LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK

Some people laughed at Christine O’Donnell’s when she ran for the U. S. Senate from Delaware. She surprised everyone when she won the Republican primary in that state after getting an endorsement from right wing sweetheart Sarah Palin, but in the general election the public laughed at her statements about witchcraft and masturbation. The election wasn’t even close.

Now we learn that she has inked a book deal with St. Martin’s Press. She announced, "The 2010 midterm elections were just the beginning -- the first rumblings of a revolution that has not fully erupted. I plan on making my book one of the revolution's catalysts." The publication is planned for August.

People also laughed when former English professor Dr. Carl Perrin ran for the presidency. They didn’t take it seriously when he came out in favor of cheap beer. Perhaps they won’t consider him so ridiculous if he too gets a book deal. He recognizes that in order to get a publisher to consider him, he needs more name recognition. Perhaps if he not only runs, but gets nominated for something in the next election, he will have a chance.

O’Donnell became a challenger after Sarah Palin endorsed her. Maybe Perrin could get the former governor of Alaska to put in a good word for him. It doesn’t seem likely that Sarah would endorse a liberal like Perrin, but stranger things have happened.

GLAD HE'S NOT RUNNING

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is glad he is not running for office in this election. Politicians are pulling out all stops in their effort to dredge up any dirt about their opponents.

Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle of Nevada criticized mainstream Republicans in these words. “"The Republicans have lost their standards, they've lost their principles ... really that's why the machine in the Republican Party is fighting against me.” Her opponent, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, is using her words against her.

In Connecticut Democratic candidate for the Senate Richard Blumenthal seems to have been mixed up about whether or not he served in Vietnam. (He didn’t.) His opponent Linda McMahon questions his veracity. “If he lied about Vietnam,” she asks, “what else is he lying about?”

It turns out that Republican candidate for governor of California, Meg Whitman, for nine years had a maid who was an illegal alien. This despite her strong stand about illegal aliens.

And then there is Christine O’Donnell, Republican candidate for Joe Biden’s old seat in the Senate. Every day new dirt about her appears. She used campaign money for personal expenses, she dabbled in witchcraft, she lied about having a college degree, etc., etc.

Carl Perrin’s heart goes out to these candidates. He knows what it is like to have mud flung at him from all directions. When he was running for the presidency, someone dug up the story about his failure to pay the fine on an overdue library book at the Portland Public Library back in the eighties. Even worse, some mud slinger dredged up the story about his having had contacts with “Natashia,” who may or may not have been a Russian agent.

If he were running in this election, Perrin knows, someone would be digging up a story about his addiction to chocolate or something. He has not decided whether to run for office in 2012, but all the digging and mud slinging gives him pause.

CHRISTINE O'DONNELL FOR THE SENATE?

Christine O’Donnell is running for the Delaware senate seat once held by Joe Biden. She has reported earnings of only $5800 in the last year. She has no steady income. She even defaulted on her mortgage. A former aide charged that O’Donnell used campaign funds for rent and living expenses. For years she has been telling people that she graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University, but in fact she earned her degree only in the last month.

She founded an organization called the Savior’s Alliance for Lifting the Truth. The organization focused on sexual purity and claimed scientific evidence that God created the earth in six 24-hour periods. On the other hand, she once told Bill Maher that she had “dabbled in witchcraft” and once went on a date with a witch. The date ended with a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.

Clearly, Ms. O’Donnell is just the kind of person we need in the United States Senate—even though some prominent Republicans have doubts about her. Karl Rove said, “There’s just a lot of nutty things she’s been saying that just simply don’t add up. I’m for the Republican, but I’ve got to tell you, we were looking at eight to nine seats in the Senate. We’re now looking at seven to eight. In my opinion, this is not a race we’re going to be able to win.”

This woman won the primary with the help of the Tea Party. What we need is a coffee party to help us wake up. At the very least we need to go to Washington on October 30 for Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity.

