LEONA HELMSLEY’S HOUSEKEEPER

It is hard to write this because I have to keep wiping the tears from my eyes. The Queen of Mean’s housekeeper, Zamfira Sfara, reported that Helmsely’s little pooch “Trouble” was a mean little shit. You never could tell when he was going to bite. He bit security men, staff people, and even hotel customers, but mostly he bit Zamfira.

The hotel chef would have to cook food for the little bugger, and the housekeeper would have to get down on her knees and feed him from her fingers. He bit her numerous times. She has nerve damage from the multiple bites and still wears a brace on her right hand.

Everyone knows by now that Leona Helmsley left nothing to two of her grandchildren and $12 million to the little doggie. Leona loved him evidently because they shared that same nasty disposition.

Zamfira is suing for damages to her hand. We hope she wins. The little son of a bitch may have $12 million, but he doesn’t have Leona around to protect him anymore.

IDAHO SENATOR PLEADS GUILTY TO SOLICITING VOTES

Idaho Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex in a public restroom in the Minneapolis airport. When news of the arrest came out, prominent Republicans started calling for Craig’s resignation. One Republican congressman said, “After the Mark Foley thing, this is just too much. Craig is giving politicians a bad name.”

GOP Senator Kit Bond said he was praying for Craig, but he added, “It is unacceptable for a member of Congress to be soliciting sex in a public restroom.” If a politician is going to be soliciting sex, it should be in place where he won’t be likely to get caught.

As for Craig, he said it was all a misunderstanding. “Sure I was soliciting in a public restroom, but I was soliciting voters, not sex. Since when is it illegal for a politician to solicit voters in a public place?”

RATS DESTERTING A SINKING SHIP

First there was Rummy who resigned but not until he had practically destroyed the U. S. military. Then Karl decided to go back to Texas, but before he left, his dirty politics made it almost impossible for any bipartisan cooperation. Before Bush was elected, he said he would be able to work with Democrats as well as Republicans. Instead he can’t even work with Republicans. He said he would be a uniter, not a divider. He has united the country by turning everyone against him and his failed policies.

Now Al is going back to Texas along with Karl, but before he left, he destroyed the credibility of the entire Department of Justice. Before Al resigned, a handful of overzealous political hacks did their damage at Justice.

The administration has been full of incompetents, political hacks, and partisan zealots from the beginning. Gale Norton and “Heck of a Job Brownie” come to mind. Now if we could only convince Uncle Dick to take an early retirement, and appoint someone to act as a keeper for George, to watch over him and make sure he doesn't bring the country into any more trouble.

In the meantime we have to hang in there and hope for the best. He has 512 days left in the White House.

TRIUMPHANT TOUR

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin returned to New Jersey after a grand tour of Maine. Everywhere he went, supporters greeted him with plastic bags full of returnable cans and bottles. They overwhelmed the bottle redemption centers throughout Cumberland County to cash in all those returnables.

All told, they raised over $200, more than enough to pay the candidate’s expenses for his tour. With the money left over he threw a beer party for his all-volunteer campaign staff. Those Mainers really appreciate cheap beer.

GOING TO MAINE

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is heading for New England today. He expects to make some campaign stops in Connecticut and then move on to Maine. He is sure to pick up lots of endorsements for his candidacy in both places. Loyal supporters in Maine have been collecting returnable bottles to help finance his campaign. He now has $59.23 in his treasury. He is confident that when he turns in all those returnable bottles, the fund will be several hundred dollars.

We will be going to Maine to follow Dr. Perrin as he barnstorms through the state. We are not sure whether we will be able to post any blogs during this time of intense electioneering, but we will be back on August 30 with reports on Perrin’s progress in the Pine Tree State.

BOOK DEALS

Presidential candidates are picking up a few extra bucks with book deals. Hillary Clinton comes out ahead with an $8 million deal for “Living History.” Barack Obama has earned almost half a million for “The Audacity of Hope.” John Edwards got a half million dollar advance for “Home.” Even Dennis Kucinich earned $1700 for his 2004 book “A Prayer for America.”

