WELL, SHUT MY MOUTH!

What a shame! Ann Coulter had a bad fall last month and fractured her jaw. Now her jaw is wired shut. Does that mean we aren’t going to be able to hear her tell how liberals are conspiring to turn the country over to terrorists? That Democrats are trying to undermine the moral character of the country? That progressives are planning to sell out the nation? Who is going to tell us that we are going to hell in a hand basket now that the Democrats are going to gain power in Washington? Is this the end?

I almost forgot. We still have Sarah. Yes, Sarah Palin can tell the country that the president-elect pals around with terrorists. That when the Ruskies attack, they will hit Alaska first. That she needs some more clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue. That she is prepared to be president in 2012. Thank God. For a minute I thought the country would be in trouble without Ann warning us against the danger from liberals.

BOOK DEAL

We hear that Sarah Palin is going to get a book deal that will bring her $7 million. You can buy a lot of clothes with that kind of money.

Sarah isn’t the only former VP candidate who is earning some money for a literary project. Rosie Thibideau of Maine earned ten thousand from a national publication. The Enquirer paid the former Family Values vice presidential candidate and Madawaska mechanic for exclusive rights to her story.

“I was surprised when they offered that much money for my story,” Rosie said. “Actually they seemed more interested in trying to find some dirt on Carl Perrin, but Jeez, the guy is 78 years old. How much hanky-panky can you expect from a guy that age?”

ROSIE HAS A GARAGE SALE

Sarah Palin isn’t the only one who had to decide what to do with a bunch of clothes that the party bought for her. When she went back to Alaska after the election, she had $150,000 worth of clothes from places like Saks Fifth Avenue. When all those liberals raised a stink about the GOP spending that much money on the VP candidate, she said that the clothes weren’t hers to keep. They were just to wear during the campaign. After all, you can’t wear the same outfit day after day if you want to look successful. In between her various speaking engagements, she is sorting out the clothes she had before the campaign and the clothes bought by the Republican party.

Ms Palin isn’t the only one facing that kind of problem. Family Values VP candidate Rosie Thibideau didn’t have a lot of clothes to wear as she campaigned. She was and is a mechanic at the Madawaska garage, so most of the time she wears jeans. She would have been happy to put on a clean pair of jeans on the campaign trail, but campaign operatives insisted that she dress up a bit. They held a few bake sales and such to raise over $500 for new clothes for Rosie. She spent most of it where she usually buys clothes, at WalMart.

Now she wants to get rid of those “political” clothes. She feels more comfortable in jeans anyway. She explains that she has always had one dress that she wears maybe once a year, and she doesn’t need any more fancy duds. The rest of that stuff is going into a garage sale. That includes a pair of high heels. She much prefers her usual work boots. “Can you imagine me wearing high heels while I’m taking an engine apart?” she asked.

EXPENSIVE BEER

If you order a pint of beer in an English pub, it will cost you about $5.00. Yes! Five dollars! That’s outrageous! Unless something is done, five-dollar-a-pint beer will be coming to America.

Ethanol is the reason for the big run-up in the cost of beer. Farmers are switching from other crops to grow corn to be made into ethanol. That has pushed up the price of food around the world and the cost of beer.

In theory ethanol seems like a good thing. The more ethanol we put into our gas tanks, the less petroleum. We reduce our dependence on foreign oil and help the environment at the same time. When gasoline costs $4.00 a gallon, ethanol costs less than gas, a win-win situation.

The problem is, when gas costs $2.00 a gallon, it is cheaper than ethanol. But that isn’t the real problem. The real problem is that ethanol really isn’t any better than petroleum for the environment. When woodlands are cleared to make room for corn crops, we lose the carbon dioxide absorbing quality of all those trees, thus releasing more greenhouse gases into the atmosphere. So ethanol made from corn costs motorists more than gasoline, and its influence on the environment in the long run is the same of that of petroleum.

The influence of ethanol on the economy is negative. Food costs more and becomes scarcer in third-world countries. And the price of beer keeps going up.

Let’s stop this madness before beer becomes too expensive for Joe the plumber and other ordinary Americans.

SARAH IN 2012

Sarah Palin has already started her campaign for the presidency in 2012. She is going to spend the next four years visiting Africa and some other countries so she will know more about the outside world. Of course, as she will be the first to admit, she already knows a lot about Russia because she can see it from her kitchen window.

She has nothing but praise for John McCain, God bless him, for bringing her onto the national scene, and nothing but scorn for some of his aides. They tried to control everything she said or did and then leaked false stories to the press after McCain lost. “My rallies attracted more people than John’s did,” she said, “and his aides tried to blame it on me.”

“Barack Obama won the election,” she said, “but it won’t take too long for real Americans to get tired of a politician who pals around with terrorists. By 2012 the people will be ready for a candidate who really loves America. But I'm going to get some real pros to advise me, people like Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.”

PERRIN WITHDRAWS FROM THE RACE

In a stunning eleventh hour development, Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin has withdrawn from the presidential election.

Perrin admitted that he had known for a long time that he didn’t have much chance to win the election. Why, then, bother even to withdraw at this late date?

“Although I knew I couldn’t win,” the candidate told our reporter, “I do have a big following. I was afraid that my supporters would draw votes away from Obama and throw the election to McCain and the moose lady.” I didn’t want to the American people what Ralph Nader did in 2000. I didn’t want to have that on my conscience.

“I want to thank all the people who supported my campaign, especially all those Mainers who raised money for me by picking up returnable cans and bottles. I hope I will be able to work with President Obama to keep cheap beer flowing to American men and women.

“I wish Obama well, and I have confidence that he will be an outstanding president. But if I am disappointed, I will be around for the next election. I will be only 82 in 2012. Don’t forget Konrad Adenauer was Chancellor of Germany until the age 87.”

EBEN DANFORTH ENDORSES OBAMA

Former supporters of Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin are deserting him in large numbers and switching their allegiance to Barack Obama. Even longtime friends and family are leaving him in the lurch.

On in-law who refused to be named said, “Carl never had a chance. He thinks he’s such a smarty pants, but when you get right down to it, he don’t know shit.”

A former Perrin supporter from Madawaska told us, “He made a mistake in choosing Rosie Thibideau for a running mate. I mean Rosie’s a great gal, and she’s the best damn mechanic in Madawaska, but she shouldn’t be a heart beat away from a 78-year-old president.”

Even Eben Danforth from Grangely, Maine, told us he was going to vote for Obama. Perrin was flabbergasted when he learned this. “Eben Danforth!” he said. “He’s a literary character. I invented him. He can’t vote for Barack Obama!”

At this point things look grim for the Family Values candidate.