THE BEGINNING OF ELMHURST COMMUNITY THEATRE

I’m a prostitute. I don’t mean I sell my body for money. Nothing as interesting as that. I sold my soul for a goddamn theatre. I didn’t even do it for the sake of ART. God no! None of that artistic bullshit for me. I thought I could get an easy living out of the theatre. And what’s a little soul, especially a moth-eaten soul like mine in exchange for an easy living? But I was wrong about the easy living part. I had never been so wrong in a lifetime of wrong turns, wrong decisions, wrong choices, a lifetime strewn with disastrous mistakes of every sort. I never worked so hard in my life as I did for the Elmhurst Community Theatre.

I wouldn’t have gone as far as I did if it had not been for Lance Braddock. He was the Mephistopheles that tempted me and led me to ignore all reason and common sense when

I smelled the chance of an easy living. But I shouldn’t have mentioned Braddock yet because I didn’t meet him until several months after this story begins.

My name is Curtis Booth. I know you don’t recognize the name. It doesn’t even ring a bell, does it? And yet you’ve seen me dozens of times, hundreds of times. If you’ve ever gone to the movies, you’ve seen me. I’ve lost track of the number of films I’ve been in, even a few pretty good ones. But I might have appeared in a scene or two, have half a dozen lines in each scene, and that was it. I never played a memorable role, was in a memorable scene, or spoke a memorable line.

I never graduated to meatier roles, but I spent a lot of years in Hollywood. I was in Song of the West. You saw that, didn’t you? Everyone saw it. It was very popular. Do you remember me now? I was one of the villain’s henchmen. I had a big bushy mustache in that film. You still don’t remember me? I’m not surprised. No one does. No one except the people in the hick town where I spent my summers, Elmhurst, New Hampshire. They all think I’m famous, the local boy who made good, who became a movie star.

Well, I may not be famous, but I know my way around Hollywood. I paid my dues. Yes sir, I paid my dues, and I deserve a goddamn break. I had gained a little weight. I was showing my age, and it got so I wasn’t even getting those crummy roles any more. I was even auditioning for radio commercials! And I wasn’t getting callbacks for those! I was becoming a career waiter in a rundown Italian restaurant. Then I got fired from that job.

I was suspicious when I got a call from a lawyer in Manchester, New Hampshire. He had the kind of voice that oozed false friendliness. But you knew he was just waiting for a chance to stab you in the back. I figured one of my ex-wives was trying to collect back alimony. I was ready to say, “Hey, Buddy, you can’t get blood out of a turnip,” although the two of them had sure as hell tried. But it turned out that the lawyer had good news for me—sort of.

He said his name was Grant Billings, and then he asked, “Am I talking to Ishmael Schmidt?”

I thought, Jesus Christ, no one had called me by that name for over twenty years. Can you imagine giving a kid a name like that in this day and age? I don’t know whether the name was from the Bible or from Melville’s classic work. I’ve never forgiven my parents for sticking me with that name. I had red hair when I was a kid, and everyone called me “Red.” I never liked that name either, but it was a hell of a lot better than Ishmael, or Ishy, the name some kids called me when they wanted to get me going.

Hesitantly I told the lawyer that I was Ishmael Schmidt.

“Did you have an uncle named Frederick Schmidt?” he asked.

Uncle Freddie had died almost a year before that. I hadn’t been able to go back East for the funeral. I always liked Uncle Freddy. When I was a kid, I used to spend summers on his farm in New Hampshire. I would have gone back, but I was involved in a film at the time. My role was so small that they would have been glad to let me go, but then I would have lost the part. Even so, I hadn’t had a role since then.

Billings said, “Well, you are Frederick Schmidt’s sole heir.”

I was surprised. I didn’t know that Uncle Freddy had anything to leave. As it turned out, all he had to leave was the farm itself. Oh Goodie, I thought. I can go back to the farm and shovel cow shit for the rest of my life. But the fact is, I was just about out of money, and the landlord was getting ready to evict me from my apartment. I had no place else to go.

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A COOL MILLION

Right-wing radio host Michael Savage has offered Newt Gingrich a million dollars. All he has to do is drop out of the presidential race. Savage has nothing against Newt. He just doesn’t think the former Speaker of the House can defeat Obama. Also he is a fat, old, white man.

The offer got former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinking. Although Perrin, a bald, old, white man, was never a candidate for the Republican nomination, he ran for a while as an Independent, on the cheap beer ticket. He withdrew from the race when he realized he didn’t have a chance of winning. Nevertheless his presence as an Independent candidate could draw some of the votes for the crazies who supported some of those “are-you-kidding?” candidates. If enough of these voters cast a ballot for Perrin rather than the Republican candidate, it could throw the race to Obama.

Here’s Perrin’s offer to Michael Savage or anyone else who wants to take the challenge: For a hundred thousand Perrin will stay out of the race, and that will help the eventual Republican candidate, whoever he or she is.

