SAVE US FROM PANDERERS

Senator John McCain has come up with a wonderful idea. Why doesn’t the government suspend the federal tax on gasoline during the summer when people drive so much more? Senator Hillary Clinton climbed right aboard the gas tax holiday with her buddy John. The Arizona senator would make up for the loss of tax revenue from the general fund, which means it would not be made up. The New York senator would balance the money lost in the tax holiday by putting a windfall tax on the oil companies. This is a proposal that has already come before the senate and rejected.

Barack Obama doesn’t think dropping the tax during the summer months makes much sense, and it could even lead to higher gasoline costs. If people drive more and use more petroleum, the cost of gasoline could go up even further, negating the effect of the dropped tax. Furthermore, the tax money now goes for highway maintenance. The loss of funding for that would lead to a loss of thousands of construction jobs, just when we need to create jobs.

How much would the average family save if the gas tax is suspended from Memorial Day to Labor Day? According to a CNN article the average family would save about $2.35 every time they fill their tank. Congressional analysts,however, say that that means the average family would save about $30 over the summer. Well, whoop-te-do! I can see families sitting around discussing what they’re going to do with all that money.

Unfortunately, people will not see the false promise of McCain/Clinton scheme. Pretending to give something to everyday people, their plans will just drive up the price of gasoline, negating the “savings” which the two senators offer. They’ll repeat the false charges that Senator Obama is “out of touch” with common people, and they’ll go to the polls and vote for the panderers.

JEREMIAH WRIGHT TO THE RESCUE

Just a few weeks ago Barack Obama seemed on track to win the Democratic nomination. He had more votes than Hillary Clinton, more delegates, more endorsements by super delegates, and he was way ahead in fund raising. Democratic leaders were calling on the New York senator to drop out of the race so that the party could come together and prepare to fight the Republican candidate. When clips of Jeremiah Wright’s speech God damning America started appearing on the Internet, the Illinois senator gave a masterful speech in response to it. He was able to project his ability to see both sides of the race conflict. People were saying that the contest of Obama’s to lose.

And right away he started lose it. Hillary was expected to win in Pennsylvania, but the outcome might have been closer if it had not been for Barack’s comment that when small town people (poor whites) became bitter, they turned to guns and religion. Whoops! It was not only probably wrong factually, but it was certainly impolitic. Hillary called him an elitist who didn’t understand working class people. Then we see her on television in a bar with mug of beer and then with a shot of whiskey, while Barack goes to a bowling alley and throws a gutter ball. People wonder why he doesn’t wear an American flag in his lapel. Maybe he’s lacking in patriotism, particularly when you consider Wright’s comments damning America and Michelle Obama’s statement earlier in the campaign that for the first time in her adult life, she is proud of America.

A flag in the lapel is no true measure of patriotism, of course, but part of being a politician is creating an image. It wouldn’t hurt the Illinois senator to wear a flag pin in his lapel or to be seen hoisting a mug of beer.

Anyway, just at this crucial moment, Jeremiah Wright comes to the rescue. The reverend has been popping up all over the television. He mimicked JFK’s New England accents and LBJ’s Texas accent, charging that no one told those men that they spoke bad English. Black children, however, who speak Ebonics are told that their English is incorrect. He insisted that attacks on his statements are not an attack on him or on Barack Obama but attacks on the black church. Huh?

All Barack Obama needs now is an endorsement from Dick Cheney.

RUSSIAN HANKY PANKY?

Rumors have been circulating that 55-year-old Russian president Valdimir Putin has been having a little fling with 24-year-old gymnast Alina Kabaeva. One Russian newspaper, the Moskovski Korrespondent, reported that the president had divorced his wife, Liudmila Putina, or was about to divorce her and marry the young gymnast. When Putin angrily denied the story, the newspaper was shut down. However, rumors continue to flouish.

Now an Afghani newspaper reports that Putin first met Alina Kabaeva when she was just 17, and they have had a thing going on ever since. In the meantime a big event is being prepared for Putin in Saint Petersburg. Some say the preparations are for a wedding between the love birds. Official word is that it is mere a celebration of the wedding anniversary of Vladimir and Luidmila. We’ll have to wait and see.

Meanwhile French president Nicholas Sarkozy divorced his second wife, Cẻcilia five months after he was elected to office. Before their marriage she had been a model. Four months later Sarkozy married another model, Carla Bruni. Recently nude pictures of the new Mme Sarkozy have been travelling around the Internet.

