Saturday, June 30, 2007


Paris Hilton told Larry King that her 23 days in jail was a blessing in disguise. Her experience made her stronger. She said she went in with the motto, “Don’t serve the time; let the time serve you.” We’re not sure what that means, but it sounds pretty profound. And some people used to think she was an airhead!

She read the Bible every day in jail, but couldn’t remember what her favorite passage was. Nevertheless, the experience changed her for the better, she said. “The whole thing has made me stronger and more mature.”

People who have been following this important story will remember that the sheriff released her after a few days because of an undisclosed medical condition. But then the mean old judge made her go back prison despite her medical condition. She told Larry King that the medical condition is claustrophobia. We wonder if the judge gave any thought to that when he ordered the poor girl back to jail.

It was tough at first, Ms. Hilton admitted, but overall it was a great experience, and she was glad she had the chance to spend some time in jail. “I just wish every young woman had the same opportunity,” she said. She is thinking about setting up a foundation that would send other rich young women to jail for a few weeks. “They’ll come out of it stranger and more mature, like me.”

Friday, June 29, 2007



Every time Ann Coulter says something nasty about John Edwards, he uses her statement to raise more money for his presidential campaign. When she referred to him as a faggot, the comment helped Edwards raise $300,000. Already emails to Edwards’ supporters are including a clip of the exchange between Coulter and Elizabeth Edwards on “Hardball.” The debate, if you want to call it that, has raised more money for the Edwards campaign than any previous appeal.

We just wonder. Doesn’t Ann Coulter know how much her comments contribute to John Edwards’ campaign fund? Is she doing on purpose? Does she want to help Edwards? Is there some kind of a quid pro quo—Coulter helps Edwards raise funds; he helps her sell books? Is she a—gasp—closet Democrat?

Whatever her motivation, Democratic candidate Carl Perrin wishes that Coulter would say something nasty about him. She can even call him a faggot if she wants to. He could use the money for his campaign.

Thursday, June 28, 2007



Ann Coulter has often come to the defense of Christianity. Once she said of the Moslem nations, "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity." Despite this posture, even some of her supporters admit that the woman herself is somewhat lacking in Christian charity. Even they admit that perhaps Coulter was just a little over the line when she said that the 9/11 widows were enjoying their husbands’ deaths and when she referred to John Edwards as a faggot.

Edwards’ wife Elizabeth thought that Coulter went way too far when she said that she wished Edwards had been killed by terrorists. She called “Hardball with Chris Matthews” where Coulter was a guest and asked her to stop the personal attacks. At first Coulter thought that Edwards was asking her to stop talking altogether because she couldn’t talk without saying something hateful about someone.

Later she experienced an epiphany, like Saul on the road to Damascus where he heard the voice of Jesus. Like Saul, Coulter saw the light. She began weeping on the show and shouting, “I am a sinner!” She vowed that from that moment if she couldn’t say something nice about someone, she wouldn’t say anything at all.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007


Stoney River, OH, resident, Jack Samuels ate some genetically altered spinach in January. Within a week he started growing new hair on his previously almost bald pate. Within two weeks the hair was growing wildly all over his head.

His wife Jessie told our reporter that whereas Mr. Samuels previously used to spent about five seconds running a comb through his thinning hair, now he spends an half an hour preening in front of the mirror, making sure that every hair is just right. “We have only one bathroom,” Mrs. Samuels told us, “and I have to wait forever to get into it and do my hair.”

Another problem Samuels has, according to his wife, is that now he has “bad hair days.” When he gets one of those, she told us, there’s no point in even trying to talk to him. He just sits around brooding all day.

Our reporter asked Mr. Samuels what he thought of his new hair. He shook his head sadly and said, “It’s really a pain in the butt. It grows so fast that I have to get a haircut every week. If I let it go just one week, it becomes so shaggy that I can’t do a thing with it. Not only that, but it isn’t the same color or texture as my old hair.”

“Still, it must be nice to have hair again,” we suggested.

“No, it’s really a pain. I have to spend so much time taking care of it that I hardly have time to watch NASCAR races on television.”

