SARAH BARRACUDA

John McCain has shown excellent judgment in choosing a running mate who so eminently qualified to lead the nation in his place if the need should arise. While some people questioned Ms Palin’s expertise in foreign affairs, Cindy McCain pointed out that Alaska is our closest state to Russia! That is reassuring. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t see something that obvious myself.

Like McCain, Palin is against earmarks—unless they’re going to Alaska. As mayor of Wasilla, she gained $27 million from Washington for various local projects. She was against Senator Stevens’s “Bridge to Nowhere,” but that was after she supported it. She raised sales taxes to build a hockey rink in her town. Last June she said it was “God’s will” that Washington pay for a $30 billion gas pipeline in Alaska. She said that the war in Iraq was a “task from God.” It is really scary to think of someone who thinks like that with her hands in control of nuclear weapons.

She is really tough in fighting for what she believes in. She threatened to fire the Wasilla librarian who refused to go along with her desire to censor library books. She did fire the public safety commissioner when he refused to fire a state trooper, an ex-husband of Sarah’s sister.

With a little seasoning Sarah could become as skillful as Dick Cheney in getting things done her way. She’s a hunter, and a better shot than Cheney. As Fred Thompson said, “She’s the only nominee who knows how to field dress a moose.” Snicker at that if you want, but you never can tell when such a skill might come in handy for a vice president.

CANDIDATES’ VIEW ON THE ECONOMIC CRISIS

According to Mitt Romney the economic crisis is proof that we need someone who has worked in the private sector to lead the country, not someone like George Bush, though, someone like Mitt Romney. He told a group of people in Boca Raton that, “Every time I’ve seen things really get scary and the markets really collapse, I put aside my fear and say—aha, this is a buying opportunity.” After the meeting he went out and tried to buy a few votes.

Rudy Giuliani told another Florida gathering that the huge market drop didn’t worry him. “After all,” he said, “I took charge of things after 9/11. When stuff happens, I know what to do.”

John Edwards said the market drop showed the disconnect between Washington, Wall Street, and real people.

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin said, “The economic problems show how important it is to make sure that the average person will be able to afford a six-pack of beer.”

In other news, Fred Thompson says goodbye. Mike Huckleberry’s senior staff are giving up their salaries for the month, and the former Arkansas governor is cutting back on campaigning in Florida because of a shortage of funds. That’s the second Republican candidate whose staff has told the boss not to pay them this month. Pretty soon it will be McCain vs. Romney for the Republican ticket. Dr. Carl Perrin did not have to ask his senior staff to forego their salaries this month because the entire staff is volunteer. He doesn’t pay them anything.

Meanwhile the Center for Public Integrity and the Fund for Independence in Journalism found that over a two-year period the Bush administration made 935 false statements about the national security threat for Iraq. We weren’t counting, but the number doesn’t surprise us. Bushie himself lied 259 times. Darth Vader, Condi, Rummy, Wolfie, and two press secretaries also made some whoppers. So did Colin Powell, but we think the rest of that truth-challenged outfit fed the lies to Powell.

IS GIULIANI STILL IN THE RACE?

Rudy Giuliani. Remember him? He’s the tough guy former New York City mayor who was going to kick ass. He was going to show those terrorists a thing or two. For a while he was the Republican front runner in the race for the nomination. Then he decided not to make a real effort in the Iowa race. Too country for him maybe? New Hampshire was too small and too rural also. He isn’t putting in much of an appearance in Michigan today. We’re not sure why.

So Mike Huckleberry comes up from behind and takes the Republican caucus in Iowa, while John McCain comes in first in the New Hampshire Republican primary. Is Giuliani worried? Naw. He has plenty of money for the big races coming up on February 5. The top six or seven Giuliani staffers decide they don’t need a pay check this month. It’s not that the campaign is short on funds. They just don’t need the money. After all, the less you make, the less you have to pay in income taxes. Right?

