HOW MANY MARBLES DOES DR PERRIN STILL HAVE?

A study at the University of Bari showed that older people who are losing it mentally may be able to keep it together a little longer by having one alcoholic drink a day. Participants in the studies were from their mid-sixties to their mid-eighties. Among those who experienced mild cognitive impairment, those who had up to one drink a day experienced less dementia than the teetotalers.

Lakewood, NJ, socialite Dr. Carl Perrin is known for his healthy life style. He is especially fond of health food if that food is chocolate, beer, or even coffee. Perrin wants to keep what marbles he still has, so he was particularly interested in the Bari study. If one drink a day is good for you mentally, two a day must be twice as good, Perrin reasoned. So he tries not to let a single day go by without a couple of drinks to help his mental health.

See Perrin above at left with a martini to help him keep as many marbles as he can.

Ungrateful teenagers

TEENAGERS DEFY RULES OF COMMON DECENCY

Back in the days when Dr. Perrin was a teenager, kids went to school to learn. They paid attention and did what they were told. They dressed up to go to school and never wore jeans or anything really casual to class. If they acted up and got in trouble at school, they would be in even more trouble when they got home.

Unfortunately, times have changed, and not for the better. Today’s teens act up in a way that their parents and especially their grandparents would never had dared. Not only that, but they dress in ways that would have been unthinkable a couple of generations ago. Recently 14-year-old Tony Kay Scott, a student at the Redwood Middle School in California showed up for class wearing an outrageous outfit. She was wearing a denim skirt, a brown shirt with a pink border, but the really offensive item was the pair of long socks bearing a picture of Tigger, the character from A. A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh!

Fortunately, the school was doing its job. This young troublemaker was escorted to the principal’s office by a uniformed police officer. From there she was sent to an in-school suspension program called Students with Attitude Problems. The school hoped to nip this attitude in the bud. Had the school not acted, this juvenile delinquent might have shown up for class wearing Mickey Mouse tee-shirts or clothes with pictures of Winnie the Pooh or Piglet, or heaven knows what.

Clearly the girl was incorrigible. Later in the year she was disciplined for other violations of the school dress code, once for wearing a shirt with a butterfly emblem, once for wearing clothes with an anti-drug message, and once for wearing a pink tennis shoe! Obviously this young lady was looking for trouble.

You try to help these kids, and they don’t appreciate it. Instead of being grateful to the school, Miss Tony Kay Scott and her parents went to the ACLU, which is now suing the school district on behalf of the student.

CHENEY MISPLACED

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY MISPLACED

Just before Memorial Day a small plane flew into restricted air space near Washington, D. C. The President was out of town, but Vice President Cheney was at work in the White House.

Not taking any chances, the Secret Service hustled the Vice President into hiding. It turned out that the small plane in the restricted air space did not offer any kind of threat to anyone in Washington. The problem arose when the Secret Service went to take the VP out of hiding. They couldn’t remember where they had hidden him! Personally we don’t blame the Secret Service. We have stuff hidden all over the house, and we can’t remember what we hid, much less where we hid it.

Anyway the Secret Service and the White House staff are blaming each other for losing the Vice President, with each side saying that the other was responsible for remembering where they had hidden Mr. Cheney. One member of the vice president’s staff said, “This never would have happened when Scooter was here.”

There is some speculation that the Vice President knew that the threat is over, and he figured that, since the next day was a holiday, he might as well just start his holiday weekend a few hours early. He had some leave time coming, so maybe he decided to take a week or so off. Some people are even suggesting that we will not see Mr. Cheney until after July 4.

We are not saying that this is what happened. We acknowledge that the story is mere speculation, but if it is true, we think the VP should get back on the job. After all, we ’re not paying him a big salary to take an extended vacation every time a small plane flies over the nation’s capital.

Sexual Orientation Revealed

PERRIN REVEALS SEXUAL ORIENTATION

The photo of Carl Perrin and “Natashia” that came to light last week has led some people to raise questions about Perrin’s sexuality. In the photo, a mustachioed “Natashia”, smoking a cigar and wearing a dress, has an arm around Perrin’s shoulder. Perrin is wearing his reserve officer’s uniform. To some it hardly seems credible that Perrin, a Ph. D., didn’t even notice that “Natashia” had a mustache. “Anyway, we were just friends,” the candidate insisted.

