CHRISTINE O'DONNELL FOR THE SENATE?

Christine O’Donnell is running for the Delaware senate seat once held by Joe Biden. She has reported earnings of only $5800 in the last year. She has no steady income. She even defaulted on her mortgage. A former aide charged that O’Donnell used campaign funds for rent and living expenses. For years she has been telling people that she graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University, but in fact she earned her degree only in the last month.

She founded an organization called the Savior’s Alliance for Lifting the Truth. The organization focused on sexual purity and claimed scientific evidence that God created the earth in six 24-hour periods. On the other hand, she once told Bill Maher that she had “dabbled in witchcraft” and once went on a date with a witch. The date ended with a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.

Clearly, Ms. O’Donnell is just the kind of person we need in the United States Senate—even though some prominent Republicans have doubts about her. Karl Rove said, “There’s just a lot of nutty things she’s been saying that just simply don’t add up. I’m for the Republican, but I’ve got to tell you, we were looking at eight to nine seats in the Senate. We’re now looking at seven to eight. In my opinion, this is not a race we’re going to be able to win.”

This woman won the primary with the help of the Tea Party. What we need is a coffee party to help us wake up. At the very least we need to go to Washington on October 30 for Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity.

CONNECTICUT SENATE RACE

Linda McMahon has the Republican nomination for senator just about sewed up in Connecticut. She has the ideal background for politics. For the past quarter century Ms McMahon along with her husband Vince has headed the World Wrestling Entertainment. The skills she picked up in this role will come in handy as she wrestles Democrats to the mat.

You have to admire her honesty. Back in the eighties, when some wrestling organizations were trying to pretend that the matches were athletic contests, Ms. McMahon said, no, they were scripted shows. They were entertainment. Because of that it was not necessary to have the kind of oversight required by boxing, which was a real sport. They did not need to have ringside doctors or pay licensing fees.

Wrestlers who wanted to be in the game had to sign exclusive contracts with the W.W.E. They were classified as independent contractors rather than employees. Therefore the McMahons did not have to pay Social Security, Medicare, or Unemployment insurance. Tactics like these allowed the couple to build the W.W.E. into a $1.2 billion empire.

Wrestlers who wanted to form a union found themselves unable to participate in professional wrestling. When investigators found widespread use of steroids among the wrestlers, Linda McMahon and her husband were able to squelch it.

Like many Republican candidates in the coming election, Linda McMahon is using some of the fortune she amassed to finance her campaign. The Democratic candidate is sure to be better than McMahon. But wait! He has some problems of his own.

The Democratic candidate is Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal. Blumenthal has said things like, "We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam." There’s nothing wrong with referring to one’s military service. The problem in Blumenthal’s case is that HE NEVER SERVED IN VIETNAM. Au contraire, he got several deferments to avoid military service. Then when his number seemed to be up, he joined the Marine Reserve and stayed in that during the war. He later said he “misspoke” about his military service.

What the hell is wrong with the guy? Is he lying (misspeaking)? Did he just forget that he didn’t actually serve in Vietnam? Is he too goddamn dumb to realize people will find out whether he was in the war?

So, people of Connecticut, I feel really sorry for you. The only worthwhile candidate in the senate race is None of the Above.

MODEL FOR AMERICAN TEENAGERS

Bristol Palin is a model for American teenagers. Two years ago the unmarried teen gave birth to a child. Now she is the teen ambassador for a foundation to prevent teen pregnancy. She is willing to speak to groups about her experiences, for a fee of $15,000. She even acted in a series “The Secret Life of the American Teenager.” Her role was an unmarried teen mother named Bristol—talk about type casting! Now we understand that she and Levi Johnston are hooking up again.

Like her mother Ms Palin has been an inspiration to retired English professor Carl Perrin. He too would like to talk to people to give them the benefit of his experiences. Unfortunately, he was such a goody two-shoes as a teenager that he rarely got into trouble. However, he did go to the park beside his high school and smoked cigarettes during lunch break. He would be glad to talk to teenagers about the evils of tobacco. After 40 years he gave up the filthy weed. Now he is tobacco free. He isn’t even asking $15,000 to give his anti-tobacco talk. He’ll do it for $1,000.

Perrin also brings a lot of stage experience if someone wants to cast him in a play. He realizes that he can’t do a convincing performance as a teenager, but he could play someone who used to be a teen.