PERRIN'S REGRETS

Former presidential candidate Carl Perrin is beginning to regret that he withdrew from the race. Herman Cain stayed in long after he should have withdrawn because he was getting his name out and generating sales of his book.

Former House leader Newt Gingrich is going one better. He gives a political speech and then offers his books (plural) for sale. At the same time his wife Callista sells some of the children’s books that she wrote.

Perrin has written a few books also He really regrets the missed opportunity. He could have given a speech about the value of cheap beer and then offer some books for sale. You can find out about some of his books at this link:carlperrin.com

If he had stayed in the race, he might even have been invited to Donald Trump’s circus debate along with Gingrich and Rick Whatisname. Perrin would have brought his birth certificate along so he would be ready for the important issues that Trump would be likely to cover.

Like everyone else, former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has a few regrets. One of those is that he didn’t follow the example of pizza man Herman Cain. While Cain was pretending to run for the presidency, he actually got his name out in a way that would promote his book, My Journey to the White House.


Perrin could have done the same, but he took his candidacy more seriously than Cain did. Now Perrin’s book is out, Elmhurst Community Theatre. The novel recounts the travails of an out-of-work actor who struggles with a rag-tag cast to produce one of the worst plays ever written. At this point it is available only as an electronic book, which can be purchased from Amazon.com as a kindle book or from Barnes and Noble for a nook reader.

Click on Perrin’s website to get more details:

carlperrin.com

CAMPAIGN DIRT

For some reason lots of Republicans liked Herman Cain, despite his half-baked tax ideas, his confessed ignorance of foreign policy, and his ability to come down on all sides of issues like abortion. Now questions about sexual harassment seem about to derail his campaign for the presidency.

Some insiders are speculating that former Independent candidate Dr. Carl Perrin dropped out of the race a few weeks ago because he feared that opponents would dig up skeletons in his past.

Certainly there was plenty of dirt dug up about him when he ran for the office in 2008. Some charged that he got away with not paying a fine for an overdue book at the Portland, ME, library in 1989. He protested his innocence in that matter, but was not able to produce a receipt to prove he had paid the $1.60 fine.

Political opponents charged that the former English professor was a chocoholic. He did not deny that charge, but claimed that he had the addiction under control. He was not, he said, going to get hopped up on Hershey bars and invade Nova Scotia or anything like that.

Although he campaigned on a platform of cheap beer, some acquaintances alleged that he was a secret oenophile. He angrily denied that and insisted that his beverage of choice had always been cheap beer.

The biggest bombshell to drop on Perrin’s campaign was the accusation that he had been in an improper relationship with a transvestite Russian spy named Natashia, shown above with Perrin in his reserve officer’s uniform in the 1970s. When confronted with the allegation, Perrin angrily stated that he never noticed that Natashia had a mustache, and anyway, it was not that kind of relationship. They were just friends, the former professor claimed.

Political insiders speculate that there were even more damning secrets in Perrin’s past. He dropped out of the campaign of fear that they would come to the surface to haunt him.

LIBERALS KILLED CHRIST?

Last December Herman Cain wrote an article in which he claimed that Jesus was killed by a “liberal court.” According to the pizza man, Jesus was not read his Miranda Rights when he was arrested, and a liberal court found him guilty of false offenses because he had changed the hearts and minds of men. It’s not clear to me why Cain finds this a “liberal court,” but it an example of the man’s thinking.

Mr. Cain had this to say about the Wall Street protesters, "Don't blame Wall Street. Don't blame the big banks. If you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself." One of his fellow Republican candidates (Ron Paul) criticized Cain for blaming the victims.

Cain’s signature proposal, the 9-9-9, would pile a huge burden of taxes on the poor and the middle class.

And yet, he received 37 percent of the Republican straw vote in Florida, 55 percent of the straw vote in South Carolina. And 77 percent of the TeaCon straw vote in Schaumburg.

Amazing!

NUDE POLITICIANS

When Senator Scott Brown was a student at Boston College Law School, he posed in the nude for Cosmo magazine. The money he got for posing helped pay his tuition at law school. Elizabeth Warren, the woman who will probably be his opponent in next years’ senatorial race, was asked how she financed her education. She said, “I kept my clothes on.” Brown’s response was, “Thank God.”

The infighting between these two candidates brought out an incident in one-time presidential candidate Carl Perrin’s campaign. Campaign funds had shrunk so low that there was not enough money even to buy a case of cheap beer. Thinking of Scott Brown’s fund raiser for college tuition, Perrin thought about posing in the nude to raise campaign funds. His family was dead set against it.

“If I could someone to pay me to take off my clothes,” the candidate insisted, “we could enough money to get the campaign in gear.

“You’re 80 years old,” his wife said. “Believe me, no one wants to see you naked.”

“I may be 80, but I’m in pretty good shape for a geezer,” he replied. “Besides, it would be good publicity.”

