DID PERRIN TRAVEL AT TAXPAYERS’ EXPENSE?

Aristotle Mongoose, spokesman for Dr. Carl Perrin’s presidential campaign, denied that the candidate had been traveling to Maine for years at taxpayers’ expense. Nevertheless, rumors keep leaking out that Perrin not only went to Maine often, but that he went to see the woman shown in the picture at left.

Perrin refused to identify the woman in the picture other than to say she is a political supporter. He denies that he has ever done anything at the taxpayers’ expense since he got out of the army in 1954. Informants, however, say otherwise. He has been travelling to Maine quite frequently, we have been told, and in recent years his major source of income is from Social Security, and Social Security comes from the taxpayers.

Mongoose said he could not comment further on the issue because of security reasons.

REPUBLICAN DEBATES

At last night’s debate, Republican candidates didn’t have much to say about Hillary Clinton. They were too busy attacking each other. Romney and Guiliani were at it again, each charging the other with being soft on illegal immigration. While he was in the attack mode, Romney criticized Mike Huckabee for having proposed a tuition break for children of illegal immigrants when he was governor of Arkansas. Romney argued with John McCain over waterboarding. Romney thought it was okay. McCain charged that the failure to condemn waterboarding was a failure to understand American principles.
Fred Thompson made a couple of good points: Mitt Romney was for abortion rights before he was against them, and he was for an immigration bill before he was against a similar one.

Few of the candidates looked very good, but Romney wins the award as the most wishy-washy, waffling candidate among the Republicans.

MITT AND RUDY ARE AT IT AGAIN!

Mitt Romney took a vicious swipe at Rudy Guiliani. He said that the mayor had said nice things about Hillary Clinton’s health plan when it first came out. What a cruel blow! He said something nice about a Democrat!

Guiliani came right back and accused Romney of throwing stones from inside a glass house. Rudy’s spokeswoman asserted that the former Massachusetts governor’s health plan was just like Hillarycare. Take that, Mitt! Romney charged Guiliani with being loose with the facts, charging that the mayor just makes up his own facts.

Both of these men change their positions more often than some people change their socks. If you’re looking for a candidate that is always the same, take a look at Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin, a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

THE REAL FISCAL CONSERVATIVE

This past weekend Mitt Romney called Rudy Guiliani a Big Cit Big Spender who left a huge budget gap when he was mayor of New York City. Campaigning in Laconia, NH, Guiliani charged back that per capita spending in New York City was down during his administration while spending in Massachusetts was up while Romney was governor. Romney was not able to reduce taxes in Massachusetts, but Guiliani reduced taxes 23 times as New York City mayor.

Romney said that what we need is someone who will rein in spending and say, enough is enough. We have to agree with that, and we can’t think of a more egregious mismanagement of the budget than the present Republican administration in Washington.

Romney and Guiliani can talk about fiscal responsibility, but look at how much they are spending on their political campaigns. If you want to elect a real fiscal conservative, consider Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. His favorite drink is cheap beer, and he isn’t spending a dime on his campaign.

OPEN LETTER TO NEW HAMPSHIRE DEMOCRATS

Despite the valiant efforts of Carl Perrin supporters collecting returnable cans and bottles, there was not enough money in Perrin’s campaign fund to register to be placed on the New Hampshire primary ballot. Perrin is not going to let a little thing like that stop him. You can still write his name on the ballot on January 8.

As you know, Perrin grew up on a farm in Amherst, NH. He and his brother milked the cows before they went to school in the morning. During the summer they cut the hay and brought it to the barn to feed the cows in the winter. Perrin knows what it is like to work on a farm.

He graduated from Amherst High School, the University of New Hampshire, and Rivier College in Nashua, NH. He began his teaching career in Hollis, NH.

Perrin left college in the middle of his junior year to join the army during the Korean War. He belonged to the New Hampshire National Guard from 1956-58.

