BOOK REVIEW

If you like to read about political idiots, Paul Slanksy’s Idiots, Hypocrites, Demagogues, and More Idiots, published by Bloombury, is the book for you. It skewers both Democrats and Republicans, although the latter, for some reason, have a lot more space devoted to their stupid comments.

Former vice president Dan Quayle is well represented among the first group:

Talking about child-care, he told one audience, “We understand the importance of having the bondage between the parent and the child.”

He told another group, “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

He referred to members of Bush’s team who had treated him with contempt during the campaign. Now they would have to deal with him. “I’m the vice president,’ he said. “They know it, and they know that I know it.”

Congresswoman Helen Chenoweth is among the hypocrites represented in the book. After strongly denouncing Bill Clinton for his dalliance with the Lewinsky bimbo, Chenoweth was found to have had an affair with a married man in the 1980s. Her indiscretion, however, occurred, she told reporters, “when I was a private citizen and a single woman.”

Loudmouth Rush Limbaugh frequently attacked drug addicts and called for their imprisonment. In 2003 he admitted that he was addicted to OxyContin.

Dick Cheney referred to water boarding as a “dunk in the water.”

Told to put out a cigar in a restaurant because of federal regulations, Congressman Tom Delay, “I am the federal government.”

I chuckled through most of the book, though sometimes I gasped in horror to realize that these were the people running the country. Some of Nixon’s comments revealed on tape were truly horrifying.

The book costs $14.95. It’s worth every penny. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for you liberal friends for Christmas presents.

SARAH IN 2012

Sarah Palin has already started her campaign for the presidency in 2012. She is going to spend the next four years visiting Africa and some other countries so she will know more about the outside world. Of course, as she will be the first to admit, she already knows a lot about Russia because she can see it from her kitchen window.

She has nothing but praise for John McCain, God bless him, for bringing her onto the national scene, and nothing but scorn for some of his aides. They tried to control everything she said or did and then leaked false stories to the press after McCain lost. “My rallies attracted more people than John’s did,” she said, “and his aides tried to blame it on me.”

“Barack Obama won the election,” she said, “but it won’t take too long for real Americans to get tired of a politician who pals around with terrorists. By 2012 the people will be ready for a candidate who really loves America. But I'm going to get some real pros to advise me, people like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.”

CHENEY: SARAH GOES TOO FAR

According to Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin has the stuff to be a great vice president. “She knows how to hit those Democrats where it hurts,” Cheney chuckled. I really like some of the things she has said like, ‘As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.’ We need people who think like that,” the VP added.

“She had some good things to say how much we’re doing for children in our neighboring country of Afghanistan. And she hit it right on the head about the Supreme Court when Katie Couric asked her to name a court decision other than Rode v. Wade: ‘Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings.’ -- “She really put Couric in her place.

“I think she went too far, though when she said Obama was palling with terrorists who target their own country. I don’t mind her throwing out wild charges like that, but you have to be careful or the liberal media will jump all over you, and that doesn’t help us at all.”

REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTS

You have to hand it to those Republican presidents. Since Reagan they really know how to pick a vice president. George H W Bush chose Dan Quayle as his running mate. What better insurance could he have against assassination? Who would be wacky enough to try to murder Bush if that left Quayle in charge of the country? The guy isn’t smart enough to run a lemonade stand, to say nothing of the country.

Then Bush junior went dad one better in choosing Dick Cheney as his vice president. Anyone who hated Bush the younger enough to contemplate assassination would have to consider what the country would be like with Cheney at the helm in name as well as in deed.

We might have thought that this weird kind of assassination insurance was just something that the Bushes practiced, but John McCain evidently thinks it’s a great idea too. He chose a running mate who combines Quayle’s cluelessness with Cheney’s ruthlessness. God help the country if she ever had to replace the 72-year-old John McCain.

