Saturday, December 15, 2012


What has happened to loyalty? Sales of some brands of once popular beer have declined drastically over recent years. Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, a big fan of cheap beer, has seen some of his favorite brands dropping out of sight. One of his favorites, Old Milwaukee, has see a 53 percent drop in sales from 2006-2011.

Another favorite, Milwaukee’s Best, has declined even further, by 57 percent. Milwaukee’s Best, is “brewed for a man’s taste and is highly drinkable and highly affordable.”

Part of the decline is caused by a switch to light beer, but sales of Milwaukee’s Best Light, another of Perrin’s favorites, have fallen by 36 percent from 2006-2011.

In 2008 Perrin ran for the presidency of the U.S. on a platform of cheap beer. He stayed out of the 2012 election, but you can bet your boots he will be running in 2016. Someone has to stand up for cheap beer

Friday, November 23, 2012

SURE-FIRE PLOT After selling dozens of copies of his popular self-published novel, Elmhurst Community Theatre Carl Perrin decided to follow up that success with another book, a tale of sex and intrigue in the nation’s capitol. He worked out a plot outline so he could promote the book with literary agents before he began the actual writing.

In the book a retired general is the head of a federal agency, the FBI, the CIA or something. The married general has a fling with a married woman, who is twenty years younger than he. There is a second woman, also married, who seems to have her eye on the guy. Woman #1 sends her rival an anonymous email warning her to keep her hands off her general.

Woman #2 is friendly with an FBI agent, who once sent her a topless picture of himself, just as a joke. (Yeah, sure.) Anyway the agent checks #2’s computer and identifies #1 and the general. (Are you still with me?) But the agent also finds that #2 has been exchanging flirty emails with another general, who is also married. She likes to collect generals or something.

General #1 resigns his position. General #2 was in line for a promotion, but that is put on hold until the thing gets straightened out.

Perrin thought that with a plot like this, the book would be sure to become a best seller. He submitted his outline to dozens of literary agents. They all turned him down. Every one of them felt that the plot was too outlandish. “The plot has to be credible to catch the reader’s interest,” one of them wrote. “No one would believe that stuff like this could go on at the highest level of the U. S. government.”

Sunday, November 18, 2012


The Republicans were so confident that they would win the election that the candidate bought $25,000 worth of fireworks to celebrate his victory. When the victory went to the other side, Republicans went into a panic mode. Karl Rove had a meltdown on television, insisting that Fox News had given up too soon. When it became absolutely clear that Barack Obama had been reelected, members of the GOP began pointing fingers at each—as well they should.

First of all, the Republicans fielded a bunch candidates who were hardly qualified to be dog catcher, to say nothing of President of the United States. Remember 999 and the buffoon who kept going back to the idiotic idea that Barack Obama had not been born in the United States? Or the woman who thought that global warming was a hoax and who thought that the president was anti-American and who contributed to the “death panel” lies? Or the holier-than-thou candidate who was not only against abortion but also against contraception? Mitt Romney, with all his limitations, was the best of a bad lot.

Then there were candidates for the senate, including the man who stated that legitimate rape (as opposed to illegitimate rape?) could not result in pregnancy and the candidate who thought that even in the case of rape, there should not be abortion because it was all part of God’s plan. (God planned the rape?)

There was the candidate himself, who refused to open his income tax for more than the two years required by law. Did he have something to hide? His plans for eliminating the nation’s deficit did not add up, and he refused to give any details about what income tax deduction he would eliminate. (Trust me, I’m a businessman.)

His finesse in international relations was remarkable. He went to England during the Olympics and insulted his hosts. He went to Israel and put down the President of the United States.

He insulted the people he wanted to vote for him. According to him 47 percent of the American people are mooching off the government. Hispanics, the largest growing segment of the population, should just self-deport themselves back to Mexico. What a way to win friends and influence people to vote for him!

