PERSON OF THE YEAR

By now former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is used to being snubbed by Time magazine. Once again the magazine overlooked him when they named Ben Bernanke Person of the Year. Perrin wasn’t even among the also-rans, which included General McChrystal, “The Chinese Worker,” Nancy Pelosi, and some runner guy from Jamaica.

The online version of Time listed a bunch of “People Who Mattered” in 2009. The list included Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and Joe (You Lie) Wilson. Evidently it doesn’t matter whether you tell the truth or not as long as what you say is outrageous enough. Olympia Snowe was on the list. We have to admit, she is one of the few semi-sane Republican members of Congress.

Jon and Kate Gosselin made the list. What did they do? Have a bunch of kids and then get divorced. Hey, Perrin says, Been there, did that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart of “Twilight” were chosen. Perrin was writing vampire stories before they were even born. That clean-cut American athlete, Tiger Woods was on the list.

Dr Carl Perrin was a candidate for the presidency in 2007 and 2008. Has that been forgotten already? Time magazine can go to hell. Perrin has his own little media empire. He publishes the monthly journal, Leisure Times. He maintains the web site, The Leisure Village Voice, and he has his blog, Grammaticus. Through this media empire, he reaches a lot of people. Perhaps Time magazine won’t find it so easy to ignore him next year when they pick the Person of the Year.

LOOKING FOR A SPOKESMAN?

What do AT&T, Gillette, Tag Heuer, Gatorade, Nike, and Accenture have in common? They are all—or until recently--were sponsors of Tiger Woods. In fact Woods makes—or until recently--made over $100 million a year as a spokesman for various products. Since word of Woods’ extra-marital activities have come out, many of these companies are cutting back on commercials with him or entirely ending their relationship with him. As Accenture said, he is "no longer the right representative" of the company's values.

As these companies drop the famous golfer, they must be in need of a public figure to represent them, someone who is highly respected and good looking. Who could fit that description better than former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? When people know that Perrin uses these products, they will know that they must be good. There may be an ethical problem in sponsoring Gillette shavers. Perrin uses an electric razor. (If the makers of that razor want Perrin to mention it in his blog, they can contact him.)

You can see pictures of two of the products at the top of this page. This plug is free, but if Gillette and Tag Heuer want him to continue publicizing their products, they know how to get in touch with him.

P. S. Perrin is notoriously cheap. You wouldn’t have to pay him $100 million to endorse a bunch of stuff.

ANOTHER COVER-UP

ANOTHER COVER-UP

People in Leisure Village are still talking about events that occurred on a recent Saturday night when former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin crashed his three wheeler into a fire hydrant and a tree. Perrin refused to talk to police, insisting that he had broken no laws. He also refused medical assistance, saying the only thing he hurt was his dignity when he fell off the three wheeler.

His wife, the beautiful red-haired Janet, appeared with a golf club, which she used to move a tree branch from where it had landed on Perrin’s leg. No one is sure where the golf club came from, since neither Carl nor Janet plays golf.

Unfortunately, Perrin’s reticence has created speculation about why he was riding around Leisure Village on his three wheeler at 8:00 in the evening. Some have speculated that he was headed for the convenience store just outside the village where he planned to get a chocolate bar—even though he is supposed to cut down on sweets.

Since the event Dr. Perrin has not come out of his condo. He still refuses to talk to the police or the press. He has even withdrawn from the spring production of the village’s Bare Bone Theatre, in which he starred in last year in the title role of “The Burglar Returns.”

Perrin’s publicist, Aristotle Mongoose, asks that the public and the press respect Dr. Perrin’s privacy.

UNINVITED GUESTS

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin understands how Tareq and Michaele Salahi feel. They are the couple who tried to wrangle an invitation to a formal White House dinner. When they didn’t get the invitation, they went anyway. Michaele bullshitted the Secret Service people by looking through her purse and saying she must have left the invitation in the car.

Perrin understands how they feel because he didn’t get any invitation to the dinner either. In fact he has never received an invitation to anything at the White House. This is despite the fact that he dropped out of the presidential race and urged his followers to vote for Barack Obama. He hoped that a grateful Obama would appoint him to some cushy post in his administration. But, no. No cushy post and no invitation to dinner. Not even an invitation to have a beer with the president.

If he had thought of it, Perrin might have tried to bullshit the Secret Service to get into the dinner. After all, he is no mean bullshitter himself. It’s too late now, of course. The Secret Service won’t fall for that trick again.

Dr. Perrin insists he is not bitter about being snubbed by the White House, but he points out there will be another election in three years. If he isn’t happy with the way things are going, he might run again. He will have learned from mistakes in the last campaign. That will make him a really formidable candidate.