CONNECTICUT SENATE RACE

Linda McMahon has the Republican nomination for senator just about sewed up in Connecticut. She has the ideal background for politics. For the past quarter century Ms McMahon along with her husband Vince has headed the World Wrestling Entertainment. The skills she picked up in this role will come in handy as she wrestles Democrats to the mat.

You have to admire her honesty. Back in the eighties, when some wrestling organizations were trying to pretend that the matches were athletic contests, Ms. McMahon said, no, they were scripted shows. They were entertainment. Because of that it was not necessary to have the kind of oversight required by boxing, which was a real sport. They did not need to have ringside doctors or pay licensing fees.

Wrestlers who wanted to be in the game had to sign exclusive contracts with the W.W.E. They were classified as independent contractors rather than employees. Therefore the McMahons did not have to pay Social Security, Medicare, or Unemployment insurance. Tactics like these allowed the couple to build the W.W.E. into a $1.2 billion empire.

Wrestlers who wanted to form a union found themselves unable to participate in professional wrestling. When investigators found widespread use of steroids among the wrestlers, Linda McMahon and her husband were able to squelch it.

Like many Republican candidates in the coming election, Linda McMahon is using some of the fortune she amassed to finance her campaign. The Democratic candidate is sure to be better than McMahon. But wait! He has some problems of his own.

The Democratic candidate is Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal. Blumenthal has said things like, "We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam." There’s nothing wrong with referring to one’s military service. The problem in Blumenthal’s case is that HE NEVER SERVED IN VIETNAM. Au contraire, he got several deferments to avoid military service. Then when his number seemed to be up, he joined the Marine Reserve and stayed in that during the war. He later said he “misspoke” about his military service.

What the hell is wrong with the guy? Is he lying (misspeaking)? Did he just forget that he didn’t actually serve in Vietnam? Is he too goddamn dumb to realize people will find out whether he was in the war?

So, people of Connecticut, I feel really sorry for you. The only worthwhile candidate in the senate race is None of the Above.

MODEL FOR AMERICAN TEENAGERS

Bristol Palin is a model for American teenagers. Two years ago the unmarried teen gave birth to a child. Now she is the teen ambassador for a foundation to prevent teen pregnancy. She is willing to speak to groups about her experiences, for a fee of $15,000. She even acted in a series “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” Her role was an unmarried teen mother named Bristol—talk about type casting! Now we understand that she and Levi Johnston are hooking up again.

Like her mother Ms Palin has been an inspiration to retired English professor Carl Perrin. He too would like to talk to people to give them the benefit of his experiences. Unfortunately, he was such a goody two-shoes as a teenager that he rarely got into trouble. However, he did go to the park beside his high school and smoked cigarettes during lunch break. He would be glad to talk to teenagers about the evils of tobacco. After 40 years he gave up the filthy weed. Now he is tobacco free. He isn’t even asking $15,000 to give his anti-tobacco talk. He’ll do it for $1,000.

Perrin also brings a lot of stage experience if someone wants to cast him in a play. He realizes that he can’t do a convincing performance as a teenager, but he could play someone who used to be a teen.

BE THANKFUL

Just be thankful that Carl Perrin was not elected president in 2008. The FBI recently arrested a coup of alleged Russian agents in New York. These spies had been in this country for many years. They were in deep cover, living lives of normal American suburbanites. Among those arrested was 28-year-old Anna Chapman, whom the press is calling a femme fatale.

What has this to do with presidential candidate Carl Perrin? In the late seventies and early eighties Perrin was involved with a person known only as “Natashia.” There was some speculation back then that Natashia was a Russian spy. This was never proven, but it was never disproved either. As you can see by the photograph above, of Natashia and Perrin in his reserve officer's uniform, she was something of a femme fatale also.

Perrin claims he hasn’t seen Natashia for decades, but you can bet if he had been elected president, Natashia would have climbed out of wherever she is hiding. Just think, a spy with a link to the White House! The Russians would have known about Perrin’s plan to keep cheap beer at an affordable price for American men and woman. What a mess that would have been!

