GOP CONVENTION SPEAKER

No one knows what will happen at the GOP Convention in Cleveland, but whatever it is, it probably won’t be pretty. Former Republican Presidents and Presidential candidates have announced that they won’t be there. Donald Trump is even having trouble getting prominent Republicans to speak at the event.

In one of the strangest developments in this Strangest Show on Earth, rumors are circulating that the Donald will ask former Presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin to speak in Cleveland. What! Perrin is a life-long Democrat. How can anyone think that he would even consider speaking at the Republican convention, especially one that is poised to nominate Donald Trump?

We must emphasize that this is only rumor, a rumor that we have not been able to verify from other sources. According to this rumor, Trump is really desperate to get speakers for the big event, and although Perrin is not nationally known, within his small circle, a lot of people know him. Further, according to the story, the retired English professor will be able to speak on any topic he wants. The Trump people are even suggesting that Perrin will be encouraged to talk about cheap beer.

You can see the dilemma that puts Perrin in. People who know him are aware of much he likes to talk about cheap beer. As one close associate said, “He won’t shut up about cheap beer.” Will this life-long Democrat go to the convention in Cleveland and witness the possible nomination of the least-qualified presidential candidate ever in order to get a chance to talk to the country about cheap beer?

Only time will tell.

SERIOUS CANDIDATE?

Few except the most gullible believe that Donald Trump is a serious candidate for the presidency. Some skeptics are raising the same question about Democratic candidate Carl Perrin. Perrin insists that he is much more serious about the issues than Trump.

Trump’s bluster and bombast, Perrin says, are all vague, superficial generalities. He wants to build a wall between the U. S. and Mexico and have the Mexican government pay for it! No word about how he going to do this. No details. No specifics. It is obviously never going to happen.

He is going to send all illegal Mexican aliens back to Mexico. There is no thought to how that would disrupt the American economy or how he would find all the millions of illegal aliens or move them back to Mexico. If any news person presses him for particulars, Trump becomes belligerent.

Perrin, on the other hand, has one main issue: cheap beer. It all started when farmers began to plant more corn so that it could be made into ethanol. Land that had previous been planted with barley is now used to grow corn. Since there was less barley for making beer, the price of beer began to go up, making it more expensive for the average American.

Perrin wants to solve this problem by having the government provide price support for barley. It would be good for farmers, good for the economy and good for six-pack Joe. Here is a workable, detailed plan for keeping the price of beer low for working Americans. Perrin is serious about keeping beer affordable for the people of this great country. This is not a position Perrin arrived at in time for a political campaign. Perrin has always been serious about cheap beer. 

SHOCKING NEWS

Political insiders were flabbergasted to learn that one-time presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin will not be running in the 2012 election. As the former English professor explained to all thirteen of his supporters, “Things are such a mess in Washington that it would take a miracle worker to get the government going again.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed a middle-aged woman wearing a Perrin for President sweatshirt, “That’s why we want you to run. We need a miracle worker like you to knock some heads together and kick some butt. We need someone who can make Congress listen to common sense.”

Perrin thanked the crowd for its confidence in him, but he said he would not be campaigning in the next election. “What about running in 2016?” someone asked. “That’s a definite possibility,” the octogenarian Perrin replied.

In one last question from the floor a Perrin backer asked, “What would you do if there was an overwhelming demand, a Draft Perrin for President movement?”

“In a case like that, we would just have to wait and see,” Perrin answered before going to join a couple of friends to drink cheap beer.

DINNER WITH SARAH

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner date with herself and her husband Todd. The bids on eBay start at $25,000, but the winner does not necessarily get dinner with Sarah and Todd. “Governor Palin reserves the right to refuse dinner with a winning bidder if, in her sole discretion, the winning bidder is not a suitable bidder based on her subjective standards of suitability, professionalism, background and other factors.” In other words, if she doesn’t like your politics, you don’t get the date, even though you have paid at least $25,000. If you are rejected, your money will be refunded, and the next highest bidder will get the invitation. And the background check.

Retired English professor and presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinks this is one of the best ideas Sarah has had yet. He’s going to try the same thing. The opening bid for dinner with Perrin will be just $100. You can’t go wrong. Dinner will be at any pizza joint in Ocean County, NJ, as long as it serves beer.

The money raised from dinner with Sarah is going to a charity, Ride 2 Recovery. Any money raised from the dinner with Perrin auction, on the other hand, will go toward buying cheap beer for Perrin.