John McCain leads the Republicans with book income of $335,000 in the last two years. Mike Huckabee and Rudy Guiliani each made almost $150,000 from their books.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has authored several books. In addition to some textbooks, he wrote “So You Want To Be A Writer,” a book for aspiring authors. That book is available through Amazon.com.

He also wrote “RFD 1, Grangely,” a collection of humorous stories about Maine. “RFD 1, Grangely” is out of print, but a few copies are still available directly from the author. Just email Perrin at grammaticus1@gmail.com

If any publishers want to offer Perrin a nice advance, you can reach him through the gmail address as well.

GOODBYE, KARL ROVE

Is Karl Rove the evil genius behind all the extralegal White House shenanigans? Is he the one who hatched all those plots that led members of the Bush administration around, above, or beyond the law? Is Rove the author of all those assaults on the Constitution?

In a word (Rove’s word), the answer is no. In a series of TV appearances over the weekend Rove said it was all the fault of others. He was just following orders. If tactical mistakes were made, they were not his fault.

He was not blame for revealing that Valerie Wilson was a covert CIA agent. He wasn’t even sure to this date that she was in fact an agent. What about his role in firing those closet-Democrat U.S. attorneys? Rove accused Fox News Chris Matthews of being an agent of the enemy (Congress) in even asking such a question. Why didn’t Congress pass the administration’s immigration reform bill? It wasn’t because conservative Republicans in Congress fought the bill so fiercely, according to Rove; it was because Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid didn’t push it hard enough.

Rove hadn’t even wanted to do the hip hop performance “M. C. Rove” at the White House Correspondents’ dinner in March. “They dragged me up there,” he said.

Now we’re really worried. If Rove wasn’t responsible for all those behind-the-scenes dirty tricks, will anything change when he leaves the White House? Will some other evil genius continue to mastermind misguided policies and assaults on the Constitution after Rove goes home to Texas?

NEWS FROM AROUND THE WORLD

ELEPHANT IDs

Scientists in southern India have come up with a plan to create photo IDs for wild elephants. That’s one of the craziest ideas we have heard of. What are the elephants going to do, use the IDs to buy beer? How many gallons of beer do you suppose an elephant can drink? And who’s going to pay for all that beer?

And what are people going to do when one of those elephants get drunk on cheap beer? It’s no easy task to handle a sober elephant. But imagine trying to control a drunk one. Or a bar full of them.

We say thumbs down on a bad idea.



NAKED NEWS

A Japanese TV company has a great idea, so naturally the government is trying to stop it. It is news coverage for the hearing impaired. A young woman gives the news in sign language, and in between news items, she removes articles of clothing. The program comes on just once a week. At first the Japanese government was helping to cover production costs for this valuable news program for hearing-impaired people, but when they realized the show included a striptease, they withdrew their coverage. The TV company is going to continue producing “Naked Sign Language News” without the government money.

Dr Carl Perrin has a hearing problem, so he would really appreciate a program like “Naked Sign Language News.” Just think, you can get the news and practice your sign language at the same time. It’s too bad we don’t have something like that in this country.”

WHY DOESN’T BUSH WANT GENERAL PETRAEUS TO TESTIFY IN PUBLIC BEFORE CONGRESS?

We have our own sources in the White House who gave us the inside story on this issue. We cannot reveal his identity because he is not authorized to speak to the press, especially the alternative press, especially this blog.

In his own words:

“The reason we can’t let Congress loose on General Petraeus is that they’re a bunch of nosey parkers. They’re always trying to find out stuff that is none of their beeswax. It’s hard enough to run the country without a bunch of liberals criticizing everything the president does.

“It goes back to the vice president's advisory committee on energy policy. Before we knew it, Congress was nosing around, trying to find out who was on the committee. What a nerve! They were digging around trying to get all that personal information.

“The next thing you know, they’re trying to find out who was behind firing all those closet-Democrat federal attorneys. I mean they've subpoenaed everyone from Karl Rove and Harriet Meiers to the White House cook. They’ll stop at nothing!

“So there’s no way we’re going to let those vultures at General Petraeus. They’ll be trying to weasel out all kinds of information we don’t want them to know. Instead we’ll let them talk to the secretaries of defense and state. They know how to handle those liberals. Also for the written report, we’re going to get the information from the general and write it ourselves. That way we can put the right slant on it, just the way we do with scientific reports.”

