IS PERRIN REALLY SERIOUS?

We hear that former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is considering another run for the Oval Office. All we can say is, Is the man really serious? Come on, he’s 80 years old. He never makes appointments for anything in the afternoon because it might interfere with his nap. He’s so hard of hearing that he misses half of what people say to him, even when he is wearing his hearing aids! Finally, let’s face it: He’s boring! He wrote several textbooks about business writing and resume writing. How boring is that? He has a web site called “The Grammar Doctor. The Grammar Doctor! Can you imagine how dull that is? He didn’t get a single electoral vote in the 2008 election. Why is he wasting everyone’s time?

Consider some of the other candidates for office:

Mike Huckabee thought that Obama had grown up in Kenya. When someone called him on that misinformation, he tried to pretend it was a slip of the tongue. He really meant to say “Indonesia.”

Michele Bachmann thinks the American Revolution started in Concord, NH, and that the Founding Fathers ended slavery.

Newt Gingrich managed to shut down the government when he was Speaker of the House. He was one of the hypocritical leaders in the fight to impeach President Clinton for his misdeeds with Lewinski, while the speaker himself was cheating on his wife. However, Gingrich’s infidelity was motivated, he said, by patriotism.

Sharon Angle, running for Congress, believes that unemployment is high because people would rather sit on their asses and collect unemployment than go out and get a job. She also is against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest, because everything is “part of God’s plan.”

Sarah Palin’s incoherent prose is matched only by her ignorance of current events.

In comparison Carl Perrin looks pretty good. Despite his age, he has plenty of energy until it is time for his nap. Although a lot of people don’t know him, he did build some name recognition in his first campaign for the presidency. Finally he ran on an issue that is dear to the hearts of American men and women: cheap beer.

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN?

When former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin flew to St. Louis in February, political insiders naturally wondered if he was taking a swing through the Midwest in preparation for a new campaign.

In answer to reporters’ questions about his intentions, Perrin smiled and said, “I used to live in St. Louis. I’m here just to visit family.”

A reporter from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch asked right out, “Are you going to run for office in 2012?”

“I’m not ruling anything out,” the former candidate replied.

Although this was supposedly a family visit, Perrin did go on a tour of one of St Louis’ better-known businesses, the Anheuser-Busch brewery. The candidate can be seen above holding one of the free beers he got at the end of the tour. In 2008 he campaigned on the issue of cheap beer for American men and women. “The only thing better than cheap beer,” he said, “is free beer.”

A HEX ON TAXES

Like other Western governments, the government of Romania is feeling the pinch financially. They tried to increase revenue by putting an income tax on self-employed people—like astrologers, fortune tellers, and witches. Big Mistake. The witches in particular are incensed. They are casting spells on the government that initiated the tax on their businesses.

An especially powerful group, the Violet Flame, practices on Thursday. To protect themselves, members of the government wear mauve every Thursday because that protects them against the evil attacks.

Meanwhile, back in the U S, former Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell still insists she is not a witch. Nevertheless, she is unhappy about the IRS because it is investigating what has been called a misuse of campaign funds for her personal use.

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin takes Ms. O’Donnell at her word when she says she is not a witch. However, Perrin has questioned O’Donnell’s qualification for the Senate. He has taken to wearing mauve every Thursday. He doesn’t believe in any of that witchcraft stuff, but why take a chance. You never can tell.

WILL PERRIN RETURN TO NATIONAL POLITICS?

New Hampshire senator Judd Gregg is being considered for the position of Secretary of Commerce. We think it would be a good move for many reasons. Gregg played a major part in last year’s banking bailout, so he seems a natural for the position in these troubled economic times. Further, it would be a goodwill gesture toward the Republicans because Gregg is a Republican. However the governor of New Hampshire, John Lynch, is a Democrat. Although Lynch is very independent, it seems unlikely that he would not appoint another Democrat to the position. That would leave the Democrats in a stronger position in the Senate, where they have a majority but not enough members to stifle a filibuster.

The situation leaves Governor Lynch is a precarious position. Whom will he choose to replace Gregg if Gregg in fact becomes Commerce Secretary? Obviously he can’t sell the seat. Rod Blagojevich ruined the chance of any other governor to do that. Nor can he pull a Governor Paterson, who hemmed and hawed and finally appointed Kirsten Gillibrand, a Republican who merely pretended to be a Democrat, so she could pick up a few votes from Democrats who don’t read the newspapers.