Perrin understands farmers. Did any of the other candidates ever work on a farm? He understands veterans and military personnel. Did any of the other candidates, other than John McCain, ever serve in the military? While he was going to UNH days, Perrin worked on the second shift at the General Electric plant in Somersworth, NH. Perrin understands working people. Did any of the other candidates ever work in a factory?

Other candidates, Democrats and Republicans, are going to be flooding the media with campaign ads in the weeks to come. Perrin doesn’t have enough money for that kind of media blitz. He is depending on you to help further his campaign, to get the word out by forwarding this message to at least ten people. At the bottom of this message at the right, opposite the place for comments, is an envelope icon. Just click on that to forward this message to ten people. If you do that, love and fortune will come to you. At the same time you will be helping a worthy candidate win the election.

Bless you.

ALARMING TREND

According to the British Beer and Pub Association, the number of pints of beer sold in British pubs has declined by 22 percent since 1979. Part of the reason for this decline is a rise in taxes on the brew. In the last ten years the tax on beer has grown by 27 percent. The increased cost of barley has also added to the cost of beer. A lot of Britons have switched to wine! It boggles the mind.

We don’t want to be alarmists, but we must face the facts. The same thing could happen in America. American farmers who once grew barley are now growing corn to be made into ethanol. Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin wants to see price supports for barley, so we can keep the price of beer affordable to the average working person.

Dr. Perrin does not want to see America become a country of effete, Francophile, wine-drinking snobs. Perrin is the beer-drinking man’s candidate. Perrin: a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

CHENEY ENDORSES A DEMOCRAT

Dick Cheney has endorsed Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin for the presidency. The vice president conceded that he doesn’t agree with Perrin on every issue, but he went on to say, “Perrin is a good man. He has a good head on his shoulders. I know that while he is in office, he will do what is right for the country.”

When Perrin heard of the conservative Republican’s endorsement, he was outraged. He commented, “Cheney says he doesn’t agree with me on every issue. It would be more accurate to say that we don’t agree on ANY issue. Does he want people to think that I believe we should drop a bomb on Iran? Or maybe that water boarding is an OK thing to do? Maybe he thinks I believe we should get rid of entitlement programs like Social Security and Medicare.

Cheney is insane, Perrin insisted. “An endorsement from Darth Vadar is a kiss of death. He knows damn well that we don’t agree on anything. He is trying to embarrass me in this endorsement. He knows that his unpopularity will rub off on me if he says I am OK. I am convinced it is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.”

Political insiders believe that the Cheney endorsement was done deliberately to make liberals question Perrin’s position on crucial issues. “It’s a political dirty trick,” said Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose. “The Republicans have targeted Perrin because, even though he is behind in the polls and in fund raising now, they know he will be moving up soon, and they know he will be the hardest to beat in the general election.”

IS LOU DOBBS BEING COY?

Lou Dobbs insists that he will not run for the presidency, but he doesn’t like any of the Democratic or Republican candidates. A little over a week ago he said there would be a new candidate, someone whom he described an "independent populist . . . who understands the genius of this country lies in the hearts and minds of its people and not in the prerogatives and power of its elites." Hey, wait. Does that sound like anyone you’ve seen on television? It seems clear that he is referring to this “mystery candidate” so he can build interest and get a lot of attention when he actually makes the announcement.

We are reminded of Stephen Colbert, who made a brief stab at the South Carolina primary and then withdrew when the Democratic Party did not accept his application. Colbert is no longer running for the presidency, but his brief fling with politics sure as hell helped the ratings of his show. Dobbs’s non-announcement has also helped the ratings of his TV show.

You have to hand it to Dobbs. He is consistent. No matter what is going on in the real world, Lou is always able to relate it to his hobby horse: illegal immigration and trade agreements with other countries.

Stephen Colbert and perhaps Lou Dobbs had their little fling with the nomination to raise the television ratings. But Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin doesn’t have a television show. He is not a Johnny-come-lately. He has been in the race since last spring. Perrin is in for the long haul. Perrin: a man of the people and the people’s choice.