DEMOCRATIC WEAKNESSES

Realistically there doesn’t seem much chance of a Republican winning the White House in the next election. The disastrous six and a half years of the Bush presidency have made the public eager for something new. However much the Republican candidates try to distance themselves from the incumbent, voters cannot forget what a mess the Republicans in the White House and in Congress have got us into.

Whoever wins the Democratic nomination is almost sure to become the next president. The Democrats have a bunch of strong candidates, but all of the front runners have serious deficiencies. Hillary Clinton is ahead in the polls, but a lot of people of both parties will be voting for “anyone but Hillary.” Although she is highly competent, she doesn’t come across as a warm, honest person. It would be risky for the Democrats to nominate her.

The candidate in second place, Barack Obama, is more of a crowd pleaser than Mrs. Clinton, but his resume is thin. Mrs. Clinton herself has suggested that Obama is naïve and lacking in experience. He is particularly lacking in foreign relations experience. He got our Pakistan ally all in an uproar when he said he would send American troops to the Pakistan/Afghanistan border area to root out the Taliban.

The third of the front-place troika, John Edwards, appeals to the more liberal wing of the party, but he is quite a way behind Clinton and Obama in national polls. He doesn’t have much more experience than Obama, and like him, lacks in foreign relations experience. Also he spends too much on haircuts.

Admittedly Carl Perrin is at the very bottom of the polls. A lot of people don’t even know who he is. But that is changing. Dozens of people every day read this blog and spread the word about Perrin’s unique qualifications. We can’t imagine anyone wanting to vote for “anyone but Perrin.” Everyone likes him. He has a lot more experience than the whole lot of them put together. He spent a half a century trying to teach college freshmen the difference between “there “ and “their.” Sometimes he even succeeded.

Perrin has lots of foreign relations experience too. In his decades of teaching he had dozens of foreign students, so he has an insight into the way people from elsewhere think. Also people from around the world write in to his Grammar Doctor web site every week to ask questions about English grammar.

It’s time for a change. It’s time to elect a Ph.D. president of the United States.

NO FUNERAL IN OUR CHURCH FOR GAY VET

The nondenominational High Point Church of Arlington, Texas, was scheduled to hold a funeral service for Navy veteran Cecil Sinclair. Though Sinclair was not a member, his brother was a janitor at the church. On the day before the August 9 funeral, the church withdrew its offer because they learned something terrible about the deceased: He was gay.

Church spokesman Barry Timons said, “When we heard he was gay, we thought that meant, you know, well, happy. Then his obituary listed his partner as one of his survivors. At first we thought it was a business partner.

“It turned out the man was a homosexual, and homosexuality is a sin. We cannot be in the position of allowing funerals for sinners in our church.

“Even though we could not condone the lifestyle,” Timons went on, “we went above and beyond for the family through many acts of love and kindness. We hate the sin, but we love the sinner. We just don’t want to have a funeral for him in our church.”

CORRECTIONS

In the first quarter of this year, Hillary Clinton’s campaign reported donations of $26 million, just a hair ahead of Barack Obama’s $25.7 million. However, it turns out that both candidates collected less than originally reported. This was due to various clerical errors, such as credit card donations being charged twice by mistake and contributions that exceeded the legal limit of $2,300. Other candidates had similar experiences, so it turns out that Clinton and Obama took in about the same amount in the first quarter.

Republicans also had some invalid contributions. Mitt Romney had almost as many erroneous contributions as Hillary Clinton. He had $514 ,000 to her $540,000.

Even Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin took in less than he thought. In late July he reported $43.71 in his campaign treasury. That included a check for $1.00 that bounced and an IOU for $1.25. The person who write the IOU lost his job and couldn’t make good on the note. That brings his campaign fund down to $41.46 at the end of July.

As always, however, Perrin is upbeat. In a week and a half he will be in Maine where faithful supporters have been collecting returnable bottles to help boost his campaign funds. Although his campaign got off to a slow start, he is confident that the American public will see the value of having a retired English professor in the White House.

