SHOCKING NEWS

Political insiders were flabbergasted to learn that one-time presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin will not be running in the 2012 election. As the former English professor explained to all thirteen of his supporters, “Things are such a mess in Washington that it would take a miracle worker to get the government going again.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed a middle-aged woman wearing a Perrin for President sweatshirt, “That’s why we want you to run. We need a miracle worker like you to knock some heads together and kick some butt. We need someone who can make Congress listen to common sense.”

Perrin thanked the crowd for its confidence in him, but he said he would not be campaigning in the next election. “What about running in 2016?” someone asked. “That’s a definite possibility,” the octogenarian Perrin replied.

In one last question from the floor a Perrin backer asked, “What would you do if there was an overwhelming demand, a Draft Perrin for President movement?”

“In a case like that, we would just have to wait and see,” Perrin answered before going to join a couple of friends to drink cheap beer.

PAUL RYAN'S TOWN HALL MEETINGS

Last spring Congressman Paul Ryan was booed when he met constituents at town hall meetings. Voters were unhappy with the Republican budget which Ryan engineered. The plan would extend tax breaks for the wealthy and phase out Medicare.

This summer the congressman is trying to avoid that kind of confrontation by charging admission to his town hall meetings. People who want to talk to him will have to shell out $15. That will keep out some of the riff raff and troublemakers. At the same time it will raise a little cash. How come the Republicans have all the good ideas?

Possible Democratic candidate Carl Perrin, while no admirer of Representative Ryan, likes his idea of charging for town meetings. Although Perrin has not yet committed himself to entering the presidential race, he did want to hear what the people were saying. He rented a hall and invited his supporters to come and ask softball questions. Instead of charging $15, he asked for only $5, assuming that most people were cheapskates, like him.

It didn’t work out. Only a handful of people arrived, some of them came because they thought he would be handing out cheap beer. Those people left when they learned it was going to cost $5. In all, the on-again, off-again candidate collected only $25, all of it from family members. He still has to pay for the hall he rented. If you would like to help, you can contribute to Perrin’s Paypal account.

FREEDOM OF CHOICE

Now that Michelle Bachman has come out ahead in the Iowa straw vote, people are going to have to start taking her seriously. In the debate before the poll, former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty suggested that Bachman’s accomplishments in congress have been pretty meager.

The charge is so unfair! Last spring Ms. Bachman introduced a freedom of choice act. Not freedom of choice for women, but freedom of choice for light bulb buyers. The intent of her bill was to halt the phase-out of incandescent light bulbs in favor of the compact fluorescent light bulb. Fluorescent bulbs use a lot less electricity than incandescent bulbs. The intent of the phase-out was to reduce emissions created by power plants. As for that, Bachman said, any connection between human beings and global warming was, “voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax." No doubt when the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence, the room was illuminated by incandescent bulbs.

So let’s not hear any more about Michelle Bachman being an intellectual lightweight, a flake. She looks forward to a day when "Everyone will have a gun, nobody will have an abortion, no one will pay taxes, everyone will go to church, and there won't be any more pinko liberal teachers in school."

PAC PAYS FOR FAMILY VACATION

Sarah Palin’s political action committee spent tens of thousands of dollars paying for her “One Nation” East Coast bus tour. The former governor of Alaska repeatedly called the trip a family vacation. The question is, if it is just a “family vacation,” should it have been paid for by a PAC?

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin, for one, sees nothing wrong with the committee paying for Palin’s family vacation. He admits, somewhat ruefully, that he wishes he had come up with the idea himself. The two former candidates have a lot in common. Like the former governor, the retired English professor has not yet formally announced his candidacy for the office of president. Nor has either one of them definitely declined to be considered in the race.

What is obviously behind Perrin’s sentiment on the issue is the thought that if a PAC can pay for Sarah’s vacation, why can’t a PAC for the little trip that Carl has in mind? At the end of this month Carl will be going to North Carolina. It is not strictly a political trip. The Perrin family will be holding a reunion at the time. As Palin did in her “family vacation,” Perrin will probably be saying some political things at the event, mostly grumbling about how the Republicans are ruining the country. So why can’t Perrin use PAC money to finance his “family vacation”?

The problem Perrin has is that he doesn’t have a political action committee. One of the many things that people love about the former professor is that he is not a professional politician. So he doesn’t think about little things like fund raising. However, he is going to start a PAC right now, and use some of its funds to pay for his trip. You can contribute. Just send some money to Perrin’s Pay Pal account. Right now the retiree is worried about what will happen if he doesn’t get his Social Security check on August 3. Your contribution to the Perrin PAC will bring him some peace of mind.

SANTORUM EXPLAINS IT ALL

Speaking to a Republican group in Iowa, presidential wannabe Rick Santorum explained why American students had such low scores in American history. It was all part of a leftist plot to keep students in the dark about U.S. history so they don’t learn American values.

That explains why such prominent figures as Representative Michele Bachmann, an attorney, thought that the American Revolution began in New Hampshire rather than in Massachusetts and that the Founding Fathers had eliminated slavery in their lifetime, evidently not realizing that slavery had something to do with the Civil War. It also explains why former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin thought that Paul Revere rode through Massachusetts to warn the British about something.

Clearly the teachers these women had in school were secular humanists or something who went out of their way to keep information about the country’s history from their students. No doubt they belonged to teachers’ union and were more interested in getting big salaries than they were in educating students.

PERRIN MAKES ANNOUNCEMENT

Last Thursday former presidential candidate Dr Carl Perrin called a press conference. Everyone assumed that he was going to announce his candidacy for the upcoming election. Alas, media representatives were disappointed. Perrin was not ready to declare whether or not he would be running again.

Instead he served up a policy statement. It all boiled down to his opinion that cheap beer is good for the country. According to him cheap beer will solve all the country’s problems.

Unemployment and business problems would all be solved if more people drank cheap beer. Rather than drinking that expensive imported beer, if Americans spent more money on cheap domestic beer, more people would be put to work brewing, distributing, and selling beer. Obviously that would be good for working people and for businesses. As more people were put to work getting beer out to the public, the overcall business climate would improve. That would be good for the federal deficit because as more people entered the work force, income tax collection would improve. Improvement in business would further contribute to revenue for the federal government. Finally, Perrin said, if more people drank cheap beer, everyone would be happier. The happy feeling would help lift the nation out of the doldrums and bring back that good old American can-do spirit.

Reporters naturally wanted to know whether Perrin had decided whether to run for election again. Refusing to respond to the question, he ended the press conference.

PERRIN SENDS PICTURE TO COLLEGE STUDENT

Shocking news hit media today as journalists learned that Dr. Carl Perrin had sent a picture of himself to college student. In the picture on-again/off-again presidential candidate Carl Perrin is munching on a chocolate bar.

Just because he is shown eating a piece of chocolate doesn’t mean that he is a chocoholic, Perrin insisted to reporters. “Lots of people eat chocolate every day, and no one makes anything of it,” the retired college professor added.

“Isn’t a college student a little young for you?” one of the reporters asked.

“She may be a college student,” Perrin replied, “but she is over 21. We both enjoy chocolate, so whatever we do is between consenting adults, and it’s nobody else’s beeswax.”

“Is this going to end your candidacy for the presidency?” a reporter for Leisure Times asked.

“I have not yet decided whether to run, but if I do, I will not let this stand in my way. I went through a tough campaign in 2008. I didn’t let anything stop me then, and I won’t let anything stop me now.”