SURE-FIRE PLOT After selling dozens of copies of his popular self-published novel, Elmhurst Community Theatre http://www.carlperrin.com/

Carl Perrin decided to follow up that success with another book, a tale of sex and intrigue in the nation’s capitol. He worked out a plot outline so he could promote the book with literary agents before he began the actual writing.

In the book a retired general is the head of a federal agency, the FBI, the CIA or something. The married general has a fling with a married woman, who is twenty years younger than he. There is a second woman, also married, who seems to have her eye on the guy. Woman #1 sends her rival an anonymous email warning her to keep her hands off her general.

Woman #2 is friendly with an FBI agent, who once sent her a topless picture of himself, just as a joke. (Yeah, sure.) Anyway the agent checks #2’s computer and identifies #1 and the general. (Are you still with me?) But the agent also finds that #2 has been exchanging flirty emails with another general, who is also married. She likes to collect generals or something.

General #1 resigns his position. General #2 was in line for a promotion, but that is put on hold until the thing gets straightened out.

Perrin thought that with a plot like this, the book would be sure to become a best seller. He submitted his outline to dozens of literary agents. They all turned him down. Every one of them felt that the plot was too outlandish. “The plot has to be credible to catch the reader’s interest,” one of them wrote. “No one would believe that stuff like this could go on at the highest level of the U. S. government.”

THE ELECTION

The Republicans were so confident that they would win the election that the candidate bought $25,000 worth of fireworks to celebrate his victory. When the victory went to the other side, Republicans went into a panic mode. Karl Rove had a meltdown on television, insisting that Fox News had given up too soon. When it became absolutely clear that Barack Obama had been reelected, members of the GOP began pointing fingers at each—as well they should.

First of all, the Republicans fielded a bunch candidates who were hardly qualified to be dog catcher, to say nothing of President of the United States. Remember 999 and the buffoon who kept going back to the idiotic idea that Barack Obama had not been born in the United States? Or the woman who thought that global warming was a hoax and who thought that the president was anti-American and who contributed to the “death panel” lies? Or the holier-than-thou candidate who was not only against abortion but also against contraception? Mitt Romney, with all his limitations, was the best of a bad lot.

Then there were candidates for the senate, including the man who stated that legitimate rape (as opposed to illegitimate rape?) could not result in pregnancy and the candidate who thought that even in the case of rape, there should not be abortion because it was all part of God’s plan. (God planned the rape?)

There was the candidate himself, who refused to open his income tax for more than the two years required by law. Did he have something to hide? His plans for eliminating the nation’s deficit did not add up, and he refused to give any details about what income tax deduction he would eliminate. (Trust me, I’m a businessman.)

His finesse in international relations was remarkable. He went to England during the Olympics and insulted his hosts. He went to Israel and put down the President of the United States.

He insulted the people he wanted to vote for him. According to him 47 percent of the American people are mooching off the government. Hispanics, the largest growing segment of the population, should just self-deport themselves back to Mexico. What a way to win friends and influence people to vote for him!

The real surprise is not that the Republicans lost in that election. The real surprise is that anyone except fellow millionaires would vote for Romney. I wonder what you can do with $25,000 worth of fireworks. Maybe he can sell them on eBay.