BOOK REVIEW

If you like to read about political idiots, Paul Slanksy’s Idiots, Hypocrites, Demagogues, and More Idiots, published by Bloombury, is the book for you. It skewers both Democrats and Republicans, although the latter, for some reason, have a lot more space devoted to their stupid comments.

Former vice president Dan Quayle is well represented among the first group:

Talking about child-care, he told one audience, “We understand the importance of having the bondage between the parent and the child.”

He told another group, “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

He referred to members of Bush’s team who had treated him with contempt during the campaign. Now they would have to deal with him. “I’m the vice president,’ he said. “They know it, and they know that I know it.”

Congresswoman Helen Chenoweth is among the hypocrites represented in the book. After strongly denouncing Bill Clinton for his dalliance with the Lewinsky bimbo, Chenoweth was found to have had an affair with a married man in the 1980s. Her indiscretion, however, occurred, she told reporters, “when I was a private citizen and a single woman.”

Loudmouth Rush Limbaugh frequently attacked drug addicts and called for their imprisonment. In 2003 he admitted that he was addicted to OxyContin.

Dick Cheney referred to water boarding as a “dunk in the water.”

Told to put out a cigar in a restaurant because of federal regulations, Congressman Tom Delay, “I am the federal government.”

I chuckled through most of the book, though sometimes I gasped in horror to realize that these were the people running the country. Some of Nixon’s comments revealed on tape were truly horrifying.

The book costs $14.95. It’s worth every penny. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for you liberal friends for Christmas presents.

IT ISN’T FAIR!

Some people have all the luck. A prime example is hair. Some people have more hair than they really need, while others get left out. It’s not just vanity; hair can really help men be successful in life.

A case in point is former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin. Two years ago Perrin threw his hat into the ring as a candidate for the Democratic nomination for the presidency. Unfortunately, the voting public found it hard to take a bald man seriously. When it became clear to him that he was never going to win the Democratic nomination, Perrin switched to the Family Values Party. Few people donated money to his campaign, and he wasn’t able to advertise nationally. His candidacy did not even make a blip on the radar screen. If he had more hair, Perrin is convinced he would have been more credible as a candidate.

On the other hand, we have Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who has hair all over the place. Carl Perrin’s mother told him that envy was not an admirable trait, but he can’t help but wonder, if he had hair like the Illinois governor, he could have been the one trying to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat.

SHARING THE PAIN

Things are really tough on Wall Street. Senior executives at Merrill Lynch will not be getting a bonus this year. The top three executives at Morgan Stanley can forget about their bonuses this year also. However, the 14-member operating committee will still get a bonus, but it will be cut by 75 percent. The president of a New York finance-recruiting firm said, “Clearly they’re trying to spread the pain out a little bit.”

Merrill Lynch CEO John A. Thain requested a $10 million bonus. He had saved the company from ruin by selling it to Bank of America. When New York attorney general Andrew Cuomo and others protested paying a bonus to Thain, he withdrew his request.

Former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin wants to share Wall Street’s pain. Instead of paying that $10 million to John A. Thain, why not give it to a deserving professor like Perrin. The professor would not even object to having the bonus cut by 75 percent. He would be satisfied with $2.5 million.

INAUGURATION FESTIVITIES

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has not yet received his invitation to the inaugural festivities. Perrin is sure it is an oversight. Some low-ranking clerk forgot to send the message to the former candidate. Or maybe the invitations haven’t been sent yet. There are still over forty days to the big event.

The former English professor ran first in the Democratic primary. When he failed to win the Democratic nomination, he ran as a Family Values candidate, running under that aegis because he has been married three times. True, Perrin did not win any delegates in either race, but he graciously withdrew at the eleventh from the November vote, throwing his weight behind Barack Obama. While Perrin didn’t have that many followers, his withdrawal was a symbolic gesture, a generous offer to back the young man who became president-elect.

Obama’s strongest opponent in the primaries has now been named as the Secretary of State in the Obama administration. You can be sure that she will be dancing at the Inaugural Ball. Perrin admits that he still hopes to become part of the Obama administration, perhaps as head of a commission to keep the price of beer affordable to American working men and women.

The former English professor is hoping that this message will get to someone on Obama’s transition team. Just check out the breakdown in communications and be sure that Perrin gets his invitation. He is keeping his calendar clear so he can attend the big party.

SEXIEST MAN OF THE YEAR?

PERRIN LOSES OUT AGAIN
PEOPLE magazine has named some actor named Hugh Jackman the Sexiest Man Alive for this year. What's wrong with them? They could have named the handsome devil above. It's time the title stopped going to all those young guys.

New Jersey denizen Dr. Carl Perrin was not even considered, even though he is the leading man in the village’s Bare Bones Theatre. Perrin keeps hoping that next year he will be the magazine’s sexiest man of the year. If that doesn’t happen soon, the former English professor is considering a suit against the magazine for age discrimination. The AARP is looking into it also.

WELL, SHUT MY MOUTH!

What a shame! Ann Coulter had a bad fall last month and fractured her jaw. Now her jaw is wired shut. Does that mean we aren’t going to be able to hear her tell how liberals are conspiring to turn the country over to terrorists? That Democrats are trying to undermine the moral character of the country? That progressives are planning to sell out the nation? Who is going to tell us that we are going to hell in a hand basket now that the Democrats are going to gain power in Washington? Is this the end?

I almost forgot. We still have Sarah. Yes, Sarah Palin can tell the country that the president-elect pals around with terrorists. That when the Ruskies attack, they will hit Alaska first. That she needs some more clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue. That she is prepared to be president in 2012. Thank God. For a minute I thought the country would be in trouble without Ann warning us against the danger from liberals.

BOOK DEAL

We hear that Sarah Palin is going to get a book deal that will bring her $7 million. You can buy a lot of clothes with that kind of money.

Sarah isn’t the only former VP candidate who is earning some money for a literary project. Rosie Thibideau of Maine earned ten thousand from a national publication. The Enquirer paid the former Family Values vice presidential candidate and Madawaska mechanic for exclusive rights to her story.

“I was surprised when they offered that much money for my story,” Rosie said. “Actually they seemed more interested in trying to find some dirt on Carl Perrin, but Jeez, the guy is 78 years old. How much hanky-panky can you expect from a guy that age?”