WE HAVEN’T HEARD FROM YOU YET, WARREN

Billionaire Warren Buffett will be hosting a fund raiser in Omaha, Nebraska, for Barack Obama this Wednesday. Last June he held a fund raising for Hillary Clinton in New York. That event brought in $1 million for the New York Senator.

We’re not sure whether Mr. Buffett is performing this service for all the Democratic candidates, or if he is just helping those he considers most promising. Either way, he should get to Democratic candidate Carl Perrin soon. Since Perrin has already sent an appeal to Buffett, we expect to hear from him soon.

Dr. Perrin is heading to Maine for a major campaign swing on August 23, so a fund raiser in the Portland area around that time would be good for him. Since you’re going to be in the Northeast on the 15th, Warren, this might be a good chance for you to relax in Maine (vacationland) for few days until Perrin gets there.

If you have any questions, just call “Perrin for President” headquarters in Casco, Maine.

Looking forward to seeing you then.

GENDER ISSUES

According to the recent Associated Press-Ipsos poll Fred Thompson is ahead of Rudy Guiliani among Republicans seeking the nomination. He is particularly strong among men, and that’s his problem. Sixty-three percent of his support is from men, particularly married men over 45, who tend to me more conservative. He does not have a strong following among women.

Hillary Clinton is Thompson’s mirror opposite. She has the support of 41 percent of women, more than twice Barack Obama's 19 percent. Fourteen percent of women favor Al Gore, and 10 percent are for John Edwards.

Clearly what we need is a candidate who will appeal to both men and women. Obviously it is not Fred Thompson, who is, frankly, not that sexy. Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, on the other hand, has that come-hither and vote-for-me charm. He has that savoir faire, that air of sophistication that appeals to women At the same time he has that he-man image that makes men wish they were more like him. Once the word gets out, he will charm the female voters and win the admiration of male voters. If the Democrats want to win the election, they need a winner like Dr. Carl Perrin.

PERRIN FOR SECRETARY OF EDUCATION?

BIDEN FOR SECREATARY OF STATE?

There is some speculation that Senator Joe Biden is really hoping to be named Secretary of State in the new Democratic administration. He seems too far behind to hope ever to get the nomination for president. Nor is he anyone’s first or even second choice for vice president.

However, the Delaware senator has some credibility as a candidate for Secretary of State. For some time Biden has been pushing a plan to pacify Iraq by dividing it into three semi-autonomic regions, one each for Kurds, Sunnis and Shiites. While the plan hasn’t attracted much support, it could be the way to fix the mess in Iraq, and the new Democratic president could choose Biden to supervise it. Biden insists he is not interested in that job, but you never know. Lots of things could change.

When we think of cabinet posts for the various Democratic candidates, we naturally wonder about Dr. Carl Perrin. Biden is a distant fourth in the polls, but Perrin is dead last. A few people think he has no chance of capturing the Democratic nomination. Like Biden, Perrin insists he is in the race to win the presidency, and nothing less.

Nevertheless, Perrin wonders, just out of curiosity, mind you, how much money does a cabinet secretary earn, and what kind of perks does he get?

THIS TIME FOX HAS GONE TOO FAR

Fox Network tries to present itself as presenting the “fair and balanced” view of the news, but it is about as far from fair and balanced as possible. It is rather the mad dog attack network of the media. It has set itself up as an attack dog to silence critics of the Bush administration. It has been unfriendly to African-Americans and other minorities. It spews out misinformation on global warming, including lies about environmental influence of Al Gore’s own home.

But when Fox attacks a restaurant worker in Maryland, that is going too far. What did Fox have against the restaurant worker—that she had voted for a Democrat?

Oops! Sorry. Wrong fox. We read the headline and jumped to a conclusion. This was not Fox Network but a real fox. Customers leaving a steak house in Salisbury, Maryland, saw a wild fox in the parking lot. They ran back inside for safety, and the fox ran after them. Employees and customers jumped up on tables in the dining room to get away from the fox. When the manager came out to see what was happening, the fox jumped at her and bite her hand. After a time employees were able to get the fox out. The manager went to the hospital to get shots in case the fox was rabid.

So we were wrong, but we’re still not apologizing to Fox News. We still think the network is a rabid attack beast. We think anyone who is attacked by Fox Network should get a rabies shot—just in case.

