DINNER WITH SARAH

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner date with herself and her husband Todd. The bids on eBay start at $25,000, but the winner does not necessarily get dinner with Sarah and Todd. “Governor Palin reserves the right to refuse dinner with a winning bidder if, in her sole discretion, the winning bidder is not a suitable bidder based on her subjective standards of suitability, professionalism, background and other factors.” In other words, if she doesn’t like your politics, you don’t get the date, even though you have paid at least $25,000. If you are rejected, your money will be refunded, and the next highest bidder will get the invitation. And the background check.

Retired English professor and presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinks this is one of the best ideas Sarah has had yet. He’s going to try the same thing. The opening bid for dinner with Perrin will be just $100. You can’t go wrong. Dinner will be at any pizza joint in Ocean County, NJ, as long as it serves beer.

The money raised from dinner with Sarah is going to a charity, Ride 2 Recovery. Any money raised from the dinner with Perrin auction, on the other hand, will go toward buying cheap beer for Perrin.

Sarah is screening bidders so she won’t have to eat with a liberal. Perrin is placing no such restriction on his auction. If the high bidder starts yakking away like a right wing nutcase, Perrin will just shut off his hearing aid.

PRESIDENT TO TALK TO STUDENTS

OMG, on September 8 the President is going to talk to American students about the importance of education and the importance of staying in school! Help! Help! The sky is falling!

Even though George H. W. Bush and Ronald Reagan gave speeches that were broadcast over public television to a number of school districts, some Republicans believe that Barack Obama’s speech is an obvious attempt to brainwash America’s school children. According to this view, if President Obama speaks to school children, it must be some kind of liberal plot. A spokeswoman for the Florida Republican Party says the President should not be telling children what to do. Evidently that means he shouldn’t be telling them to stay in school. Why doesn’t Obama take a cue from George W. Bush, who was in school listening to children read on 9/11? After he was told about the attack on the twin towers, Bush stayed in the class for another half hour. Perhaps he just wanted to know how the story ended.

If the President is allowed to talk to America’s students, the networks ought to allow Sarah or Rush or some other right wing nut to respond. They can tell the Republican point of view: Education ain’t going to do you no good nohow.

We can understand why Republican think that way. If kids get too much education, they won’t fall for right wing bullshit anymore.

COW SHIT

Leave it to New Englanders not to throw away anything that might be put to good use. Central Vermont Public Service has found a way to create electricity from cow manure.

The cow poop is stored in underground tanks and kept at 101 degrees. The process creates methane, which is used as fuel for generating electricity. Methane is more harmful than carbon dioxide in contributing to global warming.

It is definitely a win-win situation. Instead of creating global warming, the methane helps generate electricity. The dairy farmers get paid for the electricity produced by their cows. This provides a steady income for the farmers, which helps offset the fluctuation in milk prices. Furthermore, since pathogens in the manure are killed by the process, the final byproduct can be used for bedding for the cows.

What is needed now is way spread this program nationwide. We need a commissioner of cow shit. Fortunately, we know just the man to serve in that office. Former English professor, Dr. Carl Perrin, grew up on a dairy farm in New Hampshire. If anyone knows cow shit, it is Dr. Perrin.

We know the president is busy with all kinds of stuff, but someone in the administration should bring to the president’s attention the environmental benefits of a cow shit commission and Dr. Perrin’s qualifications to head that commission.