HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS

Donald Trump has a curious way of making friends. According to him, Mexicans in the U.S. are murderers and rapists. John McCain is not a hero because he was captured. Anyway, McCain is a dummy. President Obama is incompetent. Karl Rove is a loser, as are his opponents in the contest for the Republican nomination.

Trump’s opponents are not just losers, but John Kasich is desperate, Rick Perry needs new glasses, and Lindsay Graham is a stiff. Trump said this as he gave out Graham’s phone number on television. Politicians can be bought. He gave a lot of money to Rand Paul as well as to the Clinton Foundation. Because of that gift, Hillary was forced to come to Donald’s wedding.

Reporters are a dishonest lot. Fox news anchor Chris Wallace is living in a dream world. Debate moderator Megyn Kelly asked him some tough questions because she was having her period. He has called women “fat pigs, slobs, and animals.”

Clearly Trump can charm the socks off anyone. If he keeps going, it won’t take long to alienate everyone who has missed his venom so far. 

CHRISTINE O'DONNELL FOR THE SENATE?

Christine O’Donnell is running for the Delaware senate seat once held by Joe Biden. She has reported earnings of only $5800 in the last year. She has no steady income. She even defaulted on her mortgage. A former aide charged that O’Donnell used campaign funds for rent and living expenses. For years she has been telling people that she graduated from Fairleigh Dickinson University, but in fact she earned her degree only in the last month.

She founded an organization called the Savior’s Alliance for Lifting the Truth. The organization focused on sexual purity and claimed scientific evidence that God created the earth in six 24-hour periods. On the other hand, she once told Bill Maher that she had “dabbled in witchcraft” and once went on a date with a witch. The date ended with a midnight picnic on a satanic altar.

Clearly, Ms. O’Donnell is just the kind of person we need in the United States Senate—even though some prominent Republicans have doubts about her. Karl Rove said, “There’s just a lot of nutty things she’s been saying that just simply don’t add up. I’m for the Republican, but I’ve got to tell you, we were looking at eight to nine seats in the Senate. We’re now looking at seven to eight. In my opinion, this is not a race we’re going to be able to win.”

This woman won the primary with the help of the Tea Party. What we need is a coffee party to help us wake up. At the very least we need to go to Washington on October 30 for Jon Stewart’s Rally to Restore Sanity.

SARAH IN 2012

Sarah Palin has already started her campaign for the presidency in 2012. She is going to spend the next four years visiting Africa and some other countries so she will know more about the outside world. Of course, as she will be the first to admit, she already knows a lot about Russia because she can see it from her kitchen window.

She has nothing but praise for John McCain, God bless him, for bringing her onto the national scene, and nothing but scorn for some of his aides. They tried to control everything she said or did and then leaked false stories to the press after McCain lost. “My rallies attracted more people than John’s did,” she said, “and his aides tried to blame it on me.”

“Barack Obama won the election,” she said, “but it won’t take too long for real Americans to get tired of a politician who pals around with terrorists. By 2012 the people will be ready for a candidate who really loves America. But I'm going to get some real pros to advise me, people like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.”

UNSUNG HEROES

Poor Al Gonzales got kicked around during his term as U. S. Attorney General, but he is finally getting his reward: The American Bar Association has named him lawyer of the year. The Bush administration is full of people who didn’t get the recognition they deserve. How about Michael Brown. They blamed him for FEMA’s disastrous handling of Hurricane Katrina. At least the president told him he was doing a heck of a job. Since Brown left, things haven’t gotten any better in New Orleans, so maybe Brownie wasn’t the only one at fault.

What about CIA Director of the year? George Tenet assured the White House gang that Iraq’s possession of WMD was a “slam dunk.” At least Tenet got the Medal of Freedom. George Bush should have a bunch of those hanging around to hand out to loyal henchmen.

Don’t forget Gonzales’s assistant, Monica Gooding. She weeded a lot of closet Democrats out of the Attorney General’s office. Did she get any thanks for that? Did the president even say, “Heck of a job, Monica”?

One of the great heroes of the Bush administration is former Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld, who saved a lot of money by trying to invade Iraq on the cheap. He even forced the retirement of General Shinseki when the general suggested that they need a lot more troops to do it right. Then a couple of days after the election, the administration tells Rumsfeld that they don’t require his services any more. So what’s Rummy doing now, sitting around brooding over his treatment?