I’m so grateful to be an American. Our political leaders don’t get involved in that kind of hankjy panky.

DEMOCRATIC DEBATE

For the past week Barack Obama has been taking flak because he suggested that lower middle class whites were embittered by their lack of power. Because of this they turned to guns and religion and animosity toward people who didn’t look like them. He lost some points in that statement.

Big Bill said the Hillary “misspoke” about coming under fire in Bosnia because she was old and tired. Hillary loses some points for the misstatement. Bill loses lots of points and has to sleep on the couch—again.

Hillary brought up Barack’s pastor, Jeremiah Wright, who made anti-American statements. Both Hillary and Barack lose points, Barack for a suggestion of possible insufficient patriotism, Hillary for the perception of negative campaigning. Wright is old news, and Barack had already eloquently responded to the issue.

Hillary points out that Barack served on a board in Chicago with former Weather Underground member Bill Ayers, now an English professor. (You have to be suspicious of English professor no matter what their background is.) Hillary looks as though she’s grasping at straws. When Ayers was part of the Weather Underground, Barack was eight years old. Anyway Big Bill had pardoned some members of the Weathermen.

Who won the debate? John McCain, no doubt about it.

ANNIE OAKLEY

At a San Francisco fund raiser last week, Barack Obama said some working-class voters are bitter over their economic circumstances and "cling to guns and religion" as a result. Over the weekend Hillary Clinton called the remarks “elitist and divisive.” She went on to say she had learned to shoot a gun during summer vacations when she was a child. Not only that, but she shot a duck once when she was in Arkansas.

Obama has charged that she was talking like she was Annie Oakley. Now Vice President Dick Cheney wants to get into the act. He’s not about to let a Democrat outgun him. He has challenged Annie Clinton to a contest. They will go duck hunting and see who can shoot the most duck hunters. Oops! Make that ducks.

CARTER AND HAMAS

Former president Jimmy Carter announced that he plans to speak to exiled Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal in Syria. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice immediately attacked the plan, saying there is nothing “to be gained having discussions with Hamas about peace when Hamas is, in fact, the impediment to peace."

That makes as much sense as anything else in the Bush foreign policy. Why talk to someone who is firing missiles at Israel when you can fire missiles back and escalate the violence? Why talk to someone who is the enemy of your friend and try to find some common ground, some area of possible compromise? Why involve all the parties in conflict when you talk about peace? Why seek peace when you can continue war? That kind of thing makes too much sense for the Bush administration.

A BIG HELP

At one time Bill Clinton was seen as the most talented politician in America. As people saw it, Bill’s political skills would be really helpful in getting Hillary nominated and elected president. Lately, however, he seems almost to be trying to sabotage her campaign. His attacks on Barack Obama, referring to him as a kid whose opposition to the war was a “fairy tale,” united supporters behind the Illinois senator. Clinton’s attempt to dismiss Obama’s win in South Carolina as Jesse Jackson redux also backfired. The former president’s tendency to get red in the face and point fingers at reporters hasn’t helped advance his wife’s cause.

Now Billy Boy is trying to make up for all the gaffes of the last few months. When Hillary “misspoke” about coming under sniper fire in Bosnia, the press jumped on it. Now, just as people were beginning to forget about that incident, Bill rode to her defense. After all, he said, his wife is 60 years old, and it was 11:00 o’clock at night when she had her memory lapse. In other words, she’s old and tired.

Hey, thanks a lot, Bill. Maybe he could get some extra help from that broad with the blue dress and the beret—whatsername, Monica something?

PUT A PADLOCK ON IT

The East Java Province of Indonesia passed a regulation that would require masseuses to wear a padlock on their pants. Since massage parlors are frequently fronts for prostitution, the local government hopes the new policy will cut down on promiscuity. Some locals are protesting the policy, saying that it is an insult to women.

Others are saying that the padlocks are on the wrong pants. Thomas Athens, husband of U. S. Senator Debbie Stabenow, paid a prostitute $150 in February. Of course that’s nothing compared to former New York governor Eliot Spitzer’s $80,000 prostitution bill. Nevertheless, some people are saying that Senator Stabenow and Mrs. Spitzer and several other women we can think of might want to put a padlock on their husbands’ pants before they let them out of the house.

IS PERRIN PLANNING TO RUN FOR CONGRESS—AS A REPUBLICAN?!

