GOP CONVENTION SPEAKER

No one knows what will happen at the GOP Convention in Cleveland, but whatever it is, it probably won’t be pretty. Former Republican Presidents and Presidential candidates have announced that they won’t be there. Donald Trump is even having trouble getting prominent Republicans to speak at the event.

In one of the strangest developments in this Strangest Show on Earth, rumors are circulating that the Donald will ask former Presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin to speak in Cleveland. What! Perrin is a life-long Democrat. How can anyone think that he would even consider speaking at the Republican convention, especially one that is poised to nominate Donald Trump?

We must emphasize that this is only rumor, a rumor that we have not been able to verify from other sources. According to this rumor, Trump is really desperate to get speakers for the big event, and although Perrin is not nationally known, within his small circle, a lot of people know him. Further, according to the story, the retired English professor will be able to speak on any topic he wants. The Trump people are even suggesting that Perrin will be encouraged to talk about cheap beer.

You can see the dilemma that puts Perrin in. People who know him are aware of much he likes to talk about cheap beer. As one close associate said, “He won’t shut up about cheap beer.” Will this life-long Democrat go to the convention in Cleveland and witness the possible nomination of the least-qualified presidential candidate ever in order to get a chance to talk to the country about cheap beer?

Only time will tell.

ELECTION CHAOS

    

 Things are getting really dicey. Just a couple of weeks to the Republican 

Convention, and huge numbers of GOP stalwarts are doing all they can to prevent Donald Trump from getting the nomination. The Bushes are not going to the convention. George Will has dropped out of the Republican Party. The Koch brothers are not contributing to Trump's campaign. Republican senators are saying that they might vote for Hillary! Republican leaders in both the House and Senate are criticizing some of The Donald's most outrageous Statements. Mitch McConnell refused to say whether Trump was qualified to be President. Polls show Hillary 12 points ahead of Donald.

    Meanwhile everything is not all sweetness and light with the Democrats. A tell-all book by a former Secret Serviceman is letting secrets out of the bag. According to this book, Hillary once threw a lamp at Bill. Pictures of the broken lamp are offered as proof. The Clinton White House was a wild, swinging times, filled with cocaine sniffing orgies. Oh My!

    Former Presidential candidate Carl Perrin has not escaped from all this calumny. Stories that came out during his 2008 campaign are rising to the surface again. According to these stories, he used federal funds to travel to Maine to see a woman young enough to be his daughter. This story was completely insidious because on the surface it is true, but the insinuation is not. The "federal funds" that Perrin used were his Social Security check. The woman "young enough to be his daughter" was in fact his daughter. Why would stories like this come out now? Perrin wasn't even in this election campaign. He found that all that politicking was interfering with his nap time. However, Hillary is looking for a vice presidential candidate to run with her. Naturally the former English professor's name came up.

Why would anyone object to Perrin's being named to the Democratic ticket? Two theories come up. Some politicians object to Perrin not because they have anything against him, but because they are promoting some other candidate for the job. Still others say that they object to Perrin because he is not qualified for the job! 

    When he was running for office in 2008, he didn't have a fully-planned platform, these people say. The only thing he promised was cheap beer. Nothing about taxes, defense, health care. Cheap beer is important, but there are other things that should concern the President.

    Perrin isn’t even sure he wants the job. Why should he settle for being vice president? He is already president of the LV Computer Club

An Interview with former Presidential Candidate Carl Perrin

Yes, I have a major regret, said Perrin, getting right to the point. I should have taken the campaign more seriously from the beginning. The problem with this presidential election is that there have been no good candidates on either side. Trump is a liar and a bully. He lacks the gravitas and the temperament to be president. He has no policy plans except his ego. In the beginning a lot of people thought that his campaign was a joke, but no one is laughing now.  It seems that he most likely will capture the Republican nomination.

