. It had been a busy time in his life, and he had just forgotten to return the library book. “Anyway,” he said, “I made a mistake, but I paid my fine, $1.40, and it should not be held against me now, 18 years later.”

Unfortunately, the candidate could not produce the receipt that showed he had actually paid the fine, so some people are wondering if just kept the book an extra two weeks and got away with it. Did he get off scot-free just because he was a professor?

Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose told us, “Someone leaked this story just before the Iowa caucus so we wouldn’t have time to counter it before the good people of Iowa make their choice about which candidate they want. The dirty sneaks want to damage Dr. Perrin’s reputation with Iowa bibliophiles.”

DOES ROMNEY BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS?

The Concord (NH) Monitor has come out with anti-endorsement for former governor of nearby Massachusetts, Mitt Romney. The paper noted that Romney switched positions on stem cell research, abortion rights, and emergency contraception. The Monitor stated, “If a candidate is a phony, we assure ourselves and the rest of the world. Mitt Romney is such a candidate.” Other New Hampshire papers, including the state’s major paper, the New Hampshire Union, have come out in favor of John McCain.

Still another story, damaging to Romney’s campaign in New Hampshire, has leaked out. Speaking to kindergarten children in Amherst, NH, the former governor said he had always believed in Santa Claus and in the spirit of Christmas. However, a former aide said that while he was stuck in Boston traffic while Christmas shopping in 1994, he said, “Christmas! Bah, humbug!”

A campaign advisor told us that, while it is true that Romney spoke those words, he was being ironic and merely quoting Charles Dickens’ classic story.

MASTER’S DEGREE IN CREATION SCIENCE

Now you can get a master’s degree in science education with an emphasis on creationism. A Bible-based group called the Institute for Creation Research will be awarding online degrees in creationism. The Institute will use materials from “top schools,” except that it will challenge standard teaching of evolution.

According to the Institute’s web site: “All things in the universe were created and made by God in the six literal days of the creation week.” The program, “equips believers with evidences of the Bible’s accuracy and authority through scientific research, educational programs, and media presentations, all conducted within a thoroughly biblical framework.”

The department offering the degrees will be called the George W. Bush Science Center, to honor the Bush administration’s contributions to modern science. Two years ago the president stated his belief that school children should be taught intelligent design. "Both sides ought to be properly taught . . . so people can understand what the debate is about," he said, according to an official transcript of the session. Bush added: "Part of education is to expose people to different schools of thought.”

Henry Morris III, the chief executive of the Institute for Creation Research, said, “We’re very excited about this new program. We plan to add new major areas of study to our science curriculum in the next two years. We’re planning to offer Master of Science degrees in Alchemy, Astrology, and Phrenology.”

EDITORIAL ENDORSEMENTS

As we get down to the wire, influential newspapers are endorsing some of the major candidates. John McCain may have the most endorsements. In Iowa the Des Moines Register came out for McCain, giving him a boost in that state’s caucus. Two New Hampshire papers also gave the nod to the Arizona senator. His home state Arizona Republican also endorsed their senator.

Hillary Clinton got the big prize in Iowa, a recommendation from the Des Moines Register. But Barack Obama came out ahead with support from the Boston Globe and from New York Time columnist David Brooks.

Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin also got an endorsement from Leisure Times, a paper published in the retirement village where he lives. Leisure Times noted that Perrin was the only candidate, Democrat or Republican, who promised to keep beer affordable for the average American. Although Leisure Times does not have a lot of subscribers, it is read all over the country, from Maine to California. Perrin feels reassured by this endorsement. Although none of the nation’s big newspapers promoted him, the one that really counts is behind him.

ON TO IOWA

Mitt Romney has spent millions of dollars in Iowa. Hillary Clinton and her husband have been crisscrossing the state trying to sell her as a warm human being. Christopher Dodd has gone so far as to move his family temporarily to Iowa. John Edwards has been campaigning in the state since 2004. Iowa newspapers have endorsed Democrat Hillary Clinton and Republican John McCain.

And what has Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin done to win votes in Iowa? Nothing. Perrin has done nothing to win votes in the Hawkeye State. And that will be to his advantage. With all their campaigning and political ads and speeches, the front-running candidates are giving the voters of Iowa too much to chose from. And all of those people carry heavy negatives. Clinton is too robotic. Obama lacks experience. Edwards is too anti-business. Giuliani favors loyalty in his supporters over competence. (We already have someone in the White House who matches that description.) Romney flip flops all over the place. McCain has the wrong position on Iraq for most voters. Huckabee doesn’t accept the scientific concept of evolution. (We already have an anti-science inhabitant in the White House.)

When Iowa voters consider the drawbacks of all these candidates, they will naturally think of Dr. Carl Perrin. But what about Perrin? Does he have any liabilities? Frankly, we can’t think of any negatives in Dr. Perrin’s impressive background. We are confident that when Iowa voters go to their caucuses on January 3, they will say, Dr. Carl Perrin loud and clear.

CANDIDATE BASHES BUSH

A candidate for the nomination has come out with harsh criticism of the Bush administration’s foreign policy. The candidate in question criticized Bush for not listening to military leaders who urged him early on to send more troops to secure Iraq, charged that the administration’s policy toward Pakistan had been a “waste” and a “setback” and warned that the United States was now more “vulnerable to the animosity of other countries.”

“American foreign policy needs to change its tone and attitude, open up and reach out,” the candidate wrote in an article published in Foreign Affairs. “The Bush administration’s arrogant bunker mentality has been counterproductive at home and abroad,” the article said.

The candidate called for more humanitarian aid to improve living conditions in the Muslim world and to make the people there less receptive to terrorists. He suggested taking a more flexible approach to Iran, including the possibility of greater diplomacy.