ROSIE HAS A GARAGE SALE

Sarah Palin isn’t the only one who had to decide what to do with a bunch of clothes that the party bought for her. When she went back to Alaska after the election, she had $150,000 worth of clothes from places like Saks Fifth Avenue. When all those liberals raised a stink about the GOP spending that much money on the VP candidate, she said that the clothes weren’t hers to keep. They were just to wear during the campaign. After all, you can’t wear the same outfit day after day if you want to look successful. In between her various speaking engagements, she is sorting out the clothes she had before the campaign and the clothes bought by the Republican party.

Ms Palin isn’t the only one facing that kind of problem. Family Values VP candidate Rosie Thibideau didn’t have a lot of clothes to wear as she campaigned. She was and is a mechanic at the Madawaska garage, so most of the time she wears jeans. She would have been happy to put on a clean pair of jeans on the campaign trail, but campaign operatives insisted that she dress up a bit. They held a few bake sales and such to raise over $500 for new clothes for Rosie. She spent most of it where she usually buys clothes, at WalMart.

Now she wants to get rid of those “political” clothes. She feels more comfortable in jeans anyway. She explains that she has always had one dress that she wears maybe once a year, and she doesn’t need any more fancy duds. The rest of that stuff is going into a garage sale. That includes a pair of high heels. She much prefers her usual work boots. “Can you imagine me wearing high heels while I’m taking an engine apart?” she asked.

EXPENSIVE BEER

If you order a pint of beer in an English pub, it will cost you about $5.00. Yes! Five dollars! That’s outrageous! Unless something is done, five-dollar-a-pint beer will be coming to America.

Ethanol is the reason for the big run-up in the cost of beer. Farmers are switching from other crops to grow corn to be made into ethanol. That has pushed up the price of food around the world and the cost of beer.

In theory ethanol seems like a good thing. The more ethanol we put into our gas tanks, the less petroleum. We reduce our dependence on foreign oil and help the environment at the same time. When gasoline costs $4.00 a gallon, ethanol costs less than gas, a win-win situation.

The problem is, when gas costs $2.00 a gallon, it is cheaper than ethanol. But that isn’t the real problem. The real problem is that ethanol really isn’t any better than petroleum for the environment. When woodlands are cleared to make room for corn crops, we lose the carbon dioxide absorbing quality of all those trees, thus releasing more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. So ethanol made from corn costs motorists more than gasoline, and its influence on the environment in the long run is the same of that of petroleum.

The influence of ethanol on the economy is negative. Food costs more and becomes scarcer in third-world countries. And the price of beer keeps going up.

Let’s stop this madness before beer becomes too expensive for Joe the plumber and other ordinary Americans.

SARAH IN 2012

Sarah Palin has already started her campaign for the presidency in 2012. She is going to spend the next four years visiting Africa and some other countries so she will know more about the outside world. Of course, as she will be the first to admit, she already knows a lot about Russia because she can see it from her kitchen window.

She has nothing but praise for John McCain, God bless him, for bringing her onto the national scene, and nothing but scorn for some of his aides. They tried to control everything she said or did and then leaked false stories to the press after McCain lost. “My rallies attracted more people than John’s did,” she said, “and his aides tried to blame it on me.”

“Barack Obama won the election,” she said, “but it won’t take too long for real Americans to get tired of a politician who pals around with terrorists. By 2012 the people will be ready for a candidate who really loves America. But I'm going to get some real pros to advise me, people like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.”

PERRIN WITHDRAWS FROM THE RACE

In a stunning eleventh hour development, Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has withdrawn from the presidential election.

Perrin admitted that he had known for a long time that he didn’t have much chance to win the election. Why, then, bother even to withdraw at this late date?

“Although I knew I couldn’t win,” the candidate told our reporter, “I do have a big following. I was afraid that my supporters would draw votes away from Obama and throw the election to McCain and the moose lady.” I didn’t want to the American people what Ralph Nader did in 2000. I didn’t want to have that on my conscience.

“I want to thank all the people who supported my campaign, especially all those Mainers who raised money for me by picking up returnable cans and bottles. I hope I will be able to work with President Obama to keep cheap beer flowing to American men and women.

“I wish Obama well, and I have confidence that he will be an outstanding president. But if I am disappointed, I will be around for the next election. I will be only 82 in 2012. Don’t forget Konrad Adenauer was Chancellor of Germany until the age 87.”

EBEN DANFORTH ENDORSES OBAMA

Former supporters of Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin are deserting him in large numbers and switching their allegiance to Barack Obama. Even longtime friends and family are leaving him in the lurch.

On in-law who refused to be named said, “Carl never had a chance. He thinks he’s such a smarty pants, but when you get right down to it, he don’t know shit.”

A former Perrin supporter from Madawaska told us, “He made a mistake in choosing Rosie Thibideau for a running mate. I mean Rosie’s a great gal, and she’s the best damn mechanic in Madawaska, but she shouldn’t be a heart beat away from a 78-year-old president.”

Even Eben Danforth from Grangely, Maine, told us he was going to vote for Obama. Perrin was flabbergasted when he learned this. “Eben Danforth!” he said. “He’s a literary character. I invented him. He can’t vote for Barack Obama!”

At this point things look grim for the Family Values candidate.

THIBIDEAU WANTS MONEY FOR NEW CLOTHES

Family Values Vice Presidential candidate Rosie Thibdeau wants the party to spend some money for new clothes for her. Noting that the Republican campaign spent $150,000 for fancy new duds for Sarah Palin, Thibeau says, “If the Family Values party wants to win, they have to look like winners.”

Rosie acknowledges that the FV campaign is way behind in the polls, even behind Ralph Nader. “But if we have any hope of winning,” she says, “we have to look like winners.”

Ms Thibideau does not plan to spend her clothing allowance at Neiman Marcus or Saks Fifth Avenue like the Republican VP candidate, nor does she does she expect or even want $150,000 to spend on clothes. “If I could get a couple of thousand, I could get me a real fancy wardrobe. I’d get the clothes at Walmart, just like I always do.”