“That’s not the kind of publicity a presidential candidate needs.”

“It’s not just the publicity; it’s the money,” the former English professor maintained.”

“If you need money,” his great granddaughter offered, “I’ll let you have my lunch money.”

To give Perrin credit, at least he didn’t take the kid’s lunch money. And the public was spared the sight of a nude octogenarian.

14 PERCENT APPROVAL RATE FOR CONGRESS

According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll, only 14 percent of the American public approves the job that Congress is doing. What in the hell is wrong with these people? Where has this 14 percent been the last few years? Camping out on Mars? Hiding under a rock? Doing a Rip Van Winkle?

Just what accomplishment of Congress do these people approve of? The fact that they have done nothing? Their blockage of every attempt to solve problems? Their failure to come up with any solutions of their own? Their habit of saying “no” to everything? The fact that they almost succeeded in shutting down the government twice in the last six months? Have I left anything out?

Politics has always been a dirty word, but the current Congress has taken Congressional malfeasance to a new low level. What would our elected representatives have to do to win the disapproval of the 14 percent? How could they be any worse than they already are?

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN NJ?

Presidential candidates in the Garden State are dropping like flies. First Independent candidate Dr. Carl Perrin declares that he will not be running in the 2012 election. Next Governor Chris Christie says, neither is he. Probably the governor figured that if Perrin didn’t have a chance of winning, he didn’t either.

A lot of people assumed that Perrin dropped out of the race because of lack of campaign funds. Since Perrin’s announcement, donations have been pouring in to campaign headquarters. As of yesterday, the treasury had almost $10.00. “Just a few more dollars,” the erstwhile candidate announced, "and we will have enough to buy a case of cheap beer."

Perrin supporters have been urging him to reconsider. “We really need someone who appreciates cheap beer,” one campaign donor said. “We need someone who can stand up to those wine snobs,” another contributor added.

“I’ll think about it,” Perrin said, “after we collect enough dough to buy a case of cheap beer.”

SHOCKING NEWS

Political insiders were flabbergasted to learn that one-time presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin will not be running in the 2012 election. As the former English professor explained to all thirteen of his supporters, “Things are such a mess in Washington that it would take a miracle worker to get the government going again.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed a middle-aged woman wearing a Perrin for President sweatshirt, “That’s why we want you to run. We need a miracle worker like you to knock some heads together and kick some butt. We need someone who can make Congress listen to common sense.”

Perrin thanked the crowd for its confidence in him, but he said he would not be campaigning in the next election. “What about running in 2016?” someone asked. “That’s a definite possibility,” the octogenarian Perrin replied.

In one last question from the floor a Perrin backer asked, “What would you do if there was an overwhelming demand, a Draft Perrin for President movement?”

“In a case like that, we would just have to wait and see,” Perrin answered before going to join a couple of friends to drink cheap beer.

PAUL RYAN'S TOWN HALL MEETINGS

Last spring Congressman Paul Ryan was booed when he met constituents at town hall meetings. Voters were unhappy with the Republican budget which Ryan engineered. The plan would extend tax breaks for the wealthy and phase out Medicare.

This summer the congressman is trying to avoid that kind of confrontation by charging admission to his town hall meetings. People who want to talk to him will have to shell out $15. That will keep out some of the riff raff and troublemakers. At the same time it will raise a little cash. How come the Republicans have all the good ideas?

Possible Democratic candidate Carl Perrin, while no admirer of Representative Ryan, likes his idea of charging for town meetings. Although Perrin has not yet committed himself to entering the presidential race, he did want to hear what the people were saying. He rented a hall and invited his supporters to come and ask softball questions. Instead of charging $15, he asked for only $5, assuming that most people were cheapskates, like him.

It didn’t work out. Only a handful of people arrived, some of them came because they thought he would be handing out cheap beer. Those people left when they learned it was going to cost $5. In all, the on-again, off-again candidate collected only $25, all of it from family members. He still has to pay for the hall he rented. If you would like to help, you can contribute to Perrin’s Paypal account.

FREEDOM OF CHOICE

Now that Michelle Bachman has come out ahead in the Iowa straw vote, people are going to have to start taking her seriously. In the debate before the poll, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty suggested that Bachman’s accomplishments in congress have been pretty meager.

The charge is so unfair! Last spring Ms. Bachman introduced a freedom of choice act. Not freedom of choice for women, but freedom of choice for light bulb buyers. The intent of her bill was to halt the phase-out of incandescent light bulbs in favor of the compact fluorescent light bulb. Fluorescent bulbs use a lot less electricity than incandescent bulbs. The intent of the phase-out was to reduce emissions created by power plants. As for that, Bachman said, any connection between human beings and global warming was, “voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax." No doubt when the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, the room was illuminated by incandescent bulbs.