FOX IN THE HENHOUSE

Democratic candidate John Edwards believes that the Fox Network is already too influential in American politics. He wants to stop Rupert Murdoch from gaining control of the Wall Street Journal, although it seems too late to do anything about that. Edwards was the first to decline an invitation last March to take part in a debate on Murdoch’s Fox News Channel.

Murdoch and his news empire have been negative to liberals and Democrats in general. Nevertheless, Murdoch and his News Corp. have contributed to some Democrats, including more than $20,000 to Hillary Clinton. In a swipe toward Mrs. Clinton, Edwards called on other Democrats to refuse money from News Corp. executives and to return any money they had accepted.

Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin agrees completely with Mr. Edwards. He is not going to accept any contributions from Murdoch’s empire, and if they had donated any money to his campaign, he would send it back.

CAN YOU TRUST THE POLLS?

A RECENT Washington Post/ABC News poll showed that nationwide Hillary Clinton is way ahead of her closest rival (Barack Obama) with 43 percent of the votes to Obama’s 22 percent. Other candidates were even further behind. But a poll conducted in Iowa showed a different picture. The top three candidates were virtually tied, with Obama at 27 percent while Clinton and Edwards were right behind at 26 percent. The Iowa voters considered Mrs. Clinton to be a strong leader and the most electable, but her rivals were deemed more likeable.

What this shows is that it all depends on whom you ask. With that in mind, we conducted our own poll. We randomly selected 15 people at a Perrin family gathering and asked whom they would rather have a beer with, Hillary Clinton or Carl Perrin. Perrin came first in 14 out of 15. (The one holdout was an oddball brother-in-law who kept saying, “I’d just like to meet Hillary.”)

When it comes to likeability, Perrin comes out way ahead.

IS HILLARY THE ONE?

According to the recent Wall Street Journal/NBC News poll, either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama would beat Republican favorite Rudy Guiliani in the general election. Forty-three percent of Democrats favor Hillary over other candidates. Obama was a distant second with 22 percent. In June he was at 25 percent. Edwards slipped from 15 percent to 13 percent.

Women are more likely than men to have a positive image of Mrs. Clinton, but older women and married women are more likely to be skeptical about her. Forty percent have unfavorable views of her. Both men and women think she does not say what he really believes. One third of Americans would be “less likely” to vote for her because she is a woman.

It seems strange to us that the Democratic front runner has so many negatives. Forty percent have negative opinions about Mrs. Clinton. The majority of men and women don’t think she says what she really believes. (We already have a president whose word we can’t trust!) One third of Americans would be “less likely” to vote for a woman.

It is time to give serious consideration to a candidate who doesn’t have all that dubious baggage. You would be hard pressed to find anyone who has a negative view of Dr. Carl Perrin. You can believe what Perrin says—most of the time anyway. We’ve never heard anyone say he or she would be “less likely” to vote for a man.

You can make a difference. Support Carl Perrin for president.
Wall

CANDIDATES’ ASSETS
Bill Richardson served as Bill Clinton’s energy secretary. After he left that post in 2001, he worked in the private sector for a while. He was a consultant, lecturer, and board member. Since 2003 he has been governor of New Mexico, where he earns $110,000. When he left the federal government, he didn’t have a pot to piss in. Now he worth somewhere between $3.5 and $10 million.

At the July 23 Democratic debate, all but one candidate (Christopher Dodd) said he or she would be willing to serve as president for minimum wage. The rest of them were millionaires and didn’t need the dough.

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin (who was not invited to the debates) does need the money, and he would like to earn some of it before the election. He would be glad to earn some money as a consultant. (Do you have any grammar questions?) He can lecture. (If you haven’t hear his lecture on the great. English vowel shift, you’re in for a treat.) He would especially like to serve on some corporate boards. What do board members do? Go to meetings three or four times a year and get paid $30 or $40 thousand? He could do that.

If you are in the position to offer Perrin lots of money for some kind of sinecure, just write your proposal in a comment below. We’ll get back to you.