Fortunately, there is an easy way out for the New Hampshire governor. Retired English professor, Dr. Carl Perrin, a former presidential candidate, has a strong New Hampshire background. He grew up in the state, graduated from high school in Amherst, NH, holds a BA and an M.Ed. degree from New Hampshire schools. He began his teaching career in Hollis, NH. He even once was a member of the New Hampshire National Guard.

Who could be more natural?

INAUGURATION FESTIVITIES

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has not yet received his invitation to the inaugural festivities. Perrin is sure it is an oversight. Some low-ranking clerk forgot to send the message to the former candidate. Or maybe the invitations haven’t been sent yet. There are still over forty days to the big event.

The former English professor ran first in the Democratic primary. When he failed to win the Democratic nomination, he ran as a Family Values candidate, running under that aegis because he has been married three times. True, Perrin did not win any delegates in either race, but he graciously withdrew at the eleventh from the November vote, throwing his weight behind Barack Obama. While Perrin didn’t have that many followers, his withdrawal was a symbolic gesture, a generous offer to back the young man who became president-elect.

Obama’s strongest opponent in the primaries has now been named as the Secretary of State in the Obama administration. You can be sure that she will be dancing at the Inaugural Ball. Perrin admits that he still hopes to become part of the Obama administration, perhaps as head of a commission to keep the price of beer affordable to American working men and women.

The former English professor is hoping that this message will get to someone on Obama’s transition team. Just check out the breakdown in communications and be sure that Perrin gets his invitation. He is keeping his calendar clear so he can attend the big party.

SEXIEST MAN OF THE YEAR?

PERRIN LOSES OUT AGAIN
PEOPLE magazine has named some actor named Hugh Jackman the Sexiest Man Alive for this year. What's wrong with them? They could have named the handsome devil above. It's time the title stopped going to all those young guys.

New Jersey denizen Dr. Carl Perrin was not even considered, even though he is the leading man in the village’s Bare Bones Theatre. Perrin keeps hoping that next year he will be the magazine’s sexiest man of the year. If that doesn’t happen soon, the former English professor is considering a suit against the magazine for age discrimination. The AARP is looking into it also.

PERRIN WITHDRAWS FROM THE RACE

In a stunning eleventh hour development, Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has withdrawn from the presidential election.

Perrin admitted that he had known for a long time that he didn’t have much chance to win the election. Why, then, bother even to withdraw at this late date?

“Although I knew I couldn’t win,” the candidate told our reporter, “I do have a big following. I was afraid that my supporters would draw votes away from Obama and throw the election to McCain and the moose lady.” I didn’t want to the American people what Ralph Nader did in 2000. I didn’t want to have that on my conscience.

“I want to thank all the people who supported my campaign, especially all those Mainers who raised money for me by picking up returnable cans and bottles. I hope I will be able to work with President Obama to keep cheap beer flowing to American men and women.

“I wish Obama well, and I have confidence that he will be an outstanding president. But if I am disappointed, I will be around for the next election. I will be only 82 in 2012. Don’t forget Konrad Adenauer was Chancellor of Germany until the age 87.”

PRESS CATCHES UP WITH ROSIE

A reporter from the Portland Press Herald finally caught up with vice presidential candidate Rosie Thibideau. It was clear that she had spent her time well in preparing for the interview. The reporter Sean Crakajak asked her about the economic crisis facing the country. Ms Thibideau shuffled through a stack of flash cards seeking an answer.

“Sorry, I can’t find my answer to that right now, but I’ll have my staff get back to you.”

“Well, can you at least give us Carl. Perrin’s view on what should be done about the issue?”

Rosie hesitated for only a second before replying, “Dr. Perrin has been a leader on this and other issues facing the nation. I’m sure he has given a lot of thought to the question, and whatever he recommends will be an improvement on what the other candidates suggest.”

“Could we just ask you about foreign relations? A couple of weeks ago you said you understood foreign relations because you had a lot of relatives in Canada. Do you really believe that having Canadian relatives makes you an expert?”

“I never claimed to be an expert, but I do understand Canada. My grandparents on both sides were born in Canada. I go to Canada often. Half the time I do my grocery shopping there.”

