IS PERRIN TOO SANE?

Republican presidential hopefuls are falling all over themselves in trying to court conservative Christians in Iowa. Ted Cruz said, there is, “no room for Christians in today's Democratic party,” and added, “There is a liberal fascism that is dedicated to going after believing Christians who follow the biblical teaching on marriage."

Mike Huckabee told a group of conservative preachers that, "We are moving rapidly toward the criminalization of Christianity.”

Noting that bills that both Indiana and Arkansas backed off of “protecting religious liberty” when several large corporations protested that the laws would in fact allow discrimination against gays and lesbians , Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal said, "We've got legislation in Louisiana to protect people of faith and of conscience. Corporate America is not going to bully the governor of Louisiana."

Of course the First Prize for nutcase goes to former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann, who assured us that the Rapture was coming because of Obama’s deal with Iran and marriage equality.

All of these nutcases made us wonder about Carl Perrin. We presented the question to Perrin’s former campaign manager, Aristotle Mongoose: “Is Perrin too sane to be a candidate for the presidency?

Mongoose closed the news conference. “Let me get back to you on that,” he said.

BLAME IT ON OBAMA

The rapture is coming, thanks to Barack Obama. Don’t take my word for it. This comes from Michele Bachmann. The former congresswoman and presidential candidate said we can see the destruction coming, and it’s caused by Obama’s policies on Iran’s nuclear program. Not only that, but on marriage equality. Wow! I didn’t realize that until I read Ms Bachmann’s words. What a revelation!

It gets worse: Obama’s number one goal is to ensure that Iran has a nuclear weapon, Bachmann tells us. Of course! It all becomes clear. I’m surprised that I didn’t see it before. All this stuff about Obama Care and getting Congress to approve his attorney general nominee or even trying to get Congress to do its job has just been a cover up. All the while he must have been working behind the scenes to help Iran get the bomb.

We heard from a “reliable source” that some of the extremists who are vying for the Republican nomination for president have been urging Bachmann to make her views on these issues known. The reason, we are told, is that by comparison it will make them sound almost sane. This is what we heard, but of course don’t believe it.

Not only is Obama's number one goal to ensure that Iran gets a nuclear weapon, but he is an unmitigated socialist. We know that because Ted Cruz said it.

DON'T LET HILLARY TAKE IT WITHOUT A FIGHT

Huge numbers of supporters reacted with shock when Carl Perrin withdrew from the presidential race. “Four or five people have urged me to back in the race,” Perrin told our reporter.

“It’s at least six,” his wife Janet corrected him. “Don’t forget your cousin Tom.”

Since Perrin announced his withdrawal, two Tea Party favorites, Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, have announced their candidacy. Marc Rubio is set to throw his hat in the ring, and Hillary is getting ready to make it official. For a long time she has been the only Democrat with enough power to challenge the Republicans. And now she is dropping in the polls when matched against possible Republican candidates. Perrin supporters have been urging him to enter the contest so that Democrats will have a choice. “Don’t let Hillary take it without a fight,” they keep saying.  

To the great joy of those who want to see a sane and reasonable person in the White House, Dr. Carl Perrin has formed an exploratory committee to consider whether he has a chance to win against all those professional politicians. You can support his candidacy by contributing to his PayPal account.

After Indiana Republicans passed a license to discriminate law, a restaurant called Memories Pizza in the Hoosier town of Walkerton stepped up last week to make sure potential customers knew its religious rules: “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Certification of Heterosexuality, No Service.”

It seems pretty clear cut. Former presidential candidate Carl Perrin spent some time in Indiana. He was stationed there in the army and he went to graduate school at Indiana University. He has no plans to return to the Hoosier State, but he wonders, would he get served now if he ordered a slice at Memory Pizza? The shoes and shirt would be no problem, but where do you get a certificate of heterosexuality? He has been married three times, each time to a woman. Would that be enough, or would he have to get official certificate some place? Would the Memory Pizza people take his word for it that he is 100 percent heterosexual, or would he have to offer some proof, like making a pass at a female employee? If people are going to make rules about things like certificates of heterosexuality, they should make it clear how one get such a certificate.

Please do not take this as a criticism of the right of people to defend their religious beliefs. If I remember correctly, one of the Ten Commandments is “Thou shalt not sell pizza to homosexuals.”