So let’s not hear any more about Michelle Bachman being an intellectual lightweight, a flake. She looks forward to a day when "Everyone will have a gun, nobody will have an abortion, no one will pay taxes, everyone will go to church, and there won't be any more pinko liberal teachers in school."

PAC PAYS FOR FAMILY VACATION

Sarah Palin’s political action committee spent tens of thousands of dollars paying for her “One Nation” East Coast bus tour. The former governor of Alaska repeatedly called the trip a family vacation. The question is, if it is just a “family vacation,” should it have been paid for by a PAC?

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, for one, sees nothing wrong with the committee paying for Palin’s family vacation. He admits, somewhat ruefully, that he wishes he had come up with the idea himself. The two former candidates have a lot in common. Like the former governor, the retired English professor has not yet formally announced his candidacy for the office of president. Nor has either one of them definitely declined to be considered in the race.

What is obviously behind Perrin’s sentiment on the issue is the thought that if a PAC can pay for Sarah’s vacation, why can’t a PAC for the little trip that Carl has in mind? At the end of this month Carl will be going to North Carolina. It is not strictly a political trip. The Perrin family will be holding a reunion at the time. As Palin did in her “family vacation,” Perrin will probably be saying some political things at the event, mostly grumbling about how the Republicans are ruining the country. So why can’t Perrin use PAC money to finance his “family vacation”?

The problem Perrin has is that he doesn’t have a political action committee. One of the many things that people love about the former professor is that he is not a professional politician. So he doesn’t think about little things like fund raising. However, he is going to start a PAC right now, and use some of its funds to pay for his trip. You can contribute. Just send some money to Perrin’s Pay Pal account. Right now the retiree is worried about what will happen if he doesn’t get his Social Security check on August 3. Your contribution to the Perrin PAC will bring him some peace of mind.

SANTORUM EXPLAINS IT ALL

Speaking to a Republican group in Iowa, presidential wannabe Rick Santorum explained why American students had such low scores in American history. It was all part of a leftist plot to keep students in the dark about U.S. history so they don’t learn American values.

That explains why such prominent figures as Representative Michele Bachmann, an attorney, thought that the American Revolution began in New Hampshire rather than in Massachusetts and that the Founding Fathers had eliminated slavery in their lifetime, evidently not realizing that slavery had something to do with the Civil War. It also explains why former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin thought that Paul Revere rode through Massachusetts to warn the British about something.

Clearly the teachers these women had in school were secular humanists or something who went out of their way to keep information about the country’s history from their students. No doubt they belonged to teachers’ union and were more interested in getting big salaries than they were in educating students.

PERRIN MAKES ANNOUNCEMENT

Last Thursday former presidential candidate Dr Carl Perrin called a press conference. Everyone assumed that he was going to announce his candidacy for the upcoming election. Alas, media representatives were disappointed. Perrin was not ready to declare whether or not he would be running again.

Instead he served up a policy statement. It all boiled down to his opinion that cheap beer is good for the country. According to him cheap beer will solve all the country’s problems.

Unemployment and business problems would all be solved if more people drank cheap beer. Rather than drinking that expensive imported beer, if Americans spent more money on cheap domestic beer, more people would be put to work brewing, distributing, and selling beer. Obviously that would be good for working people and for businesses. As more people were put to work getting beer out to the public, the overcall business climate would improve. That would be good for the federal deficit because as more people entered the work force, income tax collection would improve. Improvement in business would further contribute to revenue for the federal government. Finally, Perrin said, if more people drank cheap beer, everyone would be happier. The happy feeling would help lift the nation out of the doldrums and bring back that good old American can-do spirit.

Reporters naturally wanted to know whether Perrin had decided whether to run for election again. Refusing to respond to the question, he ended the press conference.

PERRIN SENDS PICTURE TO COLLEGE STUDENT

Shocking news hit media today as journalists learned that Dr. Carl Perrin had sent a picture of himself to college student. In the picture on-again/off-again presidential candidate Carl Perrin is munching on a chocolate bar.

Just because he is shown eating a piece of chocolate doesn’t mean that he is a chocoholic, Perrin insisted to reporters. “Lots of people eat chocolate every day, and no one makes anything of it,” the retired college professor added.

“Isn’t a college student a little young for you?” one of the reporters asked.

“She may be a college student,” Perrin replied, “but she is over 21. We both enjoy chocolate, so whatever we do is between consenting adults, and it’s nobody else’s beeswax.”

“Is this going to end your candidacy for the presidency?” a reporter for Leisure Times asked.

“I have not yet decided whether to run, but if I do, I will not let this stand in my way. I went through a tough campaign in 2008. I didn’t let anything stop me then, and I won’t let anything stop me now.”

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

At last count there were 37 Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential election. That doesn’t include people no one ever heard of or who have no chance in hell of even being nominated.

Former Speaker New Gingrich has too many negatives. A born-again Catholic, he cheated on his second wife and tried to say he did it for his country. He also keeps shooting himself in the foot. Not a chance.