GRENDEL

An advert for the new movie Beowulf says it isn’t like the version that your high school teacher taught you. During the early sixties Carl Perrin was a high school English teacher, and he taught Beowulf. His version of the Anglo-Saxon epic was a little different also. His rendering of the story, which was published in the June 1956 issue of Phlush, a publication of St. Louis Mensa, appears below

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GRENDEL

Monsters are a generally misunderstood lot. Perhaps the most misunderstood of all monsters is Grendel. His story is told entirely from the point of view of Geats and Scyldings, and if you’re looking for the truth from a Scylding, you’ll wait for a long time. According to their story, they were sitting quietly in their meadhall (an early type of VFW hall), having a couple of quick ones when Grendel burst in and, with no provocation, devoured two or three of the Scylding gang, blood, bones and all.

This is possibly the earliest example of yellow journalism. Think of the most depraved person imaginable. Would even he be capable of doing a thing like this? There may be a grain of truth in the story, or it would not have survived over a thousand years, but most of the details are pure imagination. The Scyldings suggest that Grendel broke into their meadhall and ate several of their brethren out of pure sadism. Frankly, I can’t imagine anyone that gross.

After doing some research on the subject, I believe I can supply a more accurate account of the evening. The Scyldings say they were just having a nightcap. Well, if you’ve ever met a Scylding or a Geat, you know there’s no such thing as a “couple of drinks” where either is concerned. When a couple of Scyldings got together for what they call a few drinks, it was one hell of an evening. Did you ever see a Scylding that could talk quietly, even sober? Not on your spear. Normally Scyldings shout at the top of their lungs, and each drink raises the volume by at least five decibels. (See Schwartzkopf, Hans. Getrunkenstudiert. Heorot, 805.)

Now imagine living next door to a family of these souses. There is no doubt whatever that the first couple of times this so-called monster—Grendel—came to the meadhall, he merely knocked on the door and said something like, “Look, fellows, hold it down, will you? I’ve got to go to work on the early shift.” Whether they even understood him in their besotted state is a loaded question, but there is little doubt that their answer was a drunken giggle and a call for another round of mead. What was Grendel to do? He tried to call the police, but they were out moonlighting at other meadhalls. Cotton in the ear had little effect.

If this had happened once, or even occasionally, it might have been bearable, but night after night after night! Grendel lost weight. His eyes were red rimmed. His reflexes were awry. He was hoarse. He inadvertently stuck his finger into a spear sharpener and ground it to a fine point before he could stop himself.

One night, or morning, at about three-thirty, after Grendel had been tossing and turning for five hours, and the party was particularly wild, something inside him snapped. He ran all the way to the meadhall and threw the door open. The look on his face was, well, monstrous. His hair pointed every which way. There was a heavy stubble on his chin. His eyes were bloodshot. Two of his fingers were sharpened to a fine point.

Grendel shoved Charlie Scylding, who was too paralyzed to fight back and too drunk to refrain from egging the monster on. During the ensuing brawl, Grendel bit Harry Geat on the right choleric humor. That’s that. That stuff about gulping blood and bone is pure libel. Grendel was guilty of nothing that would be unexpected of any normal man.

DIRTY POLITICS

In the convoluted world of politics, there is no end to the depths to which political operatives will sink to slime the opposition. One of the latest tricks is have some nut seem to support your candidate. This happened last week when Pat Robertson endorsed Rudy Giuliani. People who might have been trying to make up their mind about Rudy suddenly began to wonder what was wrong with him that a wacko like Pat Robertson thought he was the best candidate.

Then a few days ago at a John McCain rally, someone referred to Hillary Clinton as a bitch. The result of that comment was to move Senator Clinton up a few more points ahead of her rivals for the nomination.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin would not stoop to such tactics of course, but if there is a real wacko out there who would like to come out in support of one of the Democratic front runners, Perrin wouldn’t object. If someone would like to call Perrin a name that would result in sympathy votes for him, that would be okay too.