Apparently, no matter what they have, some people will just never be satisfied.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is very interested in this genetically altered spinach. If any readers know where he can get some of it, please let us know.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Democratic candidate Carl Perrin is demanding that the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) cover men who are losing or have lost their hair. “It’s not easy being bald,” the candidate said in a speech at his retirement village. People call you ‘chromedome’ or ‘baldy.’ That does something to your self-confidence.” Perrin went on the say that being bald keeps you out of certain careers. Some older men are male models. These models might have gray hair, but you never see a bald model. Maybe modeling agencies should follow some kind of quota system. For every six hirsute male model, they should have to hire at least one bald model. The same could apply to female models. If Britney Spears wants to do some modeling, she could still get the job if she shaves her head again.

An article in Time magazine about Mitt Romney described as "looking presidential," partly because of his nice head of hair. How is a bald-headed candidate supposed to compete against that?

Before we leave the subject of baldness, we have to report on an incident that Dr. Perrin had with his barber. Perrin noticed that the guy ahead of him, a man with a full head of hair, was charged $8 for his haircut. Perrin asked why he had to pay $8 when he didn’t have any hair on the top of his head. The barber said, “I should charge more because it’s hard to find your hair to cut!”

When Perrin become president, he promises, a lot of things are going to change.

Monday, June 25, 2007


You have to feel sorry for Roy L Pearson. The pants from his Hickey Freeman suit needed to be let out. He took them to Custom Dry Cleaner in Washington, D. C. Pearson, a lawyer, claims the cleaner lost his expensive pants and tried to palm off a “cheap knockoff.” Naturally, being a lawyer, Pearson sued. He devised a formula based on the consumer protection law that said he was due $18,000 a day to recompense him for his loss. Since the conflict had gone on for over four years, Pearson argued that he is due $67.3 million. He claims he is symbolically representing the underdog (like himself), who is being taken advantage of by greedy merchants. As he told how the dry cleaner tried to pass off the cheap pair of pants, he began to cry in court. And who can blame him? He asked for a recess and left the courtroom wiping away his tears. It was really sad. But you have to admire men like Pearson who are willing to stand up for what is right.

When prominent academic Dr. Carl Perrin read about the pants caper, he wondered, just for a second, if he could sue his dry cleaner if they lost his pants. Perrin is a professor, not a lawyer, so he wouldn’t think of suing for $67.3 million, but ten or twelve thousand sure would come in handy. Anyway, Perrin doesn’t own a thousand-dollar Hickey Freeman suit. He took the suit that he had bought at Burlington Coat Factory for $125 to the local dry cleaner.

A few days later Perrin went back to pick up his suit. The suit was there ready for him, pants and jacket. There was no question about the pants being a cheap knockoff because the whole suit was cheap when he bought it. He paid the dry cleaner and took the suit home. How are you going to sue people if they don’t cooperate?

Saturday, June 23, 2007


We were shocked to learn that Vice President Cheney and his staff were not following the laws but just making up their own rules as they go along. The National Archives Information Security Oversight Office was created to make sure that classified information in the in the executive branch is protected. For the past three years the vice president’s office has refused to cooperate with the oversight agency. “It’s none of their d----d business what goes on here,” the vice president said.

According to some White House insiders, Mr. Cheney just doesn’t think those people can keep a secret. Congress will come around and put pressure on people, and pretty soon they blab everything. Or they’ll write a book, like that Tenet guy, and try to blame everything on the vice president. Mr. Cheney’s staff is loyal, and they know how to keep their mouths shut. They’ll even lie and go to jail to protect the vice president.

Anyway, the rules of the Information Security Oversight Office do not apply to the vice president. The oversight office was set up to monitor executive branch agencies, and according to Cheney, the vice president’s office is not part of the executive branch. It is its own separate little branch, entitled to keep its own secrets from other branches.

Director of the oversight office, William Leonard, wrote to the attorney general’s office to ask for a ruling on whether or not the laws apply to the vice president. Americans can sleep easy tonight because they know that Alberto Gonzales is on the job.

