PERRIN REENTERS THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE!

Former Republican congressman from Georgia, Bob Barr, is running for president on the Libertarian ticket. That must be great news for John McCain, who is running against Barack Obama. Polls put McCain well behind Obama, even before factoring Barr into the equation.

Now in a stunning new development, another candidate is running on a conservative ticket. Former candidate Dr. Carl Perrin recently dropped out of the Democratic race, but our sources tell us that he will reenter as the candidate for the recently-formed Conservative Family Values Part. It will certainly be a hard sell for him to present himself as a family values man after a political career as a liberal. However, he says, “I’ve been married three times. How much more family oriented than that can you get?”

Some political analysts speculate that Perrin hopes to help Obama by pulling votes away from McCain. Voters who value McCain for his experience and maturity should really go ga-ga over Perrin, who is six years older and six years more experienced than the Arizona senator.

ARE PERRIN SUPPORTERS READY TO GET BEHIND OBAMA?

Dr. Carl Perrin has dropped from the presidential race and thrown his support to Senator Barack Obama. Some of Perrin’s followers, however, are not yet ready to cry “uncle.” Although Obama clearly appreciates and needs the former English professor’s backing, he has not yet offered jobs to any of Perrin’s former staffers. On that subject, a spokesperson from Obama headquarters said, “Perrin didn’t have any paid staff people. Everyone who worked on the Perrin campaign was a volunteer. We’re perfectly willing to let them volunteer for us.”

While former candidate Carl Perrin would like to see his campaign workers get a job in the Obama operation, he is more interested in getting a job for himself in the Obama administration. He has some really great ideas on how to keep the price of beer within reach for working American men and women. Obama headquarters has Perrin’s telephone number and e-mail address. He is waiting to hear from them.

AM I MISSING SOMETHING HERE?

The price of food keeps going up. Part of the reason for that is that a lot of corn is being used for ethanol rather than food. In 2006 14 percent of the corn crop was made into ethanol. By 2010 that is expected to rise to 30 percent.

And yet corn ethanol is very inefficient. It takes one unit of energy just to produce two units of energy from corn. Ethanol from sugar cane produces eight units of energy for every unit consumed. Sugar cane requires a tropical climate, but the importation of sugar ethanol is discouraged by a 54-cents-a-gallon tariff.

The state of Florida has just bought the United States Sugar Company for $1.75 billion dollars. The purchase includes 187,000 acres of land just north of the Everglades National Park. So is the state going into the business of creating ethanol from sugar cane? No, that would make too much sense. They are going to return it to the swampland it was in the 1890s.

Somehow this is supposed to be good for the environment, but I’m not sure just how.

WHAT ABOUT CHEAP BEER?

What a mess! The price of gasoline has doubled in the past year. Food prices keep going up. Where will it stop?

People in India and China and other places are starting to enjoy a standard of living that Americans have taken for granted for years. There is more demand for petroleum around the world than ever before. The oil producing countries probably cannot keep up with demand. Petroleum is contributing to global warming. Something needs to be done, and the production of ethanol is probably a good place to start.

The problem is, we have not gone about it very wisely. We are growing more corn for ethanol, which means less for food for export to poor countries. The problem with corn ethanol is that it produces just two units of energy for every unit it uses. We’re all paying for that tiny bit of extra energy because the government subsidizes rich farmers to grow that corn.

Brazil creates ethanol from sugar cane, a much more efficient process. Sugar ethanol creates eight units of energy for every unit of energy used. Sugar cane requires a tropical climate, but we could import ethanol from Brazil. The problem is, there is a 54-cent-a-gallon tariff on Brazilian sugar cane ethanol.

That makes a lot of sense. We support inefficient corn ethanol through subsidies while keeping out efficient sugar ethanol through tariffs.

Through all of this the cost of beer keeps growing up. Instead of growing barley to make beer, farmers are growing corn for inefficient ethanol production.

Dr. Carl Perrin is no longer in the presidential race, but he is still eager to serve the country. He is volunteering his services as a sub-cabinet officer, perhaps in the Department of Agriculture. In this role he would see to it that barley crops are subsidized. This needs to be done soon to keep the price of beer affordable to working people and to senior citizens!

WILL PERRIN BE OFFERED THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL SPOT?

When Hillary Clinton finally dropped out of the presidential race, people started talking about her as the vice presidential candidate. Naturally, Dr. Carl Perrin’s supporters are wondering the same about him.

Sources close to Perrin, however, tell us that he is not enthusiastic about the 2nd spot on the ticket. The only thing about the VP job that appeals to him is the salary. Although it is less than half of the presidential salary that he once hoped to earn, $186,000 seems pretty good to a man who struggled on a teacher’s pay for almost 50 years.

Actually, Perrin says, he would prefer a job that isn’t in the limelight so much. The VP has to do all the dirty work and then take the blame when anything goes wrong. Look at all the criticism of Dick Cheney. Perrin wouldn’t want that kind of negativity directed toward him.

Dr. Perrin would rather have a cabinet post. The salary is only $149,000, and it doesn’t include free government housing, but it wouldn’t require as much work. So he asks the VP search committee to leave him out, but remember him when they start to fill cabinet posts. President Obama might even want to create a new post just for Dr. Perrin, something like the Secretary of Cheap Beer.

PERRIN CONCEDES RACE

After Hillary gave up and threw her lukewarm support to Barack, political analysts wondered when Carl Perrin would do the same. Although Senator Clinton had a lot more delegates than Dr. Perrin (who in fact had none), a lot of people like the former English professor better than the New York senator.

Mrs. Clinton tried to win the beer drinkers’ vote by posing with a mug of beer, but true beer drinkers knew that Perrin had come out in favor of cheap beer from the very beginning. He was drinking beer when Hillary was a toddler.

As Perrin looked over the political landscape after June 3, he realized he had no chance of winning the Democratic nomination. For a while he considered running as an Independent. Then he thought about the damage that Ralph Nader had done to the country in his 2000 run for the presidency. He could not bring himself to inflict that kind of harm to the nation again.

Perrin is withdrawing from the race and throwing his considerable influence behind Barack Obama. Perrin denies that he hopes his support for the Illinois senator will bring him a cushy job in the Obama administration. “Of course, if he offers me a job, I wouldn’t turn it down,” the professor said with a grin.