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CANDIDATE

Today we interviewed Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. We asked him what was the most difficult part of campaigning.

“I hate it when those people ask all the questions,” he said. “I have a few questions myself. It’s like I’m interviewing for a job, and I wonder about the benefits. I know the salary is good, and you get free rent, free medical, and free transportation, etc. All that is fine, but what about groceries? I know my wife wouldn’t have to stand in line at the supermarket or do the cooking or stuff, but who pays for the groceries? I mean if I have the Queen of England or the King of France over for dinner, who pays for the grub? And what about when I have dinner with just the family, do I have to pay for that food out of my presidential salary? I don’t hear any of the other candidates asking questions like that.

“I also wonder about buying personal items, like tooth paste and underwear and stuff. I don’t suppose the president goes to WalMart to get things like that. Does he send someone out with a shopping list or something? I’d like to know.

“Of course I do a lot of shopping online anyway. I guess I could still do that, but I wonder about my email address. I now have an email address of drcarlperrin@etc. I wanted to use just my name: carlperrin@etc, but someone had already taken that. Isn’t there a law against that, like identity theft or something? Anyway, since someone else had used my name, I went with the drcarlperrin.etc. I’m wondering, though, when I become president, maybe I can use prescarlperrin@whatever.com. You ask, suppose I am not elected? That seems very unlikely, but if does happen, I am still president of the computer club at my retirement village, so I could still be prescarlperrin@whatever.com “

HILLARY TAKES A FIRM STAND

Some of Senator Clinton’s opponents have charged that she tries to come out on all sides of an issue and refuses to commit to anything that might offend a voter somewhere Now she has come out unequivocally in favor of New York governor Eliott Spitzer’s decision to withdraw his proposal to grant driver’s licenses to illegal immigrants. The governor’s goal was to make the roads safer and to bring illegal immigrants out of the shadows.

The governor’s proposal made him the target of slings and arrows from every direction. When the topic came up in the Democratic debates two weeks ago, Mrs. Clinton in effect said, “Yes, no, maybe, let me think about it.” Her opponents suggested that maybe the New York senator was waffling just a little bit:

A spokesman for Barack Obama said, "When it takes two weeks and six different positions to answer one question on immigration, it's easier to understand why the Clinton campaign would rather plant their questions than answer them." Someone from Christopher Dodd’s campaign committee said of Mrs. Clinton was, "flip-flopping cubed. She was for it before she was against it, before she was for it, before she was against it."

Now that Sptizer has stuck his neck out and got his head chopped off, Mrs. Clinton has assumed a firm position on the issue: "I support Governor Spitzer's decision today to withdraw his proposal. As president, I will not support driver's licenses for undocumented people and will press for comprehensive immigration reform that deals with all of the issues around illegal immigration including border security and fixing our broken system." How is that for telling it like it is?

You won’t find Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin hemming and hawing like that. As soon as he decides which way the wind is blowing and what position will be best for his campaign, he will embrace it.

VAST RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY SEEKS TO PROTECT GIULIANI

Former book publisher Judith Regan sued New Corporation yesterday, She charged that the right-wing media giant , her former employer, encouraged her to lie to federal investigators. In 2004 Bernard Kerik had been nominated to head the Homeland Security Administration. Earlier Ms. Regan had had an affair with Kerik, a married man. They carried on their romance in an apartment that was intended as a resting place for ground zero workers. As a nominee to a high federal post, Kerik would be thoroughly investigated. News Corporation, according to the suit, wanted Regan to lie about her dalliance with the former New York City police commissioner.

Kerik had been recommended for the Homeland Security post by Rudy Giulani, the man who had named him to position of police commissioner. News Corporation had been promoting Giuliani’s political career, and they didn’t want a scandal about Rudy’s protegé to embarrass the man who is now the Republican front runner. As it turned out, a little thing like an extra-marital fling was small potatoes for Kerik. He was recently indicted for income tax fraud.