Friday, June 22, 2007


While most people take Carl Perrin to be a mild-mannered English professor, we recently learned that during the 1970’s the professor was carrying on a secret life. The photo from that period shows Perrin in his reserve officer uniform as he rendezvoused with Russian spy Boris Andropov, who went by the code name of Natasha. Andropov cleverly disguised himself as a woman, and in fact Perrin thought Andropov was a woman. “He wore woman’s clothes and said his name was Natasha. What was I supposed to think?” Perrin asked when he was told that “Natasha” was in fact a man.

Now it can be revealed that Perrin was a double agent. The only “secrets” he gave to Natasha were the answer keys to some old tests. “They were grammar tests that I didn’t use any more,” Perrin told us. “I used to laugh when I thought of the KBG trying to figure out what they thought was a secret code.”

As for Natasha, Perrin says he hasn’t seen her since the 1970’s. “But whatever she’s doing,” he said, “I wish her well.”

Thursday, June 21, 2007


People sometimes ask, What are Carl Perrin’s qualifications for high office? The answer is, all kinds of stuff. Like he has done some really impressive stuff in his lifetime. He has shown leadership from the time he was a senior patrol leader in his Boy Scout troop. He graduated as valedictorian of his six-member graduating class. His leadership skills are still in evidence today where he serves as president of the Computer Club at his retirement village.

He has military and administrative experience from his service during the Korean War as a personnel clerk. The army sent him to clerk-typist school at Fort Jackson, SC, where he was named the “Outstanding Graduate” of his class. You can see that this is a man who is always going to the head of the class.

Perrin did all kinds of important stuff, but one of his most important accomplishments is that he spent a half a century teaching English. If you want to know the answer to a grammar question, Perrin is the man to ask.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007


With all these candidates raising money with $500- and $1,000-a-plate dinners, Democratic candidate Carl Perrin thought he would try the same tactic. Instead of charging $500 or $1,000 for the dinner, Perrin decided on a more informal and less expensive venue, a cookout. Our candidate doesn’t know many people who can even afford those high-priced meals, so he was going to ask for a $5 donation to his campaign fund. Participants would get a hot dog and a soft drink.

One thing you have to say about Carl Perrin is that he is a realist. He knew he wasn’t going to get a thousand people to his cookout, even at $5 a head. He bought enough hot dogs and soft drinks for 100 people. The problem was, only eleven people showed up. Half of those just happened to be walking by.

What to do with all the extra hotdogs? Perrin didn’t have enough room in his freezer for dozens of hot dogs, so he insisted that the people who came to the cookout take some hot dogs home with them.

The problem was, the food, simple though it was, cost more than the funds he raised. He spent his entire campaign treasury on the cookout. Although he didn’t raise much money, he hopes he created some good will. He spent all his cash, but he knows that his supporters in Maine are saving returnable bottles for him to turn in for cash when he goes campaigning in there this summer. In the meantime, his staff is exploring new ways to raise campaign money.

To any of you Perrin supporters who are reading this, the candidate will appreciate any fund-raising suggestions you might have.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007


Everyone in the Justice Department from Alberto Gonzales to the janitor has testified about those eight U. S. attorneys who were fired for being closet Democrats. To a person, they have been forthright and open in admitting that they did not remember key events or who did what. Senator Patrick Leahy, chairman of the Judiciary Committee, is threatening to investigate the Justice Department’s cafeteria to see if something in the food is causing all those legal types to lose their memory.

Since no one in the Justice Department has any idea who ordered the firings, Leahy’s committee is is getting ready to subpoena White House aide Karl Rove and former White House counsel Harriet Miers. The president has no objection to having these two testify as long as it is not in public, they are not under oath, and no transcript is kept. The president denies that Rove and Miers have been instructed to cross their fingers behind their back when they promise to tell the truth.

Monday, June 18, 2007


White House spokesman Tony Snow said there was nothing to the rumor that President Bush is planning to move to Albania. During the president’s recent European trip, demonstrators in Germany and Italy came out in large numbers to protest against Bush. Back in the United States Republican senators mortally wounded Bush's immigration bill, even after he went personally to Capitol Hill to lobby for it.