LET’S HEAR IT FOR FAMILY VALUES

Florida congressman Tim Mahoney was elected in 2006 to replace disgraced congressman Mark Foley. Foley gave up his reelection campaign and resigned his seat after his naughty messages to male congressional pages were made public. In his campaign for the congress, Mahoney promised that no one would catch him doing what Foley had done.

True to his word, Congressman Mahoney kept his escapades strictly heterosexual. A few days ago news of his affair with a campaign aide became public. While he was running on a family values campaign to replace Mark Foley, he was conducting a little extra-curricular thing with campaign aide Patricia Allen. Later he spent over $140,000 to keep Allen from blabbing about their activities.

Now it comes out that his wife and Ms Allen were not enough to keep him satisfied. It seems that Mahoney had an affair with a “high-ranking Martin County official” in 2007. This was while he was lobbying FEMA to reimburse Martin County for damage caused by hurricanes. Obviously Mahoney is a man who knows how to mix business with pleasure.

The congressman says that his wife has known about the affairs for several months, the payoff money did not come from campaign contributions, and he did nothing illegal. That’s reassuring. For while we thought that the family values crusader had done something wrong.

Mahoney admits that he had "multiple" other affairs, though he couldn't say how many, because he had lost count. "You're asking me over a lifetime?” he asked. “I'm just saying I've been unfaithful and I'm sorry for that.”

SAVE US FROM McCAIN’S ECONOMIC PLAN

We talked with Maxine Pelletier of Westbrook, ME, a single working Mom. Ms Pelletier is a lifelong Republican who plans to vote for John McCain. The main reason for her voting decision, she says, is that Obama is going to raise taxes, and McCain isn’t. “We don’t need anymore taxes,” she says.

“You must be doing pretty well at your job waiting on table at the Westbrook Diner,” we said. "The taxes will be raised on people making over a quarter of a million dollars a year.”

She conceded that she wouldn’t come anyway near that much money, but there are other parts of McCain’s tax plan, she insisted.

“You mean like cutting the tax on capital gains. You must have done pretty well in the stock market.”

“Are you kidding?” she asked. “Where would I get money to put in the stock market? But I like what Senator McCain says about eliminating burdensome regulations on business?”

“The country wouldn’t be in the mess it is today if the Bush administration had applied more regulation on the4 housing and credit businesses.”

“Well, McCain is going to give us a $5,000 medical tax credit.”

“He’s also going to tax the cost of the medical insurance your company pays. It will end up costing you more for insurance.”

“Anyway, I trust his judgment.”:

“Sarah Palin.”

PERRIN DEFENDS RUNNING MATE

Detractors have criticized Family Values candidate Dr Carl Perrin’s choice of running mate, Rosie Thibideau of Madawaska, ME. Yesterday Perrin came out with a strong defense of Thibideau.

While conceding that Ms Thibideau did not go to college, he pointed out that she earned a GED from Madawaska High School. Until her deadbeat husband abandoned her, she home schooled her three children. After that she was elected to the Madawaska School Board, where she served for two years. “She knows a lot more about education than a lot of college graduates,” the former English professor asserted.

Thibideau is a single mom, working as a mechanic to support her three children. Many Madawaskans insist, doggone it, that she is the best mechanic in town.

Living right on the border of Canada, Rosie has first-hand insights to foreign relations. In fact she has relatives in Canada. She even does a lot of her shopping in Canada, so she understands currency exchanges.

Her brother-in-law is a noncommissioned officer in the Maine National Guard, so she can get the straight dope from him about military matters.

“Is Rosie Thibideau ready to serve as president if the need arises?” Perrin asks rhetorically. “You betcha, she is,” he answers.

CHENEY: SARAH GOES TOO FAR

According to Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin has the stuff to be a great vice president. “She knows how to hit those Democrats where it hurts,” Cheney chuckled. I really like some of the things she has said like, ‘As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border.’ We need people who think like that,” the VP added.

“She had some good things to say how much we’re doing for children in our neighboring country of Afghanistan. And she hit it right on the head about the Supreme Court when Katie Couric asked her to name a court decision other than Rode v. Wade: ‘Well, let's see. There's -- of course -- in the great history of America rulings there have been rulings.’ -- “She really put Couric in her place.

“I think she went too far, though when she said Obama was palling with terrorists who target their own country. I don’t mind her throwing out wild charges like that, but you have to be careful or the liberal media will jump all over you, and that doesn’t help us at all.”

REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTS

You have to hand it to those Republican presidents. Since Reagan they really know how to pick a vice president. George H W Bush chose Dan Quayle as his running mate. What better insurance could he have against assassination? Who would be wacky enough to try to murder Bush if that left Quayle in charge of the country? The guy isn’t smart enough to run a lemonade stand, to say nothing of the country.

Then Bush junior went dad one better in choosing Dick Cheney as his vice president. Anyone who hated Bush the younger enough to contemplate assassination would have to consider what the country would be like with Cheney at the helm in name as well as in deed.

We might have thought that this weird kind of assassination insurance was just something that the Bushes practiced, but John McCain evidently thinks it’s a great idea too. He chose a running mate who combines Quayle’s cluelessness with Cheney’s ruthlessness. God help the country if she ever had to replace the 72-year-old John McCain.

PRESS CATCHES UP WITH ROSIE

A reporter from the Portland Press Herald finally caught up with vice presidential candidate Rosie Thibideau. It was clear that she had spent her time well in preparing for the interview. The reporter Sean Crakajak asked her about the economic crisis facing the country. Ms Thibideau shuffled through a stack of flash cards seeking an answer.

“Sorry, I can’t find my answer to that right now, but I’ll have my staff get back to you.”

“Well, can you at least give us Carl. Perrin’s view on what should be done about the issue?”

Rosie hesitated for only a second before replying, “Dr. Perrin has been a leader on this and other issues facing the nation. I’m sure he has given a lot of thought to the question, and whatever he recommends will be an improvement on what the other candidates suggest.”

“Could we just ask you about foreign relations? A couple of weeks ago you said you understood foreign relations because you had a lot of relatives in Canada. Do you really believe that having Canadian relatives makes you an expert?”

“I never claimed to be an expert, but I do understand Canada. My grandparents on both sides were born in Canada. I go to Canada often. Half the time I do my grocery shopping there.”