The real surprise is not that the Republicans lost in that election. The real surprise is that anyone except fellow millionaires would vote for Romney. I wonder what you can do with $25,000 worth of fireworks. Maybe he can sell them on eBay.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


If Romney and Ryan are elected, the VP candidate explained over the weekend, they would cut all income tax rates by 20 percent. Wow! They would do that by closing tax loopholes. Great! Which loopholes were they planning to cut?

“It would take me too long to go through all of the math,” Ryan explained. Anyway, 47 percent of the public wouldn’t understand it, so there was no point in trying to explain it to those people. You just have to take Ryan’s word for it. You can trust him, can’t you? He has an honest face. Perhaps you would like to buy a few shares of the Brooklyn Bridge from him.

Mr. Ryan is simultaneously running for the Vice Presidency and for Congressman from Wisconsin. If by chance he is not elected to either office, he can always get a job selling used cars. I would explain how that works, but it would be too complicated to go through it all.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


It is pretty much settled that Mitt Romney is going to be the Republican presidential nominee. But who will his running mate be? Various Republican governors, senators, and members of Congress have been suggested. When the question is put to any of these potential vice presidential candidates, they all give some variation of, “No, I’m not really looking for that job, but if Governor Romney were to ask me, I would have to give it serious consideration.” All of them are just playing hard to get.

It occurred to us to wonder, what if Romney chose someone out of left field. That’s what Senator McCain did in the last election. He chose the little-known and highly improbable running mate, the Governor of Alaska. What if Mitt asked Carl Perrin to be his running mate? When we put the question to Perrin, he evaded it, saying, “Romney wouldn’t choose me. I’m not even a Republican.”

“But what if,” we insisted. “After all, you were born in Massachusetts. You have that connection with Governor Romney.”

“That’s about the only thing we have in common. Why would Romney even want me on the ticket?”

“You could attract the geezer vote.”

“The geezer vote? Hmm. What is the salary for vice president?”

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Thousand Dollar Shirt

Mitt Romney, who considers the $360,000 he made in speaking fees to be pocket change, has trouble relating to everyday people. The latest example of the difference between the Romneys and Joe Six Pack comes from Ann Romney. Mrs. Romney, who wears a Michael Kors wristwatch and has “a couple of Cadillacs,” was seen wearing a "Reed Audubon Silk Shirt.” The blouse sells for $990. Someone from the Romney campaign said that Ann Romney does not have a stylist and probably bought the shirt on her own.

Which bring us to Dr. Carl Perrin, who ran for the Democratic nomination in 2008. When he failed to secure the nomination, he ran as an Independent on a cheap beer platform. He considered entering the race for the 2012 election, but he did so poorly in 2008, that he decided to sit this election out. He will probably run in the 2016 election. Ann Romney may or may not have a stylist, but Perrin definitely does not. Maybe that is why he did so poorly in the 2008 voting.

You can make a difference in the country’s direction. Let us know if you think Perrin should hire a stylist for his next political campaign. Maybe you could offer some style tips to former English professor. If you look carefully, you will see that he is bald. Should he wear a wig, or would a wig just make him look ridiculous?

This is your chance to shape the nation’s future.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


Presidential candidate Newt Gingrich (Is he still running?) was in St. Louis to speak to the National Rifle Association. Before his speech he went to the St. Louis Zoo where he was attacked by a penguin. The penguin pecked at Newt’s hand, after which the candidate required medical attention (a Band-Aid).
Former Independent presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin once lived in St. Louis. At that time he visited the zoo occasionally. Never was Perrin attacked by a penguin or any other creature at the zoo.

What is the difference? Did the St. Louis penguins just recognize Perrin as a good guy and take a liking to him while they knew that Gingrich was up to no good? Maybe the zoo keeper was a Democrat and trained the penguin to attack Republicans. Possibly the attack was not on Gingrich personally but on the fact that he was going to speak to the NRA.

A Gingrich spokesman says that the penguin attack will not deter the candidate from visiting zoos. "Newt is a zoo fan. He will be back," spokesman R. C. Hammond said. He may be back, but you can bet your ass, he’ll be careful around the penguins.