Cruz is one of the most disliked politicians ever, and no one hates him more than his Republican colleagues. The former Republican Speaker of the House called Cruz a miserable son of a bitch, the devil in the flesh. Cruz has taken the unusual step of naming a running mate even though he cannot gain the nomination unless there is a brokered convention. His running mate, Carly Fiorina, isn’t much better liked than the Texas Senator. As CEO of HP computer company, she ran the business almost into the ground until she was booted. Before she was booted out, she cut thousands of jobs from HP.

Ohio governor John Kasich doesn’t seem too bad. He has political experience as congressman and governor. He is well liked in the Buckeye State. He looks especially good in comparison to Trump and Cruz. But he has garnered only a handful of delegates, compared to his two rivals, who each have hundreds.

Really, things don’t look much better on the Democratic side. Bernie Sanders has attracted an enthusiastic following. A lot of people like his ideas about taking more from the rich and creating benefits like free college for everyone. The problem is it seems more and more unlikely that he would ever be able to bring these ideas to fruition. Further, in interviews with the New York Post, he seemed unprepared, uninformed even about issues relating to the big banks that he would like to bring down.

There is no doubt that Hillary Clinton is the most competent and most qualified to do the job. However, while she is not as disliked at Trump or Cruz, a lot of people dislike her. She admits that she is not a natural politician, but she has a politician’s manner of evading painful questions. A lot of people just don’t trust her. Barack Obama was held in check by a Republican Congress who did everything they could to abort anything he tried. Congress seemed to have no regard to what would be good for the country. If Obama was for it, they would block it. If she is elected, Hillary can expect the same lack of cooperation from Republicans in Congress.

The upshot is, no matter which of these characters become the next president, a lot of people are going to be unhappy. Perrin feels sorry for the next president, no matter who it is. The country is going to be in a mess, trying to recover from the wounds that have been opened in this brutal election.

While Perrin regrets not getting into this year’s presidential campaign, there still is hope. At 90 Perrin will still be young enough to run for the presidency in 2020. After the disaster that the next president is sure to face, the voters of America will be happy to see a candidate who will bring common sense and mature judgment to the political scene.

   

SERIOUS CANDIDATE?

Few except the most gullible believe that Donald Trump is a serious candidate for the presidency. Some skeptics are raising the same question about Democratic candidate Carl Perrin. Perrin insists that he is much more serious about the issues than Trump.

Trump’s bluster and bombast, Perrin says, are all vague, superficial generalities. He wants to build a wall between the U. S. and Mexico and have the Mexican government pay for it! No word about how he going to do this. No details. No specifics. It is obviously never going to happen.

He is going to send all illegal Mexican aliens back to Mexico. There is no thought to how that would disrupt the American economy or how he would find all the millions of illegal aliens or move them back to Mexico. If any news person presses him for particulars, Trump becomes belligerent.

Perrin, on the other hand, has one main issue: cheap beer. It all started when farmers began to plant more corn so that it could be made into ethanol. Land that had previous been planted with barley is now used to grow corn. Since there was less barley for making beer, the price of beer began to go up, making it more expensive for the average American.

Perrin wants to solve this problem by having the government provide price support for barley. It would be good for farmers, good for the economy and good for six-pack Joe. Here is a workable, detailed plan for keeping the price of beer low for working Americans. Perrin is serious about keeping beer affordable for the people of this great country. This is not a position Perrin arrived at in time for a political campaign. Perrin has always been serious about cheap beer. 

THE UNTHINKABLE

Just a few weeks ago it would have been unthinkable. The Donald has risen to the top of the Republican race for the presidential nomination. At the same time Hillary keeps losing ground. The vast majority of the electorate does not trust her. Bernie is speaking to large numbers and raising millions in campaign donations. He is looking better all the time. And yet many thoughtful people say that Bernie is too extreme, that he is unelectable.

Is it possible? Could Trump actually win the Republican nomination and then go against a weakened Democrat, Clinton or Sanders? Could Trump actually be elected president of the United States? OMG!

It really is unthinkable, but what if it does happen? New Jersey senior citizen Carl Perrin has his answer. A few years ago he learned that when he was born, his parents were still Canadian citizens. If the unthinkable happens, could he claim dual citizenship? Could he move to Canada? 