For a long time under intense questioning by reporters, Perrin kept avoiding the issue of his sexual orientation. At last, he broke down and confessed that he is a heterosexual. “Not only am I a heterosexual,” he said, “but my sexual orientation is directly related to my having been married three times. At least with me, you won’t have to worry about my chasing male congressional pages around.”

While he was in a confessional mood, Perrin went on to reveal another shortcoming. He disclosed that he is a chocoholic. He admits that he has a chocolate bar “now and then,” but insists that he is able to keep his craving for chocolate under control. “I’m not going to go on a chocolate binge and send the army to invade Newfoundland or anything like that.”

BOMBSHELL

Another bombshell has landed on Carl Perrin’s campaign for the Democratic nomination for the presidency. Just yesterday, a picture of Perrin with a mystery woman surfaced. Perrin refused to identify the woman and insisted that they were just friends anyway.

Now a new picture emerges (or rather an old one). This picture shows Perrin with a companion, taken back in the 70s. Perrin in his reserve officer’s uniform is shown with someone identified just as “Natashia,” who has an arm around a smiling Perrin.

Perrin insists that he and “Natashia” were “just friends." Sound familiar? Anyway, is this “Natashia” person a man or a woman. Perrin insists she is a woman. “She’s wearing a dress, isn’t she?” he asks.

Did Perrin notice that “Natashia” had a mustache and was smoking a cigar? Perrin admits that he didn’t notice these things. “It wasn’t that kind of a relationship,” he says.

PHOTOS REVEAL PERRIN’S SECRET LIFE

It is unfortunate that when someone tries to serve his country by running for the presidency, everyone tries to dig up dirt about the candidate. For a long time rumors were going around that Dr. Carl Perrin was overly fond of women and indeed was not above a little fooling around on the side. Since all this chatter was below the surface, Perrin’s campaign staff could do nothing about it.

Then, as Perrin was coming out of Dunkin Donuts with a small coffee and two jelly donuts, Matt Drudge confronted him with the photo seen above. “She’s just a friend,” the candidate insisted. “Every couple of weeks she would bring me a roast chicken from Costco. There was never anything more than that.” But the issue has been raised, and voters will be suspicious, even though Perrin is completely innocent.

“It just shows how desperate the opposition is,” Perrin went on, “that they would sink to releasing pictures like this in an attempt to destroy my candidacy.” Perrin vows to keep working toward his goal and not let ugly rumors stand in his way.

MILLIONAIRE CANDIDATES

MILLIONAIRE CANDIDATES

Ten of the 40 or 50 candidates running for the presidency are millionaires. The rest are not exactly hurting for money—all except Dr. Carl Perrin, who is as poor as a church mouse. No wonder John Edwards can afford $400 for a haircut, while Perrin has to wait for his Social Security check to pay for his $8 cut. Not only is Edwards a millionaire, but he was paid $479,000 as a part-time consultant to a hedge fund. Wow! Perrin never got paid anything like that even working full time.

People for Perrin, an organization of all eleven of our candidate’s backers, is calling for a change in rules. Millionaires should not be allowed to run for high office. To be eligible to run, wealthy candidates should be compelled to share their money with candidates who have less money, like Perrin, for example. That would level the playing field and be fairer.

What do you think? Let us have your thoughts.

GREAT NEWS!

Scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have apparently found a cure for baldness. University scientists removed small portions of the outer layer of skin from mice in an experiment. When the skin grew back, hair follicles sprouted new hair! That may be all very well if you’re a mouse, you might say, but the procedure could be used to restore hair to bald men.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin naturally was interested in this scientific breakthrough. He realized that with no hair on the top of his head, even a $400 haircut wouldn’t make him look as good as John Edwards. But with this scientific advance, maybe he could compete in the hair department.

