AN INSPIRING STORY

CARL PERRIN’S BIOGRAPHY

Carl Perrin grew up on a farm in New Hampshire. After high school he went to Keene Teachers College, but he quit in the middle of his junior year to enlist in the army during the Korean War. After the war he finished his BA at the University of New Hampshire. While he was going to UNH full time, he worked on the second shift at General Electric in Somersworth, NH. Later Perrin earned a Ph. D. at Ohio State University. He spent a half a century teaching English to young people.

With this background Perrin understands farm problems. He understands veterans and the military. He understands working people, and he really understands education. He is the only candidate who ever worked in a factory or belonged to a union. And of course, being a senior himself, he understands older Americans.

Carl Perrin came from a humble background and through hard work became a college professor. He has had experience in many areas of American life. He has always appreciated cheap beer. Carl Perrin: a man of the people, and the people’s choice.

CLINTON LEADS IN POLL

But this is not good news for the New York senator. An AP-Ipsos survey asked which of the presidential candidates would be the scariest. Thirty-seven percent chose Hillary Clinton. Rudy Guiliani was next with 14 percent.

We assume that Republicans considered Hillary to be the scariest, while Democrats would give the title to Rudy. We are getting scared of Guiliani since his association with neocon Norman Podhoretz, who thinks it would be a nifty idea to bomb Iran. (Haven’t the neocons done enough damage already?)

But really, it is not the Republicans who should be afraid of Hillary Clinton. The Democrats should really be frightened. There is no denying that Mrs. Clinton is very intelligent and well qualified. The problem is that there are so many people who are in favor of “anyone but Hillary.” Sure, a lot of Democrats are in favor of Clinton now, but when she goes to the election against Guiliani, how many Independents will vote for “anyone but Hillary”? Guiliani with his neocon adviser Norman Podhoretz could be the next president. Now that is really scary?

FAIR AND BALANCED NEWS

The White House has created a new office, the Balanced Status Department. The function of the B. S. Department is to give a fair and balanced view of the events within the government. The new department was given a trial run in California this past week when FEMA Deputy Director Vice Admiral Harvey Johnson gave a “news conference.” They gave reporters 15 minutes notice, and when the reporters couldn’t make it to the conference, FEMA employees asked the questions without revealing that that they worked for FEMA rather than to a news organization.

White House spokesman Xavier Phloxm said, “The left-wing, liberal press always distorts the real events, so we wanted to make sure we got the facts out before the press could give their slanted view. They really slammed us after Katrina, so this time we wanted to be sure that the American people know how effective we have been in California.”

Of course this is not the first time that the Bush White House has managed the news. From the beginning of Bush’s campaign for the presidency, local GOP organizations issued tickets to “town meetings” only to loyal Republicans. A couple of years ago in Iraq Condi Rice answered questions put to her by GIs. It was revealed later that the soldiers had been coached and given the questions to ask.

“Reporter” Jeff Gannon used to be invited to White House news conferences. He could always be counted on to ask soft-ball questions, included one that chided Democrats for being “divorced from reality.” It turned out that Gannon didn’t even work for a legitimate news agency. Rather it was a loose organization made up solely of volunteer GOP activists.

The Bush White House has a long history of shaping the way news is presented to the public. With the B. S. Department they have brought that practice to a high art.

IS HILLARY UNBEATABLE?

According to the latest CBS poll, 51 percent of likely Democratic primary voters favor Hillary Clinton. Barack Obama is next with 23 percent, less than half of Mrs. Clinton's numbers. Obama is followed by John Edwards with 13 percent. And let’s face it, Dr. Carl Perrin isn’t even listed in the polling.

At this point it looks as though Senator Clinton has the nomination sewed up. But not so fast there. Four years ago, Howard Dean was in the position that Mrs. Clinton is in now. He was way ahead of his rivals in fund raising and in popularity polls. The same thing that happened to Dean could happen to Clinton. The next few months are crucial. Keep up your support for Carl Perrin, the People’s Choice.

ENDORSEMENT FOR DR CARL PERRIN

I heartily endorse Dr. Carl Perrin in his campaign for the nomination as Democratic candidate for the presidency of the United States. I have known Carl since our days in Σ Τ G fraternity at good old Keene Teachers College in New Hampshire. I can also tell you that Carl has enjoyed cheap beer since those days. (He could really put it away!) Also, like all of us at good old Sigma, he was a Red Sox fan. I am told that he remained a fan of the Sox through his time in the Midwest, the South, and even now in New Jersey (Yankees territory).

