Wednesday, July 30, 2008


While Obama drew a huge crowd in Berlin, Germany, McCain attracted a handful of people in Berlin, New Hampshire. At the same time Family Values candidate Carl Perrin drank some German beer and felt he had participated.

Obama made a hit with French president Nicolas Sarkozy, Perrin went to West Paris, Maine, and no one even knew he was there. McCain, remembering Freedom Fries, was not sure whether it was politically useful to do anything French, went to a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio.

McCain turned negative and charged unfairly that Obama would rather go to a gym than go to a hospital and visit wounded GIs. Perrin asserted that he talks to veterans every day. His retirement village is full of veterans of World War II, Korea, and Vietnam. He admits, though, that he would rather go to a bar than a hospital.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


From the very beginning the press has shown favoritism to Senator Barack Obama. And it gets more pronounced every day. He goes to Iraq to build up his foreign policy credentials, and we see pictures of him in a helicopter with General Petraeus getting a tour of the area.

At the same time we get pictures of Senator John McCain in a golf cart with Daddy Bush in Kennebunkport, Maine. The Republican candidate has already been to Iraq umpteen times. We recall pictures of him in a flak jacket surrounded by a battalion of troops as he walked through a “safe” street in Baghdad.

The press doesn’t even cover the campaign of conservative Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. Had they been on the ball, they could have caught a picture of Perrin pedaling around his retirement village and his three-wheeler, saving gasoline and getting his exercise at once. The press has pretty much ignored Perrin, despite voters’interest in his cheap beer platform.

Both McCain and Perrin have moved to the right during this campaign. McCain took more conservative positions in order to appeal to the Republican base. Perrin, once a candidate for the Democratic nomination is now running in the Family Values party. The liberal bias of the press is well known, but maybe something more is at stake here. McCain and Perrin are both geezers. The main stream media seems more interested in following that young guy. People seem to forget: geezers vote, and they won’t forget that two prominent senior citizens have been ignored.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008


Critics of conservative Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin are questioning his qualification to be president. He doesn’t have any experience in foreign relations. He’s never even been out of the United States, they charge. He calls himself a Korean War veteran, but he was never in Korea at all.

Perrin spokesman Aristotle Mongoose says that these charges are unfounded. “Dr. Perrin,” he says, “has traveled to Canada several times. He even speaks French a little. The army didn’t send him to Korea, but they did send him to South Carolina and assigned him, a New England Yankee, to the Dixie Division. He managed to get along with them good ole boys from the South and even learned to drink that white lightning.

“Furthermore,” Mongoose points out, “Although Perrin never visited any foreign countries except Canada and South Carolina, lots of foreign students came to him. In his teaching career he has had students from all over the world.”

Unfortunately, mention of alcoholic beverages opens Perrin to another charge. He tries to present himself as a champion of cheap beer, they say, but we have pictures of him holding a martini glass, and we understand he is brewing home-made wine.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


As we move toward the general election, the candidates are flip-flopping all over the place. A lot of people saw John McCain as a moderate who stayed away from some of the GOP’s most extreme positions. Now, in order to woo the party’s base, he has been moving toward the right. He opposed the Bush tax cuts when they came up. Now he says he wants to make them permanent. He once referred to the Evangelicals as “agents of intolerance.” Now he seeks their blessings.

Barack Obama has been called the most liberal member of the Senate. Now he seems to be moving toward the center. He vowed to concentrate on bringing the troops home from Iraq. Now he is “refining” his position on troop withdrawal. He voted to let the telecoms off the hook on issue of cooperating with the Bush administration’s spying on citizens.

To some people, the shifts of McCain and Obama are nothing compared to candidate Carl Perrin’s flip-flop. He tried to win the Democratic nomination. When he didn’t succeed, instead of throwing his considerable influence behind Senator Obama, Perrin entered the race as a conservative Family Values candidate. The man who ran as a liberal is now trying to get conservatives to vote for him.