SINKING LIKE A ROCK

Pollster John Zogby says that Hillary’s campaign is “in trouble… She is frankly sinking like a rock.” Bernie Sanders, according to Zogby, is just an alternative to Hillary. “He is a progressive with flash and bones, but essentially he’s not a very appealing person.”

Sooner or later, the pollster says, somebody else will jump into the race, someone who can electrify the base of the party, possibly Joe Biden or John Kerry. A third name that Zogby didn’t mention is Carl Perrin. Could he be the one? For the time Perrin is not commenting.

A COOL MILLION

Right-wing radio host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich a million dollars. All he has to do is drop out of the presidential race. Savage has nothing against Newt. He just doesn’t think the former Speaker of the House can defeat Obama. Also he is a fat, old, white man.

The offer got former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinking. Although Perrin, a bald, old, white man, was never a candidate for the Republican nomination, he ran for a while as an Independent, on the cheap beer ticket. He withdrew from the race when he realized he didn’t have a chance of winning. Nevertheless his presence as an Independent candidate could draw some of the votes for the crazies who supported some of those “are-you-kidding?” candidates. If enough of these voters cast a ballot for Perrin rather than the Republican candidate, it could throw the race to Obama.

Here’s Perrin’s offer to Michael Savage or anyone else who wants to take the challenge: For a hundred thousand Perrin will stay out of the race, and that will help the eventual Republican candidate, whoever he or she is.

NUDE POLITICIANS

When Senator Scott Brown was a student at Boston College Law School, he posed in the nude for Cosmo magazine. The money he got for posing helped pay his tuition at law school. Elizabeth Warren, the woman who will probably be his opponent in next years’ senatorial race, was asked how she financed her education. She said, “I kept my clothes on.” Brown’s response was, “Thank God.”

The infighting between these two candidates brought out an incident in one-time presidential candidate Carl Perrin’s campaign. Campaign funds had shrunk so low that there was not enough money even to buy a case of cheap beer. Thinking of Scott Brown’s fund raiser for college tuition, Perrin thought about posing in the nude to raise campaign funds. His family was dead set against it.

“If I could someone to pay me to take off my clothes,” the candidate insisted, “we could enough money to get the campaign in gear.

“You’re 80 years old,” his wife said. “Believe me, no one wants to see you naked.”

“I may be 80, but I’m in pretty good shape for a geezer,” he replied. “Besides, it would be good publicity.”

“That’s not the kind of publicity a presidential candidate needs.”

“It’s not just the publicity; it’s the money,” the former English professor maintained.”

“If you need money,” his great granddaughter offered, “I’ll let you have my lunch money.”

To give Perrin credit, at least he didn’t take the kid’s lunch money. And the public was spared the sight of a nude octogenarian.

PAUL RYAN'S TOWN HALL MEETINGS

Last spring Congressman Paul Ryan was booed when he met constituents at town hall meetings. Voters were unhappy with the Republican budget which Ryan engineered. The plan would extend tax breaks for the wealthy and phase out Medicare.

This summer the congressman is trying to avoid that kind of confrontation by charging admission to his town hall meetings. People who want to talk to him will have to shell out $15. That will keep out some of the riff raff and troublemakers. At the same time it will raise a little cash. How come the Republicans have all the good ideas?

Possible Democratic candidate Carl Perrin, while no admirer of Representative Ryan, likes his idea of charging for town meetings. Although Perrin has not yet committed himself to entering the presidential race, he did want to hear what the people were saying. He rented a hall and invited his supporters to come and ask softball questions. Instead of charging $15, he asked for only $5, assuming that most people were cheapskates, like him.

It didn’t work out. Only a handful of people arrived, some of them came because they thought he would be handing out cheap beer. Those people left when they learned it was going to cost $5. In all, the on-again, off-again candidate collected only $25, all of it from family members. He still has to pay for the hall he rented. If you would like to help, you can contribute to Perrin’s Paypal account.

GLAD HE'S NOT RUNNING

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is glad he is not running for office in this election. Politicians are pulling out all stops in their effort to dredge up any dirt about their opponents.

Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle of Nevada criticized mainstream Republicans in these words. “"The Republicans have lost their standards, they've lost their principles ... really that's why the machine in the Republican Party is fighting against me.” Her opponent, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, is using her words against her.

In Connecticut Democratic candidate for the Senate Richard Blumenthal seems to have been mixed up about whether or not he served in Vietnam. (He didn’t.) His opponent Linda McMahon questions his veracity. “If he lied about Vietnam,” she asks, “what else is he lying about?”

It turns out that Republican candidate for governor of California, Meg Whitman, for nine years had a maid who was an illegal alien. This despite her strong stand about illegal aliens.

And then there is Christine O’Donnell, Republican candidate for Joe Biden’s old seat in the Senate. Every day new dirt about her appears. She used campaign money for personal expenses, she dabbled in witchcraft, she lied about having a college degree, etc., etc.

Carl Perrin’s heart goes out to these candidates. He knows what it is like to have mud flung at him from all directions. When he was running for the presidency, someone dug up the story about his failure to pay the fine on an overdue library book at the Portland Public Library back in the eighties. Even worse, some mud slinger dredged up the story about his having had contacts with “Natashia,” who may or may not have been a Russian agent.

If he were running in this election, Perrin knows, someone would be digging up a story about his addiction to chocolate or something. He has not decided whether to run for office in 2012, but all the digging and mud slinging gives him pause.

MODEL FOR AMERICAN TEENAGERS

Bristol Palin is a model for American teenagers. Two years ago the unmarried teen gave birth to a child. Now she is the teen ambassador for a foundation to prevent teen pregnancy. She is willing to speak to groups about her experiences, for a fee of $15,000. She even acted in a series “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” Her role was an unmarried teen mother named Bristol—talk about type casting! Now we understand that she and Levi Johnston are hooking up again.

Like her mother Ms Palin has been an inspiration to retired English professor Carl Perrin. He too would like to talk to people to give them the benefit of his experiences. Unfortunately, he was such a goody two-shoes as a teenager that he rarely got into trouble. However, he did go to the park beside his high school and smoked cigarettes during lunch break. He would be glad to talk to teenagers about the evils of tobacco. After 40 years he gave up the filthy weed. Now he is tobacco free. He isn’t even asking $15,000 to give his anti-tobacco talk. He’ll do it for $1,000.

Perrin also brings a lot of stage experience if someone wants to cast him in a play. He realizes that he can’t do a convincing performance as a teenager, but he could play someone who used to be a teen.

BE THANKFUL

Just be thankful that Carl Perrin was not elected president in 2008. The FBI recently arrested a coup of alleged Russian agents in New York. These spies had been in this country for many years. They were in deep cover, living lives of normal American suburbanites. Among those arrested was 28-year-old Anna Chapman, whom the press is calling a femme fatale.

What has this to do with presidential candidate Carl Perrin? In the late seventies and early eighties Perrin was involved with a person known only as “Natashia.” There was some speculation back then that Natashia was a Russian spy. This was never proven, but it was never disproved either. As you can see by the photograph above, of Natashia and Perrin in his reserve officer's uniform, she was something of a femme fatale also.

Perrin claims he hasn’t seen Natashia for decades, but you can bet if he had been elected president, Natashia would have climbed out of wherever she is hiding. Just think, a spy with a link to the White House! The Russians would have known about Perrin’s plan to keep cheap beer at an affordable price for American men and woman. What a mess that would have been!

MORE POLITICS

Nikki Haley came out ahead in the Republican primary for governor of South Carolina. It will be hard for her to live up to the newsworthiness of Mark Sanford, current Republican governor of the state. You will recall that a year ago Sanford told everyone that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in fact he slipped off to rendezvous with his “soul mate” in South America. Nevertheless, two men have claimed that they had “inappropriate relationships” with the married Haley.

Perennial candidate Dr. Carl Perrin insists that he has not had any relationship, inappropriate or not, with Ms. Haley. He has never even seen her. He did spend a year and half in South Carolina, but that was during the Korean War, before Nikki Haley was born.