“Iran will not acquire nuclear weapons on my watch,” he wrote. “But before I look parents in the eye to explain why I put their son’s or daughter’s life at risk, I want to do everything possible to avoid conflict. We have substantive issues to discuss with Tehran.”

Which Democrat said these harsh comments about the Bush administration? It wasn’t a Democrat at all. It was Mike Huckabee. No wonder he is moving up and making a real challenge to former governor “Flip-flop” Romney and former mayor Rudy Giuliani, one of whose advisers is ready to bomb Iran.

OBAMA’S EXPERIENCE

Since the beginning of the campaign season Hillary Clinton has been raising questions about Barack Obama’s lack of experience in government. He had been in the Senate for only one year before he began his run for the presidency.

Senator Obama has tried to counter that charge by pointing to his experience as a legislator, a law professor, and a member of the Illinois legislature. He also referred to a statement made by Bill Clinton in 1992 to the effect that experience per se was not necessarily a plus. Some people have a lot of experience doing the wrong thing time after time. (Think of Dick Cheney.) Not having been part of the Washington games for very long, Obama can bring a fresh insight to the presidency.

Evidently the Boston Globe agrees with him. They endorsed the Illinois senator, saying, ''It is true that all the other Democratic contenders have more conventional resumes, and have spent more time in Washington. But that exposure has tended to give them a sense of government’s constraints. Obama is more open to its possibilities.''

We certainly agree with that sentiment. When it comes to Washington-style politics, the less experience, the better qualified the candidate. If you want to see a candidate with a minimum of Washington experience, you couldn’t find anyone better than Dr. Carl Perrin. He has never even to Washington. What could be better than that?

RON PAUL BLIMP

Anti-war Republican Ron Paul has been very creative in fund raising methods. On Guy Fawkes Day, November 5, he raised $4.5 million dollars for his campaign. Now he is renting a 200-foot blimp for $350 thousand a month to carry his message in the sky. It was scheduled to commemorate another event, the Boston Tea Party, by dropping tea into Boston Harbor, but instead it will be flying in North and South Carolina this weekend.

We can’t help but admire Dr. Paul’s creativity as well as his success in fund raising. Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin would love to be able to rent a blimp, but he’s about $349 thousand short of one month’s rent. Instead he is asking his supporters to get helium balloons and print his name on them. Then let them fly over the early-primary states.

APOLOGIES

It must be the Christmas season. Politicians are apologizing all over the place. Hillary Clinton apologized to Barack Obama after someone on her staff suggested that if Obama became the Democratic nominee, the Republicans would have a field day over drug use during his youth.

Then Mike Huckabee apologized to Mitt Romney over his suggestion that Mormons believed Jesus Christ and the devil to be brothers.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thought some apologies from him were in order. Although he has never made this charge in public, privately he has referred to George Bush as an idiot. Technically an idiot is a person with an I Q below 20. Perrin does not believe the Bush’s IQ is that low.

In private conversation Perrin has referred to Bush as a liar. The former English professor now says that some of the lies about WMD and other stuff that came out of GSB’s mouth may have been fed to him by Karl or Dick or some other henchmen. Perrin apologizes from calling W a liar.

Carl Perrin has also stated that Bush and Cheney should be impeached for misleading the nation in all kinds of things, leading us into a senseless war, and irreparably damaging the nation and its reputation around the world. Perrin is not apologizing for that. He still thinks that Bush and Cheney should be impeached.

UNSUNG HEROES

Poor Al Gonzales got kicked around during his term as U. S. Attorney General, but he is finally getting his reward: The American Bar Association has named him lawyer of the year. The Bush administration is full of people who didn’t get the recognition they deserve. How about Michael Brown. They blamed him for FEMA’s disastrous handling of Hurricane Katrina. At least the president told him he was doing a heck of a job. Since Brown left, things haven’t gotten any better in New Orleans, so maybe Brownie wasn’t the only one at fault.

What about CIA Director of the year? George Tenet assured the White House gang that Iraq’s possession of WMD was a “slam dunk.” At least Tenet got the Medal of Freedom. George Bush should have a bunch of those hanging around to hand out to loyal henchmen.

Don’t forget Gonzales’s assistant, Monica Gooding. She weeded a lot of closet Democrats out of the Attorney General’s office. Did she get any thanks for that? Did the president even say, “Heck of a job, Monica”?

One of the great heroes of the Bush administration is former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, who saved a lot of money by trying to invade Iraq on the cheap. He even forced the retirement of General Shinseki when the general suggested that they need a lot more troops to do it right. Then a couple of days after the election, the administration tells Rumsfeld that they don’t require his services any more. So what’s Rummy doing now, sitting around brooding over his treatment?

Then there’s Karl Rove. Once they realize that no one likes him, they just send him back to Texas. That’s a fine thank-you.

Julie MacDonald was doing a heck of a job as Deputy Assistant Secretary in the Department in Interior. She had to rewrite all those reports done by scientists who were not sensitive to business interests when they wrote about endangered species and stuff. When she left, some people cheered. How’s that for appreciation?

Don’t forget Randy Tobias , who as Deputy Secretary of State urged abstinence rather than condoms to prevent AIDS while he employed the services of “DC Madam” Jeanne Palfrey. Now he’s gone home to wherever. Think about all the money he saved by not supplying condoms. Did anyone say, “You’ve done a great job, Randy”?

And of course there’s Wolfy. Paul Wolfowitz did such a great job getting the country into the war in Iraq, and then he became president of the World Bank for a while before he was forced out. Someone should at least name him Banker of the Year.

IOWA IS CHANGING EVERYTHING

Republican voters, dissatisfied with the front-running candidates, are taking a closer look at former Arkansas governor, former Baptist minister, Mike Huckabee. The latest polls have put Huckabee ahead of Mitt Romney in Iowa, even though Romney has spent a pile of money in the state in preparation for the January 3 caucus. Over the past few months, Huckabee has come from way behind. A win in Iowa could put him at the front of the pack. He could easily become the Republican nominee for the presidency.

