CELEBRITY SPONSORS

If you’re a celebrity, you make millions of bucks for playing sports or being in movies, etc. Then, just so you won’t run out of spending money, big companies pay you even more to be spokespersons for their products.

The problem is, a lot of celebrities are super jerks. They really screw up, and it doesn’t look good for the product being sponsored. Tiger Woods had these little flings with dozens of women, and this upset his wife so much that she took after him with a golf club. Before you know it, companies that were paying him millions of dollars for sponsoring their products are saying they don’t want him any more.

Then Charlie Sheen celebrated Christmas by attacking his wife. She called the cops to protect her from good old Charlie. Wouldn’t you know, Hanesbrands had been using Sheen in an advertising campaign. The underwear company decided it wouldn’t be good for them to be sponsoring someone who tried to beat up his wife on Christmas Day, so they dropped him.

Leisure Village celebrity feels bad for those companies. He volunteered to pick up some of the slack in the companies that had sponsored Tiger Woods. Hard as it is to believe, none of those companies responded to Perrin’s generous offer.

Now Perrin has a proposal that Hanesbrands will not be able to overlook. They can use 79-year-old stud muffin Carl Perrin as their representative. Perrin is willing to pose wearing Hanes underwear. When women see him in his Hanes, they will rush out to buy Hanes for their husbands.

PERSON OF THE YEAR

By now former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin is used to being snubbed by Time magazine. Once again the magazine overlooked him when they named Ben Bernanke Person of the Year. Perrin wasn’t even among the also-rans, which included General McChrystal, “The Chinese Worker,” Nancy Pelosi, and some runner guy from Jamaica.

The online version of Time listed a bunch of “People Who Mattered” in 2009. The list included Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, and Joe (You Lie) Wilson. Evidently it doesn’t matter whether you tell the truth or not as long as what you say is outrageous enough. Olympia Snowe was on the list. We have to admit, she is one of the few semi-sane Republican members of Congress.

Jon and Kate Gosselin made the list. What did they do? Have a bunch of kids and then get divorced. Hey, Perrin says, Been there, did that. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart of “Twilight” were chosen. Perrin was writing vampire stories before they were even born. That clean-cut American athlete, Tiger Woods was on the list.

Dr Carl Perrin was a candidate for the presidency in 2007 and 2008. Has that been forgotten already? Time magazine can go to hell. Perrin has his own little media empire. He publishes the monthly journal, Leisure Times. He maintains the web site, The Leisure Village Voice, and he has his blog, Grammaticus. Through this media empire, he reaches a lot of people. Perhaps Time magazine won’t find it so easy to ignore him next year when they pick the Person of the Year.

LOOKING FOR A SPOKESMAN?

What do AT&T, Gillette, Tag Heuer, Gatorade, Nike, and Accenture have in common? They are all—or until recently--were sponsors of Tiger Woods. In fact Woods makes—or until recently--made over $100 million a year as a spokesman for various products. Since word of Woods’ extra-marital activities have come out, many of these companies are cutting back on commercials with him or entirely ending their relationship with him. As Accenture said, he is "no longer the right representative" of the company's values.

As these companies drop the famous golfer, they must be in need of a public figure to represent them, someone who is highly respected and good looking. Who could fit that description better than former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin? When people know that Perrin uses these products, they will know that they must be good. There may be an ethical problem in sponsoring Gillette shavers. Perrin uses an electric razor. (If the makers of that razor want Perrin to mention it in his blog, they can contact him.)

You can see pictures of two of the products at the top of this page. This plug is free, but if Gillette and Tag Heuer want him to continue publicizing their products, they know how to get in touch with him.

P. S. Perrin is notoriously cheap. You wouldn’t have to pay him $100 million to endorse a bunch of stuff.

ANOTHER COVER-UP

ANOTHER COVER-UP

People in Leisure Village are still talking about events that occurred on a recent Saturday night when former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin crashed his three wheeler into a fire hydrant and a tree. Perrin refused to talk to police, insisting that he had broken no laws. He also refused medical assistance, saying the only thing he hurt was his dignity when he fell off the three wheeler.