Ron Paul creates a lot of excitement among a small of group of people, not enough to get him the nomination.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has good conservative credentials. Compared to some of the Republican firebrands, T-Paw seems fairly sane. The problem is, compared to them, many people find him boring.

Mitt Romney has been the front runner since the last election. His problem is that he wobbles back and forth on every issue. To his credit he was governor of Massachusetts when that state enacted medical insurance program much like the new federal program. Unfortunately he keeps trying to deny it. After all these years on the campaign trail no one knows where he stands. On anything.

One-term senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum lost his reelection bid by 18 points. A loser.

Congresswoman Michele Bachman is a lawyer but she doesn’t seem to know details of American history that we would expect any seventh grader to know. It’s hard to take her presidential campaign seriously.

Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman served as U S Ambassador to China until this January. A conservative who is respected by liberals, he seems too sane to win the Republican nomination.

Is Sarah Palin running or not? She won’t speak to the “lamestream media” because they twist everything she says. Although she still excites a lot of conservatives, she is losing support among mainstream Republicans. Democrats hope she will run because she seems so shallow that it will be easy to defeat her.

Haley Barbour is a good ole boy and former governor of Mississippi. He wisely decided that he had no chance of winning and withdrew his candidacy.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said not just “no” but “hell no.” Politicians do change their mind, but we don’t expect him to run in this election.

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels thought about it and said “no.” It seems pretty clear that he means it.

Mike Huckabee, who thought that Barack Obama grew up in Kenya, gave some thought to running for the presidency again. When he realized how much money he would have to give up from his books, speeches, etc, he said “no.” Wise move, Mike.

It’s hard to believe any sane person would believe Donald Trump’s candidacy. Oh, yes, that’s right; we’re not talking about sane people; we talking about politics. Even his hair should disqualify Trump. How much time does he spend every day making sure his hair is just right? He would never have time to preside even if he were elected.

Where does all this leave retired English professor and former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? He is not saying. If he runs at all, will it be as a Democrat, a Republican, or an Independent? No one knows. The only thing anyone knows is that knows for sure is that the basis for Perrin’s campaign is that he will be in favor of cheap beer.

LOOK AT THE GOOD SIDE

I know I told everyone, at least everyone who would listen, that the world would end on May 22. I know a lot of people are pissed off at me. Well, what can I say? I’m sorry. Okay? I didn’t tell anyone what to do with their worldly goods in order to get ready for the rapture. I just said that 200,000 Christians would be taken to heaven on that date. And all the heathens would be left behind.

A lot of people gave everything away, told their bosses to take their job and shove it, and stuff like that. They really burned their bridges behind them. All is not lost, brothers and sisters. I was off on the date when everything is going to happen. No, really. My math was a little off. It’s really going to happen on October 21. I’m sure of it this time.

Maybe you don’t have any money because you gave it all away. You don’t have a place to live since you gave that up too. You don’t have a job because you told your boss to shove it. Just look at the good side. At least you won’t be out in the cold. You’ll be waiting through the summer months. You can probably get food stamps or something, so you’ll be okay until October.

Harold Camping

PERRIN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

Of the Computer Club, that is. In June the Leisure Village Computer Club will elect officers for the next year. At this month’s meeting, club president Dr. Carl Perrin announced that he and the other officers are running for reelection.

After the announcement he cleared up a question that must have been in the minds of many club members: What if he runs for the presidency of the United States and is elected to both offices? Will he just forget about the Computer Club and take care of all that Washington political stuff?

Perrin assured members that it would be no problem. Though he has not yet committed to running for the White House again, it is still an option. Although his is not the first name that comes to mind for most people when they consider presidential candidates, he surely has as much chance as some of the bozos who are throwing their hats into the ring.

If by chance, Perrin is elected president of the Computer Club and the United States, he assured club members that he would be able to handle both jobs. “After all,” he asked, “How many days did George Bush spend at his Texas ranch while he was president?” The president has to get some time off just like anyone else. Perrin figured he could come to New Jersey over the weekend and fly back after the club meeting on Monday. If something came up in Washington over the weekend, he would have no problem taking care of it from the Garden State. After all, that’s what the Internet is for.

OBAMA IS BEHIND THE BIRTHER CONSPIRACY

Side show performer Donald Trump declared himself proud to have brought the birther conspiracy to a head which resulted in President Obama’s displaying his birth certificate on live television. Sarah Palin had called questions about the president’s birthplace “fair game.” After the president showed the birth certificate, Palin said that Trump had forced the issue. She warned her followers not to be distracted by that but to concentrate on the real issues.

In reference to Obama’s long-form birth certificate, Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Preibus said, “It’s maddening and I just wish the president would engage in the real issues that are affecting America.” Former Senator Rick Santorum, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor were among those joining the chorus of insisting that the president should focus on the real issues. It’s difficult to understand how these men can say such things with a straight face after all the clowns who have been braying birther bullshit. The legislature of Arizona sent a bill to the governor which called for all presidential candidates in the state prove their citizenship.