At the same time Democratic front runner,Hillary Clinton, is showing weakness in Iowa. Although she still leads nationally, in Iowa it is a three-way race between Clinton, Obama, and Edwards. Whoever wins in Iowa and in New Hampshire the next week could leave the others in the dust.

Mike Huckabee rose from the bottom of the pack. Now he has a clear shot at the top position. Democratic candidate Carl Perrin is still at the very bottom, even below Dennis Kucinich, but a lot could change in the next month. Perrin has high hopes of a good showing in New Hampshire, the state where he grew up, went to school, and started his teaching career.

Don’t be too quick to write off Perrin’s candidacy as a Quixotic quest. The top three Democrats could knock each other out of the race, and the party will need a unifier like Dr. Carl Perrin. The general election could be a race between former Baptist minister Mike Huckabee and former English professor, Dr. Carl Perrin.

CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS

In last Friday’s post we noted that several of the leading candidates for the presidency have garnered the support of show business stars. Since Friday we have learned that we barely brushed the surface of Hollywood endorsements.

Actor Robert Duvall has come out for Rudy Guiliani. John Edwards has Danny Glover, Kevin Bacon, Tim Robbins, and Ben Stiller in his camp. Barack Obama not only has Oprah campaigning for him. Jamie Foxx, Paul Newman, Will Smith, and Joanne Woodward are also supporting the Illinois senator. Bill Richardson has a big celebrity following: Michael Douglas, Steven Spielberg, Jodie Foster, Bette Midler, and Paul Newman. (Evidently Newman isn’t going to put all his eggs in one basket.)

Even Dennis Kucinich has a couple of famous names in his corner: Bonnie Raitt and Larry Flynt. Larry Flynt? How much help can that sort of endorsement be? It’s like Pat Robertson coming out in favor of Rudy Giuliani and Dick Cheney endorsing Carl Perrin.

Perrin is also picking up a few endorsements. Camden, Maine, philanthropist Oliver Tolliver P. Martin Dragbag III recently came out for Perrin. Portland, Maine, businessman J. Pierpont Peaseblossom announced his support for the former English professor a while back. The problem with endorsememtns by these two outstanding citizens is that are not well known outside of the section of Maine where they live.

The Perrin campaign is still looking for endorsements from show biz personalities, and the first one just came in this morning. Mary Belle Sassafras, a noted singer in the Gorham, Maine, area has volunteered to campaign for Dr. Carl Perrin. Ms Sassafras has never been to Hollywood, but she sings with a lot of pick-up bands in Cumberland County. “Whenever Carl Perrin campaigns in Maine,” she said, “I’m going to be there, singing my heart out for him.”

PERRIN CONFESSES

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin took the bull by the horns and confessed that he is a chocoholic. A lot of people, although they admire the former English professor, were concerned about having a man with Perrin’s weakness for chocolate in the White House.

Speaking before a group of six or seven senior citizens in his retirement village, the candidate sought to reassure the public that they had nothing to fear from having a chocoholic president. “It’s not like I’d go on a chocolate binge and then go crazy and declare Venezuela, Cuba, and Bolivia an axes of evil, and then invade oil-rich Venezuela to prevent it from putting a strangle hold on South America.” Perrin chuckled at the ridiculousness of such an idea.

Perrin admitted that he does have a craving for chocolate, but he insisted, “I can keep it under control. I just limit myself to three or four chocolate bars a day, and everything is fine.”

WHAT IS MISSING IN PERRIN’S CAMPAIGN?

Democrat Dr Carl Perrin’s campaign is picking up steam. At first his financing was limited to money from returnable cans and bottles. Now every few weeks he gets one or two campaign donations in the form of small checks. He now has almost a thousand dollars in his election fund, not enough to spend on advertising in the primaries, but there will be some for the general election next fall. Name recognition is climbing too. From reading his blog, several hundred people now know that he is running for the president. So the campaign is going pretty well, but still something is missing, and Perrin is way behind all those professional politicians.

What do these other candidates have that Perrin lacks? It is not ability or charisma or good looks obviously. What they have is a celebrity helping them in their campaign. Oprah is campaigning for Barack Obama while Chuck Norris puts in a good word for Mike Huckabee. Barbra Streisand is supporting the former first lady and Warren Buffett is helping with her fund raising. You get the picture?

Dr. Perrin needs a celebrity to get the word out about his campaign. We wondered why some famous personality hasn’t already come out and said, “Vote for Perrin. He’s our man!” It soon became clear that no big name had come to Perrin’s aid because they didn’t realize he needed anyone’s help. It is obvious that Perrin is so eminently qualified for high office that no one thought they needed to come out and endorse him and give him a hand with his campaign.

Unfortunately in the real world even someone as outstanding as Perrin needs some star power to help him along. So come on, you entertainment luminaries, you famous people from all walks of life, it’s time for you to come out and support Dr. Carl Perrin’s candidacy.

WILL HILLARY BE A DRAG ON THE PARTY?

Democratic members of Congress running for reelection are worried that if Hillary Clinton is nominated for the presidency, they will lose votes. This is particularly true of Democrats running in heavily Republican districts. Nancy Boyda, a Democrat from Kansas, is one who could be affected. Sixty percent of the voters in her district went for George Bush in the 2004 election. Now Ms. Boyda faces a tough reelection battle. Some of her supporters are concerned that if Senator Clinton heads the Democratic ticket in 2008, people like Congresswoman Boyda will lose.

Politicians like Boyda are asserting their independence from leading Democrats in hopes of saving their Congressional seats. Democrats running for office are distancing themselves from Hillary Clinton, just as Republican politicians are staying as far away from Bush and Cheney as they can.