VEEP SARAH

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters that Governor Sarah Palin has the instincts to make an excellent vice president. “Every time I had to get out of sight, I had to go to an undisclosed location, but Sarah hides in plain view. She gets up in front of huge crowds and wows them with snappy comments. She’s fine just as long as they keep the press away from her. Those nosey buggers from the media all want to dig into her background and ask embarrassing questions. No wonder John McCain wants to keep them away from her. They should have some respect for her privacy.”

Sarah Palin is a strong, independent woman, and we could all learn something from her. In her first 18 months on the job as governor of Alaska, she got a $60-a-day per diem allowance for the nights she spent at home rather than at the state’s capital. During that time she spent 300 nights at her house in Wasilla, earning some $18,000 just for staying home! Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has nothing but admiration for the Alaska governor. He would like to talk to her and find out more about that $60-a-day per diem. When he is elected, he plans to spend most of his time at home, and he wants to get $60 a day for sleeping in his own bed.

CHENEY? WHO’S HE?

Republican strategists are at a loss about how to deal with Dick Cheney at the GOP convention. Even though the vice president appeals to a small group of extreme right wingers, rank and file Republicans as well as Independents blame him for much of what has gone wrong in the Bush administration.

To ignore Cheney entirely might turn off right wing nuts who approve of the man’s secretive, extralegal, behind-the-scenes maneuvers. To acknowledge him, on the other hand, will remind everyday Republicans of who is to blame for the problems and challenges facing their party. If Cheney speaks at the convention, Independents will question John McCain’s independence.

Our inside sources tell us that party decision-makers decided that GOP conservatives are not going to vote for Obama—no matter what, so it will better to slight the conservatives in order to keep the moderates and the Independents.

A couple of days before the convention the vice president will be whisked away to one of his secret, undisclosed locations for the duration. No convention speaker will be allowed to refer to Cheney or even admit that the man is Vice President of the United States. If anyone asks about Cheney, they will deny that the man even exists.

CHENEY’S OFFICE INVOLVED IN ANOTHER COVER UP

Jason K. Burnett resigned from his position in the Environmental Protection Agency after representatives of the Vice President’s office started censoring EPA reports. Dr. Julie L. Gerberding of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention testified that global warming could have damaging consequences to human health. The guys from Cheney’s office cut out references to possible harm to health caused by global warming.

A spokesperson for the VP said, “They got it all wrong. We were just trying to cut some of the deadwood out of the report. Think of all the trees we saved by cutting a few thousand words out of the final draft. Not only that, but we figured, why get people all upset worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet anyway.”

Meanwhile, Oklahoma senator James M. Inhofe said, “This global warming crap is just a hoax that liberals are trying to foist off on the country so people will vote for Democrats.”

WILL PERRIN BE OFFERED THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL SPOT?

When Hillary Clinton finally dropped out of the presidential race, people started talking about her as the vice presidential candidate. Naturally, Dr. Carl Perrin’s supporters are wondering the same about him.

Sources close to Perrin, however, tell us that he is not enthusiastic about the 2nd spot on the ticket. The only thing about the VP job that appeals to him is the salary. Although it is less than half of the presidential salary that he once hoped to earn, $186,000 seems pretty good to a man who struggled on a teacher’s pay for almost 50 years.

Actually, Perrin says, he would prefer a job that isn’t in the limelight so much. The VP has to do all the dirty work and then take the blame when anything goes wrong. Look at all the criticism of Dick Cheney. Perrin wouldn’t want that kind of negativity directed toward him.

Dr. Perrin would rather have a cabinet post. The salary is only $149,000, and it doesn’t include free government housing, but it wouldn’t require as much work. So he asks the VP search committee to leave him out, but remember him when they start to fill cabinet posts. President Obama might even want to create a new post just for Dr. Perrin, something like the Secretary of Cheap Beer.