In Albania, on the other hand, the crowds loved him. They cheered and applauded when they saw him and called out “BOOSH-Y BOOSH-Y!” Some Albanians traveled by bus for eight hours just to catch a sight of the president. Along the route from the airport, people waved American flags and sported paper Uncle Sam hats. Albanian prime minister Sali Berisha called Bush, “the greatest and most distinguished guest we have ever had in all times.”

Even though the White House denies it, many still believe the rumor. Why else, they ask, is Bush planning during a Congressional recess to appoint Karl Rove ambassador to Albania? He knows that Rove would never win Senate approval during its regular session. And why is Alberto Gonzales researching the legalities of Bush’s running for president or prime minister or something of Albania? It certainly makes you wonder.

Friday, June 15, 2007


Although Dr. Carl Perrin obviously is highly qualified to be President of the United States, questions about his personal life keep popping up. In the picture above he is shown whooping it up in a restaurant with a bunch of friends. Perrin insists that it was a business meeting, but his story about what kind of business keeps changing, and we can’t help but wonder if he was up to monkey business.

Recently a picture of Perrin with his arm around an unidentified woman came to light. (See May 24 blog.) Perrin insists that she was just a friend who used to get him a baked chicken from Costco every few weeks. You can believe that if you want to. Then another picture came out of the past. This one shows Perrin in his reserve officer’s uniform back in the ‘70s. In this picture a person named
“Natasha” has an arm around a smiling Perrin. (See May 25 blog.) “Nastasha” is wearing a dress. Perrin contends that he never noticed that Natasha also had a mustache.

Now this latest picture shows the candidate at a wild party. We can’t help wonder who the dark-haired beauty sitting opposite him is. And where was Perrin’s wife Janet when the picture was taken?

We admire Dr. Perrin for his many accomplishments, but we can’t help wonder if he has the moral character for the job to which he aspires. We don’t need another Monica Lewinski scandal in the Democratic Party.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


Up to now it has been kept out of the national news, but people in the retirement community where Democratic candidate Carl Perrin lives have long heard stories about his wife Janet’s being abducted by aliens from outer space. We learned recently that it was all a hoax. Mrs. Perrin, it appears, was just out shopping and lost track of time. “I knew my husband would be worried about where I had been all that time, so I told him I had been abducted by space aliens. It was just a joke, but he took it seriously.”

“Of course I took it seriously,” Perrin said. “What was I supposed to think? I used to worry that maybe the space aliens had put some weird ideas into her head.”

Everything is fine with the Perrins now. Perrin got a cell phone for his wife. “With the cell phone,” he said, “she can call me if she’s going to delayed. Of course if I get a call, I will worry that’s it’s really from a space alien who is imitating her voice.”

Mrs. Perrin looked at her husband. “Anyway, what’s the big deal about getting abducted by space aliens?” she asked. “Lots of people have had a lot worse things happen to them.”

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


The candidates meeting in Manchester, New Hampshire, on June 5 to debate did not have much good to say about George Bush. Three of them criticized his handling of the war. One of them criticized his diplomatic style, saying, “I would not send him to the U.N.”

One of them quoted Karl Rove, who had said to him, “Never darken the door of the White House.” This congressman would say the same to George Bush. Another, a former governor, said that the Bush administration had “lost credibility” after Katrina.

That’s the kind of thing you would pretty much expect from a bunch of Democrats, but these critics of the Bush administration were not Democrats. They were the men running for the Republican nomination for the presidency.

Tommy Thompson (who said he was the candidate, not the actor) was once a member of Bush’s cabinet. He was the one who criticized the president’s diplomatic style. John McCain, Mitt Romney, and Mike Huckabee all criticized Bush’s handling of the war. Romney said, "I think we were underprepared and underplanned for what came after we knocked down Saddam Hussein." Republican Congressman Tom Tancredo was the one who would tell Bush “Never darken the door of the White House.”

How can the Democrats criticize the president when the Republicans are already doing for them?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


The candidates are going at it hot and heavy. McCain suggests that Romney is “pandering for votes.” Edwards questions the leadership of the two Democratic senators, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, particularly in reference to the war in Iraq. Obama fires back by saying he was against the war from the beginning, while Edwards voted for the war when he was a senator. Edwards is hitting hard at the two Democratic front runners. If he is able to push them aside and become the Democratic candidate, who will be his running mate?