It is time to nominate who will not alienate independent voters, a man who has never even been in Washington, someone like Dr. Carl Perrin, a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

ANOTHER SLAM DUNK

President George Bush got another intelligence report stating that Iran had stopped working on nuclear weapons in 2003. The report supercedes the 2005 report that insisted that Iran was hell bent for leather to develop the nukes.

Mr. Bush affirmed that the report proved that he had been right all along. “Because of our efforts, we were able to avert World War III,” he said.

Meanwhile Vice President Dick Cheney has been out of sight for a while. There is some speculation that Cheney has been trying to draft former CIA Director George Tenet as a contract intelligence officer. According to our sources Cheney wants Tenet to prove that Iran is on the verge of developing nuclear weapons and aiming them at Washington.

HUCKABEE, OBAMA, AND PERRIN MOVING UP THROUGH THE RANKS

Doubts about the two Republican front runners keep growing. Rudy and Mitt keep attacking each other and trying to outdo each other in changing their positions. Romney was for government-supported health care before he was against it. Giuliani was for gun control before he was against it. Etc., etc., etc.

Into this moral void former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee is filling some of the empty space. He is rising in the polls and being attacked by fiscal conservatives for having raised taxes while he was governor. Things have changed in the Republican landscape.

We are beginning to see changes among the Democratic candidates as well. Some people find Mrs. Clinton too scripted. They are not as sure as they were a few months ago that she has the nomination sewed up. If Hillary is knocked out of first place, most people assume that she will be replaced by one of her closest rivals. Right now Barack Obama is ahead of her in Iowa. On the national scene some people see a candidate from the back of the pack moving up, someone perhaps like Dr. Carl Perrin. For some people, Perrin is the perfect solution for voters who are fed up with all those professional politicians. Perrin: a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

MORE DIRT ON PERRIN

More details are emerging on Democratic candidate Carl Perrin’s trips to Maine at taxpayer expense. In his public announcements, Perrin has emphasized the campaign in the state of Maine. But we have learned that he started going to Maine long before he even thought about running for the Democratic nomination. According to our sources, these trips go back at least to 2001. Frequently he went by himself, telling his wife that he was “visiting relatives in Maine.”

We have learned that he always stayed at the home of the unidentified woman pictured above, a woman, we might add, who looks young enough to be Perrin’s daughter. When reporters confronted the candidate about what was going on, he refused to identify the woman. “Where I go in Maine is nobody’s beeswax,” the angry former professor insisted. Our sources have not identified the woman by name, but we have learned that she is a volunteer worker for Perrin’s campaign in Maine.

Campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose told us that he believes the leaks about Perrin’s secret life are coming from Democratic front runners. “They see a surge in support for Dr. Perrin, and they feel threatened by his candidacy.”

GIULIANI HANKY PANKY?

Some people were not surprised that Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was suspected of some, let’s say, extracurricular trips to Maine on taxpayer dollars. The former English professor, after all, is a sophisticated man of the world.

What is hard to believe is that former New York City mayor Rudy Giuliani, thrice-married Catholic, may have been involved in some hanky panky himself, at taxpayer expense. While he was mayor, Giuliani charged tens of thousands of dollars to various city agencies for trips to such places as the Hamptons, where he was evidently meeting Judith Nathan. One of the agencies charged was that which was responsible for loft apartments, like the apartment where Giuliani appointee Bernard Kerik had his own little fling with Judith Regan.

City auditors who questioned the expenses were told that the details couldn’t be revealed because of “security” reasons. At the time of these trips Rudy was having a little fling with Judith Nathan, who became his third wife.

DID PERRIN TRAVEL AT TAXPAYERS’ EXPENSE?

Aristotle Mongoose, spokesman for Dr. Carl Perrin’s presidential campaign, denied that the candidate had been traveling to Maine for years at taxpayers’ expense. Nevertheless, rumors keep leaking out that Perrin not only went to Maine often, but that he went to see the woman shown in the picture at left.

Perrin refused to identify the woman in the picture other than to say she is a political supporter. He denies that he has ever done anything at the taxpayers’ expense since he got out of the army in 1954. Informants, however, say otherwise. He has been travelling to Maine quite frequently, we have been told, and in recent years his major source of income is from Social Security, and Social Security comes from the taxpayers.

Mongoose said he could not comment further on the issue because of security reasons.

REPUBLICAN DEBATES

At last night’s debate, Republican candidates didn’t have much to say about Hillary Clinton. They were too busy attacking each other. Romney and Guiliani were at it again, each charging the other with being soft on illegal immigration. While he was in the attack mode, Romney criticized Mike Huckabee for having proposed a tuition break for children of illegal immigrants when he was governor of Arkansas. Romney argued with John McCain over waterboarding. Romney thought it was okay. McCain charged that the failure to condemn waterboarding was a failure to understand American principles.
Fred Thompson made a couple of good points: Mitt Romney was for abortion rights before he was against them, and he was for an immigration bill before he was against a similar one.

Few of the candidates looked very good, but Romney wins the award as the most wishy-washy, waffling candidate among the Republicans.

MITT AND RUDY ARE AT IT AGAIN!

Mitt Romney took a vicious swipe at Rudy Guiliani. He said that the mayor had said nice things about Hillary Clinton’s health plan when it first came out. What a cruel blow! He said something nice about a Democrat!

Guiliani came right back and accused Romney of throwing stones from inside a glass house. Rudy’s spokeswoman asserted that the former Massachusetts governor’s health plan was just like Hillarycare. Take that, Mitt! Romney charged Guiliani with being loose with the facts, charging that the mayor just makes up his own facts.

Both of these men change their positions more often than some people change their socks. If you’re looking for a candidate that is always the same, take a look at Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin, a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

THE REAL FISCAL CONSERVATIVE

This past weekend Mitt Romney called Rudy Guiliani a Big Cit Big Spender who left a huge budget gap when he was mayor of New York City. Campaigning in Laconia, NH, Guiliani charged back that per capita spending in New York City was down during his administration while spending in Massachusetts was up while Romney was governor. Romney was not able to reduce taxes in Massachusetts, but Guiliani reduced taxes 23 times as New York City mayor.