Meanwhile on the West Coast Carly Fiorina has maligned the hair of Barbara Boxer, who will be her opponent for the California senate seat in November. Criticizing another politician’s hair is considered a low blow, but characteristic of Ms. Fiorina, who was considered an “unpleasant person” before she was pushed out of her job at HP with a multimillion dollar golden parachute.

Carl Perrin is sensitive to jabs about hair since he has so little of it. If politicians are going to stoop to making fun of other’s physical attributes, we are worse off than anyone thought.

CAMPAIGN FINANCING

Although it has been over a year and a half since the presidential election, Family Values candidate Carl Perrin is still smarting over his bitter loss at the polls. He considered himself so perfect for the job that he wonders why any rational person would vote for anyone else. He has always found some comfort in the thought that many of the voters were obviously irrational.

The recent primary elections have shown another reason why less qualified people were voted into office while Perrin was left out in the cold. Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman spent $71 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination for governor of California. Another former CEO, Carly Fiorina, spent $25 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination to run against California Democrat Barbara Boxer. Billionaire Democrat-Republican-Independent Michael Bloomberg spent mega-millions to secure the job of New York City mayor three times. Jon Corzine spent a fortune to win a senate seat and then the governorship of New Jersey.

It’s no wonder that Perrin never won an election. How could he compete against that kind of money? For his entire year-and-a-half campaign Perrin spent just a few hundred dollars. Most of that was for coffee and jelly doughnuts to get himself going in the morning and cheap beer to relax after a day of campaigning.

Perrin is not actively seeking public office at this moment, but he is always looking for opportunities to get a soft job at taxpayers’ expense. You can help Dr. Carl Perrin win the next election—whatever it may be. Send your contribution to Elect Carl Perrin to Office now. You’ll be glad you did it.

HOPPING MAD

Carl Perrin is hopping mad. First of all, he finds out that he is not going to be named U. S. Senator for New Hampshire. Judd Gregg withdrew his nomination, stating that as a conservative Republican, he couldn’t go along with President Obama’s Democratic plans. Which makes one wonder if Obama wasn’t taking bipartisanship a little too far in considering Gregg for a cabinet position.

Of course there is still that job of Commerce Secretary to fill, and unlike many of Obama’s cabinet nominees, Perrin doesn’t have any unpaid income taxes, as far as he knows. Someone did let him borrow a car recently while his was in the shop, but we don’t think there’s any income tax liability there.

Despite his clean record on taxes, Perrin is realistic enough to recognize that with his academic background, he is probably not a good fit in the Commerce Department. However, he was hoping to get a high-level executive job at a bank or some other financial institution that has been helped with the economic bailout. But now he finds out that, even if he can land such a job, the Obama administration will limit his salary to a half a million dollars a year.

That’s outrageous! How can anyone live on $500,000 a year? The first thing Perrin would have done with his new salary would have been to trade in his 13-year-old Honda for a Mercedes. That would have taken a big chunk out of his salary. Then there are taxes and all that other nickel and dime stuff. Before you know it, all he would have left to live on would be about a third of a million. It’s hardly enough to bother with.

BOOK DEAL

We hear that Sarah Palin is going to get a book deal that will bring her $7 million. You can buy a lot of clothes with that kind of money.

Sarah isn’t the only former VP candidate who is earning some money for a literary project. Rosie Thibideau of Maine earned ten thousand from a national publication. The Enquirer paid the former Family Values vice presidential candidate and Madawaska mechanic for exclusive rights to her story.

“I was surprised when they offered that much money for my story,” Rosie said. “Actually they seemed more interested in trying to find some dirt on Carl Perrin, but Jeez, the guy is 78 years old. How much hanky-panky can you expect from a guy that age?”

OBAMA GOES TO BERLIN, GERMANY; MC CAIN GOES TO BERLIN, NH, AND PERRIN DRINKS GERMAN BEER

While Obama drew a huge crowd in Berlin, Germany, McCain attracted a handful of people in Berlin, New Hampshire. At the same time Family Values candidate Carl Perrin drank some German beer and felt he had participated.