Perrin wants his supporters to know that it not vanity that leads to an interest in regrowing his hair. If he were not a candidate for the presidency of the United States, he would not care whether he had any hair at all. However, you may have noticed that almost all U. S. presidents have had lots of hair. The only bald president we can think of in the last 100 years is Eisenhower, and Eisenhower was a hero of World War II when he ran for office.

Perrin doesn’t have the advantage of being a war hero, so the hair question is important to him. Our question is, Would you vote for a bald non-hero for the presidency? Here’s another question: Would you vote for a bald-headed man who suddenly sprouted a full head of hair?

This is important. Please add a comment so that Perrin will know what to do in this important issue.

PERRIN’S HAIRCUT FUND

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin wants to thank all the people who contributed to his haircut fund. (See May 4 blog.) The total amount raised for this appeal was $1.13. The campaign staff is pleased that five people gave generously to this fund. The $1.13 along with the $7.13 that was already in the fund comes to $8.26. That’s a long way from the $400 that candidate John Edwards paid for his haircut, but it is enough for Perrin’s usual $8.00 cut.

But here is the really good news: When Perrin’s Social Security check came in at the beginning of the month, he paid for his $8.00 haircut out of his own pocket. That means he still has $8.26 in his campaign fund for advertising in the days to come. Naturally he is going to save the money for a big media blitz when the primaries are near.

In the meantime Perrin has an image question that his supporters could help him with. Perrin’s wife Janet has suggested that he let his hair grow a little longer and tie it into a pony tail. Would a pony tail look ridiculous for a man in his seventies, a presidential candidate? Or would it make him look even more cool than he does now?

Your opinion really matters. Just click on the email icon at the bottom of this blog and take a couple of minutes to let the candidate know what hair style he should adopt.

IS PERRIN THE VICTIM OF A SCAM?

Prominent scholar Carl Perrin (seen in picture at left) has been elected to prestigious H. Pierpont Peasblossom Society. According to the letter Perrin received from the society, he was nominated for this honor because of his many achievements in journalism, literature, computer, science, and education, as well as other stuff. All he had to do was to send $29.95 to pay for the cost of printing his certificate of membership.

Naturally Perrin sent the $29.95 right away but never received the certificate. When we attempted to look up the H. Pierpont Peasblossom Society, we could find no evidence that it ever existed. Evidently Perrin is a victim of scam foisted on gullible senior citizens. Even though he never got the certificate, Perrin framed the original letter he got from the society and has it hanging in his office.

NUDISTS

Carl Perrin is hopping mad. Solair Recreation League of Connecticut is discriminating against senior citizens. Solair is a nudist colony where membership is on a sliding scale based on age. Annual membership for college students is $150. If you are between college age and 40, will cost you $300. Anyone over 40 will have to pay $500 a year to walk around naked at Solair. That is outrageous. Senior citizens should get a break as they do in so many other areas, from restaurants to movies to airline tickets.

Senior citizens should pay less rather than more to display their sagging bodies to younger folks. In fact nudist colonies should pay older citizens who have the courage to walk around naked. Better yet, those places should pay older men and women to keep their clothes on and walk around. Carl Perrin, a patriotic American, is willing to stroll around, wearing only a trench coat, in any nudist colony that will make a substantial contribution to his campaign fund.

ADMINISTRATION KEEPS LOSING PEOPLE

Monica Goodling, former liaison between Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and the White House, resigned her position on April 7. Like “Randy” Tobias and Julie MacDonald, Ms. Goodling resigned for personal reasons rather than being fired for incompetence. However, she told the House Judiciary Committee that she would claim the Fifth Amendment against self-incrimination if they forced her to testify. Clearly this woman is a credit to the Bush administration.

Although Ms. Goodling was not fired herself, House Democrats are interested in her role in the firing of eight U. S. Attorneys, all of them a bunch of trouble makers suspected of being closet Democrats. Now she has been granted immunity, and her lawyer assures that, “She’ll do her level best to be candid and forward in her testimony.” This is reassuring, especially after the candid and forward testimony of her former boss.

What is happening to the administration? They lost Rummy and Wolfie and Brownie, Andy and Randy, Julie and now Monica. Is there anyone left in the White House other than Karl and Dick to help the president?