DR PERRIN GOES TO WASHINGTON

Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is suspending his campaign until the economic crisis is taken care of. Although he is not sure what he will do about it when he gets to Washington, Perrin says he isn’t going to run around campaigning when the country is in a crisis. “I’m going to think of my country first and do the patriotic thing,” he says. “I’m even pulling my political ads for the time being.”

One reporter pointed out that rumor had it that the Perrin campaign didn’t have enough money to pay for any more ads. The candidate fixed the reporter with an icy glare. “Don’t bring up irrelevant issues,” he said. “Even if I had hundreds of dollars in my campaign fund, I wouldn’t be spending the money and time when my country needs me.”

THEY’VE MADE A MONSTER OUT OF ROSIE

A lot of Rosie Thibideau’s friends are saying they don’t recognize her since Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose her to be his running mate in the upcoming election. She took a leave of absence from her job at Hank Danford’s garage. A lot of her customers are postponing work on their cars until after the election. They are planning to vote against her because they don’t know where they would take their cars and pickups for repairs if she got elected and moved out of town. “Rosie is the best,” one man said. “That’s why I don’t want to see her leave Madawaska.”

“Rosie don’t look the same no more,” according to store owner Orville Henderson. “She’s wearing lipstick.” One store patron added, “She ain’t worn lipstick since she was sixteen.”

“And what about them pants suits?” another asked. “When I saw her in a pants suit, handing out flyers, for a minute I thought it Hillary Clinton. I don’t think I’ve seen Rosie wear anything but jeans since she got married.”

“It’s a damned shame,” her boss Hank Danforth said. “Ever since that newspaper guy got her all mixed up about the state of Georgia and the country of Georgia, the Perrin campaign won’t let her talk to the press by herself. She’s home in her trailer right now, studying maps and things about different countries and stuff.”

PERRIN RESPONDS TO CRITICS

Followers of the two major parties are charging that Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose Rosie Thibideau as his running mate not for her qualifications but in an outrageous bid to win more votes. Having a woman on the ticket, they charge, is motivated solely to get more woman to vote for him in the upcoming election. Even more important than that, some say, is that Rosie Thibideau will gain him some credibility with conservatives. After all, until a few months ago, Perrin was running as a Democrat who was promising to hold down the price of beer. Finally, they say, Ms. Thibideau has no qualifications to serve as President of the U.S.

Perrin pooh poohs such allegations. “I didn’t even think of her as a woman,” he says. “People in Madawaska agree that she’s the best damned mechanic in town. She is a take-charge person. When Hank Danforth isn’t at the garage, she is in charge. She has executive experience. Furthermore, for the past dozen years she has single-handedly fought a battle against the secular humanists in the school system.” She is definitely a fighter, the kind of vice president, Perrin implies, that will help him turn Washington around.

There was some flap when she seemed to mistake Georgia in the Caucasus with the Peach State, but she later explained that the question took her by surprise. “Anyway,” she said, “if those Russkies try to attack the state of Georgia, we will whip their ass.”

THIBIDEAU DENIES CHARGES

Former Madawaska second grade teacher Colette St. Pierre claims that while she was a member of the school board, Rosie Thibideau tried to have her fired after Thibideau’s daughter failed a reading test. Ms Thibideau admits that she talked to the elementary school principal about St. Pierre’s qualifications, but that had no connection to daughter Mercedes failing her reading test.

“That woman was teaching those youngsters a bunch of secular humanist stuff,” the former school board member said. She told those innocent children that the dinosaurs had lived millions of years ago. Anyone who reads the Bible knows that the world is only a little over 4,000 years old.”

Rosie also seemed surprised when she was told that Russia had invaded Georgia. “That must of happened during the playoffs,” she said. “During the playoffs, I don’t watch anything else on television.”

She hoped that the situation would be cleared up soon, she said, because she planned to go to Orlando sometime this winter, and she didn’t have to have to go through Russian checkpoints when she drove through Georgia.

ROSIE THIBIDEAU’S BACKGROUND

The Perrin campaign continues to keep Rosie Thibideau away from the media, so we sent our reporter to Madawaska, Maine, to see what we could find out about her. She certainly has an inspiring story. Most of the citizens from Madawaska whom we talk to thought she was ready to be president from day one if something happened to 77-year-old Dr. Carl Perrin.

Until her deadbeat ex-husband walked out on her, she home schooled her three children: 12-year old Mercedes, 10-year old Frankie, and 7-year old Mitsy. Rather than go on welfare, she got a job working in Danforth’s Garage in Madawaska. As a girl Rosie learned how to tinker with cars, and she is a gifted mechanic.

According to her boss Hank Danforth, Rosie isn’t afraid to get a little grease under her fingernails. “She can just listen to motor and tell you what’s wrong with it. Not only that, but she can take any motor apart and put it back together in two hours.” Danforth thinks his employee will make a great vice president. “When I ain’t here, she’s in charge,” he said, “so she knows how to run things.” Although Danforth wishes Rosie success in her political career, he hates the thought of losing her. “She’s the best mechanic I ever had. She’s twice as good as any man.”

Ms Thibideau would not pose for picture, but she was quite comely in her flannel shirt, faded jeans, and Bean boots. Unlike the governor of Alaska, Rosie does not wear lipstick on put any of that other stuff on her face.

Besides raising her three children and working on cars, Rosie is a member of the Madawaska Fire and Rescue team, pictured above. Unfortunately, she was not present on the day the picture was taken.

PERRIN NAMES VP

Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin in a surprise move named his running mate this weekend. Rosie Thibideau, a former member of the Madawaska board of education agreed to run for the vice presidency along with Perrin. Although she is little known outside of her hometown in northern Maine, Perrin insists that she will be ready to serve on day one.

Although Ms. Thibideau does not have a college education, she did earn a GED from Madawaska High School two years after she dropped out, pregnant with her first child. “When I set my eyes on a goal,” she said, “I keep at it until I reach it.”

Though the vice presidential candidate did not earn a traditional high school diploma, she served for two years on the Madawaska board of education. It was a stormy time for her. Some of those secular humanists wanted to teach all that evolution stuff at the high school. Thibideau tried to force a ruling through the board that would require the teaching creationism along with evolution, but other members of the board kept voting her down. She ran for a second term in 2004 but was not reelected.