BE THANKFUL

Just be thankful that Carl Perrin was not elected president in 2008. The FBI recently arrested a coup of alleged Russian agents in New York. These spies had been in this country for many years. They were in deep cover, living lives of normal American suburbanites. Among those arrested was 28-year-old Anna Chapman, whom the press is calling a femme fatale.

What has this to do with presidential candidate Carl Perrin? In the late seventies and early eighties Perrin was involved with a person known only as “Natashia.” There was some speculation back then that Natashia was a Russian spy. This was never proven, but it was never disproved either. As you can see by the photograph above, of Natashia and Perrin in his reserve officer's uniform, she was something of a femme fatale also.

Perrin claims he hasn’t seen Natashia for decades, but you can bet if he had been elected president, Natashia would have climbed out of wherever she is hiding. Just think, a spy with a link to the White House! The Russians would have known about Perrin’s plan to keep cheap beer at an affordable price for American men and woman. What a mess that would have been!

RAPE IS PART OF GOD'S PLAN

Sharron Angle is the Tea Party/Republican candidate for the Senate, running against Senate Majority Leader Harry H Reid. She has learned from the mistakes of other extreme candidates that the best publicity comes from avoiding the press, except of course right wing media like Fox News.

Sarah Palin revealed her insights into world events when she confused the state of Georgia with the Georgia, the former member of the USSR, when she couldn’t think of a single Supreme Court decision that she favored, when she referred to Africa as a country rather than a continent. John McCain’s staff soon kept the press away from her, hoping to teach her in a few weeks what she had failed to learn in the previous 40 years. Rand Paul, another Tea Party favorite, revealed that he wanted to go back to the good old days of segregated lunch counters. While there are probably some benighted people would like to do that, most voters find the thought repulsive.

Angle would like to eliminate the Environmental Protection Agency and “transition out” Social Security, whatever that means. She is against abortions, even in cases of rape or incest. Right wingnuts might eat up that kind of talk, but a lot of voters find it pretty scary. So instead of seeking the media to report her views, she has started to avoid them, answering “no comment” to their questions, and steering clear of interviews. The Tea Party tactic evidently is to keep their ideas secret. Rational citizens will not vote for these people if they know what they really think.

MORE POLITICS

Nikki Haley came out ahead in the Republican primary for governor of South Carolina. It will be hard for her to live up to the newsworthiness of Mark Sanford, current Republican governor of the state. You will recall that a year ago Sanford told everyone that he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, when in fact he slipped off to rendezvous with his “soul mate” in South America. Nevertheless, two men have claimed that they had “inappropriate relationships” with the married Haley.

Perennial candidate Dr. Carl Perrin insists that he has not had any relationship, inappropriate or not, with Ms. Haley. He has never even seen her. He did spend a year and half in South Carolina, but that was during the Korean War, before Nikki Haley was born.

Meanwhile on the West Coast Carly Fiorina has maligned the hair of Barbara Boxer, who will be her opponent for the California senate seat in November. Criticizing another politician’s hair is considered a low blow, but characteristic of Ms. Fiorina, who was considered an “unpleasant person” before she was pushed out of her job at HP with a multimillion dollar golden parachute.

Carl Perrin is sensitive to jabs about hair since he has so little of it. If politicians are going to stoop to making fun of other’s physical attributes, we are worse off than anyone thought.

CAMPAIGN FINANCING

Although it has been over a year and a half since the presidential election, Family Values candidate Carl Perrin is still smarting over his bitter loss at the polls. He considered himself so perfect for the job that he wonders why any rational person would vote for anyone else. He has always found some comfort in the thought that many of the voters were obviously irrational.

The recent primary elections have shown another reason why less qualified people were voted into office while Perrin was left out in the cold. Former eBay CEO Meg Whitman spent $71 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination for governor of California. Another former CEO, Carly Fiorina, spent $25 million of her own money to win the Republican nomination to run against California Democrat Barbara Boxer. Billionaire Democrat-Republican-Independent Michael Bloomberg spent mega-millions to secure the job of New York City mayor three times. Jon Corzine spent a fortune to win a senate seat and then the governorship of New Jersey.

It’s no wonder that Perrin never won an election. How could he compete against that kind of money? For his entire year-and-a-half campaign Perrin spent just a few hundred dollars. Most of that was for coffee and jelly doughnuts to get himself going in the morning and cheap beer to relax after a day of campaigning.

Perrin is not actively seeking public office at this moment, but he is always looking for opportunities to get a soft job at taxpayers’ expense. You can help Dr. Carl Perrin win the next election—whatever it may be. Send your contribution to Elect Carl Perrin to Office now. You’ll be glad you did it.