RAPE IS PART OF GOD'S PLAN

Sharron Angle is the Tea Party/Republican candidate for the Senate, running against Senate Majority Leader Harry H Reid. She has learned from the mistakes of other extreme candidates that the best publicity comes from avoiding the press, except of course right wing media like Fox News.

Sarah Palin revealed her insights into world events when she confused the state of Georgia with the Georgia, the former member of the USSR, when she couldn’t think of a single Supreme Court decision that she favored, when she referred to Africa as a country rather than a continent. John McCain’s staff soon kept the press away from her, hoping to teach her in a few weeks what she had failed to learn in the previous 40 years. Rand Paul, another Tea Party favorite, revealed that he wanted to go back to the good old days of segregated lunch counters. While there are probably some benighted people would like to do that, most voters find the thought repulsive.

Angle would like to eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency and “transition out” Social Security, whatever that means. She is against abortions, even in cases of rape or incest. Right wingnuts might eat up that kind of talk, but a lot of voters find it pretty scary. So instead of seeking the media to report her views, she has started to avoid them, answering “no comment” to their questions, and steering clear of interviews. The Tea Party tactic evidently is to keep their ideas secret. Rational citizens will not vote for these people if they know what they really think.

MORE POLITICS

Nikki Haley came out ahead in the Republican primary for governor of South Carolina. It will be hard for her to live up to the newsworthiness of Mark Sanford, current Republican governor of the state. You will recall that a year ago Sanford told everyone that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in fact he slipped off to rendezvous with his “soul mate” in South America. Nevertheless, two men have claimed that they had “inappropriate relationships” with the married Haley.

Perennial candidate Dr. Carl Perrin insists that he has not had any relationship, inappropriate or not, with Ms. Haley. He has never even seen her. He did spend a year and half in South Carolina, but that was during the Korean War, before Nikki Haley was born.

Meanwhile on the West Coast Carly Fiorina has maligned the hair of Barbara Boxer, who will be her opponent for the California senate seat in November. Criticizing another politician’s hair is considered a low blow, but characteristic of Ms. Fiorina, who was considered an “unpleasant person” before she was pushed out of her job at HP with a multimillion dollar golden parachute.

Carl Perrin is sensitive to jabs about hair since he has so little of it. If politicians are going to stoop to making fun of other’s physical attributes, we are worse off than anyone thought.

CAMPAIGN FINANCING

Although it has been over a year and a half since the presidential election, Family Values candidate Carl Perrin is still smarting over his bitter loss at the polls. He considered himself so perfect for the job that he wonders why any rational person would vote for anyone else. He has always found some comfort in the thought that many of the voters were obviously irrational.

The recent primary elections have shown another reason why less qualified people were voted into office while Perrin was left out in the cold. Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman spent $71 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination for governor of California. Another former CEO, Carly Fiorina, spent $25 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination to run against California Democrat Barbara Boxer. Billionaire Democrat-Republican-Independent Michael Bloomberg spent mega-millions to secure the job of New York City mayor three times. Jon Corzine spent a fortune to win a senate seat and then the governorship of New Jersey.

It’s no wonder that Perrin never won an election. How could he compete against that kind of money? For his entire year-and-a-half campaign Perrin spent just a few hundred dollars. Most of that was for coffee and jelly doughnuts to get himself going in the morning and cheap beer to relax after a day of campaigning.

Perrin is not actively seeking public office at this moment, but he is always looking for opportunities to get a soft job at taxpayers’ expense. You can help Dr. Carl Perrin win the next election—whatever it may be. Send your contribution to Elect Carl Perrin to Office now. You’ll be glad you did it.

DEBAHLEE AND CARL: TOO GOOD LOOKING?

Debrahlee Lorenzana claims she was fired from her job at Citibank because she was too good looking, too sexy. Because of the way she looked, male colleagues were paying attention to her appearance rather than concentrating on their job.

Perennial political candidate Dr. Carl Perrin says, “I feel her pain.” Although, as far as he knows, Perrin was never fired from any position because he was too sexy, but he is sure that his good looks have kept him back from promotions. If you’re good looking, he says, people wonder if you were hired for your looks rather than for your ability in the first place.