Obama made a hit with French president Nicolas Sarkozy, Perrin went to West Paris, Maine, and no one even knew he was there. McCain, remembering Freedom Fries, was not sure whether it was politically useful to do anything French, went to a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio.

McCain turned negative and charged unfairly that Obama would rather go to a gym than go to a hospital and visit wounded GIs. Perrin asserted that he talks to veterans every day. His retirement village is full of veterans of World War II, Korea, and Vietnam. He admits, though, that he would rather go to a bar than a hospital.

WHO’S THE BIGGEST FLIP-FLOPPER?

As we move toward the general election, the candidates are flip-flopping all over the place. A lot of people saw John McCain as a moderate who stayed away from some of the GOP’s most extreme positions. Now, in order to woo the party’s base, he has been moving toward the right. He opposed the Bush tax cuts when they came up. Now he says he wants to make them permanent. He once referred to the Evangelicals as “agents of intolerance.” Now he seeks their blessings.

Barack Obama has been called the most liberal member of the Senate. Now he seems to be moving toward the center. He vowed to concentrate on bringing the troops home from Iraq. Now he is “refining” his position on troop withdrawal. He voted to let the telecoms off the hook on issue of cooperating with the Bush administration’s spying on citizens.

To some people, the shifts of McCain and Obama are nothing compared to candidate Carl Perrin’s flip-flop. He tried to win the Democratic nomination. When he didn’t succeed, instead of throwing his considerable influence behind Senator Obama, Perrin entered the race as a conservative Family Values candidate. The man who ran as a liberal is now trying to get conservatives to vote for him.

Perrin insists, however, that he has not changed positions at all. He always thought that corn ethanol was a bad idea. He was always in favor of cheap beer, and he still is.

HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Senator McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know much about economics, so he enlisted the aid of a man who has a Ph. D. in the subject. Former senator Phil Gramm, now a vice chairman of UBS, promptly said that Americans have “become a nation of whiners.” That comment really helped McCain, who had to disavow the former senator’s unpolitical comment.

Barack Obama picked up some of the same sort of support from fellow Democrat, the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson complained that Obama was “talking down” to black men when he said they should take responsibility for their children. That made the reverend so angry that he wanted to “cut Obama’s nuts off”! That doesn’t sound like a very Christian sentiment to us.

Family Values candidate Carl Perrin also has “friends” who are not being very helpful. Campaign volunteer Hercule Mendez evidently forgot that Perrin was running now as a conservative when he said, “Perrin has always been a liberal.” Perrin responded that he was liberal only in his devotion to family values.

PERRIN’S MILITARY SERVICE DOES NOT QUALIFY HIM FOR THE PRESIDENCY

When General Clark said that John McCain’s military service did not qualify him to be president, people were outraged. Now the same charges are being leveled at conservative Family Values candidate Carl Perrin.

We spoke to retired Master Sergeant “Stud” Adams, who said, “Yeah, I remember Perrin, that little pissant. He was one of them Yankees that was assigned to the Dixie Division during the Korean War. He was in my platoon, but before too long he got hisself assigned to the orderly room so he could sit on his ass all day while the rest of us were out training in the hot sun. Then he got hisself transferred to the personnel office and even made sergeant. He had a soft job, just sitting at a desk all day. When we would go home to Alabama, we would bring back some of the good ole white lightning. Perrin could make a good dent on that, but otherwise I can’t think of anything in his military service that would prepare him to president of the US of A.”

“Sergeant Adams,” Perrin grunted dismissively. ‘What the hell does he know about anything? I may have had an office job, but when the company took the physical fitness test after the end of training, ole ‘Stud’ didn’t pass, but I did. Not only that, but I earned an Expert Rifleman’s badge. I didn’t serve in a combat zone, but I did learn a few things in the army, and they will serve me well when I am president.”

We aren’t surprised that politicians are playing dirty games to try to knock Perrin out of the race. He is the only Independent candidate who has a chance of winning against the two major party candidates.