SPOKESMAN DENIES RUMOR

DOCTORS CAN’T FIND CHENEY’S HEART

On Saturday, July 28, Vice President Dick Cheney entered the hospital for the simple procedure of having the batteries in his heart monitor replaced. The battery is in a defibrillator, a device that sends a shock when it senses an irregular heartbeat, thus restoring a regular rhythm.

A few hours after he entered the hospital, the vice president left. Doctors said the procedure had been successful, and Mr. Cheney would be able to resume ordinary activities right away.

Seymor Spackle, spokesman for the vice president denied the rumor that the doctors had not been able to find Cheney’s heart. “This is absolutely outrageous. The man goes to the hospital for a serious procedure, and they start attacking him before he is even out of the anesthesia. The Democrats will stop at nothing,” Spackle said. “They’ve delivered some pretty low blows, but this is the worst. Instead of being glad that the vice president is in good health, they try to say that he has no heart.”