On Alan Colmes' radio show former Colorado congressman Tom Tancredo suggested that the president and Democrats had withheld the birth certificate for so long for their own nefarious reasons: “Now they very well may not want to show it because they want to propagate this whole thing that's going on about birthers. ... They may be doing it for that reason; I don't know why they don't want anyone to see it. ... They want it propagated because you know – “

Colmes responded, “It makes your party look nuts!”

The idea, according to Tancredo, is that Obama withheld his birth certificate until now simply for the purpose of making Republicans look foolish. That is not true. Republicans can look foolish without any help from Barack Obama.

REPUBLICANS ARE DESPERATE

Donald Trump is number one in the polls of potential Republican candidates for the presidency. Twenty-six percent of the people polled support him. A prominent South Carolina Republican says, "I hear more and more people talking about Donald Trump. He's got people fired up." Only 17 percent favor Mike Huckabee and 15 percent want Mitt Romney to run. Sarah Palin is losing ground . A Wall Street Journal poll shows only ten percent in her favor. Michele Bachmann is gaining, but she suffers from Palin’s foot-in-the-mouth problem.

Trump leads in the polls despite the fact that his major issue seems to be the ridiculous questions of where Barach Obama was born. A Republican chairman in New Hampshire said that Trump “is on TV making a fool of himself.” Karl Rove called Trump a joke candidate. Charles Krauthammer called him a clown.

If the Republicans are so desperate for a candidate that a plurality of them favors a joke candidate, perhaps there is a chance for Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin campaigned in the last election on a real issue, cheap beer. Though he has not yet decided whether to enter the fray, the more he sees of candidates like Donald Trump and Michele Bachmann, the more likely he is to form an exploratory committee.

TEN CENTS FOR DONALD TRUMP

Despite What Ann Coulter says, the liberal media tried to bury the issue of Barack Obama’s African birthplace. Donald Trump has pulled it to the surface again by stating, “I just say very simply, why doesn’t he show his birth certificate? Why has he spent over $2 million in legal fees to keep this quiet and to keep this silent?” Sarah Palin seconded Trump: “More power to him. He’s not just throwing stones from the sidelines, he’s digging in, he’s paying for researchers to find out why President Obama would have spent $2 million to not show his birth certificate.”

Now the Arizona legislature has passed a bill law requiring presidential candidates to prove that they are citizens before their name can be put on the ballot. Once Governor Jan Brewer signs the bill, it will become law.

While Trump seems like an ideal candidate for the presidency, we have to mention his hair. Unlike Mitt Romney, Donald Trump does not have presidential hair, especially when it gets all windblown as in the picture above. The real estate tycoon is a billionaire, so he obviously can afford hairspray. The problem is, he is so focused on crucial issues like Obama’s place of birth that he sometimes forgets to bring his hairspray with him. What he needs is a hairspray guy, someone whose sole responsibility would be to make sure that the Donald always has hairspray handy.

You can make a difference. If every Trump supporter would send just 10 cents to the candidate, he could hire an apprentice hairspray guy. Just put the dime in an envelope and send it to Donald Trump, Atlantic City, NJ.

Not Factual

During the debate over shutting down the government, a major sticking point was money for Planned Parenthood. Republican Senator Jon Kyl thought it was worth closing the government over the issue because abortion is, “well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” Judy Tabar of Planned Parenthood responded that Kyl’s figures were a little off. Abortion is more like three percent of the organization’s activities.

CNN contacted the senator’s office, which responded that his statement was not meant to be factual. “After all,” Kyl stated, “I’m a politician. People know that 90 percent of what I say is bullshit.” Now that’s a statement that we can believe in.

FUND RAISING

Michele Bachmann thought that the founding fathers ended slavery in America in their lifetime, thus eliminating the need for the Civil War and the Emancipation Proclamation. Despite such gaps in her knowledge of American history, the congresswoman is a formidable fund raiser. In the first 90 days of this year she raised over $2 million for her campaign for the oval office. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney raised $1.8 million in the same period. Bachmann raised $13.5 million for her 2010 campaign for her seat in Congress. This is the most money ever raised for a campaign for election to the House of Representatives.

Barack Obama has done pretty well in fund raising also. He collected $750 million in his campaign for the White House. He is expected to raise well over $100 million in the first six months of this year. One fund raiser includes a $35,800-a-plate dinner in San Francisco.

Where does that leave former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? While Perrin has not yet committed to another run for office, he knows that to keep his options open, he must give some thought to campaign funds. Although Perrin was an outstanding candidate, he was not very good in raising money in his run for office. During his 2008 campaign he raised a couple of hundred dollars. Most of that came from supporters in Maine who cashed in returnable cans and bottles to help pay for his campaign.