Rosie has rarely been out of Northern Maine, although she went to Portland a couple times, but she doesn’t care for big cities much. Perrin says that her experience in local politics is a lot more valuable than experience in Washington, because small towns are where real people live. She has a lot of insight into the military because her brother-in-law is a noncom in the Maine National Guard. She also knows a lot about foreign relations because she has lots of relatives in Canada.

Our reporter tried to interview Ms. Thibideau at her trailer just outside Madawaska, but she refused to talk to the press, because, she said, “journalists distort everything.”

VEEP SARAH

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters that Governor Sarah Palin has the instincts to make an excellent vice president. “Every time I had to get out of sight, I had to go to an undisclosed location, but Sarah hides in plain view. She gets up in front of huge crowds and wows them with snappy comments. She’s fine just as long as they keep the press away from her. Those nosey buggers from the media all want to dig into her background and ask embarrassing questions. No wonder John McCain wants to keep them away from her. They should have some respect for her privacy.”

Sarah Palin is a strong, independent woman, and we could all learn something from her. In her first 18 months on the job as governor of Alaska, she got a $60-a-day per diem allowance for the nights she spent at home rather than at the state’s capital. During that time she spent 300 nights at her house in Wasilla, earning some $18,000 just for staying home! Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has nothing but admiration for the Alaska governor. He would like to talk to her and find out more about that $60-a-day per diem. When he is elected, he plans to spend most of his time at home, and he wants to get $60 a day for sleeping in his own bed.

SARAH BARRACUDA

John McCain has shown excellent judgment in choosing a running mate who so eminently qualified to lead the nation in his place if the need should arise. While some people questioned Ms Palin’s expertise in foreign affairs, Cindy McCain pointed out that Alaska is our closest state to Russia! That is reassuring. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t see something that obvious myself.

Like McCain, Palin is against earmarks—unless they’re going to Alaska. As mayor of Wasilla, she gained $27 million from Washington for various local projects. She was against Senator Stevens’s “Bridge to Nowhere,” but that was after she supported it. She raised sales taxes to build a hockey rink in her town. Last June she said it was “God’s will” that Washington pay for a $30 billion gas pipeline in Alaska. She said that the war in Iraq was a “task from God.” It is really scary to think of someone who thinks like that with her hands in control of nuclear weapons.

She is really tough in fighting for what she believes in. She threatened to fire the Wasilla librarian who refused to go along with her desire to censor library books. She did fire the public safety commissioner when he refused to fire a state trooper, an ex-husband of Sarah’s sister.

With a little seasoning Sarah could become as skillful as Dick Cheney in getting things done her way. She’s a hunter, and a better shot than Cheney. As Fred Thompson said, “She’s the only nominee who knows how to field dress a moose.” Snicker at that if you want, but you never can tell when such a skill might come in handy for a vice president.

VICE PRESIDENTIAL PICKS

Obama picked a veteran senator to be his running mate. Joe Biden balances Obama’s perceived weaknesses, his limited experience, particularly in the area of foreign affairs.

McCain has chosen Sarah Palin. (Who?) You know, the governor of Alaska. Oh yeah. She certainly has lots of qualifications. Solid conservative credentials, making up for the doubts that the right wing might have about McCain himself. She has lots of experience in government, though not as much as Obama. She has been governor for less than two years. Before that she was mayor of Wasilla, a city of 7,000 people. Before that she was active in the PTA. That should take care of the people who suggest that Obama lacks experience to be commander-in-chief. The fact that she is a woman just might appeal to the Democratic women who are still bitter about Hillary Clinton’s failure to get the nomination.

We haven’t heard from Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin for a while, but he has been working behind the scenes. The party didn’t have a regular convention or anything, but a group of supporters gathered with the candidate in the men’s room at the village clubhouse to toss a few ideas around.

One of the big issues of course was, who would be Perrin’s running mate? Insiders from the Perrin campaign would not even comment on whether or not a vice presidential candidate had been chosen. However, rumors have it that the wily former English professor will come out with a shocking choice, perhaps a transgendered person. Such a candidate should appeal to voters of both sexes as well as to gays, lesbians, and other transgenedered persons.

Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose told us, “You will just have to wait and see.”

CHENEY? WHO’S HE?

Republican strategists are at a loss about how to deal with Dick Cheney at the GOP convention. Even though the vice president appeals to a small group of extreme right wingers, rank and file Republicans as well as Independents blame him for much of what has gone wrong in the Bush administration.

To ignore Cheney entirely might turn off right wing nuts who approve of the man’s secretive, extralegal, behind-the-scenes maneuvers. To acknowledge him, on the other hand, will remind everyday Republicans of who is to blame for the problems and challenges facing their party. If Cheney speaks at the convention, Independents will question John McCain’s independence.

Our inside sources tell us that party decision-makers decided that GOP conservatives are not going to vote for Obama—no matter what, so it will better to slight the conservatives in order to keep the moderates and the Independents.

A couple of days before the convention the vice president will be whisked away to one of his secret, undisclosed locations for the duration. No convention speaker will be allowed to refer to Cheney or even admit that the man is Vice President of the United States. If anyone asks about Cheney, they will deny that the man even exists.

OBAMA GOES TO BERLIN, GERMANY; MC CAIN GOES TO BERLIN, NH, AND PERRIN DRINKS GERMAN BEER

While Obama drew a huge crowd in Berlin, Germany, McCain attracted a handful of people in Berlin, New Hampshire. At the same time Family Values candidate Carl Perrin drank some German beer and felt he had participated.

Obama made a hit with French president Nicolas Sarkozy, Perrin went to West Paris, Maine, and no one even knew he was there. McCain, remembering Freedom Fries, was not sure whether it was politically useful to do anything French, went to a German restaurant in Columbus, Ohio.

McCain turned negative and charged unfairly that Obama would rather go to a gym than go to a hospital and visit wounded GIs. Perrin asserted that he talks to veterans every day. His retirement village is full of veterans of World War II, Korea, and Vietnam. He admits, though, that he would rather go to a bar than a hospital.