Thursday, April 12, 2012


Good old Newt Gingrich. He was going to do all he could to help small businesses. He promised to help owners of small businesses reduce their tax burden. Even though the former speaker has dropped out of the presidential race, he is still doing his bit for tax reduction.

As his campaign ground to a halt, his flow of money dried up. Political campaigns cost a lot of money. All those signs and posters, the travel, hotels, pizzas: they add up. And the campaign doesn’t have enough money to pay all of them. Some venders who supplied material for the campaign have been waiting weeks or even months for their money. Those who tried to collect have been given the runaround by campaign officials.

A former staffer who declined to be identified explained that the situation will be to the vendors’ advantage when they come to pay their income taxes. The money they could not collect can be listed as a bad debt on their taxes. The bad debt will be deducted from income, thus lowering their taxable income. It’s a win-win for everyone, the former staffer insisted.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


British columnist Samantha Brick wrote about the perils of being beautiful. She writes, "I'm tall, slim, blonde and, so I'm often told, a good-looking woman. I know how lucky I am. But there are downsides to being pretty, the main one being that other women hate me for no other reason than my lovely looks."

Some people have started making fun of Ms Brick for her perceived vanity. Lakewood, NJ, resident Carl Perrin, however, was never one to make fun of other people. He feels her pain. He knows just how she feels.

When he was in his forties, one woman he knew used to call him a “beautiful man.” She was not the only woman who used the word “beautiful” to describe him. Perrin has had a long and successful career as a teacher, a writer, and other stuff. How much of his success, he sometimes wonders, is due to his good looks rather than his many talents.

Even now, in his eighties, people want him to serve on committees, commissions, boards, etc., even though he’s so deaf he can’t hear what the hell is going on. In his heart of hearts he knows they just want him because he’s a pretty face.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

from Elmurst Community Theatre

I started to walk past a door that was slightly ajar. As I got to the door, a hand reached out and pulled me inside. I was so surprised that I almost spilled the drink.

It was Leila. She closed the door, fastened her mouth on mine, and reached for my crotch. In no time at all, she had unfastened my belt, unzipped my fly, and pushed my pants down to my thighs.

We were in the den. We moved toward a couch and fell down on it. I reached under her skirt, pulled her panties off, and threw them on the floor. “Praise the Lord!” she said when I plunged into her. We were not in a comfortable position. We both had one leg on the couch and one on the floor, but we didn’t let a little thing like discomfort stop us. We went at it like two beasts in heat—
--until we heard someone shouting outside.

It was a male voice shouting, “You son of a bitch! You’ve been fooling around with my wife! I know what’s been going on.”

“Oh dear Lord,” Leila said. “It’s Chester! It’s my

The voice from outside yelled, “Let me tell you, you’re going to regret the day you decided to try something with my wife!”

Then we heard a chorus of voices yelling, “No! Don’t do that! No, Chester! Chester, don’t!”

The next thing we heard was a gunshot, followed by voices saying, “Oh! Oh my god! Oh, no!” Then there was another gunshot.

I ran out the back door into the woods, pulling my pants up as I ran.

Click here to read more of Elmhurst Community Theatre

Monday, February 27, 2012


Rick Santorum believes that ignorance is bliss. Anyone who wants young people to go to college must be a snob. Once students get into college, all those liberal professors teach them to think for themselves. That isn’t a good thing.

When he was in Congress, he consistently voted for earmarks, goodies for his home state, even though they added to the federal deficit. “You have to take one for the team,” he said, explaining why he voted for No Child Left Behind, even though he didn’t believe in it.

The former Pennsylvania senator thinks it was a mistake for the federal government to bail out the American automobile industry. In his mind, it would have been better to just let Chrysler and General Motors go belly up. I’m not sure why he feels that would have been good for the economy, but I’m sure he has his reasons.

