GLAD HE'S NOT RUNNING

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is glad he is not running for office in this election. Politicians are pulling out all stops in their effort to dredge up any dirt about their opponents.

Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle of Nevada criticized mainstream Republicans in these words. “"The Republicans have lost their standards, they've lost their principles ... really that's why the machine in the Republican Party is fighting against me.” Her opponent, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, is using her words against her.

In Connecticut Democratic candidate for the Senate Richard Blumenthal seems to have been mixed up about whether or not he served in Vietnam. (He didn’t.) His opponent Linda McMahon questions his veracity. “If he lied about Vietnam,” she asks, “what else is he lying about?”

It turns out that Republican candidate for governor of California, Meg Whitman, for nine years had a maid who was an illegal alien. This despite her strong stand about illegal aliens.

And then there is Christine O’Donnell, Republican candidate for Joe Biden’s old seat in the Senate. Every day new dirt about her appears. She used campaign money for personal expenses, she dabbled in witchcraft, she lied about having a college degree, etc., etc.

Carl Perrin’s heart goes out to these candidates. He knows what it is like to have mud flung at him from all directions. When he was running for the presidency, someone dug up the story about his failure to pay the fine on an overdue library book at the Portland Public Library back in the eighties. Even worse, some mud slinger dredged up the story about his having had contacts with “Natashia,” who may or may not have been a Russian agent.

If he were running in this election, Perrin knows, someone would be digging up a story about his addiction to chocolate or something. He has not decided whether to run for office in 2012, but all the digging and mud slinging gives him pause.

CONNECTICUT SENATE RACE

Linda McMahon has the Republican nomination for senator just about sewed up in Connecticut. She has the ideal background for politics. For the past quarter century Ms McMahon along with her husband Vince has headed the World Wrestling Entertainment. The skills she picked up in this role will come in handy as she wrestles Democrats to the mat.

You have to admire her honesty. Back in the eighties, when some wrestling organizations were trying to pretend that the matches were athletic contests, Ms. McMahon said, no, they were scripted shows. They were entertainment. Because of that it was not necessary to have the kind of oversight required by boxing, which was a real sport. They did not need to have ringside doctors or pay licensing fees.

Wrestlers who wanted to be in the game had to sign exclusive contracts with the W.W.E. They were classified as independent contractors rather than employees. Therefore the McMahons did not have to pay Social Security, Medicare, or Unemployment insurance. Tactics like these allowed the couple to build the W.W.E. into a $1.2 billion empire.

Wrestlers who wanted to form a union found themselves unable to participate in professional wrestling. When investigators found widespread use of steroids among the wrestlers, Linda McMahon and her husband were able to squelch it.

Like many Republican candidates in the coming election, Linda McMahon is using some of the fortune she amassed to finance her campaign. The Democratic candidate is sure to be better than McMahon. But wait! He has some problems of his own.

The Democratic candidate is Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal. Blumenthal has said things like, "We have learned something important since the days that I served in Vietnam." There’s nothing wrong with referring to one’s military service. The problem in Blumenthal’s case is that HE NEVER SERVED IN VIETNAM. Au contraire, he got several deferments to avoid military service. Then when his number seemed to be up, he joined the Marine Reserve and stayed in that during the war. He later said he “misspoke” about his military service.

What the hell is wrong with the guy? Is he lying (misspeaking)? Did he just forget that he didn’t actually serve in Vietnam? Is he too goddamn dumb to realize people will find out whether he was in the war?

So, people of Connecticut, I feel really sorry for you. The only worthwhile candidate in the senate race is None of the Above.

SHOULD PERRIN RUN FOR CONGRESS?

Ever since his disastrous defeat in the 2008 presidential campaign, retired English professor Dr. Carl Perrin has shied away from politics. Now recent political developments make him wonder if it isn’t time to give the electorate another chance to vote him into office. He reasons that if he can get elected to Congress, he will add another qualification to his already impressive resume.

This seems to be the year for outsiders to get elected. Primary voters said no to Republican-turned-Democrat Arlen Specter’s bid for reelection. Republican Governor of Florida Charlie Christ dropped out of the primary race for the U. S. Senate because he had a strong challenge from the right. Christ is running for the seat as an Independent. Trey Grayson, protégé of Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell, lost the primary race for Senate seat from Kentucky to political upstart Rand Paul.

Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal was (is?) running for the Democratic nomination for the Senate seat being vacated by Chris Dodd. It turns out, however, that he has been claiming service in Vietnam when in fact he was able to get five military deferments during the war and then went on to join the Marine reserve. He never went to Vietnam.

On the Republican side, Indiana Congressman Mark Souder is resigning from office after knowledge of his fling was a staffer became public. Souder was big on preaching abstinence, but only for other people, it seems. He stated, "I sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff." If people like Blumenthal and Souder aren’t careful, they’re going to give politicians a bad name.

Carl Perrin is grateful to people like Blumenthal and Souder because compared to them, he seems like a saint.