LIBERALS KILLED CHRIST?

Last December Herman Cain wrote an article in which he claimed that Jesus was killed by a “liberal court.” According to the pizza man, Jesus was not read his Miranda Rights when he was arrested, and a liberal court found him guilty of false offenses because he had changed the hearts and minds of men. It’s not clear to me why Cain finds this a “liberal court,” but it an example of the man’s thinking.

Mr. Cain had this to say about the Wall Street protesters, "Don't blame Wall Street. Don't blame the big banks. If you don't have a job and you're not rich, blame yourself." One of his fellow Republican candidates (Ron Paul) criticized Cain for blaming the victims.

Cain’s signature proposal, the 9-9-9, would pile a huge burden of taxes on the poor and the middle class.

And yet, he received 37 percent of the Republican straw vote in Florida, 55 percent of the straw vote in South Carolina. And 77 percent of the TeaCon straw vote in Schaumburg.

Amazing!

NUDE POLITICIANS

When Senator Scott Brown was a student at Boston College Law School, he posed in the nude for Cosmo magazine. The money he got for posing helped pay his tuition at law school. Elizabeth Warren, the woman who will probably be his opponent in next years’ senatorial race, was asked how she financed her education. She said, “I kept my clothes on.” Brown’s response was, “Thank God.”

The infighting between these two candidates brought out an incident in one-time presidential candidate Carl Perrin’s campaign. Campaign funds had shrunk so low that there was not enough money even to buy a case of cheap beer. Thinking of Scott Brown’s fund raiser for college tuition, Perrin thought about posing in the nude to raise campaign funds. His family was dead set against it.

“If I could someone to pay me to take off my clothes,” the candidate insisted, “we could enough money to get the campaign in gear.

“You’re 80 years old,” his wife said. “Believe me, no one wants to see you naked.”

“I may be 80, but I’m in pretty good shape for a geezer,” he replied. “Besides, it would be good publicity.”

“That’s not the kind of publicity a presidential candidate needs.”

“It’s not just the publicity; it’s the money,” the former English professor maintained.”

“If you need money,” his great granddaughter offered, “I’ll let you have my lunch money.”

To give Perrin credit, at least he didn’t take the kid’s lunch money. And the public was spared the sight of a nude octogenarian.

14 PERCENT APPROVAL RATE FOR CONGRESS

According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News poll, only 14 percent of the American public approves the job that Congress is doing. What in the hell is wrong with these people? Where has this 14 percent been the last few years? Camping out on Mars? Hiding under a rock? Doing a Rip Van Winkle?

Just what accomplishment of Congress do these people approve of? The fact that they have done nothing? Their blockage of every attempt to solve problems? Their failure to come up with any solutions of their own? Their habit of saying “no” to everything? The fact that they almost succeeded in shutting down the government twice in the last six months? Have I left anything out?

Politics has always been a dirty word, but the current Congress has taken Congressional malfeasance to a new low level. What would our elected representatives have to do to win the disapproval of the 14 percent? How could they be any worse than they already are?

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON IN NJ?

Presidential candidates in the Garden State are dropping like flies. First Independent candidate Dr. Carl Perrin declares that he will not be running in the 2012 election. Next Governor Chris Christie says, neither is he. Probably the governor figured that if Perrin didn’t have a chance of winning, he didn’t either.

A lot of people assumed that Perrin dropped out of the race because of lack of campaign funds. Since Perrin’s announcement, donations have been pouring in to campaign headquarters. As of yesterday, the treasury had almost $10.00. “Just a few more dollars,” the erstwhile candidate announced, "and we will have enough to buy a case of cheap beer."

Perrin supporters have been urging him to reconsider. “We really need someone who appreciates cheap beer,” one campaign donor said. “We need someone who can stand up to those wine snobs,” another contributor added.

“I’ll think about it,” Perrin said, “after we collect enough dough to buy a case of cheap beer.”

SHOCKING NEWS

Political insiders were flabbergasted to learn that one-time presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin will not be running in the 2012 election. As the former English professor explained to all thirteen of his supporters, “Things are such a mess in Washington that it would take a miracle worker to get the government going again.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed a middle-aged woman wearing a Perrin for President sweatshirt, “That’s why we want you to run. We need a miracle worker like you to knock some heads together and kick some butt. We need someone who can make Congress listen to common sense.”

Perrin thanked the crowd for its confidence in him, but he said he would not be campaigning in the next election. “What about running in 2016?” someone asked. “That’s a definite possibility,” the octogenarian Perrin replied.

In one last question from the floor a Perrin backer asked, “What would you do if there was an overwhelming demand, a Draft Perrin for President movement?”

“In a case like that, we would just have to wait and see,” Perrin answered before going to join a couple of friends to drink cheap beer.

PAUL RYAN'S TOWN HALL MEETINGS

Last spring Congressman Paul Ryan was booed when he met constituents at town hall meetings. Voters were unhappy with the Republican budget which Ryan engineered. The plan would extend tax breaks for the wealthy and phase out Medicare.

This summer the congressman is trying to avoid that kind of confrontation by charging admission to his town hall meetings. People who want to talk to him will have to shell out $15. That will keep out some of the riff raff and troublemakers. At the same time it will raise a little cash. How come the Republicans have all the good ideas?

Possible Democratic candidate Carl Perrin, while no admirer of Representative Ryan, likes his idea of charging for town meetings. Although Perrin has not yet committed himself to entering the presidential race, he did want to hear what the people were saying. He rented a hall and invited his supporters to come and ask softball questions. Instead of charging $15, he asked for only $5, assuming that most people were cheapskates, like him.

It didn’t work out. Only a handful of people arrived, some of them came because they thought he would be handing out cheap beer. Those people left when they learned it was going to cost $5. In all, the on-again, off-again candidate collected only $25, all of it from family members. He still has to pay for the hall he rented. If you would like to help, you can contribute to Perrin’s Paypal account.

FREEDOM OF CHOICE

Now that Michelle Bachman has come out ahead in the Iowa straw vote, people are going to have to start taking her seriously. In the debate before the poll, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty suggested that Bachman’s accomplishments in congress have been pretty meager.

The charge is so unfair! Last spring Ms. Bachman introduced a freedom of choice act. Not freedom of choice for women, but freedom of choice for light bulb buyers. The intent of her bill was to halt the phase-out of incandescent light bulbs in favor of the compact fluorescent light bulb. Fluorescent bulbs use a lot less electricity than incandescent bulbs. The intent of the phase-out was to reduce emissions created by power plants. As for that, Bachman said, any connection between human beings and global warming was, “voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax." No doubt when the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, the room was illuminated by incandescent bulbs.

So let’s not hear any more about Michelle Bachman being an intellectual lightweight, a flake. She looks forward to a day when "Everyone will have a gun, nobody will have an abortion, no one will pay taxes, everyone will go to church, and there won't be any more pinko liberal teachers in school."