NEW HAIR FROM GENETICALLY ALTERED SPINACH

Stoney River, OH, resident, Jack Samuels ate some genetically altered spinach in January. Within a week he started growing new hair on his previously almost bald pate. Within two weeks the hair was growing wildly all over his head.

His wife Jessie told our reporter that whereas Mr. Samuels previously used to spent about five seconds running a comb through his thinning hair, now he spends an half an hour preening in front of the mirror, making sure that every hair is just right. “We have only one bathroom,” Mrs. Samuels told us, “and I have to wait forever to get into it and do my hair.”

Another problem Samuels has, according to his wife, is that now he has “bad hair days.” When he gets one of those, she told us, there’s no point in even trying to talk to him. He just sits around brooding all day.

Our reporter asked Mr. Samuels what he thought of his new hair. He shook his head sadly and said, “It’s really a pain in the butt. It grows so fast that I have to get a haircut every week. If I let it go just one week, it becomes so shaggy that I can’t do a thing with it. Not only that, but it isn’t the same color or texture as my old hair.”

“Still, it must be nice to have hair again,” we suggested.

“No, it’s really a pain. I have to spend so much time taking care of it that I hardly have time to watch NASCAR races on television.”

Apparently, no matter what they have, some people will just never be satisfied.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is very interested in this genetically altered spinach. If any readers know where he can get some of it, please let us know.