Speculation naturally falls on Dr. Carl Perrin as the vice presidential candidate, but Perrin says “fugetaboutit” to that. “If John Edwards and I run together,” Perrin says, “I should be the top half of the ticket. After all, I am older than John. We can see what happened the last time the vice president was older than the president. Cheney just took charge of everything.”

Anyway, Perrin is interested in the job only if he can still get his afternoon nap while the vice president does most of the work. Obviously that wouldn’t work if he were the veep.

Perrin concedes that Edwards is a fine young man, even though he spends too much on haircuts. Nevertheless, Perrin is not sure at this early stage whom he will name to be his running mate after he wins the nomination.

Monday, June 11, 2007


Congressman William Jefferson (no relation to William Jefferson Clinton) has been indicted on several charges, including taking bribes. It’s amazing that the feds were able to catch him since he cleverly hid $90,000 in cash in his freezer. (We just looked in our freezer to see if we had stashed a few loose dollars and forgotten about them, but we didn’t even find any loose change.) One of the charges against Jefferson is that he bribed an unnamed “Nigerian Official A.” Wait a minute! Nigerian officials—aren’t they the ones who send us e-mail, telling us that they need our help in getting several million dollars out of the country? They just need our bank account number so they can stash the cash in our account for a few weeks. Then for our trouble we can keep $1 million. Jefferson is bribing them—for what?

This is all so confusing. Democritic Congressman indicted for taking bribes? Democratic Congressman? Republicans are supposed to do that. Jack Abramoff bribed all those Republicans, and he’s in jail. Duke Cunningham had his hand out. He’s in jail too. Democrats aren’t supposed to do that. Democrats are supposed to be involved sex scandals, not money scandals. Democrats are supposed to do like William Jefferson Clinton and fool around with bimbo interns or Gary Hart with Donna Rice. If Congressman Jefferson can’t get involved in the right sort of scandal, he should be thrown out of the Democratic Party.

Friday, June 8, 2007


Former Tennessee senator and star of screen and television Fred Thompson has joined the dozens of other candidates for the presidency. A social conservative, Thompson will run as a Republican, hoping no doubt to emulate the success of that other former actor, Ronald Reagan.

We questioned our favorite candidate, Democrat Carl Perrin. How does he feel about running against a well-known actor, a man who already has a lot of political experience? As always, Perrin was upbeat in his response to this challenge. He pointed out that he had done quite a lot of acting himself, going all the way back to college, where he played the nasty brother-in-law in Beggar on Horseback. He has also played a doctor, a lawyer, Don Juan, and the gentleman caller in The Glass Menagerie.

“I never appeared on television or in the movies,” Perrin said, “but I have been on stage a lot, and a lot of people have seen me perform.” He said that a teacher is a performer, especially an English teacher who introduces his students to Shakespeare by reading the parts to them. Finally our actor-teacher-candidate offered to recite Hamlet’s “Oh, what a rogue and coward slave am I” soliloquy. Unfortunately, we had another appointment so could stay to hear Perrin recite.

Thursday, June 7, 2007


During the debate between the Republican candidates for the presidency on May 3, three of the participants signaled that they did not believe in evolution. One of these, Senator Brownback of Kansas, is backing away from this—kind of—in an op-ed piece published in the New York Times on May 31st.

The opposite of evolution, he asserts in his article, is not necessarily a belief that God created the world and everything in it and six 24-hour days. In fact, the senator believes that small changes within species can evolve over time. There is more that one theory of evolution, Brownback declares. He ascribes to the version of evolution that says, “Man is not an accident and reflects an image and likeness unique in the created order.” The senator rejects evolutionary theory only when it is “atheistic theology posing as science.” You have to admire the political skills of a man who can so clearly come down on both sides of an issue.

You won’t find any such wishy-washy position from Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. He believes in evolution, all forms of evolution. As he himself declares, “I have evolved from the callow youth I was 60 years ago to the experienced, mature man I am today, ready to lead the great nation as your next president.”

