OFFICE OF TRUTH IN SCIENCE
White House spokesman Xavier Phloxm announced today that the administration is going to open an Agency for Truth in Science. “These scientists who work for the government, they’re a great bunch of guys and gals, and they’re doing a heck of a job,” Ploxm said, “but sometimes they get carried away with this science stuff.” Ploxm went on to point out that the scientists want to make decisions based on science without any regard for the political or business implications.
Some of them get caught up in liberal causes like Special Olympics, sex education, and global warming. They want to encourage young, unmarried people to used condoms, when everyone knows that abstinence is the moral way to go. They want to make reports about the danger of second-hand smoke without even considering the economic costs of such reports to the tobacco companies. They keep trying to trot out their opinions on stem cell research, when they should know that the administration has already made up its mind on the issue. They keep trying to bring out reports about inadequate health care in prisons. They entirely overlook that the people in prison are criminals. Why should they have adequate health care? And who is going to pay for it?
The new Agency for Truth in Science will have operatives in every federal agency. Their job will be to help scientists see the big picture, the political and business impact of their reports, not the scientific side. They will also make sure that every page in speeches given by bureaucrats will contain favorable references to our glorious leader three times.