Romney said that what we need is someone who will rein in spending and say, enough is enough. We have to agree with that, and we can’t think of a more egregious mismanagement of the budget than the present Republican administration in Washington.

Romney and Guiliani can talk about fiscal responsibility, but look at how much they are spending on their political campaigns. If you want to elect a real fiscal conservative, consider Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. His favorite drink is cheap beer, and he isn’t spending a dime on his campaign.

OPEN LETTER TO NEW HAMPSHIRE DEMOCRATS

Despite the valiant efforts of Carl Perrin supporters collecting returnable cans and bottles, there was not enough money in Perrin’s campaign fund to register to be placed on the New Hampshire primary ballot. Perrin is not going to let a little thing like that stop him. You can still write his name on the ballot on January 8.

As you know, Perrin grew up on a farm in Amherst, NH. He and his brother milked the cows before they went to school in the morning. During the summer they cut the hay and brought it to the barn to feed the cows in the winter. Perrin knows what it is like to work on a farm.

He graduated from Amherst High School, the University of New Hampshire, and Rivier College in Nashua, NH. He began his teaching career in Hollis, NH.

Perrin left college in the middle of his junior year to join the army during the Korean War. He belonged to the New Hampshire National Guard from 1956-58.

Perrin understands farmers. Did any of the other candidates ever work on a farm? He understands veterans and military personnel. Did any of the other candidates, other than John McCain, ever serve in the military? While he was going to UNH days, Perrin worked on the second shift at the General Electric plant in Somersworth, NH. Perrin understands working people. Did any of the other candidates ever work in a factory?

Other candidates, Democrats and Republicans, are going to be flooding the media with campaign ads in the weeks to come. Perrin doesn’t have enough money for that kind of media blitz. He is depending on you to help further his campaign, to get the word out by forwarding this message to at least ten people. At the bottom of this message at the right, opposite the place for comments, is an envelope icon. Just click on that to forward this message to ten people. If you do that, love and fortune will come to you. At the same time you will be helping a worthy candidate win the election.

Bless you.

ALARMING TREND

According to the British Beer and Pub Association, the number of pints of beer sold in British pubs has declined by 22 percent since 1979. Part of the reason for this decline is a rise in taxes on the brew. In the last ten years the tax on beer has grown by 27 percent. The increased cost of barley has also added to the cost of beer. A lot of Britons have switched to wine! It boggles the mind.

We don’t want to be alarmists, but we must face the facts. The same thing could happen in America. American farmers who once grew barley are now growing corn to be made into ethanol. Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin wants to see price supports for barley, so we can keep the price of beer affordable to the average working person.

Dr. Perrin does not want to see America become a country of effete, Francophile, wine-drinking snobs. Perrin is the beer-drinking man’s candidate. Perrin: a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

CHENEY ENDORSES A DEMOCRAT

Dick Cheney has endorsed Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin for the presidency. The vice president conceded that he doesn’t agree with Perrin on every issue, but he went on to say, “Perrin is a good man. He has a good head on his shoulders. I know that while he is in office, he will do what is right for the country.”

When Perrin heard of the conservative Republican’s endorsement, he was outraged. He commented, “Cheney says he doesn’t agree with me on every issue. It would be more accurate to say that we don’t agree on ANY issue. Does he want people to think that I believe we should drop a bomb on Iran? Or maybe that water boarding is an OK thing to do? Maybe he thinks I believe we should get rid of entitlement programs like Social Security and Medicare.

Cheney is insane, Perrin insisted. “An endorsement from Darth Vadar is a kiss of death. He knows damn well that we don’t agree on anything. He is trying to embarrass me in this endorsement. He knows that his unpopularity will rub off on me if he says I am OK. I am convinced it is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.”

Political insiders believe that the Cheney endorsement was done deliberately to make liberals question Perrin’s position on crucial issues. “It’s a political dirty trick,” said Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose. “The Republicans have targeted Perrin because, even though he is behind in the polls and in fund raising now, they know he will be moving up soon, and they know he will be the hardest to beat in the general election.”

IS LOU DOBBS BEING COY?

Lou Dobbs insists that he will not run for the presidency, but he doesn’t like any of the Democratic or Republican candidates. A little over a week ago he said there would be a new candidate, someone whom he described an "independent populist . . . who understands the genius of this country lies in the hearts and minds of its people and not in the prerogatives and power of its elites." Hey, wait. Does that sound like anyone you’ve seen on television? It seems clear that he is referring to this “mystery candidate” so he can build interest and get a lot of attention when he actually makes the announcement.

We are reminded of Stephen Colbert, who made a brief stab at the South Carolina primary and then withdrew when the Democratic Party did not accept his application. Colbert is no longer running for the presidency, but his brief fling with politics sure as hell helped the ratings of his show. Dobbs’s non-announcement has also helped the ratings of his TV show.

You have to hand it to Dobbs. He is consistent. No matter what is going on in the real world, Lou is always able to relate it to his hobby horse: illegal immigration and trade agreements with other countries.

Stephen Colbert and perhaps Lou Dobbs had their little fling with the nomination to raise the television ratings. But Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin doesn’t have a television show. He is not a Johnny-come-lately. He has been in the race since last spring. Perrin is in for the long haul. Perrin: a man of the people and the people’s choice.

