CAMPAIGN DIRT

For some reason lots of Republicans liked Herman Cain, despite his half-baked tax ideas, his confessed ignorance of foreign policy, and his ability to come down on all sides of issues like abortion. Now questions about sexual harassment seem about to derail his campaign for the presidency.

Some insiders are speculating that former Independent candidate Dr. Carl Perrin dropped out of the race a few weeks ago because he feared that opponents would dig up skeletons in his past.

Certainly there was plenty of dirt dug up about him when he ran for the office in 2008. Some charged that he got away with not paying a fine for an overdue book at the Portland, ME, library in 1989. He protested his innocence in that matter, but was not able to produce a receipt to prove he had paid the $1.60 fine.

Political opponents charged that the former English professor was a chocoholic. He did not deny that charge, but claimed that he had the addiction under control. He was not, he said, going to get hopped up on Hershey bars and invade Nova Scotia or anything like that.

Although he campaigned on a platform of cheap beer, some acquaintances alleged that he was a secret oenophile. He angrily denied that and insisted that his beverage of choice had always been cheap beer.

The biggest bombshell to drop on Perrin’s campaign was the accusation that he had been in an improper relationship with a transvestite Russian spy named Natashia, shown above with Perrin in his reserve officer’s uniform in the 1970s. When confronted with the allegation, Perrin angrily stated that he never noticed that Natashia had a mustache, and anyway, it was not that kind of relationship. They were just friends, the former professor claimed.

Political insiders speculate that there were even more damning secrets in Perrin’s past. He dropped out of the campaign of fear that they would come to the surface to haunt him.