ANNIE OAKLEY

At a San Francisco fund raiser last week, Barack Obama said some working-class voters are bitter over their economic circumstances and "cling to guns and religion" as a result. Over the weekend Hillary Clinton called the remarks “elitist and divisive.” She went on to say she had learned to shoot a gun during summer vacations when she was a child. Not only that, but she shot a duck once when she was in Arkansas.

Obama has charged that she was talking like she was Annie Oakley. Now Vice President Dick Cheney wants to get into the act. He’s not about to let a Democrat outgun him. He has challenged Annie Clinton to a contest. They will go duck hunting and see who can shoot the most duck hunters. Oops! Make that ducks.

VETO MAKES WORLD SAFE FOR WATERBOARDING

President Bush vetoed a bill that would outlaw waterboarding by the CIA. “We want to use the technique on some of those Democratic trouble makers,” the president said, smiling to show that it was just a joke.

Meantime, the vice president’s old company is making soldiers sick—literally. KBR, a subsidiary of Halliburton, is supplying water to the troops. The Pentagon found that the water was "was not maintained in accordance with field water sanitary standards." Soldiers were breaking out with skin rashes and other ailments. The water was used for laundry and personal hygiene. Thank God the troops didn’t have to drink the stuff.

In other political news, two Vermont towns, Brattleboro and Marlboro, voted to do the job that Congress should have done. The two towns voted to impeach President Bush and Vice President Cheney for violating the Constitution. Voters realize that the town has no authority to arrest the president and vice president, but the vote gave them a chance to express their anger about the way that the administration involved the country in the war in Iraq .

ANN COULTER TO CAMPAIGN FOR HILLARY

Ann Coulter doesn’t think the John McCain is conservative enough. On Hannity & Colmes Friday night she said if the election is between John McCain and Hillary Clinton, she will not only vote for Hillary; she will campaign for her, saying that Clinton is more conservative than McCain. She is particularly incensed that McCain against torturing enemy captives, stating that she is in favor of torture.

She went on to say that Mrs. Clinton lies less than Mr. McCain, and she’s smarter than he is. “He is very, very bad for the country,” she added.

Will conservative stop at nothing? Maybe they will have George Bush or even Dick Cheney himself endorse the Democratic candidate.

CANDIDATES’ VIEW ON THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

According to Mitt Romney the economic crisis is proof that we need someone who has worked in the private sector to lead the country, not someone like George Bush, though, someone like Mitt Romney. He told a group of people in Boca Raton that, “Every time I’ve seen things really get scary and the markets really collapse, I put aside my fear and say—aha, this is a buying opportunity.” After the meeting he went out and tried to buy a few votes.

Rudy Giuliani told another Florida gathering that the huge market drop didn’t worry him. “After all,” he said, “I took charge of things after 9/11. When stuff happens, I know what to do.”

John Edwards said the market drop showed the disconnect between Washington, Wall Street, and real people.

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin said, “The economic problems show how important it is to make sure that the average person will be able to afford a six-pack of beer.”

In other news, Fred Thompson says goodbye. Mike Huckleberry’s senior staff are giving up their salaries for the month, and the former Arkansas governor is cutting back on campaigning in Florida because of a shortage of funds. That’s the second Republican candidate whose staff has told the boss not to pay them this month. Pretty soon it will be McCain vs. Romney for the Republican ticket. Dr. Carl Perrin did not have to ask his senior staff to forego their salaries this month because the entire staff is volunteer. He doesn’t pay them anything.

Meanwhile the Center for Public Integrity and the Fund for Independence in Journalism found that over a two-year period the Bush administration made 935 false statements about the national security threat for Iraq. We weren’t counting, but the number doesn’t surprise us. Bushie himself lied 259 times. Darth Vader, Condi, Rummy, Wolfie, and two press secretaries also made some whoppers. So did Colin Powell, but we think the rest of that truth-challenged outfit fed the lies to Powell.

