MORE POLITICS

Nikki Haley came out ahead in the Republican primary for governor of South Carolina. It will be hard for her to live up to the newsworthiness of Mark Sanford, current Republican governor of the state. You will recall that a year ago Sanford told everyone that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in fact he slipped off to rendezvous with his “soul mate” in South America. Nevertheless, two men have claimed that they had “inappropriate relationships” with the married Haley.

Perennial candidate Dr. Carl Perrin insists that he has not had any relationship, inappropriate or not, with Ms. Haley. He has never even seen her. He did spend a year and half in South Carolina, but that was during the Korean War, before Nikki Haley was born.

Meanwhile on the West Coast Carly Fiorina has maligned the hair of Barbara Boxer, who will be her opponent for the California senate seat in November. Criticizing another politician’s hair is considered a low blow, but characteristic of Ms. Fiorina, who was considered an “unpleasant person” before she was pushed out of her job at HP with a multimillion dollar golden parachute.

Carl Perrin is sensitive to jabs about hair since he has so little of it. If politicians are going to stoop to making fun of other’s physical attributes, we are worse off than anyone thought.

IT ISN’T FAIR!

Some people have all the luck. A prime example is hair. Some people have more hair than they really need, while others get left out. It’s not just vanity; hair can really help men be successful in life.

A case in point is former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin. Two years ago Perrin threw his hat into the ring as a candidate for the Democratic nomination for the presidency. Unfortunately, the voting public found it hard to take a bald man seriously. When it became clear to him that he was never going to win the Democratic nomination, Perrin switched to the Family Values Party. Few people donated money to his campaign, and he wasn’t able to advertise nationally. His candidacy did not even make a blip on the radar screen. If he had more hair, Perrin is convinced he would have been more credible as a candidate.

On the other hand, we have Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who has hair all over the place. Carl Perrin’s mother told him that envy was not an admirable trait, but he can’t help but wonder, if he had hair like the Illinois governor, he could have been the one trying to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat.

NEW HAIR FROM GENETICALLY ALTERED SPINACH

Stoney River, OH, resident, Jack Samuels ate some genetically altered spinach in January. Within a week he started growing new hair on his previously almost bald pate. Within two weeks the hair was growing wildly all over his head.

His wife Jessie told our reporter that whereas Mr. Samuels previously used to spent about five seconds running a comb through his thinning hair, now he spends an half an hour preening in front of the mirror, making sure that every hair is just right. “We have only one bathroom,” Mrs. Samuels told us, “and I have to wait forever to get into it and do my hair.”

Another problem Samuels has, according to his wife, is that now he has “bad hair days.” When he gets one of those, she told us, there’s no point in even trying to talk to him. He just sits around brooding all day.

Our reporter asked Mr. Samuels what he thought of his new hair. He shook his head sadly and said, “It’s really a pain in the butt. It grows so fast that I have to get a haircut every week. If I let it go just one week, it becomes so shaggy that I can’t do a thing with it. Not only that, but it isn’t the same color or texture as my old hair.”

“Still, it must be nice to have hair again,” we suggested.

“No, it’s really a pain. I have to spend so much time taking care of it that I hardly have time to watch NASCAR races on television.”

Apparently, no matter what they have, some people will just never be satisfied.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is very interested in this genetically altered spinach. If any readers know where he can get some of it, please let us know.