So Rudy is depending on doing well in the big states, the states with all the delegates, Florida, New York, and California. People in south Florida will remember him. South Florida is almost New York South, so many New Yorkers retire there. But north Florida? Naw. Up near the Georgia border, they’ll say, “Giuliani? Isn’t he the guy who lived with them two homasexules when his second wife kicked him out of the house? She kicked him out of the house after he announced on TV before he mentioned to her that they were splitting up.” Rudy can’t depend on the Sunshine State. Of course they’ll remember him in New York, though not always fondly. Californians? They like movie actors, Ronald Reagan and Arnold Schwarzenegger. They’ll probably vote for Fred Thompson.

Too bad, Rudy. It was nice knowing you.

REPUBLICANS BATTLE

Huckabee says Thompson didn’t accomplish much of anything in his years in the Senate. Thompson calls Huckabee a liberal. Mitt and Mac go after each other in Michigan. We love it when Republicans beat each other up, violating the commandment of Saint Ronald, that Republicans should not say nasties about other Republicans. (They should leave that kind of dirty work to Democrats.)

The automobile industry in Michigan has lost more and more jobs as buyers in the U.S. and elsewhere purchase cars made in other countries. McCain gave some of his straight talk to Michigan voters: Those jobs are “not coming back.”

Romney called McCain’s statement defeatist. He also criticized the senator for voting for increased fuel efficiency standards in American automobiles, which Mitt said would help foreign auto makers but hurt American car manufacturers. The guy is so full of empty rhetoric. He is somehow going to entice people to buy more Detroit-built cars and revitalize the Michigan auto industry. At the same time he criticizes a measure that might actually lead people to buy more American cars: increasing fuel efficiency and economy. He ignores the threat to the country of greater dependence on foreign oil and the threat to the world of increased emissions from Detroit gas guzzlers.

McCain countered that he would be “ashamed and embarrassed” if he were to promise that the lost jobs were coming back. Romney, on the other hand, does not seem to be embarrassed by empty promises.

THE HUCK AND FRED SHOW

Mike Huckabee and Fred Thompson have been going at it hot and heavy. Huck said that Fred had not accomplished anything in his years in the senate. Stung, Fred called Huck the L-word. Next they argued over who had supported Saint Ronald Reagan longer.

The fight got really mean when Thompson said his early years were filled with more poverty than Huck’s. Huckabee’s father worked as a firefighter and a mechanic, whereas Fred’s father, who only went to the eighth grade, sold used cars for a living. “I can out-poor any of them,” Thompson said, referring to the other Republican hopefuls.

Huck and Fred have nothing on Democratic candidate Carl Perrin, whose father was a farmer. The only plumbing in their first farm was a pump in the kitchen sink. It doesn’t get any more hardscrabble than that.

THE FINAL HOURS

With just hours to go before the Iowa caucuses, the rankings seem to change by the minute. On the Republican side, the race is between Mike Huckabee and Mitt Romney, with the former Arkansas governor ahead 31 to 25 percent. Fred Thompson, John McCain, and Ron Paul are neck in neck for third place.

On January 1, Huckabee called a news conference to show a commercial that questioned rival Romney’s honesty. After showing the ad to journalists, Huckabee said he was not going to run it because he wasn’t that kind of person. He was going to accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative. The journalists were left scratching their heads and saying, “huh?”

On the Democratic side, it is still a three-way race, with Obama slightly ahead with 31 percent, to 27 percent for Edwards, and 24 percent for Clinton. Still running last among the Democrats is Dr. Carl Perrin.

Perrin had prepared a commercial which said, You can’t provide leadership for the nation by being nice like Obama, or by fighting for it like Edwards, or by working for it like Clinton. You just have to have “it,” something you’re born with, like Carl Perrin.

Perrin decided not to run the ad, though, because he is not going to be drawn into negative campaigning. He couldn’t run the ad even if he wanted to because he doesn’t have enough money in his campaign fund to pay for it.

