SARAH ENVY

Dr. Carl Perrin admits that he is envious of Sarah Palin. With the help of a professional writer, she managed to grind out her book, Going Rogue, in four months. She received a seven-figure advance for the work, which was a best seller before it even came out in the bookstores. Right now she is on a book tour, where fans line up to see her and get an autographed copy of her book.

Going Rogue gets even with everyone who did her dirt during her vice presidential campaign: Katie Couric, John McCain’s staff, and the liberal media. There is widespread talk about Palin as the Republican candidate for president in the next election. Democrats are hoping that she will be the candidate. Despite her enthusiastic followers, most of the electorate consider her a poor choice for the presidency.

Dr. Perrin feels that all this is very well and good, but it seems unfair that Ms. Palin can dash off a book so easily, get such a big advance, and have the book become a best seller. Perrin’s book, My Run for the White House, has not even found a publisher yet. His book, which is made up from excerpts from this blog, is sure to be a best seller too, if any publisher had sense enough to take it. The next time you go to a bookstore, you might ask if they have My Run for the White House. If enough people ask, some publisher is sure to pick it up.

On a final note, this week’s Newsweek has a picture of Sarah wearing running shorts on its cover. She pretends to be upset by this, claiming that the picture is sexist. Be that as it may, the picture above left shows that the former governor of Alaska is not the only one who looks good in shorts.

MEA CULPA

Last week Democratic Governor Jon Corzine was defeated in his bid for reelection by Republican Chris Christy. According to NY Times columnist Gail Collins, this shows that Democratic President Barack Obama is losing his touch with independent voters, and this bodes ill for the Democratic Party and its agenda.

Former Presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin somewhat sheepishly admits that he is to blame for the Democratic loss. “I could have been in the race,” he admits, suggesting that he would have had a good chance of winning the prize. “I know all the people in Leisure Village would have voted for me. They all know me.”

The retired English professor says he was a little bitter about losing the presidential election. “I know, it’s been a year since the presidential election, and I should have got over the hurt of losing.”

Perrin says he has learned his lesson. In a couple of years there will be another election, and he will be ready to run again.

NUDE MODELS

Levi Johnston is going to pose in the nude for Playgirl magazine. Johntson, you will remember, is the father of Sarah Palin’s grandchild. He is training at an Anchorage gym to get his body in shape for the photo shoot.

Former Democratic candidate Dr. Carl Perrin asked himself, “If the Republicans can do it, what can’t I?” Perrin is offering to pose in the nude for Playgirl or any other magazine if they pay him enough money. “I’m not going to send my grandson or some young kid to pose for me. I’ll do it myself.” Perrin says he doesn’t need to go to a gym to prepare because he’s already in great shape.

We were going to put a nude picture of the retired professor with this post, but Perrin decided to wait. “They’re not going to get a nude picture of me until they pay me for it,” he said.

DINNER WITH SARAH

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner date with herself and her husband Todd. The bids on eBay start at $25,000, but the winner does not necessarily get dinner with Sarah and Todd. “Governor Palin reserves the right to refuse dinner with a winning bidder if, in her sole discretion, the winning bidder is not a suitable bidder based on her subjective standards of suitability, professionalism, background and other factors.” In other words, if she doesn’t like your politics, you don’t get the date, even though you have paid at least $25,000. If you are rejected, your money will be refunded, and the next highest bidder will get the invitation. And the background check.

Retired English professor and presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin thinks this is one of the best ideas Sarah has had yet. He’s going to try the same thing. The opening bid for dinner with Perrin will be just $100. You can’t go wrong. Dinner will be at any pizza joint in Ocean County, NJ, as long as it serves beer.

The money raised from dinner with Sarah is going to a charity, Ride 2 Recovery. Any money raised from the dinner with Perrin auction, on the other hand, will go toward buying cheap beer for Perrin.

Sarah is screening bidders so she won’t have to eat with a liberal. Perrin is placing no such restriction on his auction. If the high bidder starts yakking away like a right wing nutcase, Perrin will just shut off his hearing aid.

PRESIDENT TO TALK TO STUDENTS

OMG, on September 8 the President is going to talk to American students about the importance of education and the importance of staying in school! Help! Help! The sky is falling!

Even though George H. W. Bush and Ronald Reagan gave speeches that were broadcast over public television to a number of school districts, some Republicans believe that Barack Obama’s speech is an obvious attempt to brainwash America’s school children. According to this view, if President Obama speaks to school children, it must be some kind of liberal plot. A spokeswoman for the Florida Republican Party says the President should not be telling children what to do. Evidently that means he shouldn’t be telling them to stay in school. Why doesn’t Obama take a cue from George W. Bush, who was in school listening to children read on 9/11? After he was told about the attack on the twin towers, Bush stayed in the class for another half hour. Perhaps he just wanted to know how the story ended.

If the President is allowed to talk to America’s students, the networks ought to allow Sarah or Rush or some other right wing nut to respond. They can tell the Republican point of view: Education ain’t going to do you no good nohow.

We can understand why Republican think that way. If kids get too much education, they won’t fall for right wing bullshit anymore.

COW SHIT

Leave it to New Englanders not to throw away anything that might be put to good use. Central Vermont Public Service has found a way to create electricity from cow manure.

The cow poop is stored in underground tanks and kept at 101 degrees. The process creates methane, which is used as fuel for generating electricity. Methane is more harmful than carbon dioxide in contributing to global warming.

It is definitely a win-win situation. Instead of creating global warming, the methane helps generate electricity. The dairy farmers get paid for the electricity produced by their cows. This provides a steady income for the farmers, which helps offset the fluctuation in milk prices. Furthermore, since pathogens in the manure are killed by the process, the final byproduct can be used for bedding for the cows.

What is needed now is way spread this program nationwide. We need a commissioner of cow shit. Fortunately, we know just the man to serve in that office. Former English professor, Dr. Carl Perrin, grew up on a dairy farm in New Hampshire. If anyone knows cow shit, it is Dr. Perrin.

We know the president is busy with all kinds of stuff, but someone in the administration should bring to the president’s attention the environmental benefits of a cow shit commission and Dr. Perrin’s qualifications to head that commission.

REPUBLICANS ON HEALTH CARE

Rush is screaming that the proposed health care logo looks like a Nazi symbol. What is the point of that? Does it mean that the attempt to spread health care to more Americans is somehow related to the Nazis? Others are yelling that the ideas being put forth by the Democrats are really socialized medicine. So which is it? Are the Democrats supposed to be Nazis or Socialists?

Now the Republicans are sending goons to disrupt meetings where members of Congress are trying to get ideas from the people about health care. That’s really democracy in action: disrupt exchanges of information on one of the most important issues of the day.

And Sarah—God bless her—is charging that the president’s health plan is “downright evil.” She says, "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama's 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care."

Where do these people get their ideas? How could anyone think of her as a plausible candidate for the presidency of the United States?