GRENDEL

An advert for the new movie Beowulf says it isn’t like the version that your high school teacher taught you. During the early sixties Carl Perrin was a high school English teacher, and he taught Beowulf. His version of the Anglo-Saxon epic was a little different also. His rendering of the story, which was published in the June 1956 issue of Phlush, a publication of St. Louis Mensa, appears below

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GRENDEL

Monsters are a generally misunderstood lot. Perhaps the most misunderstood of all monsters is Grendel. His story is told entirely from the point of view of Geats and Scyldings, and if you’re looking for the truth from a Scylding, you’ll wait for a long time. According to their story, they were sitting quietly in their meadhall (an early type of VFW hall), having a couple of quick ones when Grendel burst in and, with no provocation, devoured two or three of the Scylding gang, blood, bones and all.

This is possibly the earliest example of yellow journalism. Think of the most depraved person imaginable. Would even he be capable of doing a thing like this? There may be a grain of truth in the story, or it would not have survived over a thousand years, but most of the details are pure imagination. The Scyldings suggest that Grendel broke into their meadhall and ate several of their brethren out of pure sadism. Frankly, I can’t imagine anyone that gross.

After doing some research on the subject, I believe I can supply a more accurate account of the evening. The Scyldings say they were just having a nightcap. Well, if you’ve ever met a Scylding or a Geat, you know there’s no such thing as a “couple of drinks” where either is concerned. When a couple of Scyldings got together for what they call a few drinks, it was one hell of an evening. Did you ever see a Scylding that could talk quietly, even sober? Not on your spear. Normally Scyldings shout at the top of their lungs, and each drink raises the volume by at least five decibels. (See Schwartzkopf, Hans. Getrunkenstudiert. Heorot, 805.)

Now imagine living next door to a family of these souses. There is no doubt whatever that the first couple of times this so-called monster—Grendel—came to the meadhall, he merely knocked on the door and said something like, “Look, fellows, hold it down, will you? I’ve got to go to work on the early shift.” Whether they even understood him in their besotted state is a loaded question, but there is little doubt that their answer was a drunken giggle and a call for another round of mead. What was Grendel to do? He tried to call the police, but they were out moonlighting at other meadhalls. Cotton in the ear had little effect.

If this had happened once, or even occasionally, it might have been bearable, but night after night after night! Grendel lost weight. His eyes were red rimmed. His reflexes were awry. He was hoarse. He inadvertently stuck his finger into a spear sharpener and ground it to a fine point before he could stop himself.

One night, or morning, at about three-thirty, after Grendel had been tossing and turning for five hours, and the party was particularly wild, something inside him snapped. He ran all the way to the meadhall and threw the door open. The look on his face was, well, monstrous. His hair pointed every which way. There was a heavy stubble on his chin. His eyes were bloodshot. Two of his fingers were sharpened to a fine point.

Grendel shoved Charlie Scylding, who was too paralyzed to fight back and too drunk to refrain from egging the monster on. During the ensuing brawl, Grendel bit Harry Geat on the right choleric humor. That’s that. That stuff about gulping blood and bone is pure libel. Grendel was guilty of nothing that would be unexpected of any normal man.

DIRTY POLITICS

In the convoluted world of politics, there is no end to the depths to which political operatives will sink to slime the opposition. One of the latest tricks is have some nut seem to support your candidate. This happened last week when Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani. People who might have been trying to make up their mind about Rudy suddenly began to wonder what was wrong with him that a wacko like Pat Robertson thought he was the best candidate.

Then a few days ago at a John McCain rally, someone referred to Hillary Clinton as a bitch. The result of that comment was to move Senator Clinton up a few more points ahead of her rivals for the nomination.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin would not stoop to such tactics of course, but if there is a real wacko out there who would like to come out in support of one of the Democratic front runners, Perrin wouldn’t object. If someone would like to call Perrin a name that would result in sympathy votes for him, that would be okay too.

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CANDIDATE

Today we interviewed Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. We asked him what was the most difficult part of campaigning.

“I hate it when those people ask all the questions,” he said. “I have a few questions myself. It’s like I’m interviewing for a job, and I wonder about the benefits. I know the salary is good, and you get free rent, free medical, and free transportation, etc. All that is fine, but what about groceries? I know my wife wouldn’t have to stand in line at the supermarket or do the cooking or stuff, but who pays for the groceries? I mean if I have the Queen of England or the King of France over for dinner, who pays for the grub? And what about when I have dinner with just the family, do I have to pay for that food out of my presidential salary? I don’t hear any of the other candidates asking questions like that.

“I also wonder about buying personal items, like tooth paste and underwear and stuff. I don’t suppose the president goes to WalMart to get things like that. Does he send someone out with a shopping list or something? I’d like to know.

“Of course I do a lot of shopping online anyway. I guess I could still do that, but I wonder about my email address. I now have an email address of drcarlperrin@etc. I wanted to use just my name: carlperrin@etc, but someone had already taken that. Isn’t there a law against that, like identity theft or something? Anyway, since someone else had used my name, I went with the drcarlperrin.etc. I’m wondering, though, when I become president, maybe I can use prescarlperrin@whatever.com. You ask, suppose I am not elected? That seems very unlikely, but if does happen, I am still president of the computer club at my retirement village, so I could still be prescarlperrin@whatever.com “

HILLARY TAKES A FIRM STAND

Some of Senator Clinton’s opponents have charged that she tries to come out on all sides of an issue and refuses to commit to anything that might offend a voter somewhere Now she has come out unequivocally in favor of New York governor Eliott Spitzer’s decision to withdraw his proposal to grant driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. The governor’s goal was to make the roads safer and to bring illegal immigrants out of the shadows.

The governor’s proposal made him the target of slings and arrows from every direction. When the topic came up in the Democratic debates two weeks ago, Mrs. Clinton in effect said, “Yes, no, maybe, let me think about it.” Her opponents suggested that maybe the New York senator was waffling just a little bit:

A spokesman for Barack Obama said, "When it takes two weeks and six different positions to answer one question on immigration, it's easier to understand why the Clinton campaign would rather plant their questions than answer them." Someone from Christopher Dodd’s campaign committee said of Mrs. Clinton was, "flip-flopping cubed. She was for it before she was against it, before she was for it, before she was against it."