He doesn’t believe there should be an absolute separation of church and state. In his mind, evidently it would be okay to have the Catholic Church, for example, not only banning all abortions but also outlawing contraceptives for everyone.

Why wouldn’t any true blue American want to vote for a man who thinks like that?

Don’t think that I’m totally against Rick Santorum. I like his sweater vests.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Rick Santorum doesn’t want American kids to go to college. He believes that America has lost its higher education. "Higher education was the first to go, a long time ago," he said. While speaking at the First Baptist Church in Naples, Florida last month, Santorum claimed that the Left uses universities to "indoctrinate" young people for the end purpose of maintaining power. "It's no wonder President Obama wants every kid to go to college," he added.

Once these good American kids go to college, the candidate explained, left-wing professors teach them to think for themselves, and that is bad for the country. When these young people start thinking for themselves, they no longer swallow the BS that politicians try to feed them. They no long trust good old American institutions like Wall Street. They develop these crazy ideas about equal rights and having the rich pay their fair share of the taxes.

What would the country be like if everyone thought things through instead of taking the truth that people like Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh preach to them? It would be a mess, that’s what. We need more ignorant people so we can keep things the way they are.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


The opening night went from one disaster to another, building to a climax at the beginning of act three. Francine’s voice had been getting smaller with each scene. By the third act even the people standing next to her on stage couldn’t hear her. She gave her line: I surrendered my innocence to that beast Black Bart.

Standing in the wings, I could see her lips move, but I wasn’t sure if any sound was coming out.

Mabel looked at her and said, “Francine, you’ll have to speak up. We can’t hear you.”

Francine looked startled, like someone who had been suddenly awakened from a deep sleep. Her eyes darted around the stage and then swept out to the audience. She stood motionless for a minute or so, but it seemed like an hour. Thelma was prompting Mabel with her line: That beast must be made to pay for this!

No one on stage was saying anything. Francine looked wildly around one more time and then ran off stage—into my waiting arms.

“Francine,” I said, “it’s okay. You’re doing fine.” I was both trying to calm her down and prevent her from fleeing out of the theatre. I don’t know what made me think it would still be possible to save this awful production. I just acted automatically.

“You’ve got to go back on, Francine,” I said. “That’s the only way we can save the play.”

“Oh, but I can’t. I’m too embarrassed.”

“You have to. You owe it to the rest of the cast who have worked so hard.”

“I can’t!”

I was half pulling and half coaxing Francine toward the door in the back wall. I got her into the doorway and said, “You can do it, Francine,” as I pushed her onto the stage.

In trying to resist, she caught her shoulder on the doorway, and the set started to teeter. I heard someone in the audience yell, “Look out!” And then the set collapsed on stage.

“Close the curtain!” I yelled. “Close the curtain!”

For a moment we were there in the silence of the shambles of our production. Then I heard a few hands clapping. What the hell were they doing, I wondered, applauding because the play was over? The applause grew stronger and rose to a crescendo.

“Open the curtain for a curtain call!” I yelled. The audience was on its feet giving us a standing ovation.

In the morning Polly invited me over for breakfast and the play reviews. I wasn’t particularly interested in reading about my humiliation. “They’re not bad at all,” she said. “Buddy got the papers from Manchester and Nashua.”

“Here’s the Union Leader,” Buddy said, handing me the Manchester paper opened to the review.


Elmhurst Community Theatre’s summer production, Flossie Finds Romance, opened Friday night. Elmhurst is fortunate to have the talents of a man like Curtis Booth to bring out the deep Freudian message of the play.

As the show opens, we see two sisters, Flossie and Belle, played by Mabel Brown and Francine O’Reilly, working as pickle slicers in a pickle factory once owned by their father. The father has been unjustly charged with embezzlement and put in jail. The factory is now owned by the evil Black Bart. Curtis Booth plays both roles with the same brilliance he has shown in his long Hollywood career.

