BRIBES

Democrat Carl Perrin tries to present himself as a squeaky-clean candidate, but stories are now surfacing that he collected bribes, hundreds of them in his long career as an English teacher. He never solicited bribes per se, but he talked about chocolate enough that his students knew that it wouldn’t hurt if they brought him a chocolate bar.

“It’s true,” Perrin admits, “students did bring me chocolate, but it was never really a bribe. I never offered to raise a student’s grade if he brought me some chocolate. Of course they knew that chocolate always put me in a good mood, and they wanted me to be in a good mood when I was correcting their papers.”

Perrin insists that students brought him chocolate because they liked him, not because they hoped to bribe him.

PERRIN CONFESSES

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin took the bull by the horns and confessed that he is a chocoholic. A lot of people, although they admire the former English professor, were concerned about having a man with Perrin’s weakness for chocolate in the White House.

Speaking before a group of six or seven senior citizens in his retirement village, the candidate sought to reassure the public that they had nothing to fear from having a chocoholic president. “It’s not like I’d go on a chocolate binge and then go crazy and declare Venezuela, Cuba, and Bolivia an axes of evil, and then invade oil-rich Venezuela to prevent it from putting a strangle hold on South America.” Perrin chuckled at the ridiculousness of such an idea.

Perrin admitted that he does have a craving for chocolate, but he insisted, “I can keep it under control. I just limit myself to three or four chocolate bars a day, and everything is fine.”

Sexual Orientation Revealed

PERRIN REVEALS SEXUAL ORIENTATION

The photo of Carl Perrin and “Natashia” that came to light last week has led some people to raise questions about Perrin’s sexuality. In the photo, a mustachioed “Natashia”, smoking a cigar and wearing a dress, has an arm around Perrin’s shoulder. Perrin is wearing his reserve officer’s uniform. To some it hardly seems credible that Perrin, a Ph. D., didn’t even notice that “Natashia” had a mustache. “Anyway, we were just friends,” the candidate insisted.

For a long time under intense questioning by reporters, Perrin kept avoiding the issue of his sexual orientation. At last, he broke down and confessed that he is a heterosexual. “Not only am I a heterosexual,” he said, “but my sexual orientation is directly related to my having been married three times. At least with me, you won’t have to worry about my chasing male congressional pages around.”

While he was in a confessional mood, Perrin went on to reveal another shortcoming. He disclosed that he is a chocoholic. He admits that he has a chocolate bar “now and then,” but insists that he is able to keep his craving for chocolate under control. “I’m not going to go on a chocolate binge and send the army to invade Newfoundland or anything like that.”