PRESS CATCHES UP WITH ROSIE

A reporter from the Portland Press Herald finally caught up with vice presidential candidate Rosie Thibideau. It was clear that she had spent her time well in preparing for the interview. The reporter Sean Crakajak asked her about the economic crisis facing the country. Ms Thibideau shuffled through a stack of flash cards seeking an answer.

“Sorry, I can’t find my answer to that right now, but I’ll have my staff get back to you.”

“Well, can you at least give us Carl. Perrin’s view on what should be done about the issue?”

Rosie hesitated for only a second before replying, “Dr. Perrin has been a leader on this and other issues facing the nation. I’m sure he has given a lot of thought to the question, and whatever he recommends will be an improvement on what the other candidates suggest.”

“Could we just ask you about foreign relations? A couple of weeks ago you said you understood foreign relations because you had a lot of relatives in Canada. Do you really believe that having Canadian relatives makes you an expert?”

“I never claimed to be an expert, but I do understand Canada. My grandparents on both sides were born in Canada. I go to Canada often. Half the time I do my grocery shopping there.”

DR PERRIN GOES TO WASHINGTON

Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is suspending his campaign until the economic crisis is taken care of. Although he is not sure what he will do about it when he gets to Washington, Perrin says he isn’t going to run around campaigning when the country is in a crisis. “I’m going to think of my country first and do the patriotic thing,” he says. “I’m even pulling my political ads for the time being.”

One reporter pointed out that rumor had it that the Perrin campaign didn’t have enough money to pay for any more ads. The candidate fixed the reporter with an icy glare. “Don’t bring up irrelevant issues,” he said. “Even if I had hundreds of dollars in my campaign fund, I wouldn’t be spending the money and time when my country needs me.”

THEY’VE MADE A MONSTER OUT OF ROSIE

A lot of Rosie Thibideau’s friends are saying they don’t recognize her since Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose her to be his running mate in the upcoming election. She took a leave of absence from her job at Hank Danford’s garage. A lot of her customers are postponing work on their cars until after the election. They are planning to vote against her because they don’t know where they would take their cars and pickups for repairs if she got elected and moved out of town. “Rosie is the best,” one man said. “That’s why I don’t want to see her leave Madawaska.”

“Rosie don’t look the same no more,” according to store owner Orville Henderson. “She’s wearing lipstick.” One store patron added, “She ain’t worn lipstick since she was sixteen.”

“And what about them pants suits?” another asked. “When I saw her in a pants suit, handing out flyers, for a minute I thought it Hillary Clinton. I don’t think I’ve seen Rosie wear anything but jeans since she got married.”

“It’s a damned shame,” her boss Hank Danforth said. “Ever since that newspaper guy got her all mixed up about the state of Georgia and the country of Georgia, the Perrin campaign won’t let her talk to the press by herself. She’s home in her trailer right now, studying maps and things about different countries and stuff.”

PERRIN RESPONDS TO CRITICS

Followers of the two major parties are charging that Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin chose Rosie Thibideau as his running mate not for her qualifications but in an outrageous bid to win more votes. Having a woman on the ticket, they charge, is motivated solely to get more woman to vote for him in the upcoming election. Even more important than that, some say, is that Rosie Thibideau will gain him some credibility with conservatives. After all, until a few months ago, Perrin was running as a Democrat who was promising to hold down the price of beer. Finally, they say, Ms. Thibideau has no qualifications to serve as President of the U.S.

Perrin pooh poohs such allegations. “I didn’t even think of her as a woman,” he says. “People in Madawaska agree that she’s the best damned mechanic in town. She is a take-charge person. When Hank Danforth isn’t at the garage, she is in charge. She has executive experience. Furthermore, for the past dozen years she has single-handedly fought a battle against the secular humanists in the school system.” She is definitely a fighter, the kind of vice president, Perrin implies, that will help him turn Washington around.

There was some flap when she seemed to mistake Georgia in the Caucasus with the Peach State, but she later explained that the question took her by surprise. “Anyway,” she said, “if those Russkies try to attack the state of Georgia, we will whip their ass.”

THIBIDEAU DENIES CHARGES

Former Madawaska second grade teacher Colette St. Pierre claims that while she was a member of the school board, Rosie Thibideau tried to have her fired after Thibideau’s daughter failed a reading test. Ms Thibideau admits that she talked to the elementary school principal about St. Pierre’s qualifications, but that had no connection to daughter Mercedes failing her reading test.

“That woman was teaching those youngsters a bunch of secular humanist stuff,” the former school board member said. She told those innocent children that the dinosaurs had lived millions of years ago. Anyone who reads the Bible knows that the world is only a little over 4,000 years old.”

Rosie also seemed surprised when she was told that Russia had invaded Georgia. “That must of happened during the playoffs,” she said. “During the playoffs, I don’t watch anything else on television.”

She hoped that the situation would be cleared up soon, she said, because she planned to go to Orlando sometime this winter, and she didn’t have to have to go through Russian checkpoints when she drove through Georgia.

