MICROWAVE CONSPIRACY

We have just learned that before he left the White House, President Obama had a microwave installed. This was not just a device to warm up a cup of coffee or cook a frozen dinner. This baby could spy on anyone in the White House and send its observations back to people who might be conspiring against a future White House resident.

The microwave could be configured not only to hear any conversation its target might be part of, but it could also read the target’s mind. The FBI and the Department of Justice both deny the presence of this extraordinary microwave or any device that can eavesdrop on people in the building. However, for all we know, these agencies might be part of the conspiracy.

Our sources tell us that the conspirators now have plans to introduce a new toaster into the President’s residence. It would be able to gather information and send it out through WiFi signals. This is a serious issue. With this new spyware, the conspirators would be able to find out how many pieces of toast the President has each morning, but also how he likes his bread toasted.

ROBOTS

Retired professor Carl Perrin of Lakewood, NJ, has become the Garden’s State’s foremost expert on robots. Ask him anything about robots, and he will give you an answer. If he doesn’t know the answer, he will make up some plausible-sounding alternate fact.

Some people who know him are worried. What is he going to do with all that information about robot? One theory is that he is planning to use robots in the next election. Yes, even though he will be 90 on Election Day, some people fear that he will make one last effort to become President of the United States.

According to the theory, Perrin will enlist hordes of robots to campaign for him, sending emails and tweets to voters. They will also knock on doors to get out the vote for a really, really senior candidate.

Our advice is: Keep an eye on Perrin. You never know what he might be up to.