Yes, Virginia, there is a vast right-wing conspiracy, and they’re willing to lie to get what they want.

PLANTED QUESTIONS

It’s so much neater if a politician can control a Q and A by planting the questions beforehand. Otherwise some wise guy in the audience is going to try to trip the speaker by asking embarrassing questions on topics about which the candidate has given no thought. People in the audience can derail the whole process and get on their own agenda, so why should a speaker give up control of the situation?

That is what someone on Mrs. Clinton’s staff thought when the candidate was speaking in Iowa last week. When Senator Clinton was speaking at Grinnell College in Iowa, a staffer prompted a college student to ask a question about global warming. When word of the planted question got out, Clinton claimed that she had no idea that the question had come from her own staff. She further stated that it was against her campaign’s policy to do such a thing. The whole thing calls to mind the recent “news conference” where the FEMA deputy director answered “questions” that had been distributed by his own staff. One of Mrs. Clinton’s opponents, John Edwards, criticized the event and compared it to methods used by George Bush.

Another Clinton opponent, Dr. Carl Perrin, sees nothing wrong with planting questions ahead of time. “I don’t know how times,” he says, “I’ve been giving a fascinating lecture on some really interesting topic like the great English vowel when some wise ass asks a question to throw me off the topic. Or they’ll say, ‘Professor Perrin, is this going to be on the test?’ It’s a lot better if you know what they’re going to ask ahead of time.”

IS RUDY ON THE WAY OUT?

Rudy Guiliani has been the Republican front runner for a while now, but things may be about to change. He is in favor of gay rights and abortion rights and gun control. When more Republicans discover his stand on these issues, they will have second thoughts about supporting him. In his campaigning, he doesn’t talk about these liberal issues. He focuses on his position on national defense. He is the one who can beat Democratic front runner Hillary Clinton. To bolster his national defense stance, he has signed on neocon Norman Podheretz.

The problem with that strategy is that the country is fed up with the neocons and the damage they have already done. Then there is Guiliani’s pretegé Bernie Kerek who has been indicted on various charges. Does Rudy have the judgment to be entrusted with running the country?

The event that is really going to throw the monkey wrench into Guiliani’s campaign is the endorsement by super kook Pat Robertson. Why would Robertson endorse a thrice-married candidate whose positions on social issues are so far from his own? Why wouldn’t Robertson endorse fellow-evangelical Mike Huckabee? Maybe he offered to endorse Huckabee, and the former Baptist minister said, “Thanks, Pat, but no thanks.” Maybe Huckabee knew that an endorsement by Robertson would be the kiss of death. And somehow he persuaded Robertson to endorse that closet Democrat Rudy Guiliani. Any sane people who had been thinking about supporting Rudy would wonder, What is wrong with him that Pat Robertson thinks he is the best candidate?

COMMUNICATIONS/CAMPAIGN DIRECTOR

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin was surprised to learn that some people in New Hampshire have never heard of him. It really shouldn’t have been surprising since he moved out of the state almost 50 years ago. However, with the New Hampshire primary coming up in a couple of months, it is crucial to get his name out to the Granite Staters.

What we need is someone to direct Perrin’s campaign in New Hampshire. Of course it would have to be a volunteer job since Perrin doesn’t have enough money to pay anyone. The campaign director should be someone younger than Perrin. (That shouldn’t be hard to find. Even John McCain is younger than Carl Perrin.) It should be someone who understands YouTube and FaceBook and stuff like that. There is no budget for advertising or anything, so the director would have to rely on free sources of publicity.

If you are interested in helping out in this important activity, you don’t even have to send in a resume or contact the candidate. Just get out there and get on the job. You’ll be doing a service for democracy.

THE GOP’s FAVORITE DEMOCRAT

Hillary Clinton has been under attack by her closest rivals in the campaign for the Democratic nomination, but you don’t hear Republicans trying to tear her down. Republicans want Hillary to get the nomination because they believe she will be the easiest to beat in the general election. Why do they think that? People don’t trust her. If you google “Stop Hillary,” you get 99,100 hits. Some people don’t like Rudy Guiliani either, but if you google “Stop Rudy,” you get only 8,790 hits.