DR PERRIN GOES TO WASHINGTON

Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is suspending his campaign until the economic crisis is taken care of. Although he is not sure what he will do about it when he gets to Washington, Perrin says he isn’t going to run around campaigning when the country is in a crisis. “I’m going to think of my country first and do the patriotic thing,” he says. “I’m even pulling my political ads for the time being.”

One reporter pointed out that rumor had it that the Perrin campaign didn’t have enough money to pay for any more ads. The candidate fixed the reporter with an icy glare. “Don’t bring up irrelevant issues,” he said. “Even if I had hundreds of dollars in my campaign fund, I wouldn’t be spending the money and time when my country needs me.”

THEY’VE MADE A MONSTER OUT OF ROSIE

A lot of Rosie Thibideau’s friends are saying they don’t recognize her since Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose her to be his running mate in the upcoming election. She took a leave of absence from her job at Hank Danford’s garage. A lot of her customers are postponing work on their cars until after the election. They are planning to vote against her because they don’t know where they would take their cars and pickups for repairs if she got elected and moved out of town. “Rosie is the best,” one man said. “That’s why I don’t want to see her leave Madawaska.”

“Rosie don’t look the same no more,” according to store owner Orville Henderson. “She’s wearing lipstick.” One store patron added, “She ain’t worn lipstick since she was sixteen.”

“And what about them pants suits?” another asked. “When I saw her in a pants suit, handing out flyers, for a minute I thought it Hillary Clinton. I don’t think I’ve seen Rosie wear anything but jeans since she got married.”

“It’s a damned shame,” her boss Hank Danforth said. “Ever since that newspaper guy got her all mixed up about the state of Georgia and the country of Georgia, the Perrin campaign won’t let her talk to the press by herself. She’s home in her trailer right now, studying maps and things about different countries and stuff.”

PERRIN RESPONDS TO CRITICS

Followers of the two major parties are charging that Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose Rosie Thibideau as his running mate not for her qualifications but in an outrageous bid to win more votes. Having a woman on the ticket, they charge, is motivated solely to get more woman to vote for him in the upcoming election. Even more important than that, some say, is that Rosie Thibideau will gain him some credibility with conservatives. After all, until a few months ago, Perrin was running as a Democrat who was promising to hold down the price of beer. Finally, they say, Ms. Thibideau has no qualifications to serve as President of the U.S.

Perrin pooh poohs such allegations. “I didn’t even think of her as a woman,” he says. “People in Madawaska agree that she’s the best damned mechanic in town. She is a take-charge person. When Hank Danforth isn’t at the garage, she is in charge. She has executive experience. Furthermore, for the past dozen years she has single-handedly fought a battle against the secular humanists in the school system.” She is definitely a fighter, the kind of vice president, Perrin implies, that will help him turn Washington around.

There was some flap when she seemed to mistake Georgia in the Caucasus with the Peach State, but she later explained that the question took her by surprise. “Anyway,” she said, “if those Russkies try to attack the state of Georgia, we will whip their ass.”

ROSIE THIBIDEAU’S BACKGROUND

The Perrin campaign continues to keep Rosie Thibideau away from the media, so we sent our reporter to Madawaska, Maine, to see what we could find out about her. She certainly has an inspiring story. Most of the citizens from Madawaska whom we talk to thought she was ready to be president from day one if something happened to 77-year-old Dr. Carl Perrin.

Until her deadbeat ex-husband walked out on her, she home schooled her three children: 12-year old Mercedes, 10-year old Frankie, and 7-year old Mitsy. Rather than go on welfare, she got a job working in Danforth’s Garage in Madawaska. As a girl Rosie learned how to tinker with cars, and she is a gifted mechanic.

According to her boss Hank Danforth, Rosie isn’t afraid to get a little grease under her fingernails. “She can just listen to motor and tell you what’s wrong with it. Not only that, but she can take any motor apart and put it back together in two hours.” Danforth thinks his employee will make a great vice president. “When I ain’t here, she’s in charge,” he said, “so she knows how to run things.” Although Danforth wishes Rosie success in her political career, he hates the thought of losing her. “She’s the best mechanic I ever had. She’s twice as good as any man.”