REPUBLICAN DEBATES

At last night’s debate, Republican candidates didn’t have much to say about Hillary Clinton. They were too busy attacking each other. Romney and Guiliani were at it again, each charging the other with being soft on illegal immigration. While he was in the attack mode, Romney criticized Mike Huckabee for having proposed a tuition break for children of illegal immigrants when he was governor of Arkansas. Romney argued with John McCain over waterboarding. Romney thought it was okay. McCain charged that the failure to condemn waterboarding was a failure to understand American principles.
Fred Thompson made a couple of good points: Mitt Romney was for abortion rights before he was against them, and he was for an immigration bill before he was against a similar one.

Few of the candidates looked very good, but Romney wins the award as the most wishy-washy, waffling candidate among the Republicans.

LOOK AT THE COMPETITION

One of Rudy Guiliani’s advisors wants to bomb Iran. Before he resigned, one of Fred Thompson’s chief fund raisers was a convicted drug dealer. Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution. Dennis Kucinich has seen UFOs. Hillary Clinton is the Democratic front runner, but no one likes her.

With competition like that, it should be clear that the country needs a calm, rational person for the presidency, someone who owes nothing to special interests. In short, a man like Dr. Carl Perrin, a man of the people and the people’s choice.

POLITICAL SNIPING

The Republicans keep sniping at each other. Thompson is off to a disappointing start. At one point he said that he became a father at 17, as though that was a reason to vote for him. Romney used to be in favor of abortion rights and gay rights. Now he is more conservative than thou. Guiliani is trying to appeal to conservatives, but they don’t believe the thrice-married former New York mayor. Ronald Reagan once said that the 11th Commandment for Republicans was not to attack other Republicans. Evidently today’s GOP no longer believes that. Over the next couple of months the Republican field is going to be whittled down. It could well be that in the end the Republican candidate will not be one of the front runners, but a dark horse like Mike Huckabee.

On the Democratic side Hillary Clinton keeps sniping at her nearest rival, Barack Obama, suggesting that he lacks experience. Edwards in turn keeps implying that Clinton is too cozy with special interests. After the primaries and caucuses of the next few months, the Democrats might find that they too need a dark horse candidate. And what horse could be darker than Dr. Carl Perrin? Of course everyone in his retirement village knows him as well as his wide circle of relatives, friends, and acquaintances. But he is still not well known in political circles. All this is about to change. Don’t be surprised if you see Dr. Carl Perrin at the head of the Democratic ticket in 2008.

STEPHEN COLBERT FOR PRESIDENT—ARE YOU KIDDING?

Yesterday Stephen Colbert announced that he too is running for the presidency. We think it is too bad that he is poking fun at a serious thing like American politics. And where has he been for this past year when serious candidates (like Dr. Carl Perrin) have been on the campaign trail? We rather suspect that, like that other coy candidate, Fred Thompson, he will fall flat on his face when he gets into real campaigning. Thompson looks good when he has a script to follow, but without one, he doesn’t know what to say.

Colbert says he is running as a Democrat and as a Republican. Well, ha ha! He also says he is running only in South Carolina. We find that personally offensive. It is obviously a dig at Dr. Perrin, whose campaign strategy seems to be centered in Maine. But Perrin never said he was campaigning only in Maine. He has contacts all over the country. He was born in Massachusetts, the most liberal state in the country. He grew up in New Hampshire, the state where the first primary is held. He spent 16 years in the Midwest (Missouri and Ohio). He was in South Carolina during the Korean War, in the Dixie Division! He now lives in New Jersey. As you can see, our candidate has contacts with people from lots of places.

As to the issues, Perrin didn’t just suddenly come out for cheap beer as a campaign issue. He has always been in favor of cheap beer. On his teacher’s salary, that was all he could afford.

So, Mr. Colbert, enough of this foolishness. Leave politics to the serious professionals, like Dr. Carl Perrin.