ROSIE THIBIDEAU’S BACKGROUND

The Perrin campaign continues to keep Rosie Thibideau away from the media, so we sent our reporter to Madawaska, Maine, to see what we could find out about her. She certainly has an inspiring story. Most of the citizens from Madawaska whom we talk to thought she was ready to be president from day one if something happened to 77-year-old Dr. Carl Perrin.

Until her deadbeat ex-husband walked out on her, she home schooled her three children: 12-year old Mercedes, 10-year old Frankie, and 7-year old Mitsy. Rather than go on welfare, she got a job working in Danforth’s Garage in Madawaska. As a girl Rosie learned how to tinker with cars, and she is a gifted mechanic.

According to her boss Hank Danforth, Rosie isn’t afraid to get a little grease under her fingernails. “She can just listen to motor and tell you what’s wrong with it. Not only that, but she can take any motor apart and put it back together in two hours.” Danforth thinks his employee will make a great vice president. “When I ain’t here, she’s in charge,” he said, “so she knows how to run things.” Although Danforth wishes Rosie success in her political career, he hates the thought of losing her. “She’s the best mechanic I ever had. She’s twice as good as any man.”

Ms Thibideau would not pose for picture, but she was quite comely in her flannel shirt, faded jeans, and Bean boots. Unlike the governor of Alaska, Rosie does not wear lipstick on put any of that other stuff on her face.

Besides raising her three children and working on cars, Rosie is a member of the Madawaska Fire and Rescue team, pictured above. Unfortunately, she was not present on the day the picture was taken.

PERRIN NAMES VP

Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin in a surprise move named his running mate this weekend. Rosie Thibideau, a former member of the Madawaska board of education agreed to run for the vice presidency along with Perrin. Although she is little known outside of her hometown in northern Maine, Perrin insists that she will be ready to serve on day one.

Although Ms. Thibideau does not have a college education, she did earn a GED from Madawaska High School two years after she dropped out, pregnant with her first child. “When I set my eyes on a goal,” she said, “I keep at it until I reach it.”

Though the vice presidential candidate did not earn a traditional high school diploma, she served for two years on the Madawaska board of education. It was a stormy time for her. Some of those secular humanists wanted to teach all that evolution stuff at the high school. Thibideau tried to force a ruling through the board that would require the teaching creationism along with evolution, but other members of the board kept voting her down. She ran for a second term in 2004 but was not reelected.

Rosie has rarely been out of Northern Maine, although she went to Portland a couple times, but she doesn’t care for big cities much. Perrin says that her experience in local politics is a lot more valuable than experience in Washington, because small towns are where real people live. She has a lot of insight into the military because her brother-in-law is a noncom in the Maine National Guard. She also knows a lot about foreign relations because she has lots of relatives in Canada.

Our reporter tried to interview Ms. Thibideau at her trailer just outside Madawaska, but she refused to talk to the press, because, she said, “journalists distort everything.”

VEEP SARAH

Vice President Dick Cheney told reporters that Governor Sarah Palin has the instincts to make an excellent vice president. “Every time I had to get out of sight, I had to go to an undisclosed location, but Sarah hides in plain view. She gets up in front of huge crowds and wows them with snappy comments. She’s fine just as long as they keep the press away from her. Those nosey buggers from the media all want to dig into her background and ask embarrassing questions. No wonder John McCain wants to keep them away from her. They should have some respect for her privacy.”

Sarah Palin is a strong, independent woman, and we could all learn something from her. In her first 18 months on the job as governor of Alaska, she got a $60-a-day per diem allowance for the nights she spent at home rather than at the state’s capital. During that time she spent 300 nights at her house in Wasilla, earning some $18,000 just for staying home! Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has nothing but admiration for the Alaska governor. He would like to talk to her and find out more about that $60-a-day per diem. When he is elected, he plans to spend most of his time at home, and he wants to get $60 a day for sleeping in his own bed.

SARAH BARRACUDA

John McCain has shown excellent judgment in choosing a running mate who so eminently qualified to lead the nation in his place if the need should arise. While some people questioned Ms Palin’s expertise in foreign affairs, Cindy McCain pointed out that Alaska is our closest state to Russia! That is reassuring. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t see something that obvious myself.

Like McCain, Palin is against earmarks—unless they’re going to Alaska. As mayor of Wasilla, she gained $27 million from Washington for various local projects. She was against Senator Stevens’s “Bridge to Nowhere,” but that was after she supported it. She raised sales taxes to build a hockey rink in her town. Last June she said it was “God’s will” that Washington pay for a $30 billion gas pipeline in Alaska. She said that the war in Iraq was a “task from God.” It is really scary to think of someone who thinks like that with her hands in control of nuclear weapons.

She is really tough in fighting for what she believes in. She threatened to fire the Wasilla librarian who refused to go along with her desire to censor library books. She did fire the public safety commissioner when he refused to fire a state trooper, an ex-husband of Sarah’s sister.

With a little seasoning Sarah could become as skillful as Dick Cheney in getting things done her way. She’s a hunter, and a better shot than Cheney. As Fred Thompson said, “She’s the only nominee who knows how to field dress a moose.” Snicker at that if you want, but you never can tell when such a skill might come in handy for a vice president.