PERRIN DEFENDS RUNNING MATE

Detractors have criticized Family Values candidate Dr Carl Perrin’s choice of running mate, Rosie Thibideau of Madawaska, ME. Yesterday Perrin came out with a strong defense of Thibideau.

While conceding that Ms Thibideau did not go to college, he pointed out that she earned a GED from Madawaska High School. Until her deadbeat husband abandoned her, she home schooled her three children. After that she was elected to the Madawaska School Board, where she served for two years. “She knows a lot more about education than a lot of college graduates,” the former English professor asserted.

Thibideau is a single mom, working as a mechanic to support her three children. Many Madawaskans insist, doggone it, that she is the best mechanic in town.

Living right on the border of Canada, Rosie has first-hand insights to foreign relations. In fact she has relatives in Canada. She even does a lot of her shopping in Canada, so she understands currency exchanges.

Her brother-in-law is a noncommissioned officer in the Maine National Guard, so she can get the straight dope from him about military matters.

“Is Rosie Thibideau ready to serve as president if the need arises?” Perrin asks rhetorically. “You betcha, she is,” he answers.

VICE PRESIDENT’S OFFICE NO LONGER
PART OF THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH

We were shocked to learn that Vice President Cheney and his staff were not following the laws but just making up their own rules as they go along. The National Archives Information Security Oversight Office was created to make sure that classified information in the in the executive branch is protected. For the past three years the vice president’s office has refused to cooperate with the oversight agency. “It’s none of their d----d business what goes on here,” the vice president said.

According to some White House insiders, Mr. Cheney just doesn’t think those people can keep a secret. Congress will come around and put pressure on people, and pretty soon they blab everything. Or they’ll write a book, like that Tenet guy, and try to blame everything on the vice president. Mr. Cheney’s staff is loyal, and they know how to keep their mouths shut. They’ll even lie and go to jail to protect the vice president.

Anyway, the rules of the Information Security Oversight Office do not apply to the vice president. The oversight office was set up to monitor executive branch agencies, and according to Cheney, the vice president’s office is not part of the executive branch. It is its own separate little branch, entitled to keep its own secrets from other branches.

Director of the oversight office, William Leonard, wrote to the attorney general’s office to ask for a ruling on whether or not the laws apply to the vice president. Americans can sleep easy tonight because they know that Alberto Gonzales is on the job.

WILL PERRIN BE VICE PRESIDENT?

The candidates are going at it hot and heavy. McCain suggests that Romney is “pandering for votes.” Edwards questions the leadership of the two Democratic senators, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, particularly in reference to the war in Iraq. Obama fires back by saying he was against the war from the beginning, while Edwards voted for the war when he was a senator. Edwards is hitting hard at the two Democratic front runners. If he is able to push them aside and become the Democratic candidate, who will be his running mate?

Speculation naturally falls on Dr. Carl Perrin as the vice presidential candidate, but Perrin says “fugetaboutit” to that. “If John Edwards and I run together,” Perrin says, “I should be the top half of the ticket. After all, I am older than John. We can see what happened the last time the vice president was older than the president. Cheney just took charge of everything.”

Anyway, Perrin is interested in the job only if he can still get his afternoon nap while the vice president does most of the work. Obviously that wouldn’t work if he were the veep.

Perrin concedes that Edwards is a fine young man, even though he spends too much on haircuts. Nevertheless, Perrin is not sure at this early stage whom he will name to be his running mate after he wins the nomination.

CHENEY MISPLACED

VICE PRESIDENT CHENEY MISPLACED

Just before Memorial Day a small plane flew into restricted air space near Washington, D. C. The President was out of town, but Vice President Cheney was at work in the White House.

Not taking any chances, the Secret Service hustled the Vice President into hiding. It turned out that the small plane in the restricted air space did not offer any kind of threat to anyone in Washington. The problem arose when the Secret Service went to take the VP out of hiding. They couldn’t remember where they had hidden him! Personally we don’t blame the Secret Service. We have stuff hidden all over the house, and we can’t remember what we hid, much less where we hid it.

Anyway the Secret Service and the White House staff are blaming each other for losing the Vice President, with each side saying that the other was responsible for remembering where they had hidden Mr. Cheney. One member of the vice president’s staff said, “This never would have happened when Scooter was here.”

There is some speculation that the Vice President knew that the threat is over, and he figured that, since the next day was a holiday, he might as well just start his holiday weekend a few hours early. He had some leave time coming, so maybe he decided to take a week or so off. Some people are even suggesting that we will not see Mr. Cheney until after July 4.

We are not saying that this is what happened. We acknowledge that the story is mere speculation, but if it is true, we think the VP should get back on the job. After all, we ’re not paying him a big salary to take an extended vacation every time a small plane flies over the nation’s capital.