Yes, Republicans want Hillary to be the Democratic nominee because she has more negatives than any other candidate. They believe that even a flawed opponent like Rudy Guiliani can beat her in the general election, and that should give pause to all Democrats.

Compare general perception of Hillary Clinton to that of Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin. It is hard to imagine a movement to stop Perrin’s candidacy or to conceive of legions of people coming out to vote for “anyone but Perrin.” If the Democrats want to win the general election, they have to choose a candidate like Carl Perrin, a man of the people and the people’s choice.

WHERE DOES HE GET THEM?

Rudy Guiliani already is getting advice from “Let’s bomb Iran” Norman Podheretz. Now he has an endorsement from “Let’s assassinate Hugo Chavez” Pat Robertson. Guiliani may be grateful to have the endorsement of Evangelical Christian Pat Robertson because conservatives have reservations about the thrice-married New Yorker, who was in favor of abortion and gay rights until he began running for president, but we wonder how many rational people will be swayed by the Robertson endorsement.

According to Robertson, he was able to pray several hurricanes away from his Virginia Beach, Virginia, headquarters. He also agreed with Jerry Falwell when the latter stated that 9/11 was caused by “pagans, abortionists, feminists, gays, lesbians, the ACLU, and People for the American Way.” Robertson stated at one point that it might be a good idea to assassinate Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. Then he charged that the people of Dover, Pennsylvania, had rejected God by voting out of office the school board that supported the teaching of intelligent design in public schools.

Robertson has some background in politics; he ran for the presidency himself in 1988. Perhaps Rudy could choose Robertson as a running mate. Maybe Pat could use his powers to do something about Ahmadinejad. We didn’t think there could be anyone in political life much weirder than Dick Cheney, but clearly we were wrong.

LOOK AT THE COMPETITION

One of Rudy Guiliani’s advisors wants to bomb Iran. Before he resigned, one of Fred Thompson’s chief fund raisers was a convicted drug dealer. Mike Huckabee doesn’t believe in evolution. Dennis Kucinich has seen UFOs. Hillary Clinton is the Democratic front runner, but no one likes her.

With competition like that, it should be clear that the country needs a calm, rational person for the presidency, someone who owes nothing to special interests. In short, a man like Dr. Carl Perrin, a man of the people and the people’s choice.

FUND RAISING

Republican congressman Ron Paul raised $4.07 million dollars for his presidential campaign on Guy Fawkes Day (November 5). Senator Hillary Clinton raised even more than that on June 30. On that one day she collected $6.2 million.

Although his fund raising is nothing like that of Paul or Clinton, Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin recently had a big day. On Halloween Perrin raised $21.42. $1.42 was from a collection jar that he left in the clubhouse at his retirement village. The rest from in the form of a twenty-dollar bill he found in the parking lot.

Although other candidates have a lot more money than he has, Perrin isn’t worried. In just a couple of months the primary season will be open. Perrin doesn’t plan to campaign in Iowa, but he hopes to do well in New Hampshire. He’s not planning to spend any money in the Granite State, but he has a lot of contacts there. He grew up in Amherst, NH, and graduated from Amherst High School. He attended Keene Teachers College and graduated from the University of New Hampshire and earned at master’s degree from Rivier College in Nashua, NH. He also started his teaching career at Hollis High School in Hollis, NH.

Although Perrin is not planning to spend any of his campaign funds in New Hampshire, he knows New Hampshire people, and he knows they will understand his desire not to spend any money if he can avoid it.

PERRIN IS SWIFTBOATED!

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has come under vicious attack by the wine industry. Not a single industry has contributed to Perrin’s campaign for the Democratic nomination, but one industry has pulled out all stops in an effort to sink the former professor’s campaign. The wine industry will stoop to any dirty trick deny the presidency to Perrin.

