WHAT DOES ROMNEY REALLY BELIEVE?

MASSACHUSETTS FLIP FLOPPER

No, not John Kerry. We’re talking about that other Massachusetts flip-flopper, Mitt Romney. John McCain’s campaign is running out of steam, and we don’t know what to expect from Rudy Guiliani. But we do know what to expect from former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney: We can expect him to flip flop on issues. You remember Romney, the man who described himself as a life-long hunter, when it turned out that in his long life he had been on only two hunting trips.

It turns out that the secret of his success so far has been to flip flop on everything. In Massachusetts he presented himself as a moderate. Now he is trying to woo conservative voters by claiming to be a conservative. In 1994, while running for the U. S. Senate, he was pro-abortion, pro-homosexual rights. He said, “We seek to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens.” Now he is anti-abortion and a strong advocate of traditional marriage. He is against adding sexual orientation to nondiscrimination laws. He has come out firmly on both sides of every issue from crop subsidies to immigration to Iraq to campaign financing to Guantanamo.

Our favorite candidate, Dr. Carl Perrin, was born in Massachusetts, but he is no flip-flopper. Perrin has always been in favor of cheap beer, American-brewed cheap beer. He is in favor of crop supports for barley to keep the price of beer affordable to every American. A vote for Perrin is a vote for cheap beer.

WHITE HOUSE DENIES RUMORS

White House spokesman Tony Snow said there was nothing to the rumor that President Bush is planning to move to Albania. During the president’s recent European trip, demonstrators in Germany and Italy came out in large numbers to protest against Bush. Back in the United States Republican senators mortally wounded Bush's immigration bill, even after he went personally to Capitol Hill to lobby for it.

In Albania, on the other hand, the crowds loved him. They cheered and applauded when they saw him and called out “BOOSH-Y BOOSH-Y!” Some Albanians traveled by bus for eight hours just to catch a sight of the president. Along the route from the airport, people waved American flags and sported paper Uncle Sam hats. Albanian prime minister Sali Berisha called Bush, “the greatest and most distinguished guest we have ever had in all times.”

Even though the White House denies it, many still believe the rumor. Why else, they ask, is Bush planning during a Congressional recess to appoint Karl Rove ambassador to Albania? He knows that Rove would never win Senate approval during its regular session. And why is Alberto Gonzales researching the legalities of Bush’s running for president or prime minister or something of Albania? It certainly makes you wonder.