PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

At last count there were 37 Republican candidates for the 2012 presidential election. That doesn’t include people no one ever heard of or who have no chance in hell of even being nominated.

Former Speaker New Gingrich has too many negatives. A born-again Catholic, he cheated on his second wife and tried to say he did it for his country. He also keeps shooting himself in the foot. Not a chance.

Ron Paul creates a lot of excitement among a small of group of people, not enough to get him the nomination.

Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty has good conservative credentials. Compared to some of the Republican firebrands, T-Paw seems fairly sane. The problem is, compared to them, many people find him boring.

Mitt Romney has been the front runner since the last election. His problem is that he wobbles back and forth on every issue. To his credit he was governor of Massachusetts when that state enacted medical insurance program much like the new federal program. Unfortunately he keeps trying to deny it. After all these years on the campaign trail no one knows where he stands. On anything.

One-term senator from Pennsylvania, Rick Santorum lost his reelection bid by 18 points. A loser.

Congresswoman Michele Bachman is a lawyer but she doesn’t seem to know details of American history that we would expect any seventh grader to know. It’s hard to take her presidential campaign seriously.

Former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman served as U S Ambassador to China until this January. A conservative who is respected by liberals, he seems too sane to win the Republican nomination.

Is Sarah Palin running or not? She won’t speak to the “lamestream media” because they twist everything she says. Although she still excites a lot of conservatives, she is losing support among mainstream Republicans. Democrats hope she will run because she seems so shallow that it will be easy to defeat her.

Haley Barbour is a good ole boy and former governor of Mississippi. He wisely decided that he had no chance of winning and withdrew his candidacy.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said not just “no” but “hell no.” Politicians do change their mind, but we don’t expect him to run in this election.

Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels thought about it and said “no.” It seems pretty clear that he means it.

Mike Huckabee, who thought that Barack Obama grew up in Kenya, gave some thought to running for the presidency again. When he realized how much money he would have to give up from his books, speeches, etc, he said “no.” Wise move, Mike.

It’s hard to believe any sane person would believe Donald Trump’s candidacy. Oh, yes, that’s right; we’re not talking about sane people; we talking about politics. Even his hair should disqualify Trump. How much time does he spend every day making sure his hair is just right? He would never have time to preside even if he were elected.

Where does all this leave retired English professor and former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? He is not saying. If he runs at all, will it be as a Democrat, a Republican, or an Independent? No one knows. The only thing anyone knows is that knows for sure is that the basis for Perrin’s campaign is that he will be in favor of cheap beer.

LOOK AT THE GOOD SIDE

I know I told everyone, at least everyone who would listen, that the world would end on May 22. I know a lot of people are pissed off at me. Well, what can I say? I’m sorry. Okay? I didn’t tell anyone what to do with their worldly goods in order to get ready for the rapture. I just said that 200,000 Christians would be taken to heaven on that date. And all the heathens would be left behind.

A lot of people gave everything away, told their bosses to take their job and shove it, and stuff like that. They really burned their bridges behind them. All is not lost, brothers and sisters. I was off on the date when everything is going to happen. No, really. My math was a little off. It’s really going to happen on October 21. I’m sure of it this time.

Maybe you don’t have any money because you gave it all away. You don’t have a place to live since you gave that up too. You don’t have a job because you told your boss to shove it. Just look at the good side. At least you won’t be out in the cold. You’ll be waiting through the summer months. You can probably get food stamps or something, so you’ll be okay until October.

Harold Camping

PERRIN RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

Of the Computer Club, that is. In June the Leisure Village Computer Club will elect officers for the next year. At this month’s meeting, club president Dr. Carl Perrin announced that he and the other officers are running for reelection.

After the announcement he cleared up a question that must have been in the minds of many club members: What if he runs for the presidency of the United States and is elected to both offices? Will he just forget about the Computer Club and take care of all that Washington political stuff?

Perrin assured members that it would be no problem. Though he has not yet committed to running for the White House again, it is still an option. Although his is not the first name that comes to mind for most people when they consider presidential candidates, he surely has as much chance as some of the bozos who are throwing their hats into the ring.

If by chance, Perrin is elected president of the Computer Club and the United States, he assured club members that he would be able to handle both jobs. “After all,” he asked, “How many days did George Bush spend at his Texas ranch while he was president?” The president has to get some time off just like anyone else. Perrin figured he could come to New Jersey over the weekend and fly back after the club meeting on Monday. If something came up in Washington over the weekend, he would have no problem taking care of it from the Garden State. After all, that’s what the Internet is for.