In an effort to turn wine drinkers against Perrin, last month’s issue of The Vinters’ Monthly stated, falsely we might add, that Perrin had referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs. Perrin replied that the statement is an outright lie, and The Vinters’ Monthly can expect to hear from his lawyers. First of all, Perrin explained, his wife is a wine drinker. If he actually referred to wine drinkers as effete Francophile snobs, he would be in the dog house. The wine industry’s lie seeks not only to turn wine drinkers against Perrin; it also seeks to alienate Francophiles. That is really ridiculous, Perrin says. “In case you haven’t noticed, Perrin is a French name.”

The wine industry is evidently motivated by the fear that when Perrin becomes president, people will turn away from wine, and we will become a nation of beer drinkers. To that fear, Perrin says they have nothing to worry about. “If people want to drink wine, that’s okay with me. I just happen to prefer cheap beer.”

THE GUILIANI ADMINISTRATION

Rudy Guiliani really knows how to pick them. Still, you’ve got to hand it to him. He likes to give a guy a chance. Even though his friend Berny Kerik was suspected of having mob connections, Rudy didn’t let that stand in the way of appointing Berny New York City police commissioner. Now one of his advisers is “Let’s bomb Iran” Norman Podheretz.

If Rudy is elected president, maybe he could find a job in his administration for Al Gonzalez, something that doesn’t require congressional confirmation. Come to think of it, Dick Cheney will be out of work then. Maybe Rudy could find something for him to do.

COLBERT OFF THE BALLOT IN SOUTH CAROLINA

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin breathed a sigh of relief when he learned that South Carolina Democrats had rejected Stephen Colbert’s bid to appear on the ballot in the state’s primary. Perrin has some connection with South Carolina, having been stationed at Fort Jackson, just outside of Columbia during the Korean War. Nevertheless, our favorite candidate knew it would be tough to go against South Carolina native son Stephen Colbert.

Unfortunately Perrin will not be on the primary ballot either. No one told him that Thursday was the deadline for filing. Anyway, he doesn’t have $2500 in his campaign fund to pay the filing fee. Sure, money keeps coming in from Maine volunteers who are collecting returnable cans and bottle for him, but $2500 is more than he has raised since he began his campaign last spring.

Anyway, Perrin is appealing to South Carolina Democrats to write his name on the ballot. Some of you South Carolinians may remember him, the good-looking young soldier from the Dixie Division.

PERRIN ON THE ISSUES

Unlike some of the candidates who waffle and come down squarely on both sides of the issue, Dr. Carl Perrin is stating his positions clearly and unequivocally. Some of those candidates are so afraid of offending some element of the electorate that they have elevated to a high art the skills of dodging and weaving and evading questions on issues. Perrin, on the other hand, is going to tell it like it is. If some people don’t care for an honest, direct answer, then Perrin doesn’t need their votes.

On illegal immigration Dr. Perrin will form a committee to study that issue as soon as he is elected president. No one is more concerned than Perrin with this important problem.

As a senior citizen himself, struggling by on Social Security, Perrin knows how important that topic is not only to seniors, but to everyone who will someday become a senior. One of the first things Perrin will do as president is form a committee to study the best way to handle Social Security.

What should be done about Iran’s messing around with the atomic bomb? Surely this is one of the most pressing questions facing our country today, and as soon as he is elected, President Perrin will appoint a committee to get cracking on this problem.

There is a crisis in American health care with millions of people lacking health insurance. Several other Democratic candidates have come up with plans to deal with this issue, and that is commendable. Perrin plans to start a committee soon to study health care.

Bush’s ill-advised war in Iraq has been a disaster in every way, costing American and Iraqi lives, billions of dollars every month, and prestige around the world. The question is: how do we get out of it without making things worse than they are already? Never fear; Perrin will have a study group working on that.

And cheap beer? Perrin has already stated his position on that. He will keep beer prices affordable for the American beer-drinking public.