APOLOGIES

It must be the Christmas season. Politicians are apologizing all over the place. Hillary Clinton apologized to Barack Obama after someone on her staff suggested that if Obama became the Democratic nominee, the Republicans would have a field day over drug use during his youth.

Then Mike Huckabee apologized to Mitt Romney over his suggestion that Mormons believed Jesus Christ and the devil to be brothers.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thought some apologies from him were in order. Although he has never made this charge in public, privately he has referred to George Bush as an idiot. Technically an idiot is a person with an I Q below 20. Perrin does not believe the Bush’s IQ is that low.

In private conversation Perrin has referred to Bush as a liar. The former English professor now says that some of the lies about WMD and other stuff that came out of GSB’s mouth may have been fed to him by Karl or Dick or some other henchmen. Perrin apologizes from calling W a liar.

Carl Perrin has also stated that Bush and Cheney should be impeached for misleading the nation in all kinds of things, leading us into a senseless war, and irreparably damaging the nation and its reputation around the world. Perrin is not apologizing for that. He still thinks that Bush and Cheney should be impeached.

WILL HILLARY BE A DRAG ON THE PARTY?

Democratic members of Congress running for reelection are worried that if Hillary Clinton is nominated for the presidency, they will lose votes. This is particularly true of Democrats running in heavily Republican districts. Nancy Boyda, a Democrat from Kansas, is one who could be affected. Sixty percent of the voters in her district went for George Bush in the 2004 election. Now Ms. Boyda faces a tough reelection battle. Some of her supporters are concerned that if Senator Clinton heads the Democratic ticket in 2008, people like Congresswoman Boyda will lose.

Politicians like Boyda are asserting their independence from leading Democrats in hopes of saving their Congressional seats. Democrats running for office are distancing themselves from Hillary Clinton, just as Republican politicians are staying as far away from Bush and Cheney as they can.

It is time to nominate who will not alienate independent voters, a man who has never even been in Washington, someone like Dr. Carl Perrin, a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

ANOTHER SLAM DUNK

President George Bush got another intelligence report stating that Iran had stopped working on nuclear weapons in 2003. The report supercedes the 2005 report that insisted that Iran was hell bent for leather to develop the nukes.

Mr. Bush affirmed that the report proved that he had been right all along. “Because of our efforts, we were able to avert World War III,” he said.

Meanwhile Vice President Dick Cheney has been out of sight for a while. There is some speculation that Cheney has been trying to draft former CIA Director George Tenet as a contract intelligence officer. According to our sources Cheney wants Tenet to prove that Iran is on the verge of developing nuclear weapons and aiming them at Washington.

CHENEY ENDORSES A DEMOCRAT

Dick Cheney has endorsed Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin for the presidency. The vice president conceded that he doesn’t agree with Perrin on every issue, but he went on to say, “Perrin is a good man. He has a good head on his shoulders. I know that while he is in office, he will do what is right for the country.”

When Perrin heard of the conservative Republican’s endorsement, he was outraged. He commented, “Cheney says he doesn’t agree with me on every issue. It would be more accurate to say that we don’t agree on ANY issue. Does he want people to think that I believe we should drop a bomb on Iran? Or maybe that water boarding is an OK thing to do? Maybe he thinks I believe we should get rid of entitlement programs like Social Security and Medicare.

Cheney is insane, Perrin insisted. “An endorsement from Darth Vadar is a kiss of death. He knows damn well that we don’t agree on anything. He is trying to embarrass me in this endorsement. He knows that his unpopularity will rub off on me if he says I am OK. I am convinced it is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.”

Political insiders believe that the Cheney endorsement was done deliberately to make liberals question Perrin’s position on crucial issues. “It’s a political dirty trick,” said Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose. “The Republicans have targeted Perrin because, even though he is behind in the polls and in fund raising now, they know he will be moving up soon, and they know he will be the hardest to beat in the general election.”

WHERE DOES HE GET THEM?

