CONNECTICUT SENATE RACE

Linda McMahon has the Republican nomination for senator just about sewed up in Connecticut. She has the ideal background for politics. For the past quarter century Ms McMahon along with her husband Vince has headed the World Wrestling Entertainment. The skills she picked up in this role will come in handy as she wrestles Democrats to the mat.

You have to admire her honesty. Back in the eighties, when some wrestling organizations were trying to pretend that the matches were athletic contests, Ms. McMahon said, no, they were scripted shows. They were entertainment. Because of that it was not necessary to have the kind of oversight required by boxing, which was a real sport. They did not need to have ringside doctors or pay licensing fees.

Wrestlers who wanted to be in the game had to sign exclusive contracts with the W.W.E. They were classified as independent contractors rather than employees. Therefore the McMahons did not have to pay Social Security, Medicare, or Unemployment insurance. Tactics like these allowed the couple to build the W.W.E. into a $1.2 billion empire.

Wrestlers who wanted to form a union found themselves unable to participate in professional wrestling. When investigators found widespread use of steroids among the wrestlers, Linda McMahon and her husband were able to squelch it.

Like many Republican candidates in the coming election, Linda McMahon is using some of the fortune she amassed to finance her campaign. The Democratic candidate is sure to be better than McMahon. But wait! He has some problems of his own.

The Democratic candidate is Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal. Blumenthal has said things like, "We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam." There’s nothing wrong with referring to one’s military service. The problem in Blumenthal’s case is that HE NEVER SERVED IN VIETNAM. Au contraire, he got several deferments to avoid military service. Then when his number seemed to be up, he joined the Marine Reserve and stayed in that during the war. He later said he “misspoke” about his military service.

What the hell is wrong with the guy? Is he lying (misspeaking)? Did he just forget that he didn’t actually serve in Vietnam? Is he too goddamn dumb to realize people will find out whether he was in the war?

So, people of Connecticut, I feel really sorry for you. The only worthwhile candidate in the senate race is None of the Above.

MODEL FOR AMERICAN TEENAGERS

Bristol Palin is a model for American teenagers. Two years ago the unmarried teen gave birth to a child. Now she is the teen ambassador for a foundation to prevent teen pregnancy. She is willing to speak to groups about her experiences, for a fee of $15,000. She even acted in a series “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” Her role was an unmarried teen mother named Bristol—talk about type casting! Now we understand that she and Levi Johnston are hooking up again.

Like her mother Ms Palin has been an inspiration to retired English professor Carl Perrin. He too would like to talk to people to give them the benefit of his experiences. Unfortunately, he was such a goody two-shoes as a teenager that he rarely got into trouble. However, he did go to the park beside his high school and smoked cigarettes during lunch break. He would be glad to talk to teenagers about the evils of tobacco. After 40 years he gave up the filthy weed. Now he is tobacco free. He isn’t even asking $15,000 to give his anti-tobacco talk. He’ll do it for $1,000.

Perrin also brings a lot of stage experience if someone wants to cast him in a play. He realizes that he can’t do a convincing performance as a teenager, but he could play someone who used to be a teen.

BE THANKFUL

Just be thankful that Carl Perrin was not elected president in 2008. The FBI recently arrested a coup of alleged Russian agents in New York. These spies had been in this country for many years. They were in deep cover, living lives of normal American suburbanites. Among those arrested was 28-year-old Anna Chapman, whom the press is calling a femme fatale.

What has this to do with presidential candidate Carl Perrin? In the late seventies and early eighties Perrin was involved with a person known only as “Natashia.” There was some speculation back then that Natashia was a Russian spy. This was never proven, but it was never disproved either. As you can see by the photograph above, of Natashia and Perrin in his reserve officer's uniform, she was something of a femme fatale also.

Perrin claims he hasn’t seen Natashia for decades, but you can bet if he had been elected president, Natashia would have climbed out of wherever she is hiding. Just think, a spy with a link to the White House! The Russians would have known about Perrin’s plan to keep cheap beer at an affordable price for American men and woman. What a mess that would have been!