Sarah is screening bidders so she won’t have to eat with a liberal. Perrin is placing no such restriction on his auction. If the high bidder starts yakking away like a right wing nutcase, Perrin will just shut off his hearing aid.

ARE PERRIN SUPPORTERS READY TO GET BEHIND OBAMA?

Dr. Carl Perrin has dropped from the presidential race and thrown his support to Senator Barack Obama. Some of Perrin’s followers, however, are not yet ready to cry “uncle.” Although Obama clearly appreciates and needs the former English professor’s backing, he has not yet offered jobs to any of Perrin’s former staffers. On that subject, a spokesperson from Obama headquarters said, “Perrin didn’t have any paid staff people. Everyone who worked on the Perrin campaign was a volunteer. We’re perfectly willing to let them volunteer for us.”

While former candidate Carl Perrin would like to see his campaign workers get a job in the Obama operation, he is more interested in getting a job for himself in the Obama administration. He has some really great ideas on how to keep the price of beer within reach for working American men and women. Obama headquarters has Perrin’s telephone number and e-mail address. He is waiting to hear from them.

THE COST OF BIOFUEL

Some people think our campaign for cheap beer is just a joke, but we are dead serious about this. Why has the cost of beer been going up for the past couple of years? It is because the farmers who used to grow barley are now growing corn. Barley is used to make beer. As the supply of barley decreases, the price goes up. The cost is then passed on to the nation’s beer drinkers.

Why are farmers growing corn? Because corn will be processed into ethanol. The more ethanol we use, the less petroleum. The less petroleum, the less damage to the atmosphere. At least that’s the theory. But according to a recent study, it might not work that way. As more and more land is cleared to make way for biofuels, greenhouse gases are released into the atmosphere. This happens when vegetation that has been cut down is burned. It gets worse. The new crops do not absorb as much carbon dioxide as the trees they replaced. The end result is that biofuels ultimately create more greenhouse gases than do conventional fuels.

Another adverse result is that vegetable oil once used in cooking is now being converted in diesel fuel. The result is that the cost of food has gone up. This is particularly painful in the poorer countries.

We’re all for protecting the atmosphere, but we wonder if biofuels are the way to go, particularly if they don’t really cut down on greenhouse gases, make food more expensive for the world’s poor, and increase the cost of beer.

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CANDIDATE

Shortly after the New Hampshire primary, we were sit down with Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin.

G1: In yesterday’s vote you were lumped with “Others,” who gained only 1.1 percent of the vote. Even Dennis Kucinich beat you out with 1.4 percent. We know that Kucinich is little loopy, but you seem to have more common sense than most politicians. Do you realistically have any hope of winning the nomination?

Perrin: I admit it doesn’t look too good for me now, but anything can change. A couple of months ago who would have thought that Mike Huckabee could win in Iowa? Last summer everyone thought that John McCain was out of the race, but then he won in New Hampshire. Things could turn around for me too.

G1: After Iowa Joe Biden and Chris Dodd, two respected senators, dropped out of the race. After New Hampshire, Bill Richardson dropped out. He is a governor; he served in the Clinton administration, and he has a lot of diplomatic experience. If a man like that didn’t think he could get elected, what makes you think it is possible for you.

Perrin: That just narrows the field. Right now I’m battling Kucinich for last place. If one of the front runners makes a big a mistake, I will be ready to move on up.

G1: Some people are saying that you have just one tune in your campaign, cheap beer. Are you going to continue running on that issue?

Perrin: I’m glad you asked that, G1. My staff and I have given a lot of thought to campaign tactics. We have been appealing to beer drinkers, but now we realize people who don’t think of themselves in those stereotypic terms. They think of themselves as Americans who just happen to like cheap beer. We are going to continue to appeal to that bloc, but we are also going to reach out to other natural constituencies.

G1: Such as?

Perrin: Senior citizens for one. Older Americans know that I will try to fix Bush’s Kafkaesque medication plan with its donut hole. Some seniors are just barely getting by on Social Security. When they reach the donut hole at the end of the year, their expenses for medication come to hundreds of dollars a month. I will fix that.

Another natural constituency for me is teachers. We need to do something about No Child Left Behind, so teachers don’t have to spend half the year teaching for a test.

G1: That’s all very commendable, Mr. Perrin, but how do you expect to get people to come out and vote for you.

The rigors of the campaign show on Perrin’s face as he gives a weary smile: It will be like an epiphany, when voters, one by one, realize that I am the man they want in the White House.

