VICE PRESIDENTIAL PICKS

Obama picked a veteran senator to be his running mate. Joe Biden balances Obama’s perceived weaknesses, his limited experience, particularly in the area of foreign affairs.

McCain has chosen Sarah Palin. (Who?) You know, the governor of Alaska. Oh yeah. She certainly has lots of qualifications. Solid conservative credentials, making up for the doubts that the right wing might have about McCain himself. She has lots of experience in government, though not as much as Obama. She has been governor for less than two years. Before that she was mayor of Wasilla, a city of 7,000 people. Before that she was active in the PTA. That should take care of the people who suggest that Obama lacks experience to be commander-in-chief. The fact that she is a woman just might appeal to the Democratic women who are still bitter about Hillary Clinton’s failure to get the nomination.

We haven’t heard from Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin for a while, but he has been working behind the scenes. The party didn’t have a regular convention or anything, but a group of supporters gathered with the candidate in the men’s room at the village clubhouse to toss a few ideas around.

One of the big issues of course was, who would be Perrin’s running mate? Insiders from the Perrin campaign would not even comment on whether or not a vice presidential candidate had been chosen. However, rumors have it that the wily former English professor will come out with a shocking choice, perhaps a transgendered person. Such a candidate should appeal to voters of both sexes as well as to gays, lesbians, and other transgenedered persons.

Perrin campaign manager Aristotle Mongoose told us, “You will just have to wait and see.”

CHENEY? WHO’S HE?

Republican strategists are at a loss about how to deal with Dick Cheney at the GOP convention. Even though the vice president appeals to a small group of extreme right wingers, rank and file Republicans as well as Independents blame him for much of what has gone wrong in the Bush administration.

To ignore Cheney entirely might turn off right wing nuts who approve of the man’s secretive, extralegal, behind-the-scenes maneuvers. To acknowledge him, on the other hand, will remind everyday Republicans of who is to blame for the problems and challenges facing their party. If Cheney speaks at the convention, Independents will question John McCain’s independence.

Our inside sources tell us that party decision-makers decided that GOP conservatives are not going to vote for Obama—no matter what, so it will better to slight the conservatives in order to keep the moderates and the Independents.

A couple of days before the convention the vice president will be whisked away to one of his secret, undisclosed locations for the duration. No convention speaker will be allowed to refer to Cheney or even admit that the man is Vice President of the United States. If anyone asks about Cheney, they will deny that the man even exists.