Rudy Guiliani already is getting advice from “Let’s bomb Iran” Norman Podheretz. Now he has an endorsement from “Let’s assassinate Hugo Chavez” Pat Robertson. Guiliani may be grateful to have the endorsement of Evangelical Christian Pat Robertson because conservatives have reservations about the thrice-married New Yorker, who was in favor of abortion and gay rights until he began running for president, but we wonder how many rational people will be swayed by the Robertson endorsement.

According to Robertson, he was able to pray several hurricanes away from his Virginia Beach, Virginia, headquarters. He also agreed with Jerry Falwell when the latter stated that 9/11 was caused by “pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the ACLU, and People for the American Way.” Robertson stated at one point that it might be a good idea to assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Then he charged that the people of Dover, Pennsylvania, had rejected God by voting out of office the school board that supported the teaching of intelligent design in public schools.

Robertson has some background in politics; he ran for the presidency himself in 1988. Perhaps Rudy could choose Robertson as a running mate. Maybe Pat could use his powers to do something about Ahmadinejad. We didn’t think there could be anyone in political life much weirder than Dick Cheney, but clearly we were wrong.

THE GUILIANI ADMINISTRATION

Rudy Guiliani really knows how to pick them. Still, you’ve got to hand it to him. He likes to give a guy a chance. Even though his friend Berny Kerik was suspected of having mob connections, Rudy didn’t let that stand in the way of appointing Berny New York City police commissioner. Now one of his advisers is “Let’s bomb Iran” Norman Podheretz.

If Rudy is elected president, maybe he could find a job in his administration for Al Gonzalez, something that doesn’t require congressional confirmation. Come to think of it, Dick Cheney will be out of work then. Maybe Rudy could find something for him to do.

WHY DOESN’T BUSH WANT GENERAL PETRAEUS TO TESTIFY IN PUBLIC BEFORE CONGRESS?

We have our own sources in the White House who gave us the inside story on this issue. We cannot reveal his identity because he is not authorized to speak to the press, especially the alternative press, especially this blog.

In his own words:

“The reason we can’t let Congress loose on General Petraeus is that they’re a bunch of nosey parkers. They’re always trying to find out stuff that is none of their beeswax. It’s hard enough to run the country without a bunch of liberals criticizing everything the president does.

“It goes back to the vice president's advisory committee on energy policy. Before we knew it, Congress was nosing around, trying to find out who was on the committee. What a nerve! They were digging around trying to get all that personal information.

“The next thing you know, they’re trying to find out who was behind firing all those closet-Democrat federal attorneys. I mean they've subpoenaed everyone from Karl Rove and Harriet Meiers to the White House cook. They’ll stop at nothing!

“So there’s no way we’re going to let those vultures at General Petraeus. They’ll be trying to weasel out all kinds of information we don’t want them to know. Instead we’ll let them talk to the secretaries of defense and state. They know how to handle those liberals. Also for the written report, we’re going to get the information from the general and write it ourselves. That way we can put the right slant on it, just the way we do with scientific reports.”

SPOKESMAN DENIES RUMOR

DOCTORS CAN’T FIND CHENEY’S HEART

On Saturday, July 28, Vice President Dick Cheney entered the hospital for the simple procedure of having the batteries in his heart monitor replaced. The battery is in a defibrillator, a device that sends a shock when it senses an irregular heartbeat, thus restoring a regular rhythm.

A few hours after he entered the hospital, the vice president left. Doctors said the procedure had been successful, and Mr. Cheney would be able to resume ordinary activities right away.

Seymor Spackle, spokesman for the vice president denied the rumor that the doctors had not been able to find Cheney’s heart. “This is absolutely outrageous. The man goes to the hospital for a serious procedure, and they start attacking him before he is even out of the anesthesia. The Democrats will stop at nothing,” Spackle said. “They’ve delivered some pretty low blows, but this is the worst. Instead of being glad that the vice president is in good health, they try to say that he has no heart.”