Ms Thibideau would not pose for picture, but she was quite comely in her flannel shirt, faded jeans, and Bean boots. Unlike the governor of Alaska, Rosie does not wear lipstick on put any of that other stuff on her face.

Besides raising her three children and working on cars, Rosie is a member of the Madawaska Fire and Rescue team, pictured above. Unfortunately, she was not present on the day the picture was taken.

VEEP SARAH

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters that Governor Sarah Palin has the instincts to make an excellent vice president. “Every time I had to get out of sight, I had to go to an undisclosed location, but Sarah hides in plain view. She gets up in front of huge crowds and wows them with snappy comments. She’s fine just as long as they keep the press away from her. Those nosey buggers from the media all want to dig into her background and ask embarrassing questions. No wonder John McCain wants to keep them away from her. They should have some respect for her privacy.”

Sarah Palin is a strong, independent woman, and we could all learn something from her. In her first 18 months on the job as governor of Alaska, she got a $60-a-day per diem allowance for the nights she spent at home rather than at the state’s capital. During that time she spent 300 nights at her house in Wasilla, earning some $18,000 just for staying home! Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has nothing but admiration for the Alaska governor. He would like to talk to her and find out more about that $60-a-day per diem. When he is elected, he plans to spend most of his time at home, and he wants to get $60 a day for sleeping in his own bed.

BIAS IN THE MAIN STREAM MEDIA

From the very beginning the press has shown favoritism to Senator Barack Obama. And it gets more pronounced every day. He goes to Iraq to build up his foreign policy credentials, and we see pictures of him in a helicopter with General Petraeus getting a tour of the area.

At the same time we get pictures of Senator John McCain in a golf cart with Daddy Bush in Kennebunkport, Maine. The Republican candidate has already been to Iraq umpteen times. We recall pictures of him in a flak jacket surrounded by a battalion of troops as he walked through a “safe” street in Baghdad.

The press doesn’t even cover the campaign of conservative Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. Had they been on the ball, they could have caught a picture of Perrin pedaling around his retirement village and his three-wheeler, saving gasoline and getting his exercise at once. The press has pretty much ignored Perrin, despite voters’interest in his cheap beer platform.

Both McCain and Perrin have moved to the right during this campaign. McCain took more conservative positions in order to appeal to the Republican base. Perrin, once a candidate for the Democratic nomination is now running in the Family Values party. The liberal bias of the press is well known, but maybe something more is at stake here. McCain and Perrin are both geezers. The main stream media seems more interested in following that young guy. People seem to forget: geezers vote, and they won’t forget that two prominent senior citizens have been ignored.

CRITICS QUESTION PERRIN ‘S FOREIGN SERVICE EXPERIENCE

Critics of conservative Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin are questioning his qualification to be president. He doesn’t have any experience in foreign relations. He’s never even been out of the United States, they charge. He calls himself a Korean War veteran, but he was never in Korea at all.

Perrin spokesman Aristotle Mongoose says that these charges are unfounded. “Dr. Perrin,” he says, “has traveled to Canada several times. He even speaks French a little. The army didn’t send him to Korea, but they did send him to South Carolina and assigned him, a New England Yankee, to the Dixie Division. He managed to get along with them good ole boys from the South and even learned to drink that white lightning.

“Furthermore,” Mongoose points out, “Although Perrin never visited any foreign countries except Canada and South Carolina, lots of foreign students came to him. In his teaching career he has had students from all over the world.”

Unfortunately, mention of alcoholic beverages opens Perrin to another charge. He tries to present himself as a champion of cheap beer, they say, but we have pictures of him holding a martini glass, and we understand he is brewing home-made wine.

ARE PERRIN SUPPORTERS READY TO GET BEHIND OBAMA?

Dr. Carl Perrin has dropped from the presidential race and thrown his support to Senator Barack Obama. Some of Perrin’s followers, however, are not yet ready to cry “uncle.” Although Obama clearly appreciates and needs the former English professor’s backing, he has not yet offered jobs to any of Perrin’s former staffers. On that subject, a spokesperson from Obama headquarters said, “Perrin didn’t have any paid staff people. Everyone who worked on the Perrin campaign was a volunteer. We’re perfectly willing to let them volunteer for us.”