BIAS IN THE MAIN STREAM MEDIA

From the very beginning the press has shown favoritism to Senator Barack Obama. And it gets more pronounced every day. He goes to Iraq to build up his foreign policy credentials, and we see pictures of him in a helicopter with General Petraeus getting a tour of the area.

At the same time we get pictures of Senator John McCain in a golf cart with Daddy Bush in Kennebunkport, Maine. The Republican candidate has already been to Iraq umpteen times. We recall pictures of him in a flak jacket surrounded by a battalion of troops as he walked through a “safe” street in Baghdad.

The press doesn’t even cover the campaign of conservative Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. Had they been on the ball, they could have caught a picture of Perrin pedaling around his retirement village and his three-wheeler, saving gasoline and getting his exercise at once. The press has pretty much ignored Perrin, despite voters’interest in his cheap beer platform.

Both McCain and Perrin have moved to the right during this campaign. McCain took more conservative positions in order to appeal to the Republican base. Perrin, once a candidate for the Democratic nomination is now running in the Family Values party. The liberal bias of the press is well known, but maybe something more is at stake here. McCain and Perrin are both geezers. The main stream media seems more interested in following that young guy. People seem to forget: geezers vote, and they won’t forget that two prominent senior citizens have been ignored.

CRITICS QUESTION PERRIN ‘S FOREIGN SERVICE EXPERIENCE

Critics of conservative Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin are questioning his qualification to be president. He doesn’t have any experience in foreign relations. He’s never even been out of the United States, they charge. He calls himself a Korean War veteran, but he was never in Korea at all.

Perrin spokesman Aristotle Mongoose says that these charges are unfounded. “Dr. Perrin,” he says, “has traveled to Canada several times. He even speaks French a little. The army didn’t send him to Korea, but they did send him to South Carolina and assigned him, a New England Yankee, to the Dixie Division. He managed to get along with them good ole boys from the South and even learned to drink that white lightning.

“Furthermore,” Mongoose points out, “Although Perrin never visited any foreign countries except Canada and South Carolina, lots of foreign students came to him. In his teaching career he has had students from all over the world.”

Unfortunately, mention of alcoholic beverages opens Perrin to another charge. He tries to present himself as a champion of cheap beer, they say, but we have pictures of him holding a martini glass, and we understand he is brewing home-made wine.

WHO’S THE BIGGEST FLIP-FLOPPER?

As we move toward the general election, the candidates are flip-flopping all over the place. A lot of people saw John McCain as a moderate who stayed away from some of the GOP’s most extreme positions. Now, in order to woo the party’s base, he has been moving toward the right. He opposed the Bush tax cuts when they came up. Now he says he wants to make them permanent. He once referred to the Evangelicals as “agents of intolerance.” Now he seeks their blessings.

Barack Obama has been called the most liberal member of the Senate. Now he seems to be moving toward the center. He vowed to concentrate on bringing the troops home from Iraq. Now he is “refining” his position on troop withdrawal. He voted to let the telecoms off the hook on issue of cooperating with the Bush administration’s spying on citizens.

To some people, the shifts of McCain and Obama are nothing compared to candidate Carl Perrin’s flip-flop. He tried to win the Democratic nomination. When he didn’t succeed, instead of throwing his considerable influence behind Senator Obama, Perrin entered the race as a conservative Family Values candidate. The man who ran as a liberal is now trying to get conservatives to vote for him.

Perrin insists, however, that he has not changed positions at all. He always thought that corn ethanol was a bad idea. He was always in favor of cheap beer, and he still is.

HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS

Senator McCain has admitted that he doesn’t know much about economics, so he enlisted the aid of a man who has a Ph. D. in the subject. Former senator Phil Gramm, now a vice chairman of UBS, promptly said that Americans have “become a nation of whiners.” That comment really helped McCain, who had to disavow the former senator’s unpolitical comment.

Barack Obama picked up some of the same sort of support from fellow Democrat, the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson complained that Obama was “talking down” to black men when he said they should take responsibility for their children. That made the reverend so angry that he wanted to “cut Obama’s nuts off”! That doesn’t sound like a very Christian sentiment to us.

Family Values candidate Carl Perrin also has “friends” who are not being very helpful. Campaign volunteer Hercule Mendez evidently forgot that Perrin was running now as a conservative when he said, “Perrin has always been a liberal.” Perrin responded that he was liberal only in his devotion to family values.

CHENEY’S OFFICE INVOLVED IN ANOTHER COVER UP

Jason K. Burnett resigned from his position in the Environmental Protection Agency after representatives of the Vice President’s office started censoring EPA reports. Dr. Julie L. Gerberding of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention testified that global warming could have damaging consequences to human health. The guys from Cheney’s office cut out references to possible harm to health caused by global warming.

A spokesperson for the VP said, “They got it all wrong. We were just trying to cut some of the deadwood out of the report. Think of all the trees we saved by cutting a few thousand words out of the final draft. Not only that, but we figured, why get people all upset worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet anyway.”

Meanwhile, Oklahoma senator James M. Inhofe said, “This global warming crap is just a hoax that liberals are trying to foist off on the country so people will vote for Democrats.”

PERRIN’S MILITARY SERVICE DOES NOT QUALIFY HIM FOR THE PRESIDENCY

When General Clark said that John McCain’s military service did not qualify him to be president, people were outraged. Now the same charges are being leveled at conservative Family Values candidate Carl Perrin.

We spoke to retired Master Sergeant “Stud” Adams, who said, “Yeah, I remember Perrin, that little pissant. He was one of them Yankees that was assigned to the Dixie Division during the Korean War. He was in my platoon, but before too long he got hisself assigned to the orderly room so he could sit on his ass all day while the rest of us were out training in the hot sun. Then he got hisself transferred to the personnel office and even made sergeant. He had a soft job, just sitting at a desk all day. When we would go home to Alabama, we would bring back some of the good ole white lightning. Perrin could make a good dent on that, but otherwise I can’t think of anything in his military service that would prepare him to president of the US of A.”

“Sergeant Adams,” Perrin grunted dismissively. ‘What the hell does he know about anything? I may have had an office job, but when the company took the physical fitness test after the end of training, ole ‘Stud’ didn’t pass, but I did. Not only that, but I earned an Expert Rifleman’s badge. I didn’t serve in a combat zone, but I did learn a few things in the army, and they will serve me well when I am president.”