We all missed Carl when he, along with a half a dozen other members of our fraternity, enlisted in the army during the Korean War. Instead of coming back to Keene after he got out of the army, Carl went to UNH. While at UNH he worked the second shift at General Electric in Somersworth, NH, while taking a full academic load during the day at the university. I believe Carl is the only candidate of either party who has actually worked in a factory.

Beer drinking, Red Sox rooting, factory working Dr Carl Perrin is truly the people’s candidate. If you don’t work to elect him and vote for him, there must be something wrong with your head.

J. Pierpont Peaseblossom
Σ Τ G

GUILIANI AND THE RED SOX

Sunday night Rudy Guiliani questioned Hillary Clinton’s loyalty to the New York Yankees because she originally came from Illinois. Now Guiliani himself, campaigning in New England, suddenly becomes a Red Sox fan, stating that his enthusiasm for the Sox comes because he is an American League fan! Is there no limit to pandering for votes by those professional politicians?

If you’re looking for a candidate who has always been a Red Sox fan, look no further than Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin was born in Massachusetts, grew up in New Hampshire and lived for over a quarter of a century in Maine, all part of Red Sox territory. Even though he now lives in New Jersey, Perrin remains loyal to the Sox. In fact he never watches any other team play.

Perrin remains loyal and sticks to his guns in other areas of national life as well. When he is elected President, Perrin will do something to keep cheap beer available to the American public. You can depend on it.

POLITICAL SNIPING

The Republicans keep sniping at each other. Thompson is off to a disappointing start. At one point he said that he became a father at 17, as though that was a reason to vote for him. Romney used to be in favor of abortion rights and gay rights. Now he is more conservative than thou. Guiliani is trying to appeal to conservatives, but they don’t believe the thrice-married former New York mayor. Ronald Reagan once said that the 11th Commandment for Republicans was not to attack other Republicans. Evidently today’s GOP no longer believes that. Over the next couple of months the Republican field is going to be whittled down. It could well be that in the end the Republican candidate will not be one of the front runners, but a dark horse like Mike Huckabee.

On the Democratic side Hillary Clinton keeps sniping at her nearest rival, Barack Obama, suggesting that he lacks experience. Edwards in turn keeps implying that Clinton is too cozy with special interests. After the primaries and caucuses of the next few months, the Democrats might find that they too need a dark horse candidate. And what horse could be darker than Dr. Carl Perrin? Of course everyone in his retirement village knows him as well as his wide circle of relatives, friends, and acquaintances. But he is still not well known in political circles. All this is about to change. Don’t be surprised if you see Dr. Carl Perrin at the head of the Democratic ticket in 2008.

CANDIDATES ARE GETTING DESPERATE

The whole campaign field is changing. Senator Brownback has dropped out of the race, citing fundraising shortfalls. He has only $94,000 cash on hand. Former governor Mike Huckabee and Congressman Ron Paul are moving up through the pack. While Rudy Guiliani, John McCain, and Mitt Romney are still the front runners, many Republicans consider Guiliani too liberal. Not only that, but he’s from New York. McCain is too old, and Romney is too Mormon.

Underneath the surface on the Democratic side, things are not what they appear to be. Although Hillary Clinton is widening the gap between herself and her nearest rivals, there still remains a strong anti-Hillary movement. If you google “Stop Hillary,” you’ll get over 3 million hits. Are they all Republicans? As the Democrats select the person to head their ticket, they are going to ask, do they want to nominate a candidate with as many negatives as Mrs. Clinton?

A lot of things could change by the time of the New Hampshire primary vote. Do we have to remind you that Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin grew up in New Hampshire? He has degrees from UNH and Rivier College in Nashua, NH. He began his teaching career in Hollis, NH.

Perrin wishes he had Senator Brownback’s problem with “only” $94,000 in his campaign treasury. But funding is not a problem for Perrin. He is not throwing his money around like those other candidates. He is holding onto his money, waiting for the strategic moment to come on strong and blow the competition away.

STEPHEN COLBERT FOR PRESIDENT—ARE YOU KIDDING?

Yesterday Stephen Colbert announced that he too is running for the presidency. We think it is too bad that he is poking fun at a serious thing like American politics. And where has he been for this past year when serious candidates (like Dr. Carl Perrin) have been on the campaign trail? We rather suspect that, like that other coy candidate, Fred Thompson, he will fall flat on his face when he gets into real campaigning. Thompson looks good when he has a script to follow, but without one, he doesn’t know what to say.