Wednesday, June 6, 2007


Outsiders think that Carl Perrin’s presidential campaign has no chance against major players like Hillary and Barack, but Perrin insists that things are better than they look. “There’s no place for us to go but up,” he says.

Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose adds, “The way we see it, Obama and Clinton will knock each other out of the race. That will leave Edwards and Perrin, and Dr. Perrin is really going to hit hard on the haircut issue. If Edwards is willing to spend $400 on a haircut, what will he do with the federal budget? You can expect tax rates to go up if Edwards is elected.”

Mongoose says that campaign funds are rising too. Perrin now has $17.43 in his treasury—and that doesn’t even count returnable bottles that can be exchanged for cash in Maine. Perrin supporters all over the state are saving these bottles for him. Maine headquarters for Perrin for President in Casco reports that they already have $11 or $12 worth of bottles for the campaign. Obviously that will have grown by the time that Perrin goes to Maine this summer.

Name recognition is growing also. Virtually everyone in Perrin’s retirement village knows who he is. Since this blog started a little over a month ago, several dozen more people recognize the name, Carl Perrin.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007


What is a presidential campaign without a campaign song? FDR had “Happy Days Are Here Again.” JFK had “High Hopes.” George McGovern campaigned to “Bridge Over Troubled Waters,” while Reagan ran to “Born in the U.S.A.” George H. W. Bush’s song was “This Land Is Your Land,” and Bill Clinton’s was “Don’t Stop.”

All the current candidates for the presidency are thinking about campaign songs. Hillary is looking for one, and so is Barack. Even Joe Biden and Tommy Thompson have songs that are played when they make an appearance.

If these third tier candidates have sort-of campaign songs, Dr Carl Perrin obviously needs one. The problem is, Perrin hasn’t listened to popular music since he became an old fogey, so he has no clue about what to use for his song.

But this shortcoming doesn’t worry Perrin at all. He knows that he can depend on you, his loyal supporters. Let’s hear your thoughts. What would be a good campaign song for Democratic candidate Carl Perrin?

Monday, June 4, 2007


The New York Times calls Pearl Harbor, a book by Newt Gingrich and William R. Forstchen, an assault on Hawaii and on grammar. The Times review quotes this sentence from the book:

“James nodded his thanks, opened the wax paper and looked a bit suspiciously at the offering, it looked to be a day or two old and suddenly he had a real longing for the faculty dining room on campus, always a good selection of Western and Asian food to choose from, darn good conversations to be found, and here he now sat with a disheveled captain who, with the added realization, due to the direction of the wind, was in serious need of a good shower.”


We are not here to review books or to critique book reviews. We mention Mr. Gingrich’s book only because he is mentioned as possible Republican candidate for the presidency, although he has not yet formally declared. Have we not had enough of a president who mangles words, who comes up with expressions like, “Don’t misunderestimate me”? Newt Gingrich was once a history professor. Social scientists have long been known for their empty rhetoric, sweeping generalities, and observations on the insignificant.

Do we want to put another rhetorically-challenged leader in the White House? Common sense tells us that it would be better to elect an English professor, and who is more qualified than our favorite candidate, Dr. Carl Perrin?

Friday, June 1, 2007


Bjarne Riis, who won the Tour de France bicycle race in 1996, has just admitted that he had a little help from steroids and other performance-enhancing drugs. Last year’s winner, Floyd Landis, tested positive for drugs after the race. Landis claims he never took any drugs, but the question remains open. At least a half a dozen other racers have admitted taking EPO and other drugs to help them in the race. One of these is Jan Ullrich, who won the race in 1997.

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin has taken a clear position on the doping scandal: “I have never taken steroids, EPO, or human growth hormones to enhance my race for the presidency. With me, what you see is what you get. Win or lose, I will have done it on my own.”

Marian Moonglow, spokesperson for the Edwards campaign, said, “As usual, Perrin is just trying to make something out of nothing. Nobody, surely no one at this campaign headquarters, has suggested that Mr. Perrin had taken any kind of performance-enhancing drugs.”

You can’t help but wonder, though, if Mr. Perrin is trying to create a diversion to lead voters away from all the news that has been coming out about his secret life.