We aren’t surprised that politicians are playing dirty games to try to knock Perrin out of the race. He is the only Independent candidate who has a chance of winning against the two major party candidates.

UNBELIEVABLE TURNAROUND

Dr. Carl Perrin’s supporters are in deep shock. Just a little over a month ago he was still a candidate for the Democratic nomination. Now he is running as a conservative family values candidate. “How could he do that?” people are asking. “And how can he pretend to be a conservative?”

Perrin shrugs off such questions. “There has been no change in my position,” he insists. “My first consideration has always been to do what is in my own best interest. I gave the Democrats a chance to nominate me, and they went ahead and voted for that Obama guy.”

Perrin insists that his marriage record shows his family values. “Obama is still married to his first wife. McCain has been married only twice. I’ve been married three times. You learn a lot from being in three marriages. The insight I have picked up that way will help me when I become president.

“As the Family Values candidate, I will continue to push for government support for barley. This corn ethanol thing has done more harm than good. We need to keep the price of beer affordable for working men and women.”

PERRIN REENTERS THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE!

Former Republican congressman from Georgia, Bob Barr, is running for president on the Libertarian ticket. That must be great news for John McCain, who is running against Barack Obama. Polls put McCain well behind Obama, even before factoring Barr into the equation.

Now in a stunning new development, another candidate is running on a conservative ticket. Former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin recently dropped out of the Democratic race, but our sources tell us that he will reenter as the candidate for the recently-formed Conservative Family Values Part. It will certainly be a hard sell for him to present himself as a family values man after a political career as a liberal. However, he says, “I’ve been married three times. How much more family oriented than that can you get?”

Some political analysts speculate that Perrin hopes to help Obama by pulling votes away from McCain. Voters who value McCain for his experience and maturity should really go ga-ga over Perrin, who is six years older and six years more experienced than the Arizona senator.

ARE PERRIN SUPPORTERS READY TO GET BEHIND OBAMA?

Dr. Carl Perrin has dropped from the presidential race and thrown his support to Senator Barack Obama. Some of Perrin’s followers, however, are not yet ready to cry “uncle.” Although Obama clearly appreciates and needs the former English professor’s backing, he has not yet offered jobs to any of Perrin’s former staffers. On that subject, a spokesperson from Obama headquarters said, “Perrin didn’t have any paid staff people. Everyone who worked on the Perrin campaign was a volunteer. We’re perfectly willing to let them volunteer for us.”

While former candidate Carl Perrin would like to see his campaign workers get a job in the Obama operation, he is more interested in getting a job for himself in the Obama administration. He has some really great ideas on how to keep the price of beer within reach for working American men and women. Obama headquarters has Perrin’s telephone number and e-mail address. He is waiting to hear from them.

AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?

The price of food keeps going up. Part of the reason for that is that a lot of corn is being used for ethanol rather than food. In 2006 14 percent of the corn crop was made into ethanol. By 2010 that is expected to rise to 30 percent.

And yet corn ethanol is very inefficient. It takes one unit of energy just to produce two units of energy from corn. Ethanol from sugar cane produces eight units of energy for every unit consumed. Sugar cane requires a tropical climate, but the importation of sugar ethanol is discouraged by a 54-cents-a-gallon tariff.

The state of Florida has just bought the United States Sugar Company for $1.75 billion dollars. The purchase includes 187,000 acres of land just north of the Everglades National Park. So is the state going into the business of creating ethanol from sugar cane? No, that would make too much sense. They are going to return it to the swampland it was in the 1890s.

Somehow this is supposed to be good for the environment, but I’m not sure just how.

WHAT ABOUT CHEAP BEER?

What a mess! The price of gasoline has doubled in the past year. Food prices keep going up. Where will it stop?

People in India and China and other places are starting to enjoy a standard of living that Americans have taken for granted for years. There is more demand for petroleum around the world than ever before. The oil producing countries probably cannot keep up with demand. Petroleum is contributing to global warming. Something needs to be done, and the production of ethanol is probably a good place to start.

The problem is, we have not gone about it very wisely. We are growing more corn for ethanol, which means less for food for export to poor countries. The problem with corn ethanol is that it produces just two units of energy for every unit it uses. We’re all paying for that tiny bit of extra energy because the government subsidizes rich farmers to grow that corn.

Brazil creates ethanol from sugar cane, a much more efficient process. Sugar ethanol creates eight units of energy for every unit of energy used. Sugar cane requires a tropical climate, but we could import ethanol from Brazil. The problem is, there is a 54-cent-a-gallon tariff on Brazilian sugar cane ethanol.

That makes a lot of sense. We support inefficient corn ethanol through subsidies while keeping out efficient sugar ethanol through tariffs.

Through all of this the cost of beer keeps growing up. Instead of growing barley to make beer, farmers are growing corn for inefficient ethanol production.

Dr. Carl Perrin is no longer in the presidential race, but he is still eager to serve the country. He is volunteering his services as a sub-cabinet officer, perhaps in the Department of Agriculture. In this role he would see to it that barley crops are subsidized. This needs to be done soon to keep the price of beer affordable to working people and to senior citizens!

WILL PERRIN BE OFFERED THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL SPOT?

When Hillary Clinton finally dropped out of the presidential race, people started talking about her as the vice presidential candidate. Naturally, Dr. Carl Perrin’s supporters are wondering the same about him.

Sources close to Perrin, however, tell us that he is not enthusiastic about the 2nd spot on the ticket. The only thing about the VP job that appeals to him is the salary. Although it is less than half of the presidential salary that he once hoped to earn, $186,000 seems pretty good to a man who struggled on a teacher’s pay for almost 50 years.

Actually, Perrin says, he would prefer a job that isn’t in the limelight so much. The VP has to do all the dirty work and then take the blame when anything goes wrong. Look at all the criticism of Dick Cheney. Perrin wouldn’t want that kind of negativity directed toward him.

Dr. Perrin would rather have a cabinet post. The salary is only $149,000, and it doesn’t include free government housing, but it wouldn’t require as much work. So he asks the VP search committee to leave him out, but remember him when they start to fill cabinet posts. President Obama might even want to create a new post just for Dr. Perrin, something like the Secretary of Cheap Beer.