ENDORSEMENTS FOR CARL PERRIN

It should be no surprise that that endorsements for Perrin as president have been pouring in. We post several of them here:

How many people know that Perrin served in the Dixie Division during the Korean War? I doubt if any of the other candidates can claim that distinction. That should help him win some Southern votes. Him and me were good buddies in the army, and he liked cheap beer way back then. Boy, did he like cheap beer!

Freddie Smalto

Mr Perrin wuz my Inglish techer at Ocean County College. He was always saying real funny stuff in class, and he never made us wirk to hard. I think everyone aught to vote for him.

Jerry Periwinkle

Clearly Carl Perrin is the most qualified among the many candidates for the presidency, both Democrats and Republicans. I am going to vote for him, and I would even vote for him if he weren’t my cousin .

Tom Perrin

I never thought I would be endorsing a liberal for office, but I like Carl Perrin. Everyone likes him because he is easy to like. I am not endorsing him only because the RNC believes he would be the easiest candidate to beat in the general election but also because he is a nice guy.

Francis Birdbeck

No doubt there are thousands more people who want to endorse Carl Perrin for the Democratic nomination. Now it is easy for you to do. Just write your endorsement in a comment on this blog.

WHERE DEMOCRATS STAND

THE WASHINGTON POST/ ABC NEW POLL

According to the Washington Post/ABC News poll, Hillary Clinton leads the pack of Democratic candidates. She is the choice of 45 percent of Democrats. Barack Obama has only 30 percent, while John Edwards is favored by 12 percent. Clinton leads Obama 2 to 1 among Democrats with a high school diploma or less, but the two are even among Democratic college grads. Where does this demographic leave Dr. Carl Perrin? We’re hoping that he will at least win the votes of other Ph.D.s. Even though Ph.D.s are a minority among the electorate, their votes give a certain distinction to the candidate for whom they vote.

One of Hillary’s drawbacks is that a lot of people don’t like her. Some pundits wonder if a lot of people won’t come out to vote for “anyone but Hillary.” But 54 percent of the Democrats in the survey thought she would have the best chance of winning the general election. Only 22 percent thought that Obama had the best chance. Just 37 percent of Republicans thought that Clinton had the best chance of beating the Republican candidate in the general election. Thirty-three percent thought it was Obama who had the best shot.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson got 3 percent of the national poll. Senator Joseph Biden got 2 percent. Senator Christopher Dodd and Representative Dennis Kucinich each got 1 percent. None of the Democrats chose former senator Mike Gravel.

None went for Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin either, but that could change as word gets out. If Hillary Clinton is elected, she would be the first woman president. Barack Obama would be the first African-American. John Edwards appeals to lawyers and hair-cutting people, but Perrin has a unique constituency. He would be the oldest president, and senior citizens vote. He would be the first Ph. D. to be elected president. That would appeal to smart people. He would appeal to environmentalists because of efforts of his supporters in Maine to collect returnable bottle to help finance his campaign. And he would appeal to beer drinkers, especially those who drink cheap beer. Perrin may not register in the polls now, but before election time, that will change.

IF YOU ONLY HAD TO WORK WITH REASONABLE PEOPLE

TALKING TO NUT CASES

The most controversial question asked in the July 23 Democratic debate turned out to be whether the candidates would talk to leaders of unfriendly nations. Obama said he would talk to those people without preconditions. Clinton said she would not. Ever since then the two of them have been arguing about their responses.

Since Dr. Carl Perrin was not at the debates, we asked him if he would be willing as president to speak to the leaders of Iran, Cuba, Venezuela, Syria, and North Korea. Perrin said, “Wow, there’s a bunch of nut cases if I ever saw one.” He went on to say that you don’t have to go to a foreign country to talk to wackos. There are plenty right in Washington, D.C. Several of Perrin’s bosses, he said, have been pretty delusional.

It would be nice if you never had to deal with irrational people, but there aren’t that many sane people around the world, particularly in government, including the U.S. government. It wouldn’t take long to come up with a list of demented people running things in Washington right now.

“Sure,” Perrin said, “I would go and talk to some of those lunatics. I have experience in talking to delusional deans over the years. You can’t expect people like that to listen to reason, but it is possible to show them where their best interests lie. The last six years of not talking to people you don’t like has only made things worse.”