NUDE MODEL ELECTED SENATOR

Republican Scott Brown has been elected senator from Massachusetts, filling the seat held for many years by Democrat Ted Kennedy. Brown is a member of the Massachusetts legislature, a lawyer, and a Lt. Colonel in the National Guard. His career also includes a stint as a nude model. When he was a 22-year-old law student at Boston College he posed nude for a centerfold for Cosmo, and he won the magazine’s “America’s Sexiest Man” contest.

We’re not going to suggest that anyone voted for him because of the naked picture, but it certainly didn’t seem to cause anyone to vote against him. He gathered a lot more votes than his Democratic opponent, Attorney General Martha Coakley, who did not pose in the nude.

Former candidate for the presidency, Dr. Carl Perrin, finds this election quite instructive. In his run for office, hardly anyone voted for him. Would the outcome have been different, he wonders, if he had posed in the nude?

CELEBRITY SPONSORS

If you’re a celebrity, you make millions of bucks for playing sports or being in movies, etc. Then, just so you won’t run out of spending money, big companies pay you even more to be spokespersons for their products.

The problem is, a lot of celebrities are super jerks. They really screw up, and it doesn’t look good for the product being sponsored. Tiger Woods had these little flings with dozens of women, and this upset his wife so much that she took after him with a golf club. Before you know it, companies that were paying him millions of dollars for sponsoring their products are saying they don’t want him any more.

Then Charlie Sheen celebrated Christmas by attacking his wife. She called the cops to protect her from good old Charlie. Wouldn’t you know, Hanesbrands had been using Sheen in an advertising campaign. The underwear company decided it wouldn’t be good for them to be sponsoring someone who tried to beat up his wife on Christmas Day, so they dropped him.

Leisure Village celebrity feels bad for those companies. He volunteered to pick up some of the slack in the companies that had sponsored Tiger Woods. Hard as it is to believe, none of those companies responded to Perrin’s generous offer.

Now Perrin has a proposal that Hanesbrands will not be able to overlook. They can use 79-year-old stud muffin Carl Perrin as their representative. Perrin is willing to pose wearing Hanes underwear. When women see him in his Hanes, they will rush out to buy Hanes for their husbands.

NUDE MODELS

Levi Johnston is going to pose in the nude for Playgirl magazine. Johntson, you will remember, is the father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild. He is training at an Anchorage gym to get his body in shape for the photo shoot.

Former Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin asked himself, “If the Republicans can do it, what can’t I?” Perrin is offering to pose in the nude for Playgirl or any other magazine if they pay him enough money. “I’m not going to send my grandson or some young kid to pose for me. I’ll do it myself.” Perrin says he doesn’t need to go to a gym to prepare because he’s already in great shape.

We were going to put a nude picture of the retired professor with this post, but Perrin decided to wait. “They’re not going to get a nude picture of me until they pay me for it,” he said.

EBEN DANFORTH ENDORSES OBAMA

Former supporters of Family Values candidate Dr. Carl Perrin are deserting him in large numbers and switching their allegiance to Barack Obama. Even longtime friends and family are leaving him in the lurch.

On in-law who refused to be named said, “Carl never had a chance. He thinks he’s such a smarty pants, but when you get right down to it, he don’t know shit.”

A former Perrin supporter from Madawaska told us, “He made a mistake in choosing Rosie Thibideau for a running mate. I mean Rosie’s a great gal, and she’s the best damn mechanic in Madawaska, but she shouldn’t be a heart beat away from a 78-year-old president.”

Even Eben Danforth from Grangely, Maine, told us he was going to vote for Obama. Perrin was flabbergasted when he learned this. “Eben Danforth!” he said. “He’s a literary character. I invented him. He can’t vote for Barack Obama!”

At this point things look grim for the Family Values candidate.

ORGANIZED POLITICAL PARTY

Someone once said, “I don’t belong to an organized political party; I’m a Democrat.” Lately the party has been living up to its reputation for disorganization. Bill Clinton tried to raise doubts about Barack Obama’s patriotism, while Hillary Clinton questioned his experience. Then James Carville compared New Mexico governor, Democrat Bill Richardson to Judas. This was because Richardson, who had served in the Bill Clinton administration, endorsed Obama. While all this dog fighting is going on, top Democrats, like Vermont senator Patrick Leahy, are calling Hillary to step down before the Democratic candidates expose their opponents’ vulnerabilities for the Republicans to exploit in the fall election.

On the surface it seems as though Obama and Clinton are not very far apart in the race. He has between 100 and 200 more delegates than she has, not enough to clinch the nomination. It looks as though the fight will go on right into the convention, with the two candidates picking away at each other, making it easier McCain to pull ahead of them.

There is a solution to this problem. With the two major candidates locking horns, the convention can choose a compromise candidate, like Dr. Carl Perrin. Perrin has stopped active campaigning, but he has not withdrawn from the race. If elected, Hillary would be the first woman president, and Barack would be the first African-American. If Perrin is elected, he will be 78 at election time. He would be the first real geezer to win that office. Once Perrin’s name gets out, all kinds of constituencies would flock to the polls to vote for him. He grew up on a farm, he worked in a factory, he belonged to a union, he is a veteran, he taught English for a half a century. The geezers would have no problem choosing between him and John McCain. For those voters, McCain has just barely reached the age of geezerdom.

IS PERRIN OUT OF THE RACE?

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin has not won a single delegate, even in New Hampshire, the state where he grew up. The candidate admits he should have been more active in the Granite State. Not too many people there remember him after 50 years. He also had high hopes for South Carolina because he served in the Dixie Division at Fort Jackson during the Korean War. Unfortunately, whispering campaigns have painted him as a New England Yankee despite service in the Dixie Division. Even so, that was over 50 years ago also.

So, is Perrin ready to throw in the towel? “No way,” says the smiling candidate. The Florida primary is coming up next, and he lived in the Sunshine State for a while, and that was more recent, just a little over a year ago. "The guys and gals in the West Palm Beach Writers’ Group will remember me,” he says, “and so will the people in the Century Village Computer Club. I expect to have a lot of support in south Florida.”

Soon the fight will go on to Ohio, Missouri, Maine, and New Jersey. Perrin has taught in all those states and has thousands of former students who will remember him. Perrin quoted a famous philosopher: “It ain’t over ‘til it’s over, and it ain’t over ‘til the fat lady sings.” Perrin is a man who believes in looking at the bright side of things.

CANDIDATES’ ASSETS
Bill Richardson served as Bill Clinton’s energy secretary. After he left that post in 2001, he worked in the private sector for a while. He was a consultant, lecturer, and board member. Since 2003 he has been governor of New Mexico, where he earns $110,000. When he left the federal government, he didn’t have a pot to piss in. Now he worth somewhere between $3.5 and $10 million.

At the July 23 Democratic debate, all but one candidate (Christopher Dodd) said he or she would be willing to serve as president for minimum wage. The rest of them were millionaires and didn’t need the dough.

Democratic candidate Carl Perrin (who was not invited to the debates) does need the money, and he would like to earn some of it before the election. He would be glad to earn some money as a consultant. (Do you have any grammar questions?) He can lecture. (If you haven’t hear his lecture on the great. English vowel shift, you’re in for a treat.) He would especially like to serve on some corporate boards. What do board members do? Go to meetings three or four times a year and get paid $30 or $40 thousand? He could do that.

If you are in the position to offer Perrin lots of money for some kind of sinecure, just write your proposal in a comment below. We’ll get back to you.