SHOCKING NEWS

Political insiders were flabbergasted to learn that one-time presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin will not be running in the 2012 election. As the former English professor explained to all thirteen of his supporters, “Things are such a mess in Washington that it would take a miracle worker to get the government going again.”

“Exactly,” exclaimed a middle-aged woman wearing a Perrin for President sweatshirt, “That’s why we want you to run. We need a miracle worker like you to knock some heads together and kick some butt. We need someone who can make Congress listen to common sense.”

Perrin thanked the crowd for its confidence in him, but he said he would not be campaigning in the next election. “What about running in 2016?” someone asked. “That’s a definite possibility,” the octogenarian Perrin replied.

In one last question from the floor a Perrin backer asked, “What would you do if there was an overwhelming demand, a Draft Perrin for President movement?”

“In a case like that, we would just have to wait and see,” Perrin answered before going to join a couple of friends to drink cheap beer.

PHOTOS REVEAL PERRIN’S SECRET LIFE

It is unfortunate that when someone tries to serve his country by running for the presidency, everyone tries to dig up dirt about the candidate. For a long time rumors were going around that Dr. Carl Perrin was overly fond of women and indeed was not above a little fooling around on the side. Since all this chatter was below the surface, Perrin’s campaign staff could do nothing about it.

Then, as Perrin was coming out of Dunkin Donuts with a small coffee and two jelly donuts, Matt Drudge confronted him with the photo seen above. “She’s just a friend,” the candidate insisted. “Every couple of weeks she would bring me a roast chicken from Costco. There was never anything more than that.” But the issue has been raised, and voters will be suspicious, even though Perrin is completely innocent.

“It just shows how desperate the opposition is,” Perrin went on, “that they would sink to releasing pictures like this in an attempt to destroy my candidacy.” Perrin vows to keep working toward his goal and not let ugly rumors stand in his way.

PERRIN RELUCTANTLY THROWS HAT INTO THE RING—
With a year and a half to go before the next presidential election, at least 37 people had announced their candidacy. And that’s just the Democrats! So prominent academic Dr. Carl Perrin figured, What the hell, why not? It’s not so much that he wants the job as that he would like to get the salary. What is it now? $400,000 a year plus living quarters, transportation, a good health care plan, and retirement benefits. No wonder so many people want the job.

Up until now Perrin had really planned on staying retired this time, but he is thinking maybe he could do the president thing part time and still get his nap every afternoon. He could do like George Bush and get a vice president who would do all the work for him, maybe one of those other 37 people running for office.

At first you might wonder, does a nice guy like Carl Perrin have a chance against all those blood-thirsty professional politicians, but think about it. Look at the competition: Hilary is the most popular, but nobody likes her. Gore and Kerry? Hey they had their chance. Mike Gravel? (Who?) Dennis Kucinich? Give us a break! Al Sharpton? Are you kidding? Barack Obama? Sure, he looks good, but the kid doesn’t have any experience.

Perrin, on the other hand, has lots of experience, including executive experience as president of the Leisure Village Computer Club. So, when you think about it, Carl Perrin for president sounds pretty good.