GENDER ISSUES

According to the recent Associated Press-Ipsos poll Fred Thompson is ahead of Rudy Guiliani among Republicans seeking the nomination. He is particularly strong among men, and that’s his problem. Sixty-three percent of his support is from men, particularly married men over 45, who tend to me more conservative. He does not have a strong following among women.

Hillary Clinton is Thompson’s mirror opposite. She has the support of 41 percent of women, more than twice Barack Obama's 19 percent. Fourteen percent of women favor Al Gore, and 10 percent are for John Edwards.

Clearly what we need is a candidate who will appeal to both men and women. Obviously it is not Fred Thompson, who is, frankly, not that sexy. Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, on the other hand, has that come-hither and vote-for-me charm. He has that savoir faire, that air of sophistication that appeals to women At the same time he has that he-man image that makes men wish they were more like him. Once the word gets out, he will charm the female voters and win the admiration of male voters. If the Democrats want to win the election, they need a winner like Dr. Carl Perrin.

"DUMB AS HELL"

ANOTHER FLIP-FLOPPING REPUBLICAN

When Fred Thompson was on Senator Howard Baker’s staff in 1973, President Nixon said the staffer was “dumb as hell.” That may be too harsh, but Thompson does seem, like so many Republicans, to have memory problems. As a senator himself, Thompson told the Concord Coalition that he would back a balanced federal budget, but when it came up for a vote, he evidently forgot his promise and voted against it.

But Thompson is really wishy-washy on the subject of abortion. In 1994 he said, “The ultimate decision on abortion should be left with the woman and not the government.” But as a senator he voted to ban the so-called partial-birth abortion. Recently the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association hired him to lobby the Bush administration to help clinics get federal money for abortion counseling. Never before in history has a politician managed to take so many mutually exclusive positions on one issue.

In contrast to wishy-washy Republicans, Democratic candidate Carl Perrin is steadfast in his political outlook. He has always been a liberal and was always in favor of cheap beer.

REPUBLICAN STRATEGY

REPUBLICAN SHARKS

As Jon McCain’s candidacy floats bleeding—some say dead in the water—other leading Republican candidates smell the blood and are circling for the kill. Mitt Romney and Fred Thompson are facing off, each one hoping to pick up the conservative, family-value voters. Guiliani supporters are hoping that Thompson and Romney divide the conservative Republicans and leave the field to Guiliani, who stands to pick up some of the moderate and independent voters who would have gone for McCain.

If Guiliani wins the Republican nomination, he will be likely to face Democratic nominee Dr. Carl Perrin. Neither man is going to get many conservative votes. Both have been married three times. At heart Guiliani is a moderate-liberal, but lately he has been kissing up to conservatives, for example, trying to get on all sides of the abortion issue. It’s hard to know where he really stands.

Perrin, on the other hand, has always been a liberal, and he has never kissed up to conservatives, hoping to get their votes. He is confident that the beer drinkers of American will vote for him.

FRED THOMPSON ENTERS THE RACE

Former Tennessee senator and star of screen and television Fred Thompson has joined the dozens of other candidates for the presidency. A social conservative, Thompson will run as a Republican, hoping no doubt to emulate the success of that other former actor, Ronald Reagan.

We questioned our favorite candidate, Democrat Carl Perrin. How does he feel about running against a well-known actor, a man who already has a lot of political experience? As always, Perrin was upbeat in his response to this challenge. He pointed out that he had done quite a lot of acting himself, going all the way back to college, where he played the nasty brother-in-law in Beggar on Horseback. He has also played a doctor, a lawyer, Don Juan, and the gentleman caller in The Glass Menagerie.

“I never appeared on television or in the movies,” Perrin said, “but I have been on stage a lot, and a lot of people have seen me perform.” He said that a teacher is a performer, especially an English teacher who introduces his students to Shakespeare by reading the parts to them. Finally our actor-teacher-candidate offered to recite Hamlet’s “Oh, what a rogue and coward slave am I” soliloquy. Unfortunately, we had another appointment so could stay to hear Perrin recite.