BOOK REVIEW

If you like to read about political idiots, Paul Slanksy’s Idiots, Hypocrites, Demagogues, and More Idiots, published by Bloombury, is the book for you. It skewers both Democrats and Republicans, although the latter, for some reason, have a lot more space devoted to their stupid comments.

Former vice president Dan Quayle is well represented among the first group:

Talking about child-care, he told one audience, “We understand the importance of having the bondage between the parent and the child.”

He told another group, “We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”

He referred to members of Bush’s team who had treated him with contempt during the campaign. Now they would have to deal with him. “I’m the vice president,’ he said. “They know it, and they know that I know it.”

Congresswoman Helen Chenoweth is among the hypocrites represented in the book. After strongly denouncing Bill Clinton for his dalliance with the Lewinsky bimbo, Chenoweth was found to have had an affair with a married man in the 1980s. Her indiscretion, however, occurred, she told reporters, “when I was a private citizen and a single woman.”

Loudmouth Rush Limbaugh frequently attacked drug addicts and called for their imprisonment. In 2003 he admitted that he was addicted to OxyContin.

Dick Cheney referred to water boarding as a “dunk in the water.”

Told to put out a cigar in a restaurant because of federal regulations, Congressman Tom Delay, “I am the federal government.”

I chuckled through most of the book, though sometimes I gasped in horror to realize that these were the people running the country. Some of Nixon’s comments revealed on tape were truly horrifying.

The book costs $14.95. It’s worth every penny. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for you liberal friends for Christmas presents.

IT ISN’T FAIR!

Some people have all the luck. A prime example is hair. Some people have more hair than they really need, while others get left out. It’s not just vanity; hair can really help men be successful in life.

A case in point is former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin. Two years ago Perrin threw his hat into the ring as a candidate for the Democratic nomination for the presidency. Unfortunately, the voting public found it hard to take a bald man seriously. When it became clear to him that he was never going to win the Democratic nomination, Perrin switched to the Family Values Party. Few people donated money to his campaign, and he wasn’t able to advertise nationally. His candidacy did not even make a blip on the radar screen. If he had more hair, Perrin is convinced he would have been more credible as a candidate.

On the other hand, we have Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who has hair all over the place. Carl Perrin’s mother told him that envy was not an admirable trait, but he can’t help but wonder, if he had hair like the Illinois governor, he could have been the one trying to sell Barack Obama’s senate seat.

SHARING THE PAIN

Things are really tough on Wall Street. Senior executives at Merrill Lynch will not be getting a bonus this year. The top three executives at Morgan Stanley can forget about their bonuses this year also. However, the 14-member operating committee will still get a bonus, but it will be cut by 75 percent. The president of a New York finance-recruiting firm said, “Clearly they’re trying to spread the pain out a little bit.”

Merrill Lynch CEO John A. Thain requested a $10 million bonus. He had saved the company from ruin by selling it to Bank of America. When New York attorney general Andrew Cuomo and others protested paying a bonus to Thain, he withdrew his request.

Former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin wants to share Wall Street’s pain. Instead of paying that $10 million to John A. Thain, why not give it to a deserving professor like Perrin. The professor would not even object to having the bonus cut by 75 percent. He would be satisfied with $2.5 million.

INAUGURATION FESTIVITIES

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has not yet received his invitation to the inaugural festivities. Perrin is sure it is an oversight. Some low-ranking clerk forgot to send the message to the former candidate. Or maybe the invitations haven’t been sent yet. There are still over forty days to the big event.

The former English professor ran first in the Democratic primary. When he failed to win the Democratic nomination, he ran as a Family Values candidate, running under that aegis because he has been married three times. True, Perrin did not win any delegates in either race, but he graciously withdrew at the eleventh from the November vote, throwing his weight behind Barack Obama. While Perrin didn’t have that many followers, his withdrawal was a symbolic gesture, a generous offer to back the young man who became president-elect.

Obama’s strongest opponent in the primaries has now been named as the Secretary of State in the Obama administration. You can be sure that she will be dancing at the Inaugural Ball. Perrin admits that he still hopes to become part of the Obama administration, perhaps as head of a commission to keep the price of beer affordable to American working men and women.

The former English professor is hoping that this message will get to someone on Obama’s transition team. Just check out the breakdown in communications and be sure that Perrin gets his invitation. He is keeping his calendar clear so he can attend the big party.

SEXIEST MAN OF THE YEAR?

PERRIN LOSES OUT AGAIN
PEOPLE magazine has named some actor named Hugh Jackman the Sexiest Man Alive for this year. What's wrong with them? They could have named the handsome devil above. It's time the title stopped going to all those young guys.

New Jersey denizen Dr. Carl Perrin was not even considered, even though he is the leading man in the village’s Bare Bones Theatre. Perrin keeps hoping that next year he will be the magazine’s sexiest man of the year. If that doesn’t happen soon, the former English professor is considering a suit against the magazine for age discrimination. The AARP is looking into it also.