Colbert says he is running as a Democrat and as a Republican. Well, ha ha! He also says he is running only in South Carolina. We find that personally offensive. It is obviously a dig at Dr. Perrin, whose campaign strategy seems to be centered in Maine. But Perrin never said he was campaigning only in Maine. He has contacts all over the country. He was born in Massachusetts, the most liberal state in the country. He grew up in New Hampshire, the state where the first primary is held. He spent 16 years in the Midwest (Missouri and Ohio). He was in South Carolina during the Korean War, in the Dixie Division! He now lives in New Jersey. As you can see, our candidate has contacts with people from lots of places.

As to the issues, Perrin didn’t just suddenly come out for cheap beer as a campaign issue. He has always been in favor of cheap beer. On his teacher’s salary, that was all he could afford.

So, Mr. Colbert, enough of this foolishness. Leave politics to the serious professionals, like Dr. Carl Perrin.

UNDERDOG

A recent article on Yahoo News looked at the second tier candidates: Republicans like Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul, Democrats like Bill Richardson, Joe Biden, and Chris Dodd. The gist of the article is that any of these men could surprise us between now and February. Some of them are moving up through the pack. Ron Paul raised $5.1 million this summer. Biden or Dodd could split the anti-Hillary vote, weakening Brack Obama and John Edwards.

Some of the candidates could become running mates with the anointed one. Conservative Mike Huckabee could balance Guiliani’s moderate/liberal image. Richardson would attract a lot Hispanic votes.

The candidate who was entirely overlooked in this article is Democrat Dr. Carl Perrin, one of the most highly qualified candidates to come along in decades. (This is just another example of the vast right/left wing conspiracy to keep Perrin off the ballot.) Despite appearances, Perrin’s campaign treasury keeps growing, mostly through the collection of returnable cans and bottles in Maine. Perrin’s support in that state is so strong that he is sure to win there by a landslide.

The other candidates—of both parties—keep talking about taxes, health insurance, etc., etc., etc, but none of them has even mentioned the increased cost of beer, caused by farmers growing more corn for ethanol rather than hops for beer. When Perrin is elected President, he will make sure that farmers who grow hops will get price supports. A vote for Perrin is a vote for cheap beer!

INSPECTING THE INSPECTORS

CIA director Michael Hayden has ordered an inspection of the CIA’s inspector general. CIA staffers have been upset with the IG’s examination of the agency’s secret detention and interrogations programs. One agent, who wants to remain anonymous, asked, “Jeeze, if we can’t even rough these guys up a bit, how are we sposed to get secret information from them?”

CIA Inspector General John L. Helgerson is not standing still for this kind of treatment. The IG is going to investigate the CIA’s investigation of his department. It all gets very complicated.

PRIVATIZING THE GOVERNMENT

George Bush would like to privatize every government function that he can. He tried to partially privatize Social Security, but even the Republicans in Congress wouldn’t go along with that. He wanted to privatize the Transportation Security Administration when it was reorganized after 9/11. That way the people who inspect your baggage at the airport would be employees of private contractors rather than of the government. He would like to see medical insurance go to private insurers rather than to a government agency.

He even went so far as to partially privatize the military, with private contractors like Blackwater doing what military personnel would have done in previous wars. At the same time companies like Haliburton are doing logistics and supply, tasks previously left to the military itself.

We are generally against privatizing government functions, but we can think of one area where privatization might be an improvement. We think that private contractors (or just about anyone for that matter) would do a better job of running the federal government than the present administration. We would like to see a competent private organization take over the job of the current administration. It would be an experiment, of course, a temporary thing, just for, say, the next 15 months.

LEE BOLINGER FOR PRESIDENT

What a minute! Lee Bolinger already is president—of Columbia University. Former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin has long suspected that academic administrators are chosen for something other than intelligence. Lee Bolinger’s actions have done nothing to change that suspicion. He has been showing remarkable incompetence recently, first in inviting one of the world’s biggest nutcases to speak at the university. He did this supposedly in the interest of freedom of speech. Then while he introduced wacko Ahmaninejad, he insulted the man, who was now his guest! We have no objection to insulting Ahmaninejad, but it is poor form, to say the least, to do so while he is your guest.

We can’t help but be reminded of another president who has screwed up everything he has ever touched. Bolinger could never hope to achieve the exalted degree of incompetence shown by George Bush, but he shows promise.