People who know Perrin argue about whether he is a real cool dude or just hot. When asked about the debate, Perrin responded, “Can you be both?”

SHOULD PERRIN RUN FOR CONGRESS?

Ever since his disastrous defeat in the 2008 presidential campaign, retired English professor Dr. Carl Perrin has shied away from politics. Now recent political developments make him wonder if it isn’t time to give the electorate another chance to vote him into office. He reasons that if he can get elected to Congress, he will add another qualification to his already impressive resume.

This seems to be the year for outsiders to get elected. Primary voters said no to Republican-turned-Democrat Arlen Specter’s bid for reelection. Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Christ dropped out of the primary race for the U. S. Senate because he had a strong challenge from the right. Christ is running for the seat as an Independent. Trey Grayson, protégé of Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, lost the primary race for Senate seat from Kentucky to political upstart Rand Paul.

Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal was (is?) running for the Democratic nomination for the Senate seat being vacated by Chris Dodd. It turns out, however, that he has been claiming service in Vietnam when in fact he was able to get five military deferments during the war and then went on to join the Marine reserve. He never went to Vietnam.

On the Republican side, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder is resigning from office after knowledge of his fling was a staffer became public. Souder was big on preaching abstinence, but only for other people, it seems. He stated, "I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff." If people like Blumenthal and Souder aren’t careful, they’re going to give politicians a bad name.

Carl Perrin is grateful to people like Blumenthal and Souder because compared to them, he seems like a saint.

SARAH’S NEW BOOK

Sarah Palin has become a multimillionaire just from the sales of her first book, “Going Rogue.” She makes up to $100,000 a pop for making a speech. She quit her dead-end day job as Governor of Alaska just in time to bring the big bucks rolling in.

Not satisfied with that (and why should she be?) Sarah is bringing out another book in the fall. “America by Heart: Reflections on Family, Faith and Flag” is scheduled to be released in November, just in time to buy it for Christmas. No doubt Harper Collins is giving her a seven-figure advance for her effort. The new book is going to include “selections from classic and contemporary readings that have moved her.” In other words, a lot of the book is just going to be copied from other sources. Furthermore, someone is going to help her put the thing together. She is really getting a sweet deal: Millions of bucks with minimal effort.

In the meantime, Dr. Carl Perrin, who was a little-known candidate in the 2008 presidential race, wrote a book about his own unsuccessful campaign. “My Run for the White House” is taken from entries in this blog. It follows the struggle from the beginning to the bitter end. Photos of Perrin with various women kept popping up, causing people to wonder if he was too much of a good-time guy to be president. One picture shows him with “Natasha,” a woman smoking a cigar and wearing a mustache. Questions arose: Was Natasha a man or a woman? And more serious: Was he/she a Russian spy? Perrin insisted that he never noticed the mustache. Anyway, he claimed that “Natasha” was only a friend. There seemed to be a lot of women who were “only friends.”

Perrin also had problems with haircuts. When John Edwards was paying $400 for a haircut, Perrin was paying only $8. When he posted this on his along with an appeal for funds for a more expensive haircut, people responded by asking where he got his hair cut for only $8.

Fund raising was always a problem for former English professor. His biggest source of funds was from returnable cans and bottles in Maine. Other candidates took money from wherever they could get it, but Dr. Perrin noted that if he were elected, he would owe loyalty only to the people of the United States and not to any special interests. When Hillary Clinton had to return over $800,000 to dubious donors, Perrin announced that he hadn’t had to return any campaign funds.

Various candidates promised everything on a silver platter. Perrin promised only one thing: that he would keep the price of beer affordable. A vote for Perrin, he would say, is a vote for cheap beer.

If the book ever gets published, it is sure to become an instant classic. Publishers to whom Perrin sent queries evidently just laughed and threw the query in the trash. Now that Sarah Palin is bringing in even more money for the books that other people are writing for her, Perrin is beginning to feel desperate. He is going to self published the book and sell it for $10. As soon as he gets 100 orders, he will send the manuscript to the press. If you don’t want to wait that long for your copy of “My Run for the White House,” just send $5 to Perrin’s Paypal account, and he will send you an electronic copy.