PERRIN ASKS FORGIVENESS

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin asks the nation’s beer drinkers for their forgiveness. Confronted with a picture of him holding a martini, Perrin confesses that he did indeed have a couple of martinis. But even while he asks for forbearance, he tries to excuse it, saying, “It was New Year’s Eve, for gawd’s sake.”

Pushed by reporters, Perrin confessed that he occasionally has a glass of wine, but he insisted that when he drinks wine, it is cheap wine. “I’m not a wino,” he declared. “My drink of choice has always been cheap beer.”

Perrin went on to talk about how he drank cheap beer in the army, in college, and ever since. Nevertheless, some of his supporters are beginning to have doubts. Herman Shinklemann of Dover, New Hampshire, said, “I really believed in Perrin. He seemed like a regular, beer-drinking guy, but I just can’t help but wonder if he is a secret wine-drinking snob. I was going to vote for him in the primaries, but I ended up voting for Mike Huckabee instead.”

DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE STUNNED BY NH LOSS

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was stunned by his poor showing in the New Hampshire primary yesterday. Even Dennis Kucinich ran ahead of Perrin with 1.4 percent of the vote. Votes for “Others” garnered only 1.1 percent. “I grew up in the state, went to school there, and starting teaching in Hollis, New Hampshire.” Perrin’s campaign was hurt by two things: the negative brochure that suggested he was a martini drinker—or even worse—a wine sipper, rather than a beer drinker. “The brochure was full of lies,” Perrin said, “but it still hurt me with the state’s beer drinkers.”

The second problem with Perrin’s campaign was that he depended on his connections with the state, and he never did any active campaigning. On primary day someone pointed out to Perrin that even though he grew up in the state, he hasn’t lived there for 50 years. “Only 50 years and no one knows me?” Perrin asked. “How quickly they forget.”

Despite his surprising loss in New Hampshire and Iowa, Perrin vows to go on. “I need to rethink my campaign strategy,” Perrin concedes. One big thing that pushed Hillary Clinton ahead of Barack Obama may have been her near breakdown in Portsmouth, NH, when someone asked her how she kept up the pace. “It is hard,” she said, “It is hard.” Tears welled up in her eyes, and her voice broke. The genuine emotion of that moment brought many people to see her as a real human being rather than a coldly scripted automaton.

Perrin’s campaign manager, Aristotle Mongoose, is working on some kind of question that might move Perrin to tears in public. “Like if we told him he would have to give up his afternoon nap during the rest of the campaign, that would make him cry.”

Perrin is not going to bother with the campaign in Nevada. He is going straight to South Carolina. Perrin spent a year and a half in Fort Jackson, just outside of Columbia. He and his army buddies hit practically every bar in town at some time or other, and they always drank cheap beer. Not only was Perrin stationed in South Carolina, but somehow he was assigned to the "Dixie Division." "That should get me some votes from Southerners," Perrin said.

NEW HAMPSHIRE LOSERS

Until a week ago, Hillary Clinton was out in front of other Democrats. Then Barack Obama moved up ahead of her and won the Iowa caucuses. He seems poised to beat her again in the New Hampshire primary today. The strain of working so hard and still losing got to her yesterday when voter asked her how she keeps going at the pace she has been maintaining. “It’s not easy,” she said. “It’s not easy.” Then her voice caught as she went on, ‘‘I’ve had so many wonderful opportunities in this country. This is very personal for me. It’s not just political. It’s not just public.’’

Mitt Romney was the Republican front runner until Mike Huckabee beat him out in Iowa. John McCain seems about to trounce him in New Hampshire. Romney didn’t burst into tears. He reacted by stepping up the negative ads and by further contradicting himself.

Carl Perrin didn’t even show as a blip on the screen in Iowa. The national news has pretty much ignored him, but he was depending on his New Hampshire connections to make a big splash in the state’s primary election today. Then he was blindsided by a negative brochure that questioned his devotion to his signature campaign issue, cheap beer. We posted an article on that dirty political trick on yesterday’s blog. A grim-faced Perrin acknowledged that the negative brochure that came just one day before the primary election will hurt him at the polls.

Perrin managed a tight smile and said, “I’m not going to let this stop me. The people who know me know how much I love cheap beer.”

IS PERRIN A SECRET OENOPHILE?

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin charges political dirty tricks. On the eve of the New Hampshire primary, where Perrin hoped to triumph because of his long-time connections with the state, someone has been passing around flyers that question the former English professor’s devotion to cheap beer. “It’s a vast left/right wing conspiracy,” Perrin says. “They’ll do anything to stop me!”