Perrin insists, however, that he has not changed positions at all. He always thought that corn ethanol was a bad idea. He was always in favor of cheap beer, and he still is.

Saturday, July 12, 2008


Senator McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know much about economics, so he enlisted the aid of a man who has a Ph. D. in the subject. Former senator Phil Gramm, now a vice chairman of UBS, promptly said that Americans have “become a nation of whiners.” That comment really helped McCain, who had to disavow the former senator’s unpolitical comment.

Barack Obama picked up some of the same sort of support from fellow Democrat, the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson complained that Obama was “talking down” to black men when he said they should take responsibility for their children. That made the reverend so angry that he wanted to “cut Obama’s nuts off”! That doesn’t sound like a very Christian sentiment to us.

Family Values candidate Carl Perrin also has “friends” who are not being very helpful. Campaign volunteer Hercule Mendez evidently forgot that Perrin was running now as a conservative when he said, “Perrin has always been a liberal.” Perrin responded that he was liberal only in his devotion to family values.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Jason K. Burnett resigned from his position in the Environmental Protection Agency after representatives of the Vice President’s office started censoring EPA reports. Dr. Julie L. Gerberding of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention testified that global warming could have damaging consequences to human health. The guys from Cheney’s office cut out references to possible harm to health caused by global warming.

A spokesperson for the VP said, “They got it all wrong. We were just trying to cut some of the deadwood out of the report. Think of all the trees we saved by cutting a few thousand words out of the final draft. Not only that, but we figured, why get people all upset worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet anyway.”

Meanwhile, Oklahoma senator James M. Inhofe said, “This global warming crap is just a hoax that liberals are trying to foist off on the country so people will vote for Democrats.”

Thursday, July 3, 2008


When General Clark said that John McCain’s military service did not qualify him to be president, people were outraged. Now the same charges are being leveled at conservative Family Values candidate Carl Perrin.

We spoke to retired Master Sergeant “Stud” Adams, who said, “Yeah, I remember Perrin, that little pissant. He was one of them Yankees that was assigned to the Dixie Division during the Korean War. He was in my platoon, but before too long he got hisself assigned to the orderly room so he could sit on his ass all day while the rest of us were out training in the hot sun. Then he got hisself transferred to the personnel office and even made sergeant. He had a soft job, just sitting at a desk all day. When we would go home to Alabama, we would bring back some of the good ole white lightning. Perrin could make a good dent on that, but otherwise I can’t think of anything in his military service that would prepare him to president of the US of A.”

“Sergeant Adams,” Perrin grunted dismissively. ‘What the hell does he know about anything? I may have had an office job, but when the company took the physical fitness test after the end of training, ole ‘Stud’ didn’t pass, but I did. Not only that, but I earned an Expert Rifleman’s badge. I didn’t serve in a combat zone, but I did learn a few things in the army, and they will serve me well when I am president.”

We aren’t surprised that politicians are playing dirty games to try to knock Perrin out of the race. He is the only Independent candidate who has a chance of winning against the two major party candidates.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


Dr. Carl Perrin’s supporters are in deep shock. Just a little over a month ago he was still a candidate for the Democratic nomination. Now he is running as a conservative family values candidate. “How could he do that?” people are asking. “And how can he pretend to be a conservative?”

Perrin shrugs off such questions. “There has been no change in my position,” he insists. “My first consideration has always been to do what is in my own best interest. I gave the Democrats a chance to nominate me, and they went ahead and voted for that Obama guy.”

Perrin insists that his marriage record shows his family values. “Obama is still married to his first wife. McCain has been married only twice. I’ve been married three times. You learn a lot from being in three marriages. The insight I have picked up that way will help me when I become president.

“As the Family Values candidate, I will continue to push for government support for barley. This corn ethanol thing has done more harm than good. We need to keep the price of beer affordable for working men and women.”