His wife, the beautiful red-haired Janet, appeared with a golf club, which she used to move a tree branch from where it had landed on Perrin’s leg. No one is sure where the golf club came from, since neither Carl nor Janet plays golf.

Unfortunately, Perrin’s reticence has created speculation about why he was riding around Leisure Village on his three wheeler at 8:00 in the evening. Some have speculated that he was headed for the convenience store just outside the village where he planned to get a chocolate bar—even though he is supposed to cut down on sweets.

Since the event Dr. Perrin has not come out of his condo. He still refuses to talk to the police or the press. He has even withdrawn from the spring production of the village’s Bare Bone Theatre, in which he starred in last year in the title role of “The Burglar Returns.”

Perrin’s publicist, Aristotle Mongoose, asks that the public and the press respect Dr. Perrin’s privacy.

UNINVITED GUESTS

Former presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin understands how Tareq and Michaele Salahi feel. They are the couple who tried to wrangle an invitation to a formal White House dinner. When they didn’t get the invitation, they went anyway. Michaele bullshitted the Secret Service people by looking through her purse and saying she must have left the invitation in the car.

Perrin understands how they feel because he didn’t get any invitation to the dinner either. In fact he has never received an invitation to anything at the White House. This is despite the fact that he dropped out of the presidential race and urged his followers to vote for Barack Obama. He hoped that a grateful Obama would appoint him to some cushy post in his administration. But, no. No cushy post and no invitation to dinner. Not even an invitation to have a beer with the president.

If he had thought of it, Perrin might have tried to bullshit the Secret Service to get into the dinner. After all, he is no mean bullshitter himself. It’s too late now, of course. The Secret Service won’t fall for that trick again.

Dr. Perrin insists he is not bitter about being snubbed by the White House, but he points out there will be another election in three years. If he isn’t happy with the way things are going, he might run again. He will have learned from mistakes in the last campaign. That will make him a really formidable candidate.

SARAH ENVY

Dr. Carl Perrin admits that he is envious of Sarah Palin. With the help of a professional writer, she managed to grind out her book, Going Rogue, in four months. She received a seven-figure advance for the work, which was a best seller before it even came out in the bookstores. Right now she is on a book tour, where fans line up to see her and get an autographed copy of her book.

Going Rogue gets even with everyone who did her dirt during her vice presidential campaign: Katie Couric, John McCain’s staff, and the liberal media. There is widespread talk about Palin as the Republican candidate for president in the next election. Democrats are hoping that she will be the candidate. Despite her enthusiastic followers, most of the electorate consider her a poor choice for the presidency.

Dr. Perrin feels that all this is very well and good, but it seems unfair that Ms. Palin can dash off a book so easily, get such a big advance, and have the book become a best seller. Perrin’s book, My Run for the White House, has not even found a publisher yet. His book, which is made up from excerpts from this blog, is sure to be a best seller too, if any publisher had sense enough to take it. The next time you go to a bookstore, you might ask if they have My Run for the White House. If enough people ask, some publisher is sure to pick it up.

On a final note, this week’s Newsweek has a picture of Sarah wearing running shorts on its cover. She pretends to be upset by this, claiming that the picture is sexist. Be that as it may, the picture above left shows that the former governor of Alaska is not the only one who looks good in shorts.

MEA CULPA

Last week Democratic Governor Jon Corzine was defeated in his bid for reelection by Republican Chris Christy. According to NY Times columnist Gail Collins, this shows that Democratic President Barack Obama is losing his touch with independent voters, and this bodes ill for the Democratic Party and its agenda.

Former Presidential candidate Dr. Carl Perrin somewhat sheepishly admits that he is to blame for the Democratic loss. “I could have been in the race,” he admits, suggesting that he would have had a good chance of winning the prize. “I know all the people in Leisure Village would have voted for me. They all know me.”

The retired English professor says he was a little bitter about losing the presidential election. “I know, it’s been a year since the presidential election, and I should have got over the hurt of losing.”

Perrin says he has learned his lesson. In a couple of years there will be another election, and he will be ready to run again.