PERRIN CONCEDES RACE

After Hillary gave up and threw her lukewarm support to Barack, political analysts wondered when Carl Perrin would do the same. Although Senator Clinton had a lot more delegates than Dr. Perrin (who in fact had none), a lot of people like the former English professor better than the New York senator.

Mrs. Clinton tried to win the beer drinkers’ vote by posing with a mug of beer, but true beer drinkers knew that Perrin had come out in favor of cheap beer from the very beginning. He was drinking beer when Hillary was a toddler.

As Perrin looked over the political landscape after June 3, he realized he had no chance of winning the Democratic nomination. For a while he considered running as an Independent. Then he thought about the damage that Ralph Nader had done to the country in his 2000 run for the presidency. He could not bring himself to inflict that kind of harm to the nation again.

Perrin is withdrawing from the race and throwing his considerable influence behind Barack Obama. Perrin denies that he hopes his support for the Illinois senator will bring him a cushy job in the Obama administration. “Of course, if he offers me a job, I wouldn’t turn it down,” the professor said with a grin.

WILL PERRIN PULL OUT OF THE RACE?

Now that the end is in sight, super delegates are rushing to endorse Barack Obama’s campaign. Former presidential candidate John Edwards has thrown his weight behind Obama. Democratic leaders are calling for Senator Clinton to pull out so that the party will be unified in its fight for the White House in the general election.

Surprisingly, no one has called for Dr. Carl Perrin to withdraw his candidacy, even though he has run a strong campaign based on a platform of cheap beer. For a while analysts speculated that Perrin was hoping for Hillary and Barack to go to the convention with the vote split between them. According to this scenario, the convention would then have to come up with a compromise candidate, someone who could pull the party together. And who would be better in this role than Carl Perrin?

Both Clinton and Perrin have their motives for hanging in there by their fingernails. If Clinton stays in just a little while longer, she might be able to raise a little more money to pay off the huge debt that her campaign has generated. Perrin, on the other hand, may be hoping that the senator from Illinois might offer him some soft job in his administration.

Not so fast, insiders say. While Perrin may recognize that he has little chance of winning the Democratic nomination, nothing will prevent him from running as an Independent. During the time that Perrin lived in Maine, it had two Independent governors. Connecticut and Vermont have Independent senators. It would be a big mistake to write Perrin off too soon.

SHOULD PERRIN GET A TATTOO?

Hillary Clinton has been trying to portray Barack Obama as an elitist, out of touch with blue collar working men and women. Obama didn’t help himself when he said that people in small towns get bitter and turn to guns and religion. Then we see Hillary in a bar hoisting a mug of beer, while Barack goes to a bowling alley and throws a gutter ball. The image is beginning to stick, and it is hurting the Illinois senator in the voting booth.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin may be suffering from the same kind of negative image. Some people see him as an English professor who goes around correcting people’s grammar. While Perrin is happy to hoist a mug of beer, especially if it is cheap beer, he is a worse bowler than Barack Obama. Maybe some people see him as an elitist, and that is why he gained so few votes in the primaries.

According the Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose, that is about to change. Perrin is about to show that he is a real down-to-earth kind of guy. He is going to get a tattoo. He is thinking about his wife’s name enclosed within a heart. He was planning to put the tattoo on his shoulder, but he realized that there would be little occasion to remove his shirt on the campaign trail, so now he is considering having the tattoo on his forearm. That way he can go into a bar, order a beer, and roll up his sleeves, so the television camera can show him holding a beer and displaying his tattoo. That should help portray the former English professor as a man of the people.

The only problem is that Perrin is afraid of needles, so it may be a while before anyone sees the actual tattoo.

30 CENTS A DAY

With the price of everything, including food and gas, going up, I’ve had to cut back on all kinds of things. Luckily I can still afford to buy cheap beer, but I can no longer pay for a Starbucks latte. However, with Senator Clinton’s and Senator McCain’s new plan, things are about to change. These two senators want to suspend the federal tax on gasoline for the summer months. (They both have some really strange ideas about how to make up the shortfall in the overextended federal budget, but I don’t care about that kind of stuff. I just want to get the extra money that will be in my pocket when I don’t have to pay the gasoline tax.)

I stay up nights trying to decide what to do with all that extra money that I will have if Clinton-McCain plan passes. According to some estimates, the average driver will save about 30 cents a day. Wow! If I put that 30 cents aside each day, over a month it would come to—let’s see--$9.00! If I just add a little more that, then three times a month I could afford a Starbucks latte. Thank you, Hillary and John.

STUPID AWARD

Charles Ray Fuller wins the Stupidity Award of the Week. The north Texas man took a check from his girl friend’s mother, changed the numbers, and added a bunch of zeros. Then he took it to the bank and tried to cash the $360 billion check. You can’t fool those bank tellers, though. They became suspicious when Fuller presented a $360 billion personal check. Not many people keep that much money in their personal checking accounts. In fact I don’t even keep $1 million in my personal account. I mean, why take a chance? Some dope like Charles Ray Fuller might take my check and add a few zeros. That would clean my checking account out easily.

BUSH BREAKS A RECORD

President George Bush has broken a record. At 71 percent he has earned the highest record of disapproval since such records began to be kept. He even beat out Richard Nixon, whose disapproval rate was 66 percent. Kennedy and Eisenhower both had disapproval rates in the thirties. Clinton’s was 54.

Our question is, how is it possible that 29 percent of people surveyed thought George Bush was doing okay? He turned the huge federal surplus that he inherited into the largest deficit ever. He failed to follow up aggressively in seeking out the Bin Laden in Afghanistan. Instead he diverted military resources away from that and sent them to an illegal and unnecessary war in Iraq. In this foolhardy enterprise, he has squandered billions of dollars and the lives of over 4,000 young American men and women along with untold thousands of Iraqi lives. This absurd effort has weakened the U. S. military and damaged the American image of a benevolent nation. The president has illegally spied on American citizens and authorized the torture of captives, thus leaving American prisoners of war subject to torture. He has torn up a treaty to protect the environment. His administration is full of people who rewrite science for political ends and use public office illegally to further partisan politics.

What more does this man have to do before every single American realizes that he has done irreparable damage to the country?