Now that Sptizer has stuck his neck out and got his head chopped off, Mrs. Clinton has assumed a firm position on the issue: "I support Governor Spitzer's decision today to withdraw his proposal. As president, I will not support driver's licenses for undocumented people and will press for comprehensive immigration reform that deals with all of the issues around illegal immigration including border security and fixing our broken system." How is that for telling it like it is?

You won’t find Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin hemming and hawing like that. As soon as he decides which way the wind is blowing and what position will be best for his campaign, he will embrace it.

VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY SEEKS TO PROTECT GIULIANI

Former book publisher Judith Regan sued New Corporation yesterday, She charged that the right-wing media giant , her former employer, encouraged her to lie to federal investigators. In 2004 Bernard Kerik had been nominated to head the Homeland Security Administration. Earlier Ms. Regan had had an affair with Kerik, a married man. They carried on their romance in an apartment that was intended as a resting place for ground zero workers. As a nominee to a high federal post, Kerik would be thoroughly investigated. News Corporation, according to the suit, wanted Regan to lie about her dalliance with the former New York City police commissioner.

Kerik had been recommended for the Homeland Security post by Rudy Giulani, the man who had named him to position of police commissioner. News Corporation had been promoting Giuliani’s political career, and they didn’t want a scandal about Rudy’s protegé to embarrass the man who is now the Republican front runner. As it turned out, a little thing like an extra-marital fling was small potatoes for Kerik. He was recently indicted for income tax fraud.

Yes, Virginia, there is a vast right-wing conspiracy, and they’re willing to lie to get what they want.

PLANTED QUESTIONS

It’s so much neater if a politician can control a Q and A by planting the questions beforehand. Otherwise some wise guy in the audience is going to try to trip the speaker by asking embarrassing questions on topics about which the candidate has given no thought. People in the audience can derail the whole process and get on their own agenda, so why should a speaker give up control of the situation?

That is what someone on Mrs. Clinton’s staff thought when the candidate was speaking in Iowa last week. When Senator Clinton was speaking at Grinnell College in Iowa, a staffer prompted a college student to ask a question about global warming. When word of the planted question got out, Clinton claimed that she had no idea that the question had come from her own staff. She further stated that it was against her campaign’s policy to do such a thing. The whole thing calls to mind the recent “news conference” where the FEMA deputy director answered “questions” that had been distributed by his own staff. One of Mrs. Clinton’s opponents, John Edwards, criticized the event and compared it to methods used by George Bush.

Another Clinton opponent, Dr. Carl Perrin, sees nothing wrong with planting questions ahead of time. “I don’t know how times,” he says, “I’ve been giving a fascinating lecture on some really interesting topic like the great English vowel when some wise ass asks a question to throw me off the topic. Or they’ll say, ‘Professor Perrin, is this going to be on the test?’ It’s a lot better if you know what they’re going to ask ahead of time.”

IS RUDY ON THE WAY OUT?

Rudy Guiliani has been the Republican front runner for a while now, but things may be about to change. He is in favor of gay rights and abortion rights and gun control. When more Republicans discover his stand on these issues, they will have second thoughts about supporting him. In his campaigning, he doesn’t talk about these liberal issues. He focuses on his position on national defense. He is the one who can beat Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton. To bolster his national defense stance, he has signed on neocon Norman Podheretz.

The problem with that strategy is that the country is fed up with the neocons and the damage they have already done. Then there is Guiliani’s pretegé Bernie Kerek who has been indicted on various charges. Does Rudy have the judgment to be entrusted with running the country?

The event that is really going to throw the monkey wrench into Guiliani’s campaign is the endorsement by super kook Pat Robertson. Why would Robertson endorse a thrice-married candidate whose positions on social issues are so far from his own? Why wouldn’t Robertson endorse fellow-evangelical Mike Huckabee? Maybe he offered to endorse Huckabee, and the former Baptist minister said, “Thanks, Pat, but no thanks.” Maybe Huckabee knew that an endorsement by Robertson would be the kiss of death. And somehow he persuaded Robertson to endorse that closet Democrat Rudy Guiliani. Any sane people who had been thinking about supporting Rudy would wonder, What is wrong with him that Pat Robertson thinks he is the best candidate?

COMMUNICATIONS/CAMPAIGN DIRECTOR

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was surprised to learn that some people in New Hampshire have never heard of him. It really shouldn’t have been surprising since he moved out of the state almost 50 years ago. However, with the New Hampshire primary coming up in a couple of months, it is crucial to get his name out to the Granite Staters.

What we need is someone to direct Perrin’s campaign in New Hampshire. Of course it would have to be a volunteer job since Perrin doesn’t have enough money to pay anyone. The campaign director should be someone younger than Perrin. (That shouldn’t be hard to find. Even John McCain is younger than Carl Perrin.) It should be someone who understands YouTube and FaceBook and stuff like that. There is no budget for advertising or anything, so the director would have to rely on free sources of publicity.

If you are interested in helping out in this important activity, you don’t even have to send in a resume or contact the candidate. Just get out there and get on the job. You’ll be doing a service for democracy.

THE GOP’s FAVORITE DEMOCRAT

Hillary Clinton has been under attack by her closest rivals in the campaign for the Democratic nomination, but you don’t hear Republicans trying to tear her down. Republicans want Hillary to get the nomination because they believe she will be the easiest to beat in the general election. Why do they think that? People don’t trust her. If you google “Stop Hillary,” you get 99,100 hits. Some people don’t like Rudy Guiliani either, but if you google “Stop Rudy,” you get only 8,790 hits.

Yes, Republicans want Hillary to be the Democratic nominee because she has more negatives than any other candidate. They believe that even a flawed opponent like Rudy Guiliani can beat her in the general election, and that should give pause to all Democrats.