Inside sources tell us that Dr Carl Perrin is beginning to see that he has no hope of winning that Democratic nomination. He may even be thinking of dropping out of that race and entering another race—as a Republican!

This is a bad year for Republicans. Between the war and the economy, voters are blaming the GOP for everything that’s wrong with Washington and the country. The party is finding it difficult to find candidates to run for congressional seats.

According to what we hear, the Republican leadership is trying to recruit some erstwhile Democratic candidates to run as Republicans. "Once you get in office,” they say, “you can vote your conscience. We will help you get elected because we want to have some nominal Republicans elected, so we won’t look so bad in November.” Insiders tell us that Dr. Carl Perrin is one of those who has been approached by the GOP.

We have been told that Perrin is considering the offer. The job pays $169,300 a year. That’s a lot more than he ever made as a teacher. Beside that, there are a lot of benefits that he finds appealing.

Perrin denies that he is considering a run for Congress and insists that he is still in the running for the Democratic nomination .

ORGANIZED POLITICAL PARTY

Someone once said, “I don’t belong to an organized political party; I’m a Democrat.” Lately the party has been living up to its reputation for disorganization. Bill Clinton tried to raise doubts about Barack Obama’s patriotism, while Hillary Clinton questioned his experience. Then James Carville compared New Mexico governor, Democrat Bill Richardson to Judas. This was because Richardson, who had served in the Bill Clinton administration, endorsed Obama. While all this dog fighting is going on, top Democrats, like Vermont senator Patrick Leahy, are calling Hillary to step down before the Democratic candidates expose their opponents’ vulnerabilities for the Republicans to exploit in the fall election.

On the surface it seems as though Obama and Clinton are not very far apart in the race. He has between 100 and 200 more delegates than she has, not enough to clinch the nomination. It looks as though the fight will go on right into the convention, with the two candidates picking away at each other, making it easier McCain to pull ahead of them.

There is a solution to this problem. With the two major candidates locking horns, the convention can choose a compromise candidate, like Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin has stopped active campaigning, but he has not withdrawn from the race. If elected, Hillary would be the first woman president, and Barack would be the first African-American. If Perrin is elected, he will be 78 at election time. He would be the first real geezer to win that office. Once Perrin’s name gets out, all kinds of constituencies would flock to the polls to vote for him. He grew up on a farm, he worked in a factory, he belonged to a union, he is a veteran, he taught English for a half a century. The geezers would have no problem choosing between him and John McCain. For those voters, McCain has just barely reached the age of geezerdom.

PERRIN MISSPOKE

Dr. Carl Perrin is still in the race for the Democratic nomination, although he is not actively campaigning. Perrin has revealed to news sources that he misspoke when he said he led an infantry platoon in a charge up Pork Chop Hill in Korea. The candidate was speaking to some other war veterans at the village clubhouse when he told how he led the third platoon of Item Company of the 200th Infantry Regiment in the battle toward the end of the Korean War.

When news sources confronted Perrin with the fact that he never was in Korea and in fact spent the war as a clerk in a personnel office, he admitted that it was true he had never been in Korea. The only time he was under fire was in the infiltration course during basic training. His memory isn’t what it used to be, he admitted, and he must have confused the infiltration course with his viewing of the 1959 movie “Pork Chop Hill,” starring Gregory Peck.

“I wasn’t at Pork Chop Hill,” the former soldier admitted, but I was in Item Company of the 200th Infantry Regiment in South Carolina.”

TEXT MESSAGING CAN BE HAZARDOUS—TO YOUR CAREER

WOULD YOU TEXT MESSAGE THIS WOMAN?

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick, a married man, denied under oath that he and his chief of staff Christine Beatty had had a sexual relationship. Text messages, however, reveal that Beatty asked the mayor if he missed her sexually. He responded, "Hell yeah! You couldn't tell. I want some more.” Now the mayor is facing perjury charges.

It is not only America’s governors and mayors who are involved in hanky-panky or who send incriminating text messages. Finland’s foreign minister, 60-year-old Ilkka Kanerva sent over 200 text messages to Johanna Tukiainen, a 29-year-old exotic dancer. One message asked the young woman, "Would you like to do it in an exotic place? Where could it be?" The conservative National Coalition Party fired Kanerva, saying that he had shown poor judgment and the administration no long had confidence in him.

The moral of this story is, if you’re in public life, and you’re going to fool around, don’t send text messages to your sweetie.