HOW MANY MARBLES DOES DR PERRIN STILL HAVE?

A study at the University of Bari showed that older people who are losing it mentally may be able to keep it together a little longer by having one alcoholic drink a day. Participants in the studies were from their mid-sixties to their mid-eighties. Among those who experienced mild cognitive impairment, those who had up to one drink a day experienced less dementia than the teetotalers.

Lakewood, NJ, socialite Dr. Carl Perrin is known for his healthy life style. He is especially fond of health food if that food is chocolate, beer, or even coffee. Perrin wants to keep what marbles he still has, so he was particularly interested in the Bari study. If one drink a day is good for you mentally, two a day must be twice as good, Perrin reasoned. So he tries not to let a single day go by without a couple of drinks to help his mental health.

See Perrin above at left with a martini to help him keep as many marbles as he can.

Ungrateful teenagers

TEENAGERS DEFY RULES OF COMMON DECENCY

Back in the days when Dr. Perrin was a teenager, kids went to school to learn. They paid attention and did what they were told. They dressed up to go to school and never wore jeans or anything really casual to class. If they acted up and got in trouble at school, they would be in even more trouble when they got home.

Unfortunately, times have changed, and not for the better. Today’s teens act up in a way that their parents and especially their grandparents would never had dared. Not only that, but they dress in ways that would have been unthinkable a couple of generations ago. Recently 14-year-old Tony Kay Scott, a student at the Redwood Middle School in California showed up for class wearing an outrageous outfit. She was wearing a denim skirt, a brown shirt with a pink border, but the really offensive item was the pair of long socks bearing a picture of Tigger, the character from A. A. Milne’s Winnie the Pooh!

Fortunately, the school was doing its job. This young troublemaker was escorted to the principal’s office by a uniformed police officer. From there she was sent to an in-school suspension program called Students with Attitude Problems. The school hoped to nip this attitude in the bud. Had the school not acted, this juvenile delinquent might have shown up for class wearing Mickey Mouse tee-shirts or clothes with pictures of Winnie the Pooh or Piglet, or heaven knows what.

Clearly the girl was incorrigible. Later in the year she was disciplined for other violations of the school dress code, once for wearing a shirt with a butterfly emblem, once for wearing clothes with an anti-drug message, and once for wearing a pink tennis shoe! Obviously this young lady was looking for trouble.

You try to help these kids, and they don’t appreciate it. Instead of being grateful to the school, Miss Tony Kay Scott and her parents went to the ACLU, which is now suing the school district on behalf of the student.

CHENEY MISPLACED

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY MISPLACED

Just before Memorial Day a small plane flew into restricted air space near Washington, D. C. The President was out of town, but Vice President Cheney was at work in the White House.

Not taking any chances, the Secret Service hustled the Vice President into hiding. It turned out that the small plane in the restricted air space did not offer any kind of threat to anyone in Washington. The problem arose when the Secret Service went to take the VP out of hiding. They couldn’t remember where they had hidden him! Personally we don’t blame the Secret Service. We have stuff hidden all over the house, and we can’t remember what we hid, much less where we hid it.

Anyway the Secret Service and the White House staff are blaming each other for losing the Vice President, with each side saying that the other was responsible for remembering where they had hidden Mr. Cheney. One member of the vice president’s staff said, “This never would have happened when Scooter was here.”

There is some speculation that the Vice President knew that the threat is over, and he figured that, since the next day was a holiday, he might as well just start his holiday weekend a few hours early. He had some leave time coming, so maybe he decided to take a week or so off. Some people are even suggesting that we will not see Mr. Cheney until after July 4.

We are not saying that this is what happened. We acknowledge that the story is mere speculation, but if it is true, we think the VP should get back on the job. After all, we ’re not paying him a big salary to take an extended vacation every time a small plane flies over the nation’s capital.

Sexual Orientation Revealed

PERRIN REVEALS SEXUAL ORIENTATION

The photo of Carl Perrin and “Natashia” that came to light last week has led some people to raise questions about Perrin’s sexuality. In the photo, a mustachioed “Natashia”, smoking a cigar and wearing a dress, has an arm around Perrin’s shoulder. Perrin is wearing his reserve officer’s uniform. To some it hardly seems credible that Perrin, a Ph. D., didn’t even notice that “Natashia” had a mustache. “Anyway, we were just friends,” the candidate insisted.

For a long time under intense questioning by reporters, Perrin kept avoiding the issue of his sexual orientation. At last, he broke down and confessed that he is a heterosexual. “Not only am I a heterosexual,” he said, “but my sexual orientation is directly related to my having been married three times. At least with me, you won’t have to worry about my chasing male congressional pages around.”

While he was in a confessional mood, Perrin went on to reveal another shortcoming. He disclosed that he is a chocoholic. He admits that he has a chocolate bar “now and then,” but insists that he is able to keep his craving for chocolate under control. “I’m not going to go on a chocolate binge and send the army to invade Newfoundland or anything like that.”

BOMBSHELL

Another bombshell has landed on Carl Perrin’s campaign for the Democratic nomination for the presidency. Just yesterday, a picture of Perrin with a mystery woman surfaced. Perrin refused to identify the woman and insisted that they were just friends anyway.

Now a new picture emerges (or rather an old one). This picture shows Perrin with a companion, taken back in the 70s. Perrin in his reserve officer’s uniform is shown with someone identified just as “Natashia,” who has an arm around a smiling Perrin.

Perrin insists that he and “Natashia” were “just friends." Sound familiar? Anyway, is this “Natashia” person a man or a woman. Perrin insists she is a woman. “She’s wearing a dress, isn’t she?” he asks.

Did Perrin notice that “Natashia” had a mustache and was smoking a cigar? Perrin admits that he didn’t notice these things. “It wasn’t that kind of a relationship,” he says.

PHOTOS REVEAL PERRIN’S SECRET LIFE

It is unfortunate that when someone tries to serve his country by running for the presidency, everyone tries to dig up dirt about the candidate. For a long time rumors were going around that Dr. Carl Perrin was overly fond of women and indeed was not above a little fooling around on the side. Since all this chatter was below the surface, Perrin’s campaign staff could do nothing about it.

Then, as Perrin was coming out of Dunkin Donuts with a small coffee and two jelly donuts, Matt Drudge confronted him with the photo seen above. “She’s just a friend,” the candidate insisted. “Every couple of weeks she would bring me a roast chicken from Costco. There was never anything more than that.” But the issue has been raised, and voters will be suspicious, even though Perrin is completely innocent.

“It just shows how desperate the opposition is,” Perrin went on, “that they would sink to releasing pictures like this in an attempt to destroy my candidacy.” Perrin vows to keep working toward his goal and not let ugly rumors stand in his way.

MILLIONAIRE CANDIDATES

MILLIONAIRE CANDIDATES

Ten of the 40 or 50 candidates running for the presidency are millionaires. The rest are not exactly hurting for money—all except Dr. Carl Perrin, who is as poor as a church mouse. No wonder John Edwards can afford $400 for a haircut, while Perrin has to wait for his Social Security check to pay for his $8 cut. Not only is Edwards a millionaire, but he was paid $479,000 as a part-time consultant to a hedge fund. Wow! Perrin never got paid anything like that even working full time.

People for Perrin, an organization of all eleven of our candidate’s backers, is calling for a change in rules. Millionaires should not be allowed to run for high office. To be eligible to run, wealthy candidates should be compelled to share their money with candidates who have less money, like Perrin, for example. That would level the playing field and be fairer.

What do you think? Let us have your thoughts.