Although a couple of hundred bucks doesn’t sound like much compared with politicians who raised hundreds of millions, Perrin insists he doesn’t need a lot of money for his campaign. Some say he is too cheap to pay for advertising, but the candidate relies on his blog to get his message out to the real people, the beer drinkers who appreciate his effort keep down the price of beer. Most of Perrin’s campaign funds were spent in fact on cheap beer for the candidate himself. He wanted the public to know that he really believed in the issue that formed the basis of his campaign.

Perrin is asking his supporters in Maine to start taking those cans and bottles to the redemption centers and send any contribution to "Perrin for President" headquarters in Auburn, Maine. He likes the idea of using a meal for a fund raiser. He is thinking about a luncheon of a peanut butter sandwich and a can of cheap beer for $4.90.

TRUMP TRUMPS OBAMA

In a stunning move Donald Trump questioned whether Barack Obama had been born in the United States. He asked why the president could not produce his birth certificate. In this move he showed that if he is elected president, we can depend on him to address the really serious issue confronting the nation.

Then, to rub it in, The Donald produced a birth certificate showing he had been born in Jamaica Hospital in New York. Unfortunately, the document he had was issued by the hospital itself. The only official certificate of birth must come from the New York Department of Health.

As of now, we have no proof that reality show star Donald Trump was born in the country. For all we know, he could have been born on another planet.

IS PERRIN REALLY SERIOUS?

We hear that former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is considering another run for the Oval Office. All we can say is, Is the man really serious? Come on, he’s 80 years old. He never makes appointments for anything in the afternoon because it might interfere with his nap. He’s so hard of hearing that he misses half of what people say to him, even when he is wearing his hearing aids! Finally, let’s face it: He’s boring! He wrote several textbooks about business writing and resume writing. How boring is that? He has a web site called “The Grammar Doctor. The Grammar Doctor! Can you imagine how dull that is? He didn’t get a single electoral vote in the 2008 election. Why is he wasting everyone’s time?

Consider some of the other candidates for office:

Mike Huckabee thought that Obama had grown up in Kenya. When someone called him on that misinformation, he tried to pretend it was a slip of the tongue. He really meant to say “Indonesia.”

Michele Bachmann thinks the American Revolution started in Concord, NH, and that the Founding Fathers ended slavery.

Newt Gingrich managed to shut down the government when he was Speaker of the House. He was one of the hypocritical leaders in the fight to impeach President Clinton for his misdeeds with Lewinski, while the speaker himself was cheating on his wife. However, Gingrich’s infidelity was motivated, he said, by patriotism.

Sharon Angle, running for Congress, believes that unemployment is high because people would rather sit on their asses and collect unemployment than go out and get a job. She also is against abortion, even in cases of rape or incest, because everything is “part of God’s plan.”

Sarah Palin’s incoherent prose is matched only by her ignorance of current events.

In comparison Carl Perrin looks pretty good. Despite his age, he has plenty of energy until it is time for his nap. Although a lot of people don’t know him, he did build some name recognition in his first campaign for the presidency. Finally he ran on an issue that is dear to the hearts of American men and women: cheap beer.

SHARON ANGLE FOR CONGRESS?

In 2008 Sharon Angle lost her fight against Democrat Harry Reid for the U S Senate. Before Angle’s missteps, the seat seemed sure to go to the Republicans. In her campaign, she charged that unemployed Americans were living on the dole. If their unemployment benefits were ended, they would be motivated to get a job. That was not the only position that failed to endear her to the electorate.

She was not in favor of Medicare, and she wanted Social Security to be “transitioned out.” She said that Americans were arming because they didn’t trust the government. She believed, “They're afraid they'll have to fight for their liberty in more Second Amendment kinds of ways." She told a bunch of Latino students that they looked Oriental to her. Perhaps her most astounding position was the reason she was against abortion, even in cases of rape and incest, saying it was against God’s plan.

During her campaign for the Senate, she started to avoid the press. It seems that the media were undermining her by reporting on the things she said. Now she is opening herself to the press again. She is running for Congress in Nevada. She believes she can win the primary and the general election in 2012.

We need more Tea Party candidates like Angle and Christine O’Donnell and Michele Bachmann. In them you can see the intellectual depth of the Tea Party.

PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN?

When former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin flew to St. Louis in February, political insiders naturally wondered if he was taking a swing through the Midwest in preparation for a new campaign.

In answer to reporters’ questions about his intentions, Perrin smiled and said, “I used to live in St. Louis. I’m here just to visit family.”

A reporter from the St. Louis Post-Dispatch asked right out, “Are you going to run for office in 2012?”

“I’m not ruling anything out,” the former candidate replied.

Although this was supposedly a family visit, Perrin did go on a tour of one of St Louis’ better-known businesses, the Anheuser-Busch brewery. The candidate can be seen above holding one of the free beers he got at the end of the tour. In 2008 he campaigned on the issue of cheap beer for American men and women. “The only thing better than cheap beer,” he said, “is free beer.”