SMUT IN PUBLIC PLACES

WARNING: Do not let children look at this page.

The state seal of Virginia depicts the Roman goddess Virtus standing over the fallen body of Tyranny. The problem is the seal shows the goddess wearing a toga over her shoulder, and her left boob is exposed.

The state’s attorney general Ken Ciccinelli decided to do something about the flagrant pornography of the seal. He presented his staff with lapel pins that changed the picture of the breast-exposing Virtus to a more modest image with the goddess wearing armor that covers both breasts.

We’re happy that Cuccinelli did something about this display of a half-naked Virtus. Think how difficult it must be for state workers in Virginia to be exposed to that bare breast! How can they concentrate on whatever state workers concentrate on? We need more people like Virginia’s attorney general to clean up smut in public places.

We apologize for putting the picture of a half-naked goddess on our page. However, we want our readers to see how bad this must be for state workers in Virginia.

MIRROR IMAGES

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin likes to think that he and former VP candidate Sarah Palin are opposites in every way. However, even though Perrin would like to deny this, he and Sarah have a lot in common.

The former Alaskan governor talks about stuff like “Obama death panels.” She gets paid big bucks to make a speech to the tea party convention. She’s against everything the Democrats are for. Nevertheless, one of the reasons she attracts so much attention is—let’s face it—she’s hot!

Perrin knows how she feels. Although he is a lot older than Palin, a lot of people think that Perrin himself is pretty hot. “It’s pretty discouraging,” the former English professor says, “when you want to be taken seriously, and women are thinking: Wow! What a hunk!”

Palin campaigns against death panels. Perrin campaigns for cheap beer. People buy Newsweek magazine because it has a picture of Sarah Palin in shorts. People look at Perrin’s blog to see a picture of him in shorts.

Perrin protests that he wants to be taken seriously, but he is realistic. “If people want to vote for me because they think I’m sexy, that’s okay,” he says. “After all, a vote is a vote, no matter what the motivation is.”

MIRROR IMAGES

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin likes to think that he and former VP candidate Sarah Palin are opposites in every way. However, even though Perrin would like to deny this, he and Sarah have a lot in common.

The former Alaskan governor talks about stuff like “Obama death panels.” She gets paid big bucks to make a speech to the tea party convention. She’s against everything the Democrats are for. Nevertheless, one of the reasons she attracts so much attention is—let’s face it—she’s hot!

Perrin knows how she feels. Although he is a lot older than Palin, a lot of people think that Perrin himself is pretty hot. “It’s pretty discouraging,” the former English professor says, “when you want to be taken seriously, and women are thinking: Wow! What a hunk!”

Palin campaigns against death panels. Perrin campaigns for cheap beer. People buy Newsweek magazine because it has a picture of Sarah Palin in shorts. People look at Perrin’s blog to see a picture of him in shorts.

Perrin protests that he wants to be taken seriously, but he is realistic. “If people want to vote for me because they think I’m sexy, that’s okay,” he says. “After all, a vote is a vote, no matter what the motivation is.”

CARL PERRIN MAGAZINE

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin doesn’t agree with Sarah Palin on many things, but he has to admit he admires her. She got out of that dead-end job of Governor of Alaska when he realized she could make some real money in the media business.

Right away she had someone dash off a book for her to sign. She got a hefty advance for the book Going Rogue, which became an immediate bester seller. Then Fox News started paying her to get on their shows and tell people what real Americans believe. Now she goes to a tea party and gets paid for giving a speech that someone else will probably write for her.

Her latest enterprise is a single-issue magazine, Sarah Palin: the untold story in her own words. The magazine will retail for $8.99 and will be on sale through the end of April. It will contain lots of pictures of the former VP candidate. The magazine cover asks: Can she save America?