Then there’s Karl Rove. Once they realize that no one likes him, they just send him back to Texas. That’s a fine thank-you.

Julie MacDonald was doing a heck of a job as Deputy Assistant Secretary in the Department in Interior. She had to rewrite all those reports done by scientists who were not sensitive to business interests when they wrote about endangered species and stuff. When she left, some people cheered. How’s that for appreciation?

Don’t forget Randy Tobias , who as Deputy Secretary of State urged abstinence rather than condoms to prevent AIDS while he employed the services of “DC Madam” Jeanne Palfrey. Now he’s gone home to wherever. Think about all the money he saved by not supplying condoms. Did anyone say, “You’ve done a great job, Randy”?

And of course there’s Wolfy. Paul Wolfowitz did such a great job getting the country into the war in Iraq, and then he became president of the World Bank for a while before he was forced out. Someone should at least name him Banker of the Year.

RATS DESTERTING A SINKING SHIP

First there was Rummy who resigned but not until he had practically destroyed the U. S. military. Then Karl decided to go back to Texas, but before he left, his dirty politics made it almost impossible for any bipartisan cooperation. Before Bush was elected, he said he would be able to work with Democrats as well as Republicans. Instead he can’t even work with Republicans. He said he would be a uniter, not a divider. He has united the country by turning everyone against him and his failed policies.

Now Al is going back to Texas along with Karl, but before he left, he destroyed the credibility of the entire Department of Justice. Before Al resigned, a handful of overzealous political hacks did their damage at Justice.

The administration has been full of incompetents, political hacks, and partisan zealots from the beginning. Gale Norton and “Heck of a Job Brownie” come to mind. Now if we could only convince Uncle Dick to take an early retirement, and appoint someone to act as a keeper for George, to watch over him and make sure he doesn't bring the country into any more trouble.

In the meantime we have to hang in there and hope for the best. He has 512 days left in the White House.

GOODBYE, KARL ROVE

Is Karl Rove the evil genius behind all the extralegal White House shenanigans? Is he the one who hatched all those plots that led members of the Bush administration around, above, or beyond the law? Is Rove the author of all those assaults on the Constitution?

In a word (Rove’s word), the answer is no. In a series of TV appearances over the weekend Rove said it was all the fault of others. He was just following orders. If tactical mistakes were made, they were not his fault.

He was not blame for revealing that Valerie Wilson was a covert CIA agent. He wasn’t even sure to this date that she was in fact an agent. What about his role in firing those closet-Democrat U.S. attorneys? Rove accused Fox News Chris Matthews of being an agent of the enemy (Congress) in even asking such a question. Why didn’t Congress pass the administration’s immigration reform bill? It wasn’t because conservative Republicans in Congress fought the bill so fiercely, according to Rove; it was because Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid didn’t push it hard enough.

Rove hadn’t even wanted to do the hip hop performance “M. C. Rove” at the White House Correspondents’ dinner in March. “They dragged me up there,” he said.

Now we’re really worried. If Rove wasn’t responsible for all those behind-the-scenes dirty tricks, will anything change when he leaves the White House? Will some other evil genius continue to mastermind misguided policies and assaults on the Constitution after Rove goes home to Texas?

WHY DOESN’T BUSH WANT GENERAL PETRAEUS TO TESTIFY IN PUBLIC BEFORE CONGRESS?

We have our own sources in the White House who gave us the inside story on this issue. We cannot reveal his identity because he is not authorized to speak to the press, especially the alternative press, especially this blog.

In his own words:

“The reason we can’t let Congress loose on General Petraeus is that they’re a bunch of nosey parkers. They’re always trying to find out stuff that is none of their beeswax. It’s hard enough to run the country without a bunch of liberals criticizing everything the president does.

“It goes back to the vice president's advisory committee on energy policy. Before we knew it, Congress was nosing around, trying to find out who was on the committee. What a nerve! They were digging around trying to get all that personal information.

“The next thing you know, they’re trying to find out who was behind firing all those closet-Democrat federal attorneys. I mean they've subpoenaed everyone from Karl Rove and Harriet Meiers to the White House cook. They’ll stop at nothing!

“So there’s no way we’re going to let those vultures at General Petraeus. They’ll be trying to weasel out all kinds of information we don’t want them to know. Instead we’ll let them talk to the secretaries of defense and state. They know how to handle those liberals. Also for the written report, we’re going to get the information from the general and write it ourselves. That way we can put the right slant on it, just the way we do with scientific reports.”