Compare general perception of Hillary Clinton to that of Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. It is hard to imagine a movement to stop Perrin’s candidacy or to conceive of legions of people coming out to vote for “anyone but Perrin.” If the Democrats want to win the general election, they have to choose a candidate like Carl Perrin, a man of the people and the people’s choice.

WHERE DOES HE GET THEM?

Rudy Guiliani already is getting advice from “Let’s bomb Iran” Norman Podheretz. Now he has an endorsement from “Let’s assassinate Hugo Chavez” Pat Robertson. Guiliani may be grateful to have the endorsement of Evangelical Christian Pat Robertson because conservatives have reservations about the thrice-married New Yorker, who was in favor of abortion and gay rights until he began running for president, but we wonder how many rational people will be swayed by the Robertson endorsement.

According to Robertson, he was able to pray several hurricanes away from his Virginia Beach, Virginia, headquarters. He also agreed with Jerry Falwell when the latter stated that 9/11 was caused by “pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the ACLU, and People for the American Way.” Robertson stated at one point that it might be a good idea to assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Then he charged that the people of Dover, Pennsylvania, had rejected God by voting out of office the school board that supported the teaching of intelligent design in public schools.

Robertson has some background in politics; he ran for the presidency himself in 1988. Perhaps Rudy could choose Robertson as a running mate. Maybe Pat could use his powers to do something about Ahmadinejad. We didn’t think there could be anyone in political life much weirder than Dick Cheney, but clearly we were wrong.

LOOK AT THE COMPETITION

One of Rudy Guiliani’s advisors wants to bomb Iran. Before he resigned, one of Fred Thompson’s chief fund raisers was a convicted drug dealer. Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution. Dennis Kucinich has seen UFOs. Hillary Clinton is the Democratic front runner, but no one likes her.

With competition like that, it should be clear that the country needs a calm, rational person for the presidency, someone who owes nothing to special interests. In short, a man like Dr. Carl Perrin, a man of the people and the people’s choice.

FUND RAISING

Republican congressman Ron Paul raised $4.07 million dollars for his presidential campaign on Guy Fawkes Day (November 5). Senator Hillary Clinton raised even more than that on June 30. On that one day she collected $6.2 million.

Although his fund raising is nothing like that of Paul or Clinton, Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin recently had a big day. On Halloween Perrin raised $21.42. $1.42 was from a collection jar that he left in the clubhouse at his retirement village. The rest from in the form of a twenty-dollar bill he found in the parking lot.

Although other candidates have a lot more money than he has, Perrin isn’t worried. In just a couple of months the primary season will be open. Perrin doesn’t plan to campaign in Iowa, but he hopes to do well in New Hampshire. He’s not planning to spend any money in the Granite State, but he has a lot of contacts there. He grew up in Amherst, NH, and graduated from Amherst High School. He attended Keene Teachers College and graduated from the University of New Hampshire and earned at master’s degree from Rivier College in Nashua, NH. He also started his teaching career at Hollis High School in Hollis, NH.

Although Perrin is not planning to spend any of his campaign funds in New Hampshire, he knows New Hampshire people, and he knows they will understand his desire not to spend any money if he can avoid it.

PERRIN IS SWIFTBOATED!

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has come under vicious attack by the wine industry. Not a single industry has contributed to Perrin’s campaign for the Democratic nomination, but one industry has pulled out all stops in an effort to sink the former professor’s campaign. The wine industry will stoop to any dirty trick deny the presidency to Perrin.

In an effort to turn wine drinkers against Perrin, last month’s issue of The Vinters’ Monthly stated, falsely we might add, that Perrin had referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs. Perrin replied that the statement is an outright lie, and The Vinters’ Monthly can expect to hear from his lawyers. First of all, Perrin explained, his wife is a wine drinker. If he actually referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs, he would be in the dog house. The wine industry’s lie seeks not only to turn wine drinkers against Perrin; it also seeks to alienate Francophiles. That is really ridiculous, Perrin says. “In case you haven’t noticed, Perrin is a French name.”

The wine industry is evidently motivated by the fear that when Perrin becomes president, people will turn away from wine, and we will become a nation of beer drinkers. To that fear, Perrin says they have nothing to worry about. “If people want to drink wine, that’s okay with me. I just happen to prefer cheap beer.”

THE GUILIANI ADMINISTRATION

Rudy Guiliani really knows how to pick them. Still, you’ve got to hand it to him. He likes to give a guy a chance. Even though his friend Berny Kerik was suspected of having mob connections, Rudy didn’t let that stand in the way of appointing Berny New York City police commissioner. Now one of his advisers is “Let’s bomb Iran” Norman Podheretz.

If Rudy is elected president, maybe he could find a job in his administration for Al Gonzalez, something that doesn’t require congressional confirmation. Come to think of it, Dick Cheney will be out of work then. Maybe Rudy could find something for him to do.

COLBERT OFF THE BALLOT IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin breathed a sigh of relief when he learned that South Carolina Democrats had rejected Stephen Colbert’s bid to appear on the ballot in the state’s primary. Perrin has some connection with South Carolina, having been stationed at Fort Jackson, just outside of Columbia during the Korean War. Nevertheless, our favorite candidate knew it would be tough to go against South Carolina native son Stephen Colbert.

Unfortunately Perrin will not be on the primary ballot either. No one told him that Thursday was the deadline for filing. Anyway, he doesn’t have $2500 in his campaign fund to pay the filing fee. Sure, money keeps coming in from Maine volunteers who are collecting returnable cans and bottle for him, but $2500 is more than he has raised since he began his campaign last spring.

Anyway, Perrin is appealing to South Carolina Democrats to write his name on the ballot. Some of you South Carolinians may remember him, the good-looking young soldier from the Dixie Division.