The Freudian significance of the play is obvious with the phallic symbol of the pickles along with the castration fantasy of slicing the pickles. The younger sister Belle is suffering from an unresolved Electra complex. She fantasizes about kinky sex with Black Bart, an older man who represents a father figure. Flossie as well as Montague Badnick, played by Nick Reynard, and Rupert Trueheart, played by Walter LeDoux, helps Belle overcome the father fixation and transfer her longings to a more age-appropriate suitor.

The play evokes the three Freudian elements of the personality with Flossie representing the ego, Black Bart representing the id, and Rupert Trueheart representing the superego. At the end of the show, everything collapses around the players as they symbolically return to the womb. The play is riveting from the beginning to the thrill-packed end.

“It must take a really sick mind to write this kind of crap,” I said.

“That’s not so bad,” Polly said, refilling my coffee. “More toast?”

“No thanks.” I really didn’t have much appetite.

“Here’s the Nashua paper,” Buddy said, handing it over opened to the review.


Multi-talented Curtis Booth, known for his roles in dozens of top films, has lent his great gifts to the Elmhurst Community Theatre’s production of Flossie Finds Romance. The play is a gripping tale of the class struggle that occurs when management exploits labor.

Management, represented by Black Bart, played by Booth himself, and abetted by Montague Badnick, played by Nick Reynolds, keeps raising production quotas. The evil pair delights in creating harsh working conditions, such as making the workers in the pickle factory peel onions until their eyes are full of tears.

Not content with the exploitation of wage slavery, Black Bart also tries to seduce Flossie and Belle, played by Mabel Brown and Francine O’Reilly. Rupert Trueheart, played by Walter LeDoux, is a working class hero, who saves the girls from Black Bart’s evil clutches.

The turning point in the play comes when Montague Badnick recognizes the evil of capitalistic exploitation and switches sides. Good triumphs over evil and freedom over wage slavery as the workers prepare to go out on strike.

An especially adept directorial touch comes at the end of the play where the walls collapse around the actors on stage, symbolizing the collapse of capitalism and the triumph of the working class. As the walls fall down, Rupert Trueheart, the working class hero, shouts, “Workers of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!”

Sometimes I think I’m the only sane person left in the world.

Click here to find more about Elmhurst Community Theatre

Sunday, January 15, 2012


Curtis Booth an out-of-work actor is roped into directing an amateur play. He desperately needs the stipend they are paying him. The play is terrible, and the cast is worse. Rehearsals are one disaster after another.

When Booth is not struggling with the play, he is trying to keep away from female admirer whose jealous husband packs a pistol.

At opening night the set collapses onto the actors on stage.

After that, it gets worse.

You can get Elmhurst Community Theatre as an eBook for kindle or a nook reader. You can get a paperback copy from Lulu. You can also read it online as a pdf. Go to to learn more about Elmhurst Community Theatre.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Sweater Vests

Rick Santorum came from behind to tie for first place in the Iowa caucuses. Did you ever notice how often he wears a sweater vest?

Just saying.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


Donald Trump is threatening to endorse one of the Republican candidates for the presidency. Trump’s endorsement, of course, would be a kiss of death, like an endorsement from Dick Cheney. Anyone endorsed by Trump would soon lose any rational supporters. If Trump thinks he is okay, there must be something with him.

Former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was considering going back into the race, but Trump’s threat changed his mind. It would be just like the Donald to endorse Perrin so that potential supporters would back away.

Perrin has something else to look forward to, though. Alec Baldwin showed once again what a jerk he is when he got booted off a plane in LA after he refused to turn off his cell phone. Baldwin had done some television ads for Wegman’s Food Markets. After customers complained, the company pulled the Baldwin ads. (He had been hired after stating that his mother was a loyal Wegmans customer.)

Perrin figured that Wegmans must be looking for a actor to do some ads. Perrin has been on stage in lots of amateur plays, and he is the author of Elmhurst Community Theatre ( Perrin’s mother never shopped at Wegman’s, as far as he knows, but she did loyally shop at Publix Supermarket in Fort Lauderdale. Maybe they could use some ads by a celebrity like Perrin.