Carl Perrin admits that Sarah inspires a lot of envy in him. Her book is a best seller; he can’t even get a publisher for his book My Run for the White House. She gets $100,000 for giving a speech to the tea party. Perrin can’t even get an invitation to give a free speech to the beer party.

Now Perrin is ready to follow Sarah’s lead. He is going to come out with his own single issue magazine, Carl Perrin: the untold story. The cover will feature a flattering picture of Perrin and ask the question: Can he save cheap beer?

It’s going to sell, not for $8.99 but for $7.99. You can order your copy right here. We will start printing as soon as we have 200 paid orders. The first 100 orders will also get an autographed picture of Dr. Carl Perrin.

NUDE MODEL ELECTED SENATOR

Republican Scott Brown has been elected senator from Massachusetts, filling the seat held for many years by Democrat Ted Kennedy. Brown is a member of the Massachusetts legislature, a lawyer, and a Lt. Colonel in the National Guard. His career also includes a stint as a nude model. When he was a 22-year-old law student at Boston College he posed nude for a centerfold for Cosmo, and he won the magazine’s “America’s Sexiest Man” contest.

We’re not going to suggest that anyone voted for him because of the naked picture, but it certainly didn’t seem to cause anyone to vote against him. He gathered a lot more votes than his Democratic opponent, Attorney General Martha Coakley, who did not pose in the nude.

Former candidate for the presidency, Dr. Carl Perrin, finds this election quite instructive. In his run for office, hardly anyone voted for him. Would the outcome have been different, he wonders, if he had posed in the nude?

PAT ROBERTSON IS ENVIOUS

It is clear that the Reverend Pat Robertson is afraid that some right-wing nuts are going to get ahead of him in making outrageous statements. Of course, there are some pretty good contenders for the most outrageous quote. We have Sarah Palin with almost everything she says, particularly her fear that her parents or her baby with Down Syndrome would have to stand in front of “Obama’s death panel.” Then there is Glenn Beck with his description of President Obama as a “racist” who has “hatred for white people.” We can not leave out Rush Limbaugh who said that he wanted everything that President Obama is doing “to fail.”

Robertson tried to get back in the lead of the outrageous gang by claiming that the devastation of the earthquake in Haiti was caused by the country’s “pact with the devil.” After 9/11 the Reverend Jerry Falwell (May he rest in peace) was on Robertson's television show. Falwell charged (and Robertson agreed with him) that that attack came about because God was angry. He was angry because of "the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way—all of them who have tried to secularize America”

What kind of sick mind blames the victim of all that death and destruction? What kind of twisted thinking looks at all that suffering and devastation and blames it on the stricken people? Don’t people like Robertson and Falwell (may he rest in peace) have any sympathy in their hearts? Don’t they have any compassion in their minds? Don’t they have any Christian charity in their soul?

CELEBRITY SPONSORS

If you’re a celebrity, you make millions of bucks for playing sports or being in movies, etc. Then, just so you won’t run out of spending money, big companies pay you even more to be spokespersons for their products.

The problem is, a lot of celebrities are super jerks. They really screw up, and it doesn’t look good for the product being sponsored. Tiger Woods had these little flings with dozens of women, and this upset his wife so much that she took after him with a golf club. Before you know it, companies that were paying him millions of dollars for sponsoring their products are saying they don’t want him any more.

Then Charlie Sheen celebrated Christmas by attacking his wife. She called the cops to protect her from good old Charlie. Wouldn’t you know, Hanesbrands had been using Sheen in an advertising campaign. The underwear company decided it wouldn’t be good for them to be sponsoring someone who tried to beat up his wife on Christmas Day, so they dropped him.

Leisure Village celebrity feels bad for those companies. He volunteered to pick up some of the slack in the companies that had sponsored Tiger Woods. Hard as it is to believe, none of those companies responded to Perrin’s generous offer.

Now Perrin has a proposal that Hanesbrands will not be able to overlook. They can use 79-year-old stud muffin Carl Perrin as their representative. Perrin is willing to pose wearing Hanes underwear. When women see him in his Hanes, they will rush out to buy Hanes for their husbands.