SANTORUM EXPLAINS IT ALL

Speaking to a Republican group in Iowa, presidential wannabe Rick Santorum explained why American students had such low scores in American history. It was all part of a leftist plot to keep students in the dark about U.S. history so they don’t learn American values.

That explains why such prominent figures as Representative Michele Bachmann, an attorney, thought that the American Revolution began in New Hampshire rather than in Massachusetts and that the Founding Fathers had eliminated slavery in their lifetime, evidently not realizing that slavery had something to do with the Civil War. It also explains why former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin thought that Paul Revere rode through Massachusetts to warn the British about something.

Clearly the teachers these women had in school were secular humanists or something who went out of their way to keep information about the country’s history from their students. No doubt they belonged to teachers’ union and were more interested in getting big salaries than they were in educating students.

PERRIN MAKES ANNOUNCEMENT

Last Thursday former presidential candidate Dr Carl Perrin called a press conference. Everyone assumed that he was going to announce his candidacy for the upcoming election. Alas, media representatives were disappointed. Perrin was not ready to declare whether or not he would be running again.

Instead he served up a policy statement. It all boiled down to his opinion that cheap beer is good for the country. According to him cheap beer will solve all the country’s problems.

Unemployment and business problems would all be solved if more people drank cheap beer. Rather than drinking that expensive imported beer, if Americans spent more money on cheap domestic beer, more people would be put to work brewing, distributing, and selling beer. Obviously that would be good for working people and for businesses. As more people were put to work getting beer out to the public, the overcall business climate would improve. That would be good for the federal deficit because as more people entered the work force, income tax collection would improve. Improvement in business would further contribute to revenue for the federal government. Finally, Perrin said, if more people drank cheap beer, everyone would be happier. The happy feeling would help lift the nation out of the doldrums and bring back that good old American can-do spirit.

Reporters naturally wanted to know whether Perrin had decided whether to run for election again. Refusing to respond to the question, he ended the press conference.

PERRIN SENDS PICTURE TO COLLEGE STUDENT

Shocking news hit media today as journalists learned that Dr. Carl Perrin had sent a picture of himself to college student. In the picture on-again/off-again presidential candidate Carl Perrin is munching on a chocolate bar.

Just because he is shown eating a piece of chocolate doesn’t mean that he is a chocoholic, Perrin insisted to reporters. “Lots of people eat chocolate every day, and no one makes anything of it,” the retired college professor added.

“Isn’t a college student a little young for you?” one of the reporters asked.

“She may be a college student,” Perrin replied, “but she is over 21. We both enjoy chocolate, so whatever we do is between consenting adults, and it’s nobody else’s beeswax.”

“Is this going to end your candidacy for the presidency?” a reporter for Leisure Times asked.

“I have not yet decided whether to run, but if I do, I will not let this stand in my way. I went through a tough campaign in 2008. I didn’t let anything stop me then, and I won’t let anything stop me now.”