While former candidate Carl Perrin would like to see his campaign workers get a job in the Obama operation, he is more interested in getting a job for himself in the Obama administration. He has some really great ideas on how to keep the price of beer within reach for working American men and women. Obama headquarters has Perrin’s telephone number and e-mail address. He is waiting to hear from them.

WILL PERRIN PULL OUT OF THE RACE?

Now that the end is in sight, super delegates are rushing to endorse Barack Obama’s campaign. Former presidential candidate John Edwards has thrown his weight behind Obama. Democratic leaders are calling for Senator Clinton to pull out so that the party will be unified in its fight for the White House in the general election.

Surprisingly, no one has called for Dr. Carl Perrin to withdraw his candidacy, even though he has run a strong campaign based on a platform of cheap beer. For a while analysts speculated that Perrin was hoping for Hillary and Barack to go to the convention with the vote split between them. According to this scenario, the convention would then have to come up with a compromise candidate, someone who could pull the party together. And who would be better in this role than Carl Perrin?

Both Clinton and Perrin have their motives for hanging in there by their fingernails. If Clinton stays in just a little while longer, she might be able to raise a little more money to pay off the huge debt that her campaign has generated. Perrin, on the other hand, may be hoping that the senator from Illinois might offer him some soft job in his administration.

Not so fast, insiders say. While Perrin may recognize that he has little chance of winning the Democratic nomination, nothing will prevent him from running as an Independent. During the time that Perrin lived in Maine, it had two Independent governors. Connecticut and Vermont have Independent senators. It would be a big mistake to write Perrin off too soon.

IS PERRIN PLANNING TO RUN FOR CONGRESS—AS A REPUBLICAN?!

Inside sources tell us that Dr Carl Perrin is beginning to see that he has no hope of winning that Democratic nomination. He may even be thinking of dropping out of that race and entering another race—as a Republican!

This is a bad year for Republicans. Between the war and the economy, voters are blaming the GOP for everything that’s wrong with Washington and the country. The party is finding it difficult to find candidates to run for congressional seats.

According to what we hear, the Republican leadership is trying to recruit some erstwhile Democratic candidates to run as Republicans. "Once you get in office,” they say, “you can vote your conscience. We will help you get elected because we want to have some nominal Republicans elected, so we won’t look so bad in November.” Insiders tell us that Dr. Carl Perrin is one of those who has been approached by the GOP.

We have been told that Perrin is considering the offer. The job pays $169,300 a year. That’s a lot more than he ever made as a teacher. Beside that, there are a lot of benefits that he finds appealing.

Perrin denies that he is considering a run for Congress and insists that he is still in the running for the Democratic nomination .

BRIBES

Democrat Carl Perrin tries to present himself as a squeaky-clean candidate, but stories are now surfacing that he collected bribes, hundreds of them in his long career as an English teacher. He never solicited bribes per se, but he talked about chocolate enough that his students knew that it wouldn’t hurt if they brought him a chocolate bar.

“It’s true,” Perrin admits, “students did bring me chocolate, but it was never really a bribe. I never offered to raise a student’s grade if he brought me some chocolate. Of course they knew that chocolate always put me in a good mood, and they wanted me to be in a good mood when I was correcting their papers.”

Perrin insists that students brought him chocolate because they liked him, not because they hoped to bribe him.

HILLARY GETS NY TIMES ENDORSEMENT

Today’s New York Times endorsed Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. The Times was enticed by Obama’s potential but felt that his promise was still amorphous while Mrs. Clinton has proven her leadership qualities in national security as well as in the domestic area.

The editorial stated that they have enjoyed John Edwards’ fiery oratory, but he has repudiated so many of his former positions that they don’t know where he stands.

Dennis Kucinich, in the meantime, finally showed some good sense by dropping out of the race, which he could not hope to win.

The Times didn’t even mention Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, who is still in the race. Though the New York Times ignored Perrin, Leisure Times endorsed him:

LEISURE TIMES ENDORSES PERRIN
Because of his service to humanity, his outstanding accomplishments, and his good looks, this newspaper endorses the candidacy of Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin is the only candidate, Democrat or Republican, who promises to keep beer affordable for the average American.

Perrin is also the only candidate who placed a paid political advertisement in this paper. In the upcoming primaries and caucuses in your state, we urge to vote for Dr. Carl Perrin.