PERRIN’S QUALIFICATIONS

People sometimes ask, What are Carl Perrin’s qualifications for high office? The answer is, all kinds of stuff. Like he has done some really impressive stuff in his lifetime. He has shown leadership from the time he was a senior patrol leader in his Boy Scout troop. He graduated as valedictorian of his six-member graduating class. His leadership skills are still in evidence today where he serves as president of the Computer Club at his retirement village.

He has military and administrative experience from his service during the Korean War as a personnel clerk. The army sent him to clerk-typist school at Fort Jackson, SC, where he was named the “Outstanding Graduate” of his class. You can see that this is a man who is always going to the head of the class.

Perrin did all kinds of important stuff, but one of his most important accomplishments is that he spent a half a century teaching English. If you want to know the answer to a grammar question, Perrin is the man to ask.

FUND RAISER LEAVES PERRIN IN THE HOLE

With all these candidates raising money with $500- and $1,000-a-plate dinners, Democratic candidate Carl Perrin thought he would try the same tactic. Instead of charging $500 or $1,000 for the dinner, Perrin decided on a more informal and less expensive venue, a cookout. Our candidate doesn’t know many people who can even afford those high-priced meals, so he was going to ask for a $5 donation to his campaign fund. Participants would get a hot dog and a soft drink.

One thing you have to say about Carl Perrin is that he is a realist. He knew he wasn’t going to get a thousand people to his cookout, even at $5 a head. He bought enough hot dogs and soft drinks for 100 people. The problem was, only eleven people showed up. Half of those just happened to be walking by.

What to do with all the extra hotdogs? Perrin didn’t have enough room in his freezer for dozens of hot dogs, so he insisted that the people who came to the cookout take some hot dogs home with them.

The problem was, the food, simple though it was, cost more than the funds he raised. He spent his entire campaign treasury on the cookout. Although he didn’t raise much money, he hopes he created some good will. He spent all his cash, but he knows that his supporters in Maine are saving returnable bottles for him to turn in for cash when he goes campaigning in there this summer. In the meantime, his staff is exploring new ways to raise campaign money.

To any of you Perrin supporters who are reading this, the candidate will appreciate any fund-raising suggestions you might have.

GREAT NEWS!

Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have apparently found a cure for baldness. University scientists removed small portions of the outer layer of skin from mice in an experiment. When the skin grew back, hair follicles sprouted new hair! That may be all very well if you’re a mouse, you might say, but the procedure could be used to restore hair to bald men.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin naturally was interested in this scientific breakthrough. He realized that with no hair on the top of his head, even a $400 haircut wouldn’t make him look as good as John Edwards. But with this scientific advance, maybe he could compete in the hair department.

Perrin wants his supporters to know that it not vanity that leads to an interest in regrowing his hair. If he were not a candidate for the presidency of the United States, he would not care whether he had any hair at all. However, you may have noticed that almost all U. S. presidents have had lots of hair. The only bald president we can think of in the last 100 years is Eisenhower, and Eisenhower was a hero of World War II when he ran for office.

Perrin doesn’t have the advantage of being a war hero, so the hair question is important to him. Our question is, Would you vote for a bald non-hero for the presidency? Here’s another question: Would you vote for a bald-headed man who suddenly sprouted a full head of hair?

This is important. Please add a comment so that Perrin will know what to do in this important issue.