IS PERRIN A SECRET OENOPHILE?

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin charges political dirty tricks. On the eve of the New Hampshire primary, where Perrin hoped to triumph because of his long-time connections with the state, someone has been passing around flyers that question the former English professor’s devotion to cheap beer. “It’s a vast left/right wing conspiracy,” Perrin says. “They’ll do anything to stop me!”

The flyer has a picture of the candidate, all dressed up to go partying. In his hand he holds, not a beer stein, but a martini glass. “Is this the kind of man you want in the White House?” the flyer asks. “Perrin may talk about cheap beer, but if he gets elected, you can bet wine will be served at every White House function.” The paper goes on to suggest that a man who changes his mind about beer can change his mind about other things as well. “Don’t believe Perrin’s promises,” the flyer states. “He will change his mind about them as soon as he is elected.”

Perrin is stunned by this dirty trick that comes just before the primaries. He knows it is sure to hurt him. He concedes that he might not win the New Hampshire primary, but he still hopes to make a good showing. “My Sigma Tau Gamma fraternity brothers will spread the word that I liked cheap beer way back when I was in college.”

PERRIN IS SWIFTBOATED!

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has come under vicious attack by the wine industry. Not a single industry has contributed to Perrin’s campaign for the Democratic nomination, but one industry has pulled out all stops in an effort to sink the former professor’s campaign. The wine industry will stoop to any dirty trick deny the presidency to Perrin.

In an effort to turn wine drinkers against Perrin, last month’s issue of The Vinters’ Monthly stated, falsely we might add, that Perrin had referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs. Perrin replied that the statement is an outright lie, and The Vinters’ Monthly can expect to hear from his lawyers. First of all, Perrin explained, his wife is a wine drinker. If he actually referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs, he would be in the dog house. The wine industry’s lie seeks not only to turn wine drinkers against Perrin; it also seeks to alienate Francophiles. That is really ridiculous, Perrin says. “In case you haven’t noticed, Perrin is a French name.”

The wine industry is evidently motivated by the fear that when Perrin becomes president, people will turn away from wine, and we will become a nation of beer drinkers. To that fear, Perrin says they have nothing to worry about. “If people want to drink wine, that’s okay with me. I just happen to prefer cheap beer.”