MICHELLE BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT?

Michelle Bachmann went to New Hampshire to honor the state’s citizens because it was in Concord, New Hampshire, where the “shot heard round the world” was fired. Okay, so it was another Concord, the one in Massachusetts where that happened. The media jumped right on it. That should be no surprise because, as Bachmann said, "...as we know all 3,400 members of the mainstream media are part of the Obama press contingent." Whenever a Republican politician says something stupid, it must be blamed on what Sarah Palin calls the “lame stream media.”

The Congresswoman from Minnesota has also informed us that the founders of this country, "worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States." Evidently that doesn’t include men like Washington and Jefferson, who were slave owners. It also misses that fact that it was about four score and seven years later before slavery actually ended.

And what was Ms Bachmann doing in New Hampshire? What does any politician do in the Granite State the year before a presidential election? Yes, she is considering a run for the presidency. Perhaps Michelle and Sarah could run together. They would be a great pair, both darlings of the Tea Party. At least Michelle doesn’t claim she can see Russia from her front porch in Minnesota. Maybe she even knows the difference between North and South Korea, but I wouldn’t bet on it.

HE DID IT FOR HIS COUNTRY

Our hats are off to Newt Gingrich. While he was attacking Bill Clinton for his little fling with the Lewinsky Bimbo, Newt was having a little fling of his own. Yes, the Speaker of the House was having his own affair with Callista, a former congressional aide, while he was still married to the second Mrs. Newt Gingrich.
However, Newt had a good reason to fall from grace. It was caused by his passion for his country. "There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," he said. Unlike Clinton, who was evidently just randy, Gingrich did it for his country. You have to admire that kind of reasoning.

And everything turned out just fine. Callista became the third Mrs. Newt Gingrich. They now have a great marriage. Newt has asked for God’s forgiveness for mistakes in his past.

While he was Speaker, Gingrich managed to shut down the government and attack Clinton for doing the same thing he was doing. He told his second wife that he wanted a divorce while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer. But what the hell—no one is perfect. At least he’s smarter than Sarah Palin or Mike Huckabee.

A SLIP OF THE TONGUE

Mike Huckabee criticized President Obama, stating that experiences in his youth led him to resent the West. "One thing that I do know is his having grown up in Kenya, his view of the Brits, for example, (is) very different than the average American," Huckabee said. Huckabee’s geography was a little off, since Indonesia, where Obama did spent part of his boyhood, is halfway around the globe from Kenya.

When news media pointed out this little gaff, Huckabee became indignant, saying that he was “not surprised the NY Times chose to sensationalize this story. In fact, the New York Times, the AP, and other news organizations ran with the "sensationalized story." It was a “simple slip of the tongue,” he added.

That is understandable. People are always saying “Kenya” when they mean to say “Indonesia.” And the Brits in Indonesia? Maybe he was thinking of something else. The Brits have been in so many places, it is hard to keep track of them.

Perhaps we should be grateful that this man, this presidential candidate, did not claim that he could see Russia from his front porch in Arkansas.

SARAH'S SOLUTION

When a journalist asked Sarah Palin how she believed the president has handled the situation in Egypt, she replied, “And nobody yet has, nobody yet has explained to the American public what they know, and surely they know more than the rest of us know who it is who will be taking the place of Mubarak and no, not, not real enthused about what it is that that’s being done on a national level and from D.C. in regards to understanding all the situation there in Egypt.”

You have to admire her ability to put so many words in a single sentence that defies interpretation. It seems to suggest that some unnamed person or persons in Washington through some feat of black magic know who will be taking Mubarak’s place, and these fortune tellers are not going to share their information with anyone. So naturally, some unnamed person (Sarah?) is not real enthused (You ought to check your grammar on those two words, Sarah) about what’s being done on a national level and from D.C. (Where is Wikileaks when we need them?)

Her solution seems to be that the administration just needs to let everyone know what is going to happen in the future. Why didn’t we think of that?

A HEX ON TAXES

Like other Western governments, the government of Romania is feeling the pinch financially. They tried to increase revenue by putting an income tax on self-employed people—like astrologers, fortune tellers, and witches. Big Mistake. The witches in particular are incensed. They are casting spells on the government that initiated the tax on their businesses.

An especially powerful group, the Violet Flame, practices on Thursday. To protect themselves, members of the government wear mauve every Thursday because that protects them against the evil attacks.

Meanwhile, back in the U S, former Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell still insists she is not a witch. Nevertheless, she is unhappy about the IRS because it is investigating what has been called a misuse of campaign funds for her personal use.

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin takes Ms. O’Donnell at her word when she says she is not a witch. However, Perrin has questioned O’Donnell’s qualification for the Senate. He has taken to wearing mauve every Thursday. He doesn’t believe in any of that witchcraft stuff, but why take a chance. You never can tell.