HBO CEO CHARGED WITH ASSAULT

Chris Albrecht, CEO of HBO, has been forced to resign after being charged with assaulting his girl friend in a Las Vegas parking lot. Mr. Albrecht said that he was an alcoholic, and that the incident had occurred while he was under the influence.

There has been a lot of that sort of thing going on lately. When he was stopped by police last year, actor/director Mel Gibson unleashed a flood of anti-Semitic invective against the arresting officer. Later Gibson said he was not an anti-Semite. It was the booze talking. Then there was former congressman Mark Foley, who had been chair of the house caucus on missing and exploited children. He resigned his office when it became known that he had tried to exploit teenage male pages himself. The problem, he said, was that he was an alcoholic. He checked himself into a alcoholism treatment center.

Sadly, Dr Carl Perrin, usually a mild-mannered English professor, has also been charged with assaulting a clerk at Wal-Mart. It all happened when Perrin asked the clerk where something was. The clerk, according to Perrin, “a slack-jawed Neanderthal with purple hair and ring in his eyebrow,” answered, “We ain’t got none of them things no more.”

Perrin, who spent a half a century trying to teach numbskulls how to write a literate sentence, admits he just lost it. He picked up a pad of paper and hit the clerk over the head with it. He was going to have the clerk write, “We don’t have any of those things any more,” a hundred times, but he was escorted out of the store by security.

“I probably wouldn’t have done it,” Perrin said, “but I am a chocoholic, and I had just eaten a large sized Hershey bar with almonds.”

Time magazine came out with its list of 100 most influential people. It should be no surprise that Dr. Carl Perrin was not on the list. The magazine keeps coming out with these lists of 100 most influential and always omits prominent scholar Professor Carl Perrin.

It would not be so bad if everyone on the list was famous or something, but they aren’t. Have you ever heard of any of these people: Paul Allen, Elizabeth Blackburn, Svante Paabo, Tullis Onstatt, Kari Stefansson, Klaus Schwab, Indra Nooyi, Ho Ching, Bernard Arnault? Frankly, neither have we. Yet everyone knows Carl Perrin. Just ask anyone in the retirement village where he lives, if they know Perrin. They all know him.

Both Angelina and Brad made the list, but neither Carl nor his wife, talented artist Janet Perrin was selected. Bill AND Melinda Gates. Well, ho-hum. Pierre AND Pam Omidyar. But neither Carl nor Janet. Something is wrong here.

It seems to us that it is part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy that is attempting to prevent Dr. Perrin from getting the Democratic nomination for president. Those right wing nuts know that none of their candidates will have a chance against a natural leader like Dr. Carl Perrin.

LIBERALS IN CONSERVATIVE CLOTHING?

In the debate between Republican contenders a week ago, only three raised their hands to indicate that they believed in evolution: Senator Sam Brownback, Governor Mike Huckabee, and Representative Tom Tancredo. Our question is, what about the rest of them? Do they all accept this scientific folderol over the literal word of the Bible?

You can’t help but wonder about the family values of men like ‘Rudy Guiliani and Newt Gingrich, both of whom have been married three times and John McCain, who has chalked up two marriages. Gingrich was cheating on his second wife even as he lead the charge in the effort to impeach Bill Clinton over his dalliance with bimbo Monica Lewinski.

Mike Huckabee may not be perfect, but at least he believes in the Second Commandment: “do unto others,” as he said in an interview with Time magazine writer Joe Klein (p. 23, March 26, 2007). Wait a minute! Do unto others? Isn’t that the Golden Rule? The Second Commandment warns, "You shall not make for yourself a graven image.” The guy doesn’t believe in science, and he doesn’t know the Bible.

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin also believes in the Second Commandment. He may not be perfect, but he has never made a graven image for himself.

BUSH ADMINISTRATION LOSES ANOTHER OFFICIAL
If you listen to the Democrats, you would get the idea that half the current administration is incompetent. However, several recent bureaucrats have resigned for reasons other than incompetence. A little over a week ago “Randy” Tobias resigned as State Department undersecretary. Randy, former head of the president’s global AIDS program who counseled abstinence rather than condoms, resigned for personal reasons after it was learned that he had paid “gals” to come to his condo to give him a massage.