The flyer has a picture of the candidate, all dressed up to go partying. In his hand he holds, not a beer stein, but a martini glass. “Is this the kind of man you want in the White House?” the flyer asks. “Perrin may talk about cheap beer, but if he gets elected, you can bet wine will be served at every White House function.” The paper goes on to suggest that a man who changes his mind about beer can change his mind about other things as well. “Don’t believe Perrin’s promises,” the flyer states. “He will change his mind about them as soon as he is elected.”

Perrin is stunned by this dirty trick that comes just before the primaries. He knows it is sure to hurt him. He concedes that he might not win the New Hampshire primary, but he still hopes to make a good showing. “My Sigma Tau Gamma fraternity brothers will spread the word that I liked cheap beer way back when I was in college.”

PERRIN IS SWIFTBOATED!

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has come under vicious attack by the wine industry. Not a single industry has contributed to Perrin’s campaign for the Democratic nomination, but one industry has pulled out all stops in an effort to sink the former professor’s campaign. The wine industry will stoop to any dirty trick deny the presidency to Perrin.

In an effort to turn wine drinkers against Perrin, last month’s issue of The Vinters’ Monthly stated, falsely we might add, that Perrin had referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs. Perrin replied that the statement is an outright lie, and The Vinters’ Monthly can expect to hear from his lawyers. First of all, Perrin explained, his wife is a wine drinker. If he actually referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs, he would be in the dog house. The wine industry’s lie seeks not only to turn wine drinkers against Perrin; it also seeks to alienate Francophiles. That is really ridiculous, Perrin says. “In case you haven’t noticed, Perrin is a French name.”

The wine industry is evidently motivated by the fear that when Perrin becomes president, people will turn away from wine, and we will become a nation of beer drinkers. To that fear, Perrin says they have nothing to worry about. “If people want to drink wine, that’s okay with me. I just happen to prefer cheap beer.”

GUILIANI AND THE RED SOX

Sunday night Rudy Guiliani questioned Hillary Clinton’s loyalty to the New York Yankees because she originally came from Illinois. Now Guiliani himself, campaigning in New England, suddenly becomes a Red Sox fan, stating that his enthusiasm for the Sox comes because he is an American League fan! Is there no limit to pandering for votes by those professional politicians?

If you’re looking for a candidate who has always been a Red Sox fan, look no further than Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin was born in Massachusetts, grew up in New Hampshire and lived for over a quarter of a century in Maine, all part of Red Sox territory. Even though he now lives in New Jersey, Perrin remains loyal to the Sox. In fact he never watches any other team play.

Perrin remains loyal and sticks to his guns in other areas of national life as well. When he is elected President, Perrin will do something to keep cheap beer available to the American public. You can depend on it.

UNDERDOG

A recent article on Yahoo News looked at the second tier candidates: Republicans like Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul, Democrats like Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, and Chris Dodd. The gist of the article is that any of these men could surprise us between now and February. Some of them are moving up through the pack. Ron Paul raised $5.1 million this summer. Biden or Dodd could split the anti-Hillary vote, weakening Brack Obama and John Edwards.

Some of the candidates could become running mates with the anointed one. Conservative Mike Huckabee could balance Guiliani’s moderate/liberal image. Richardson would attract a lot Hispanic votes.

The candidate who was entirely overlooked in this article is Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin, one of the most highly qualified candidates to come along in decades. (This is just another example of the vast right/left wing conspiracy to keep Perrin off the ballot.) Despite appearances, Perrin’s campaign treasury keeps growing, mostly through the collection of returnable cans and bottles in Maine. Perrin’s support in that state is so strong that he is sure to win there by a landslide.

The other candidates—of both parties—keep talking about taxes, health insurance, etc., etc., etc, but none of them has even mentioned the increased cost of beer, caused by farmers growing more corn for ethanol rather than hops for beer. When Perrin is elected President, he will make sure that farmers who grow hops will get price supports. A vote for Perrin is a vote for cheap beer!

TRIUMPHANT TOUR

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin returned to New Jersey after a grand tour of Maine. Everywhere he went, supporters greeted him with plastic bags full of returnable cans and bottles. They overwhelmed the bottle redemption centers throughout Cumberland County to cash in all those returnables.

All told, they raised over $200, more than enough to pay the candidate’s expenses for his tour. With the money left over he threw a beer party for his all-volunteer campaign staff. Those Mainers really appreciate cheap beer.