Now it is Julie MacDonald, former Deputy Assistant Secretary in the Department of the Interior. True, she did have some problems with the scientists who worked for the department. These scientists were always trying to put species on the endangered list. When a species is on the endangered list, its habitat is protected. The scientists just cared about themselves and the species in question. They had no regard for business interests. If the habitat was in an area where oilmen wanted to drill or public land where cattlemen wanted their herd to graze, the scientists just ignored those considerations.

While she was at Interior, Ms. MacDonald struck a blow for free enterprise. She kept rewriting those scientific reports so that species were not declared endangered and habitats were not protected from business interests. She even went so far as to share internal documents with lawyers who represented organizations that had sued the Interior Department over decisions on endangered species. Instead of getting a medal like George Tenet, she was forced out.

We are sorry to see a free-spirited bureaucrat like Ms. MacDonald go, but not everyone shares that feeling. Kieran Suckling, one of the scientists who had clashed with the deputy assistant secretary said, “Julie MacDonald’s reign of terror over the U. S. Fish and Wildlife Service is finally over.”

DOES PERRIN NEED A HAIRCUT?

All right, $400 does seem like a lot to pay for a haircut, but you have to admit John Edwards looks pretty good. Maybe part of the reason Edwards was able to raise $14 million of his presidential campaign while Dr. Carl Perrin raised only $7.13 is that Edwards has a better haircut. Perrin admitted somewhat sheepishly that he pays his barber only $8.

With that thought in mind, Perrin began to wonder if he could raise more money for his campaign if he had a better haircut. The problem is, there is not enough money in the campaign fund right now for even Perrin’s usual $8 haircut. You can help. You can make a difference in our great nation by contributing to Carl Perrin’s haircut fund. Just make a contribution to Dr Carl Perrin’s PayPal account to help in this worthwhile cause.

Is Hugh Grant the kind of man who would throw a tub of bake beans at someone? Improbable as it seems, Grant is accused of assaulting freelance photographer Ian Whitaker with a giant tub of baked beans. When Whitaker asked Grant to smile for the camera, the actor lost his temper and attacked the photographer, who claimed that the assault left him, "bruised, battered, and covered with baked beans."

Reggie Thornwhistle, a family friend, said, "We’re worried about Hughie. He was a good lad growing up, but once he got to Hollywood, things began to change. First there was that awful incident with a prostitute a dozen years ago. We thought he had straightened out since then, but now we find he’s assaulting people with tubs of baked beans. It’s getting so when you see him with baked beans, you don’t know whether to smile or run for cover."

CANDIDATES ANNOUNCE FUNDS RAISED
Several presidential candidates have announced how much money they have raised during the first quarter for their campaigns. Hillary Clinton is way ahead with $26 million, followed closely by Barack Obama with $25 million and John Edwards with $14 million. At the end of the line but still in the race is our favorite candidate, Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin told our reporter that he had $7.13 in his campaign treasury. That included two IOUs, one for 50 cents and one for $1.25. Almost a dollar of the money is in returnable bottles from the state of Maine. "I’ll be going to Maine this summer," Perrin said. "I’ll redeem the bottles then." He also raised quite a lot by searching under the cushions on his couch. Perrin added, "None of this money comes from special interests. When I am elected, I will be beholden only to the people of this great country."

PERRIN ON A HARLEQUIN ROMANCE COVER?
Harlequin Romance is looking for a new kind of male model for their book covers. "We're looking for some guys that are not your usual models, but have that iconic look that women go for -- sexy, sensitive, beautiful and fit," said Harlequin spokeswoman Marleah Stout. "We want real men ... exactly what you think in your mind when you're fantasizing or imagining that ideal man. A lot of the models were too young, men in their twenties ... and our audience likes men a little bit older, a bit bigger, than the runway models."

When Lakewood, NJ, socialite Carl Perrin read that description, he recognized that they were describing someone just like him. The sexy, sensitive, beautiful and fit goes without saying of course. He is also quite a bit older as well as bigger than he used to be. He sent his resume and a picture to the publisher. You can expect to see him soon on the cover of a Harlequin Romance.